I don’t know what’s wrong with me these days. I feel tense, no ill with fear. Why afraid. What is causing this. It is lack of control. Not being able to control my environment. Control issues again. I thought we had sorted this one out. I am supposed to be relinquishing control. Not having any. Sitting in the passenger’s seat. Leaving the driving to the universe. Why can’t I sit back and relax; let it all happen? What am I afraid of? It is fear around survival, I think. Will I survive this? Can I give up more? Why do I have to give up more? I gave up so much. Always more, more, more. It is worrying about giving up what I need to survive. Yes, I think survival might be the root of my fear. Ego isn’t in the forefront of this. Why am I afraid? Why? Why? What does it matter if I die? It doesn’t, does it? That’s the worst that will happen: I will abandon this body. And that’s wonderful. Free. Or do I value this experience of living far more than I think? Do I actually care about this life? No, not really. It doesn’t feel like it. I think I value it, though. I value the opportunity to experience life. I know I will eventually die. I accept that. I am afraid of becoming penniless; having family take all my resources leaving me depleted and with no energy or funds. But has this happened? Am I worrying about something that might never happen. Probably. It is now. How is now? It is wonderful, if I let it be and stop worrying about a situation that might never happen. Why can’t I see the adventurous side of life? Mum was great today. Oh, I want her to be happy, but I know that her life is hers to live and what will be with it will be. I can’t teach her or learn her lessons for her. Those are for her experience and her development and evolution. She has to have them and marry them with her being. It’s the same with everybody including me. Why am I struggling with this gnawing feeling in my stomach and chest? I don’t like it. Is it true that the feelings of fear are similar to the feelings of love, physically? Joy always feels so light and fear so heavy. But that’s not true entirely because I know that no physical body and no physical feelings of emotions is so light and free as to be highly desirable. Why am I feeling fear? I must sit with it for a few minutes: simply experience it. EXPERIENCING. What is the truth? What is the truth of this feeling. I know it is fear. Fear of what? Fear of death? More the fear of living a life of suffering. I am suffering right now, or at least, that’s my label for it. I must try and think positive about these feelings of tension in the chest and abdomen that cause me to breathe shallowly. I wish I could figure out what is giving rise to these feelings of fear. What is my mind and thinking doing to create them? How is my mind working? What am I saying to my Self. I am basing my fear on past events. These events are over and done with. What is to say that the future events will run similar courses to past events? Nothing. There is no truth in the idea that because the past was shitty, the future will be the same. Besides, even though the past was shitty, I survived it and wasn’t totally miserable and could have experienced it with less suffering than I allowed my Self. I am not dead in the physical sense. It is time to be fully awake and alive and free of this shit. It’s fucking awful. How did I let my Self be programmed? How is it that I have come to believe that I cannot handle something, a situation, that I don’t have to handle. I just have to sit back and watch the Universe unfold and manage what’s going to happen next. It is no good wishing or trying to change anything. Rather, I must accept that what is is what is and be happy about it. What the universe sends my way to do is what I must do. Stop fighting it. Embrace it. For whatever reason, these are experiences that I am meant to have. I must have some sort of aptitude for it or maybe I am supposed to be developing an aptitude for this stuff, whatever it is. Why can’t I see that the absurdly difficult isn’t difficult at all, I don’t have to do anything as such, but be an instrument towards Its accomplishment. I am an instrument and I have no control. I am a puppet. I wish I could see my place in all this so that I could appreciate my roles and Self better. I am not trusting whatever is to manage my life well for me. I am lacking trust. I am afraid. I haven’t got this passenger seat thing sorted out yet. I am still trying too hard. How do I stop trying? How do I get rid of this fear? I am hitting a brick wall when it comes to troubleshooting the problem. I cannot find a label. Maybe I don’t need to find a label. Can’t I just be afraid without labeling it or needing to find a cause? I am afraid. But really, I am not afraid, but my ego is. That is the part that is having the problem. Why suddenly so sad. I am close to tears. In fact, they are welling up in my eyes as I type and my breathing has changed. I am feeling very sad. Very hurt. What is this about? Why do I feel emotionally hurt? I don’t know. I am grieving for something. A loss of self or the separation more likely. I can’t think of anything more to write. I have dried up for a moment. I don’t know that I feel any better: just very tired. Very used. Why do I let my Self feel used? If we are all one, then only I can use my Self. Nicholas, Mum, Andrew, Victoria, Sadie, Cherie, Laksmi, Shanti, are not using me. We are in a dance with each other. Let’s dance. So we aren’t really in a dance with each other. Rather, it is self dancing with self. It feels like we are dancing with each other; seems like we are dancing with each other; but it’s all one and it’s dancing with itself. Waves of sorrow keep swelling up in my bosom. Why? I don’t know. I wish I could really understand at the level that this has to be understood so that it is grocked. I want to know the truth and be one with it and understand. I guess words can’t help me. Only that inner knowing or knowing wherever it is located in this being. Probably not in the physical body. In the mind maybe. I must be more awake than I give my Self credit for as there seems to be less and less to deal with, ie, experiences and memories. Nowadays, it seems to be impressions that are abstract and unnamable. It is nebulous. I don’t know why I am feeling afraid; just am. Fear around not having enough to survive, really. Not enough energy. Not enough money. I don’t have to have these fears. I need to trust whatever that it will all be okay and that everything is perfect, however it is. I hope that my inner guidance will hear what it needs to hear. I sometimes wonder if it has lost its hearing or is it just that nothing is coming to mind that needs attention. Having said that, I am amazed every time I get an inner nudge to get up and tackle a task. I am so tired half the time. Is that necessary? Why don’t I have huge amounts of energy? I suppose that if I were that energetic, I would be constantly seeking amusement and useful pursuits; I don’t need amusements and useful pursuits in the way I thought I needed them. Maybe it is programming that still needs eradicating. Programming to be useful and busy and all that stupid stuff I no longer have any interest in. I don’t know.
