I seem to be forever battling feelings of anxiety, dis-ease, worry, concern, and heartache. The heartache isn't caused by the disintegration of my marriage of over thirty years, or by the death of anybody close to me; nor is it a subtle yearning for a new and wonderful relationship, although I am interested to know what it would be like to have a living relationship with somebody from one's soul group, and would even accept one if it should happen to me. Having said that, I often wonder if my ex is part of my soul group as he has provided me with a seemingly insurmountable challenge -- forgiveness of a most painful betrayal -- I have ever had to tackle. Heartache, as I understand it, is caused by one's feeling of separation from Source. I really ought to read Mario Baisio's book about "I am the One I've been looking for." Mario Baisio lives in Victoria and I purchased his book from him when I took an interesting workshop with him about Spirit Guides. Anyway, his book might have some useful information for me.
Thinking about the title of Mario's book, throughout this morning I was realizing that I am subtly and/or blatantly resisting what is happening in my life. As I walked Sadie, I pondered my inability to accept this, my life that is presently devoid of effort, profit, service, and occupation. I realized that I am disgusted with my Self. I was thinking how at some level, I believe the notion that for one's life to be valid, one must be a productive useful member of society which I have ceased to be, although my mother repeatedly implies that she could not go on without my assistance (We spent a long day together yesterday when I took her to her dentist, then to an art shop so that she could select a gift for her dear friend, then to the cobbler to have her shoe resouled, and then to Whitespot for a meal). As I explored my feelings around this I realized that disregarding my concerns about money, the idea that I am not living life the way one is supposed to live it in North American society is niggling at my gut and causing me a subtle sense that I am wasting my time because I am not doing enough and I am not doing that which is appropriate and correct in our society meaning I am not gainfully employed and helping the economy.
It is so ironic. There have been times in my adult life, well truthfully most of my very busy adult life what with three children, one husband, usually livestock and pets and garden to tend, and a homemaking pioneering life-style, for years without hydro and running water or plumbing, when I craved time to myself to work at my crafts and follow my interests. Now I have all the time in the world to do what I like with, and I hardly touch my crafts. It seems to be one of my life's pursuits to cultivate and expand my academic interests which I do regularly. For some reason, these days I am simply not being drawn to crafts. I occasionally knit a dish cloth and I have a lovely skein of two-ply yarn and more spun yarn nearly ready to be plied, and despite lack of interest, I still enjoy these processes. This afternoon, I pulled some weeds from my garden, although the soil is really still too wet and sticky for much in the way of weed removal, and that was pleasurable.
Last night, I heard Adyashanti claim that if most people had his life, they would be thoroughly bored. So maybe this still quiet life has something to do with Source and what it wants or is trying to teach me. I am beginning to wonder if I could exorcise my feelings of guilt, some of which are caused by my belief that I am not being useful, will the feelings of anxiety, dis-ease, worry, and concern dissipate? Maybe this is one of those instances that would be helped by Jed McKenna's advice to write for catharsis? As I have mentioned before, I sense that I do not have the power to alter my life and this intellectual attempt to understand what is going on and fix it is probably for naught.
Namaste
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