Basking in Metaphysics

Last night, I spun my iPod dial to an Abraham Hicks audio called Think and Get Slim. I have not been interested in listening to or reading Abraham Hicks for quite some time, so was surprised that I felt a slight enthusiasm for listening to him. I don't even know why I was drawn to listening to Think and Get Slim as I just discovered that my body has righted itself without me doing very much of anything to help it except I disciplined myself to eat breakfast in the morning instead of late afternoon, and is finally within its correct body mass index. Its BMI could do to be a little lower, but I am not complaining and am even quite astonished that my number is 24: I would like it to be 22. I have listened to Abraham addressing people and their overweight issues and am familiar with the concept that beliefs and fears about food cause as much trouble as food itself. I suppose that this thinking is a little reminscent of Bruce Lipton's work with placebos as described in The Biology of Belief. Anyway, I am not presently feeling the need for advice on getting slim as whatever I am doing is working very well, but I listened to the cd anyway.

What transpired while listening to the first cd was so refreshing that I am going to revisit the works of Abraham over the next few days. Abraham-Hicks offers such hope and optimism and I felt an upward shift in my energy. The problem I have had with The Law of Attraction, etc. is that I cannot decide whether one should manipulate or attract circumstances and acquisitions with the mind, or leave that to God/Mystery as advised by Goldsmith and Adyashanti, to decide what It chooses for one. On the other hand, if by thinking and feeling a certain way one is affecting one's life and situation, it would be useful to educate one's Self on the appropriate techniques so that one can use one's thoughts and feelings effectively. In other words, if by feeling miserable about my financial forecast I am making financial matters worse for myself, and despite what God/Mystery has in mind for me, then it probably won't harm my situation or my relationship with God/Mystery if I relearn to use my thoughts and feelings in a productive and positive manner.

As I consider the teachings of Abraham, I find myself with more questions. How does non-duality come into this? What role does the mind and thinking have in relationship to this energy field or God? Is my mind affecting the energy field, or is it actually God posing as my mind, and affecting the energy field? And my most pressing questions is, do I take an active role in creating my life, or do I leave that job to God? In other words, Hicks or Goldsmith? Who is right?

I immediately liked that Abraham explained to a woman-participant, that the Universe likes spiritual seekers to demonstrate effect: therefore, it is better that a seeker demonstrate continually instead of on one or two grand occasions. Goldsmith teaches this, too. One of the reoccuring themes of these Hicks cds is that one is resisting and not going with the flow and accepting what is, and that is one's undoing. I have no problem with that. According to Abraham, another reason one is overweight is because one is not in alignment with all that is, ie God, which I suppose is the same as being out of the flow (trying to swim upriver). This idea of lack of alignment versus alignment makes sense to me and fits with teachings of Goldsmith and Adyashanti, and I think that it addresses the issue of non-duality. As Goldsmith teaches:
     "The presence of this Christ, gentle and small as It may be, is the substance of every experience that you will have on the outer plane. Seek neither health, nor wealth, nor fame, nor fortune. Seek first the realization of this inner kingdom and be a beholder as these outer things are added unto your experience." (Practicing the Presence. p.140). 

In the Hicks books, there is all this new talk about vortex and escrow and I am still working out what exactly is meant by these terms, especially as escrow is an American rather than a Canadian behaviour that is used during the sale of property, a system for holding the funds of the sale while the property is being transferred.

I had a most interesting experience today which I have had only a handful of times in the past. While I was walking Sadie, I really became involved with the energy or whatever it is that was causing my body to move rhythmically along the streets. In fact, I became so enchanted by It, that I extended our walk by a couple of blocks just so that I could continue to enjoy it.

Namaste

More About the Wind

After having typed the poem Who Has Seen the Wind, I was profoundly struck by the idea that maybe I was onto something, or at least had come up with an interpretation for The Mystery that might help me understand an aspect of It. I have spent quite a bit of this last week contemplating the ideas that I presented in that blog, and trying to apply them to whatever was happening around me, as well as to my Self. I am beginning to think that everything I see and experience is an outward appearance that is being caused by something else, which is what I remember hearing or reading from mystics and spiritual teachers. In other words and drawing a simile to Who has seen the wind ... etc, everything I see, hear, taste, feel is being produced by something and that something is probably what I want to become acquainted with. So now I not only look at a tree, but I meditate on what is causing that tree to be. I continue to derive a sense of deep reverence from this exercise and while I have no answer for what it is that is causing a tree, I am fairly certain that It is an important quality to consider. And I don't just apply this train of thinking to trees: I am applying it to everything, including my own being.

On Tuesday, when I went to read to a young adult, I had a few minutes to spare while waiting for him so popped into the antique mall where there is a quality used bookstore. I suddenly found myself standing in front of a shelf of novels and before my eyes was W.O. Mitchell's Who Has Seen the Wind. Out of curiosity, I opened the book and leafed through it looking for the poem I had quoted in my blog: I wanted to see if I had got it right. I found it and to my surprise, discovered that it had been penned by Christina Rossetti, and that it was the second and final verse of that poem. As Rossetti had become devout in her adult life, I now wonder if she actually intended that the poem express something mystical. I have Googled her and read several biographies, but cannot discern how spiritual she became during her life.

It really doesn't matter if Rossetti was spiritual or simply religious, or whether she intended that her poem be read at one level by everybody and at another level by spiritual seekers. As good works of art are likely inspired by The Mystery, the poem probably was meant to offer a bit of understanding about The Mystery: a little lesson. In Tomorrow's God, Neale Donald Walsch is told that spiritual teachings are found everywhere: God doesn't intend that they should be found in only one place or be given to one single teacher to share with those who are seeking.

In Practicing the Presence, Joel Goldsmith recommends taking one, just one, idea and working with it for several months until it melds with one's being and one totally "gets it." I don't know that I will continue to contemplate how The Mystery might be involved with or behind the appearance of everything, but it seems to be causing me to consider this idea and work with it. If I can stay with it and not be distracted by some new or innovative idea, it will be interesting to see how it evolves.

Namaste

Who Has Seen The Wind

I ended my last post with Who has seen the wind? Neither you nor I. But when the trees bow down their heads the wind is passing by. I have been pondering this ditty much since typing it last night and have a sense that it is helping me to understand something profound. In that last post, I began to suggest that this poem might be a metaphor for the mystery, or not so much a metaphor as I don't suppose the wind in the poem was intended to describe the mystery, but rather could be used as a simile.

I am now viewing God as something akin to the wind of this poem and that as a human being, it is more likely that one can come to have a sense of God by studying effects and contemplating that which causes them: God is not the effect itself nor is the bent over or swaying tree the wind, but because the tree is bent or swaying, one knows that wind might be present. With this in mind, as I walked I viewed everything I was seeing, feeling, and experiencing as an effect of God and tried to come up with a realization that could help me understand that which underlies or creates the effect. All I seemed able to summon was awe and the impression that whatever it is is completely mysterious and presently unknowable. This sense of awe and mystery invoked in me a feeling of quiet reverence.

Namaste

Being an Instrument

     "I seek nothing for myself; I seek only to be used as an instrument to bring light to those still in darkness. I do not use Truth, but I permit Truth to use me. I let Truth flow through me to the nations of the world who are still seeking what they shall eat and what they shall drink and wherewithal they shall be clothed; but I live, not by bread alone, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God." (Goldsmith. Practicing the Presence. pp 112).

I have read this before, heard it from many sources, but regularly fail to make achieving it a priority in my life. This morning when I went over to my mum's to change the sheets on her bed, fold and stow her laundry, and take out her garbage, the idea of being God's instrument fled from my mind the moment I found my mother sitting on her walker in her walk-in closet, in the dark, sleeping. I was somewhat alarmed, even though she then said she had not been feeling well and was just napping. By the time I had recovered some of my equilibrium, all thought of attempting to be an instrument to bring light into her darkness -- she isn't entirely living in darkness as she introduced me to the teachings of Goldsmith, but she has either forgotten or deleted it from a place of importance in her life -- had fled.

Before helping my mother, I had walked Sadie in the woods beside the river. It was another lovely day, cold and frosty with snow whitening the crests of the surrounding hills. I tried so hard to meditate or be aware as I walked, but constant distractions seemed to prevent me from being successful.

When on the way home I stopped at the grocery store to buy milk and eggs, there I was sharing a supermarket and interacting with shoppers, clerks, and cashiers, and walking around in a daze, forgetting entirely that these people are me and I them and we are all one. As far as I could tell, I was certainly not a conduit for light, or any other energy that God felt like channeling through me to them. This doesn't mean that I was rude or anything like that. It was more as if I was exhausted and everybody was invisible to me because it required too much effort of me to actually see them.

It seems to me that it is important to practice and develop a skill such as being an instrument of God in an easy, non-threatening environment so that one becomes au fait with it and can carry it out in a more challenging environment or situation. I suppose that herein lies an error: that it is not a skill that I need to develop, but a state of being that God will develop through me. Unfortunately, my rational mind wants to know when I am doing it right or getting it right and is certain that there is a technique that has to be learned.

This afternoon, I had again the discouraging thought that I am really getting nowhere. I can see no change for the better in my life; no improvement; no fabulous insight which will take me to the next level if there is a next level; no growth. Stagnation, yes. Definitely stuck. Even non-functional. I don't know how to move forward. I have no insight, no sense of guidence, no intuition, no passion to help direct me. I have too many questions and no answers. And the more I study and try to figure this stuff out, the more questions and fewer answers I have. I am even beginning to think that being a normal human being, working and chasing money for survival, going to fitness clubs, taking holidays, gossiping, and trying to keep up with trends is more fun than the spiritual life. At least one has rules to guide one and in that there is something almost like a sense of security for one knows how one has to function to exist as a member of the human race. Having typed this, I just saw the news bulletin about Libya and realize that I need to qualify "human race" to read Western or Canadian society.

Returning to the quote from Practicing the Presence, it is my understanding that controlling the mind so that thoughts aren't impediments to universal energy, and acting upon divine impulse is the correct spiritual way to operate in the world, and is one way of being God's instrument. How does the spiritual student succeed at this though, if she is always being distracted by happenings in the world around her, or by her emotional state? Is it something that can be achieved through forming a habit, or does one just evolve to a state where one can easily be the instrument of God? I wish I could find a really good set of instructions or recipe to follow.

And then there is this niggling thought in my mind, that maybe I am looking too hard for too much. When I help my mother, I can see that she has been eased and has found temporary peace. Maybe God is working through me, but I don't know, acknowledge, or recognize it. That brings back that lovely little ditty from the novel we had to read in high school, Who has seen the Wind: "Who has seen the wind. Neither you nor I. But when the trees bow down their heads the wind is passing by." I think I quoted it accurately, but whether I have or haven't, it conveys what I am getting at: that when dealing with Universal truths and God, maybe I should give more importance to effects, like what my mother becomes after I have spent time with her? This requires some pondering.

Namaste

SOLAR STORMS and Life in Cowichan Bay

I am still reading my way through Practicing the Presence by Joel Goldsmith and while it continues to inform and teach, nothing particularly useful or eureka-ing has jumped out at me for a couple of days. This doesn't mean that it isn't a helpful read for anybody who has deliberately stepped onto the spiritual path and is looking for some guidance and advice, and much of what I have read -- truthly re-read as I have read Practicing the Presence several times previously -- has caused me to introduce some new attitudes and practices into my day-to-day regime.

This morning, I appreciated the reminder to "Go within; get quiet; become still until the peace that passeth understanding descends." Sometimes, I don't manage to stay in the meditative state long enough to achieve this, and I can probably count on the digits of one hand the number of sessions when I have done this really well. I often break off the meditation when I am battling with it and it doesn't seem to be achieving anything except for a level of frustration. Sometimes, I will go "out into the world" and put some pressing tasks behind me, then return and try to meditate again. I continue to strive to discipline myself to return to brief periods of meditation throughout the day: however, I keep forgetting to run around busily thinking that it is God that is doing the running around and not me. Oh well!!!

This morning, Cowichan Bay was hailed and sleeted upon. I consider hail to be unusual for February. Around here, it is a behaviour one expects around the time of the summer solstice. Sleet is perfectly acceptable. I realized that there must be some solar storms hitting Earth's atmosphere and wondered if that is why I had a headache last night. I am very sensitive to energy. I wear a lot of natural fibres to help my body cope with this problem as I think that nylon and polyester clothing upsets my energy field and causes me to feel fatigued. I am nervous to shake hands with people because I tend to transmit a fairly violent noisy shock of lightening between our bodies. Despite warnings that this will probably happen, some people have been quite startled by the power of these shocks: should I say they were shocked? I have to be very careful around computers as I can cause them to go haywire and screens to go black. This is particularly a problem if I am upset as I used to be around the time that my ADD afflicted ex- was leaving me for his next wife. We have a full moon tomorrow night and that coupled with a solar storm should be quite interesting.

Yesterday and today, I have been busier than usual, mostly with little projects that are not routine. For example, I made cat and dog food this morning which is a regular event, but when I came to stow it in the freezer, I first cleaned out the freezer. Then I groomed Sadie who is starting to shed her undercoat -- Pomeranians can be double-coated and Sadie's fluffy-stuff undercoat comes loose from her body and forms little matts inside her hair at this time of the year. Later, I extracted a cast iron pedestal (leg) for a round table from behind my studio cottage and took it out to the driveway and placed it in a newly formed rut which keeps reappearing because somebody is driving a big truck up the driveway and leaving the gravel portion and travelling on my soggy wet sod (grass). I have had to repair these ruts in my sod, twice and if I don't repair them, come summer time when the grass grows long, I run the risk of stepping in one of these holes and twisting my ankle. The neighbour assures me it isn't they or their friends who are running off the driveway onto my sod, but they are the only people who use this driveway. The previous owners of my property also left some interesting large but rotting pieces of driftwood in the pond garden so I grabbed one of them and put it in the damaged trench which I had just repaired as well as I could, slightly uphill of the iron pedestal. If anybody backs into these objects, it should give them quite a start. As I am on a roll with little projects, I started knitting another cotton dish cloth.

Anyway, my point is that I am finding that these projects have been enriching my life. I had slumped into a state of doing little while waiting for life to improve. I have to admit that I performed all of these activities without giving a single thought to God or invoking It only remembering later in time that I should have invoked God; and instead I have worked at these tasks without realizing that it's really God that is doing them, not me, and then I feel guilty of negligence.

Namaste

BEFRIENDING GOD

It came to me last night, that I should make an effort to befriend God which I suppose is like saying that I should befriend my Self. As I still don't know God -- meaning I realize that I am the oneness with It -- I am struggling to understand what is meant by this advice. Maybe the real reason for my dilemma is that I still don't know what quality of my Self is God and therefore, I have no idea what aspect of my Self I am supposed to be befriending. When this thought came to me, I had a sense that it would be fun and extraordinarily fulfilling to achieve such a friendship.

This morning, I skipped the spiritual reading, and went straight to my computer. I have decided to unsubscribe from a number of sites that I was hoping to earn a little income from, only to realize that they are pimps. As I get rid of these Internet "connections," I feel a growing sense of freedom. Next, I tried to meditate and was not too successful at the sitting meditation, but had some wonderful deep moments while meditating on my walk with Sadie. My attention seemed to be drawn to the gulls, a lazy Cessna engine, the wind in the evergreens, and the solidity of the pavement beneath my feet. It was a lovely experience and seemed to work better for me than on past occasions.

Yesterday, I watched a documentary on PBS about adult ADD. It was a huge revelation as I suddenly realized that my ex-husband has severe undiagnosed ADD. Afterwards, I spent some time on various websites that sponsor ADD self-tests for determining if one has this condition. I scored 15 and I was generous with some of my answers, but my ex- scored 80 and as with my test, I gave him the benefit of the doubt as I was writing the test for him based on what I know from having lived with him for thirty years. If he had taken the test, he might have scored higher. Figuring this out has lightened my heart considerably and given me the strength to stand up to him in the future if and when he becomes difficult. I now know why I haven't been able to trust him for a very long time, and why I am so afraid of him.

On many occasions, I have petitioned God for help in overcoming my fear and distrust of this man as I still have to interact with him. These occasions are rare, and I dread each one with a terror that is debilitating. I kept hoping for an event or insight that would miraculously heal me. I never turn on the TV mid-day, but for some reason -- probably because I have developed a weird swelling in my throat that is leaving me voiceless and inspiring me to take extra good care of my body -- maybe I was bored, and I mindlessly aimed the remote at the thing and hit the power button. The TV was tuned into PBS when it powered up, and I was immediately captivated by the subject of ADD. This is partly due to the fact that one of my sons thinks he has ADHD, so I thought I would learn more about it. As the show progressed and I gathered more information, I found myself thinking that this condition seemed very familiar: the inability to put down roots or stay with an employer for more than a few years; workaholism; violence; impatience; mood swings; addiction to sex; interruptions during conversation; restlessness; twitching in the sleep; unusual bravado; disloyalty.

Knowing that this is what I am dealing with when communicating with the ex- sheds a whole new light on the experience. I am actually finding it in my heart to forgive him and I can certainly see that ignorance of his condition hasn't helped me in my interactions with him. I also now know that he is going to be unpredictable, and I cannot trust anything he says, and why. I even "get" that it is not really him that is relating to me, rather it is this adult ADD thing.

This new understanding is having a tremendously positive and profound effect on me, but I am struggling to decide whether it is spiritual or human or what it is? I mean, did God guide me to this information so that I could heal and understand? Is it an answer to a prayer? If it is an answer to prayer, does that mean that the God-aspect or God is actually paying attention to prayers regarding problems of a human nature? Is ADD a role that the ex- elected to play in this life? Is God playing the role? Is God getting something out of this experience? And what is my role relative to interacting with a person who has ADD?

Namaste

THE BLESSINGS OF ONE'S "LOT"

The last paragraph I read in this morning's reading reads like this:
     "A Presence abides in us, a transcendental Presence which cannot be described, but which is recognized in meditation. There is no greater gift that can come to any man or woman than the answerving conviction that God cares for us, but no one can have this assurance who negelects the continuous, conscious realization of the presence of God. If the Word abides in us, we shall bear fruit richly. God is glorified in the fruitage of our lives, and in no other way is God glorified. In proportion as we live in this Word and let it live in us, there may be problems, but what of it? No one is promised complete immunity from the discords of life while he is on earth living a human life. Problems must inevitably arise, but they can only be a blessing because it is through these problems that we rise higher in consciousness and through that rising, harmony is brought into our daily life." (Goldsmith. Practicing the Presence. pp 104-105.).

How I wish that instuctions that will lead us to rise higher in consciousness, could be found on the Internet. A step-by-step programme for curing what ails one's heart and spirit and that will lead one to overcome the feelings of incapacitation and stuckness would be one of the greatest boons to mankind, ever. Imagine that one is struggling with some human dilemma such as bill-paying and one finds a list of instructions that goes like this:
1. take dog for walk in woods.
2. while walking dog in woods, focus on breathing in the scent of leaves and earth, mold and warm wood.
3. imagine that everything one sees is God and you are God and you and everything you see are of the same substance.
4. go home and make a cup of fine tea and drink it.
5. now you will find that a miracle has occurred and all the bills have been paid.

I don't think so. And technically, I think that being of service to somebody in need has as good a chance of getting the bills paid as following the above scenario. Hear my skepticism! At least when one serves humanity or another living being be it tending a garden or caring for a pet, one is rewarded with a glow of satisfaction. And I am being a little unfair as a walk in the woods with a dog, employing attitudes as mentioned in bullets 2 and 3, might be a wonderful tonic. I really have no idea if such an exercise will enhance one's spirituality or not as walking and trying to think that everything is God and I am God and we are all one, is something I do quite frequently, and I haven't noticed much difference in my life. And there is no way to test what would happen -- what the results would be -- if during the same time-frame of my life, I didn't walk regularly in the woods unless I can figure out how to live in a parallel universe and perform these two variations at the same time.

I am very careful with money, and the less I have, the less I spend. However, we live in a society (Canada) that seems to require that each person come up with about six or seven hundred dollars a month to survive. This is basic survival. Maybe one can live for less. In Canada, if one is job hunting, one needs a mailing address, telephone, and preferrably the Internet. Some of this also requires electricity. Food runs around $300 per month for one person. If one is interested in supporting one's body with quality vitamin and mineral supplements, forget it. Not going to happen. And rent, well, if one can find a roof for $200 to $300 per month, it will probably be a flea and bed-bug ridden dive. At present, I do not feel qualified to live under a bridge and I will ensure that I die before it comes to that.

As I frantically job hunt, I find it interesting that the only paid work I have managed to come up with is in the field of service to mankind. I am not certain if the universe/God is sending me a message, or if there is some other reason why it is that the retail jobs with companies with benefits like medical and retirement plans that I apply to are not summoning me for interviews. I guess it could be argued that God has other people equally or more desperate that it thinks will benefit from those jobs. And I suppose I am being too impatient and maybe there is a job waiting for me in the future, but the time is not yet right.

I have finally connected with a young man who has adult baby syndrom. I enjoyed reading to him, and feel in my heart that this is a service that I am good at and I am meant to do. However, it is a cash income job and is irregular in its hours and although I charge and will be paid a nominal fee, due to the occasional nature of the work, it will provide little more than fruit and vegetables for my table. I feel gratitude for this opportunity, but God should know that it is hardly enough; not in today's Canadian economy. I will continue to help my mother until she moves into a facility, which for her sake, I hope won't be until nearer the end of her life. I don't trust institutions and their employees and worry that my mother will experience abuse from an ignorant aid or nurse.

But looking at the conclusion of that paragraph from Practicing the Presence, I know what Goldsmith is saying, as do most people. We challenge ourselves, and some part of us grows. I suppose that the act of conquering a problem strengthens us such that the particular problem ceases to be an impediment to a life happily and well-lived. I don't know that it gains a higher state of consciousness, but I suppose that that depends on the nature of the challenge. I think that if one looks at the challenge from Caroline Myss's suggestions, that a challenge is meant to force one to turn to the divine for help, one might well evolve. Unfortunately, Goldsmith often suggests that if this, that, and the other are not right with one's Self, all effort is to no avail. In other words, if one is not vibrating at a higher rate of speed, whatever that means but I think it has something to do with one's emotional state, God can't hear one. Actually and according to Goldsmith, anything to do with humanhood is inaudible to God. God only knows grace and energy: It doesn't know physical things or stuff and certainly doesn't understand what it is like to not be able to pay bills.

I find this aspect of spiritual teaching to be incredibly confusing. Is God aware or isn't it? What is God aware of? On the one hand, Goldsmith suggests that God has no involvement with the issue of feeding ourselves because for God, it is about the energy of supply, not the supply itself or humanhood. On the other hand, a number of spiritual teachers including Adyashanti, Neale Donald Walsch, and even Goldsmith, state that all human condition is perfect to God and God is actively aware of everything that is going on in the lives of humans. So I repeat: is God aware or isn't it?

Namaste

FLOW

In Practicing the Presence, Goldsmith gives his own explanation of flow and the real reason for tithing. I want to believe in flow and I used the practice well for a couple of years when I had money to flow. I didn't actually see the flow as being something coming from God and going out to God, but I felt gratitude for all good things that came to me, and I considered that spending money for services and "stuff" was a way to support other human beings and I had the right to give my support wherever I was moved to give it. And in return, those humans had the opportunity to help me. So I did this joyfully and found it rewarding. According to Goldsmith and others, when done this way, the flow should continue and even increase should one use some of it for items beyond immediate necessities such as the cucumber I bought the other day. Unfortunately, to me it felt as if the flow was dwindling and so I am no longer convinced that flowing money as I have done in the past is a good  or safe thing.

I admit that I never flow more than I have to flow as I don't want to go into debt much less face bankruptcy. Lately, I have felt frustrated because I have been generous and generous from my heart and not because I wanted to gain something. Rather, somebody else needed money more than I did, I had it to give, so I gave. And technically, I should not be undergoing this lack. It leaves me wondering, and I have to be quite honest with myself, although my mind perceives a shrinking of finances, I really am not yet lacking any of the necessary life sustaining substances and things. With this dwindling, I am in a situation where I am not certain whether I am going to be able to afford food, but we haven't actually made it to a state where we simply can't afford food. I have certainly switched from supporting organic growers to buying fruit and vegetables that I can afford in order to save money for other necessities.

Interestingly, after my tirade of last Sunday against the Universe and my breakdown to the point of being happy if I died, the Universe has supplied me with money on Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, and now there is a chance to be supplied today. And yes, I am greatful for all the supply and have been flowing it. But how does one flow money and still put some aside for one's dotage? As banks use what one deposits, I suppose that banking it and investing it is a form of flowing it. I must get my head around that and as I type this, I think my heart is embracing the idea, too. I was somewhat blind to the idea that banking and investing is still flowing money. I can immediately see that this is innaccurate as banks and investing firms provide livelihoods and by using these services, I am supporting employees of these firms. Also, when I invest in mutual funds, I am helping industry. So I have been wrong to think that putting money aside for my dotage is a means of damming up my money so it can't flow. Now if I were to sew it into my mattress, that would be different.

Namaste

TOMORROW'S GOD

For the last two days, I have been feeling the urge to listen to Neale Donald Walsch again. I didn't feel like dealing with the cd player so I scanned my iPod for something, thought there was nothing of his on it, then found Tomorrow's God. I don't remember listening to this, ever, so I was curious and gave it a go. At first, I was somewhat apprehensive as the discussion between Walsch and God implied that humans are about to get a new God: out with the old, in with the new. It turned out that it was a misunderstanding. As the dialogue continued, I learned that what is really going on is the concept that more and more humans are going to redefine God as being an omnipotent omniscient omnipresent force or energy as talked about by all my favourite gurus, rather than the all powerful separate being as talked about by the world's religious movements. After my early skepticism and reluctance to continue listening, I became absorbed in what was being said, and impressed. I will need to listen to it many times, and many times again.

Before I had to bow out and sleep, I heard mention of the very ideas I was exploring in yesterday's post. Remember the exercise I was doing while I walked Sadie: my body is God, Sadie is God, God is walking, the road is God, the birds are God, the litter is God, etc? Although I can "get this" intellectually, I am still completely challenged to get it at an experiential level or whatever it is that will make the concept real for me. But I will pursue it. I understand the idea of quantum physics and cosmology being God, but am still somewhat ignorant about it and was glad to hear that subject being expanded by God and Walsch.

They even discussed that whole business of what is God's or of God -- everything -- is mine, and that one is to focus on one's abundance rather than lack, and that yearning for something that one does not have only makes matters worse because it implies that one lacks. It is more complicated than this and challenging to keep it up when one sees the abundance dwindling or drying up. I am not good at faking it 'til I make it.

This morning, while reading Goldsmith's Practicing the Presence, this same subject was developed and given a slightly different twist:
     "When we recognize God as the source of all good, God as our sufficiency, and that people and circumstances are but the avenue or instrument of our supply, we are likely to have the experience of Moses with manna falling from the sky, or Elijah with ravens bringing food, finding cakes baked on the stones, or a widow sharing. Anything can happen, but one thing is certain to happen, and that is abundance."

Goldsmith encourages the spiritual seeker to recognize God's gifts of abundance and see it coming from all sources and in unexpected forms. I used to be quite good at this, but during this present crisis, have seemed to lost my way and forgotten. I also like the metaphor of the fruit tree that bears abundantly from within its being rather than pulling fruit out of the atmosphere and sticking it on its branches. I suppose it has something to do with being human because I put too much faith in something I can see and touch and not enough trust in the abstract invisible Mystery.

Namaste

Apologies to Firefox -- THE CHALLENGER

Of course it was there all along, the horse-thing. I just had to look at that bar across the top of the window and click on the bit that read "Colette Baron-Reid" which in my frustration at having thought that I had lost the information, I was unable to see. I no longer need fresh windows to open in Firefox: I had a momentary forgetting that this is how the technology works nowadays. So here is what was printed on that daily wisdom card:

"The Challenger (Reversed)
     The Horse King wants to know why you think you can do everything yourself. Keeping control of everything around you is counterproductive and exhausting. You may lose an important opportunity if you insist on being stubborn. The Horse King is patient, however, and will wait for you to come to your senses and accept the help you need. You won't be be able to reach your goal otherwise.
     Yet the Horse King says that all it takes is the decision to jump on his back, ask for help, and graciously allow yourself to be carried to your destination. Let go of your control and amazing things can happen to you."

Yes, there is something metaphysical about turning to psychics and cards and runes for help. However, I believe that humans are meant to help one another and if somebody has more expertise than I and if I can believe that they aren't a charlatan or fraud -- it's tricky for me to find trust in a psychic -- what's the difference in asking an experienced psychic to intuit for one or an experienced builder to repair the foundations of one's home? I may have intuited that I needed to check out those cards as this one that came up for me is encouraging me to allow the Universe to take charge of my life. Yes, it is another excellent reminder and I believe that the Universe wanted me to have it from yet another source. This is not the same as expecting a piece of quartz or incense to fix me or lift me into a state of euphoria. But I suppose there is a metaphysical flavour to it.

Namaste




     

CORNY, BUT SOUND ADVICE

I just finished picking a card from Colette Baron-Reid's daily wisdom pack: see her website if you want to learn more about her. It was the horse. Unfortunately, when I went to my blog icon on my screen so I could share what it said, I forgot that I would lose the information about the horse which I wanted to post here. It would be nice if Firefox would open fresh new windows instead of replacing websites that one is looking at with new websites that one opens. That way, when someone stupidly clicks on their blog icon, they will keep the original information and have the blog form. I should have opened up a separate web browser and used my bookmark instead. Oh well, the gist of the horse card was that I needed to get into the saddle, relax, and allow the horse to take me where it wants to.

I returned to Colette Baron-Reid's website and tried the wisdom pack, again, but it is all Owls this time. I didn't realize until this second visit that all the cards in the fan are the same and they change. Nevertheless, I think that Colette Baron-Reid is one of the better psychics around and is deeply spiritual in a manner that appeals to me because it agrees with what I think. To my mind, I am being a little unfair. Everybody is entitled to their own form of spirituality and their own belief systems, but if those belief systems don't mesh well with mine, I have difficulty incorporating those oposing ideas into my thinking. Having said this, I know when an idea or belief is good and worth pondering and I am entirely open to having my thinking reshaped. But if, for example, somebody were to tell me that the only way I will wake up is to attend Catholic mass regularly, I won't believe them because I am over anything Catholic (as of a past life I think) except to realize that a lot of great spiritual teachers are ex-Catholic so they must have received an excellent foundation upon which to build their spirituality.

I own and have read Colette Baron-Reid's book, Remembering the Future, and I used to regularly listen to Colette Baron-Reid on her Hay House Radio show. There is metaphysics and there is spirituality. In my mind, the difference is that with metaphysics, one explores tools and techniques for creating mystical experiences. With spirituality, one is attempting to find God and allow It to run one's life. Many authors and teachers are still using metaphysical approaches to spirituality, and for the most part, I am trying to move on from that. Colette Baron-Reid has a more spiritual approach, as does Caroline Myss, and that is one of the reasons why she "works" for me. I am sure that one can achieve enlightenment through practices of Yoga, burning incense, and placing the correct crystals in the correct parts of the house, and this is because I had those two moments of waking up at a time in my life when I had no idea what was happening to me and when I was really not practicing anything spiritual, although I love nature and gardens and can spend hours looking at the ocean, enjoying its change in colour and texture, and thinking about its molecules and their journeys around the planet. I expect that when I am staring at the ocean or a mountain or my garden and being absorbed by the beauty of them, I am meditating.

Hay House Radio which is an On-line radio stations is wonderful and full of interesting radio hosts like Wayne Dyer, Byron Katie, and Cheryl Richardson.  But it was better before it became financially challenged. I assume it became financially challenged because suddenly one needed a paid membership to download from the archives. I cannot believe that a radio station that wants to help people, would suddenly charge money to download its programmes unless it were in financial difficulty. It is my belief that information pertaining to spirituality should be free and available. One can still listen to the radio shows without becoming a member and they are repeated throughout the day. When membership was free, one could download shows from the archives as long as one had signed up with login, etc, and there was no money involved. Downloading was useful because one could listen to the show over and over again and take it with one on an mp3 player. Sometimes, information needs multiple listenings in order to "get it." Hay House Radio is what I listened to day and night after my dearest sweetest husband of more than thirty years left me for a new sweetheart in Australia and they now live in Germany.

After my devestating marital breakup, I managed to contact both Caroline Myss on her show, and another Hay House show host and they both, as well as two other psychics that I went to in person, told me that I didn't need "him" around and that I was better off without him. It was very helpful to download those two shows and listen to them repeatedly as it is amazing how much I missed hearing when speaking directly with these two hosts. I have tapes from the other two psychics and I can listen to those again, if I want or need to.

In retrospect, it is a good thing that the ex- is with her and not with me as I am free to create a wonderful life for myself, if I could only find a way to provide myself with adequate income. I hated being dragged off to Hawai'i by ex- as I was not allowed to work in the U.S. and I was really not allowed to volunteer unless it could be proved that there was no American available to do the volunteer work. I wanted to be in Canada, my homeland, and close to my parents, sister, and children, and where I had the choice to work and where I didn't have to beg my way across the border in order to go home which is what happened upon returning to Waimea every time I visited my parents and daughter in Canada.

According to my first-born son, the ex- has just slipped on black ice while riding a bicycle, and is flat on his back for four weeks with a broken hip. I am wondering if it is actually his pelvis that broke. Anyway, it seems somewhat karmic that he should experience what it is like to be helpless. The first time I was incapacitated with a torn achilles tendon, he went off to France for work leaving me living in rural Victoria, in January, with goats to feed and milk, chickens, a home heated entirely by a woodstove, and three young children. It is amazing how challenging life becomes when one has to use crutches. Try carrying a cup of tea while hopping. The second occasion was when I had my bicuspid aorta replaced and instead of helping me while I recovered, he took off for Australia to unite with his new girl friend. During those three months, I adapted and learned ways to do almost everything that I was forbidden to do while my sternum healed. The major factor with open heart surgery is that one must not lift more than ten pounds, including using the arms to lift one's body which weighs more than ten pounds if one is an adult human, or drive a car because one mustn't torque the steering wheel, for the entire twelve weeks. I bused everywhere, used shopping bags and put 2 litres of milk in one bag which should equal about 5 lbs and kept the groceries in the second bag to less than the milk in weight. I stood on my toes when hanging laundry on the line to dry, and I found that if I placed an unopened jar between my knees, I could break the vacuum seal of the lid without the torque pulling on my chest.Yes, I adpated well.

Today in Practicing the Presence, I was reading that our relationship with God or oneness with It "constitutes our oneness with all spiritual being and idea." Apparently and according to Goldsmith, as we understand the meaning of this idea, good begins to flow to us. I suppose that when Goldsmith uses the word "good" he means what is good according to God or The Mystery. In Adyashanti's talk entitled Listening Within, he tells the story of a spiritual person who gives up his shop because he was robbed. When this shopkeeper relates the story to his guru, the guru tells him that what he should have done is to pick up the broom which is God, whack the thief on his backside which is God, take back his goods which are God, and put them back in his shop which is God ... or something like that. So as I walked Sadie around the block I was saying to myself, I am walking on the road which is God. This body that is walking is God. Sadie is God. The birds that are singing and flying around me -- we have a sudden huge influx of birds in my neighbourhood -- are God. And then I had difficulty with the litter and trying to accept that it too was God and that God was happy to have cigarette boxes, candy wrappers, and plastic bags all of which are God, in Its ditch which is God. Funnily, I felt a shift in my being as if I was feeling a little lighter which equates to happier. Maybe this was because the exercise was somewhat absurd, at least to a logical human mind, and my mind was making its presence known by finding humour in this train of thought.

Speaking of mind, I have noticed of late, long periods of mental stillness. The mind does seem to need to be activated in order to notice this stillness, but that's all it does: notice. There is no thinking happening, only an alertness and awareness of that which is happening around me. I believe that some form of mind or mental discipline -- ability to have the mind still itself -- is necessary in order to succeed at waking up. Maybe some of my exercises are starting to produce results?

Also noted while listening to Adyashanti was his explanation which attempts to help seekers figure out what they are looking for when they want to experience that part of themselves that is alive and real. He talks about focusing on the part of one's Self that is neither inside the body nor outside the body; to find that place that is between the inside and the outside of the body. That is it. I think I know what he means as recently, when I go looking for it, I have an almost rearing up like a horse experience in which a part of me that I sense kind of rears up and falls back into a part that is slightly behind it. When this happens, I feel a pulling back and a straightening up, almost as if my physical body is straightening up through the spine. I can remain in this state for a few moments as long as I am not doing anything else. If I am walking the dog, for example, I am not able to think myself into the state as walking is still too distracting. As it is reminiscent of my second sartori or brush with waking up, I think that I have been experiencing what Adya is talking about. But like much of this stuff, I seem to have found it before somebody told me that this is what to look for, only I didn't know I had found it and needed somebody I trust to help me see it for what it is. I really have to learn to trust my Self and not discount these experiences that happen to me or be so skeptical of them.

Namaste

I WOULD LIKE TO DELETE YESTERDAY'S POST, BUT WON'T

Yesterday was a very difficult day. I felt the truth; that I have no power to help myself or change anything for the better and I wanted to die. Some would argue the impossibility of changing one's lot in life and I think that there are actions one can take and actions one should avoid and good and bad choices, but when it comes to the big stuff like landing a job, I think it takes the hand of the universe to intervene and make it happen. I am open to discovering that I am wrong.

I think that what one puts out is what one gets back, and there is some scientific proof of this to support the theory. In fact, I would say that this is truly what Karma is all about. Joel Goldsmith discusses laws. When he talks about laws, he is not talking about man's laws or national laws. He is talking about Universe's laws or truths, like gravity and thermodynamics. It seems that attracting back to one's self what one puts out is also one of Universe's laws. Laws as found in the ten commandments are probably man made as there is evidence that those laws came from Moses and not from God, and yes, we can argue that God inspired them, but according to Neale Donald Walsch's books, they did not come from God. However, they are useful for creating harmony among humans. Laws such as speed limits and cell phone usage and eating fish on Fridays are man's laws and therefore changeable, but Universe's laws are fixed. But notwithstanding laws, if God is the only power in the Universe, then only God can put harmony and balance into my life. I have not the power to do this for myself.

After a terrible evening of Tylenol to soothe the emotional pain, Benadryl to help me go to sleep, and a little bit of alcohol to numb my ability to think, I had a deep sleep. This morning, I woke well before my alarm, got up and went into the kitchen to feed Sadie, Laksmi, and Shanti. After they were taken care of, I took my thyroid med, but put the warfarin back in its bottle. I was preparing to do a load of laundry when the phone rang. Every time the phone rings, my heart jumps and hope arises only to be dashed when I find out that the caller isn't somebody inviting me in for a job interview or offering me employment. This morning, it was my mother and she asked if I could come into town as she had forgotten to pay me, and she had some extra work for me to do and she wanted to pay me for that, too. So I took my warfarin, finished my laundry, and went to her aid.

$30 heavier, I was able to go and buy the eggs, lettuce, and other items on the shopping list that I had not been able to buy on Sunday because I had no money for them. I thanked the universe and bought a healthy frill (treat -- a long English cucumber to be enjoyed in sandwiches of my homemade spelt bread) as well. Yes, I can be horribly fickle and completely without focus and direction as I battle or glide my way through life. At times, I even become so angry that I denounce God and want to behave in a wreckless fashion.

I have decided to leave yesterday's post as it is a good example of how being spiritual doesn't necessarily solve anything or improve one's lot. I have been told that when one awakens spiritually, one will still have glitches in life, but one won't care about them. I can believe this.

For now, I am exhausted after last night's emotional collapse. I have had a busy day job hunting, helping my mum, walking Sadie in the woods and in the sunshine, shopping, and using up a dozen egg whites in a homemade spelt angel food cake. For this, I even make the icing sugar: 1 C sugar whirled in the blender for a few minutes to powder it, and 1 tbsp arrowroot added to the powdered sugar. When I first made corn-free icing sugar, I couldn't believe how easy it was and was so totally amazed at what I had done, that I shared my experience and excitement with my son who shared it with his significant other who immediately wanted to make lavender icing sugar. Her response to her creation was similar to mine. So I was not the only one "over the top" about it.

Namaste

Another Challenging Day

I feel so helpless and hopeless. I have hit bottom. The last time I was this low was before we left our lovely home on Denman Island for the first time and moved to Hawai'i where my then-husband designed fancy electronic technology for a large Canadian observatory. When ex left me for his Australian girl friend, I was very angry and often sad, but I was not in this deep depression that I am in today. Why is it that he who was a very troubled angry man who beat his son and wife and often screamed and yelled at us in rage, could go to the end of the driveway and have one of his tantrums against the universe, and within two weeks have an entirely different and beautiful life unfolding for him? And here am I, loyal to a T, labouring, supporting, caring, deeply spiritual, rarely hurts anybody or thing, and quite powerless and unable to inspire the universe to show me signs and direction so that I can take appropriate action and improve my lot.

This evening, I feel truly unhappy with myself. Weekly, I do a little work for my mother folding her laundry, changing the sheets on her bed, taking out her garbage, helping her with bills and cheque writing, and sometimes cooking for her and serving her tea. In exchange, she pays me $20 because she likes to keep this side of our relationship on a business footing. As I am now receiving only $500 per month spousal support, I am desperate for those twenties. I feel guilty, because I go and help her as much for those needed twenties as to be of service to somebody who I love and feel I owe a huge debt to. I would feel far better if I didn't need the money, and could help her for the love of doing it which is what I initially did. Anyway, today she forgot to pay me and as I drove away from her place, I was in tears. I felt devestated that the universe couldn't even bother to jog her memory and help me out this little bit. And no, I would never remind my mother that she owes me $20 and I won't go to her purse and take it either.

I have pretty much decided to stop the warfarin and see what happens. Yes, this will be a type of roulette: if I am meant to live I will, but if I am not supposed to be around any longer -- my belief -- I will go. Yeah! Death from this horrible human existence. It is beyond me to find work in a small city like Duncan and I need help from the Universe and it isn't coming through with the goods. I am a woman who is beyond playing most of the games that humans like to play in order to fit in and get ahead. I cannot imagine showing passion about a job as I am not a passionate type of person and rarely feel passion. I honestly don't think I can fake it, either, as that is a form of self-deception not to mention who else I am deceiving. Actually, at job interviews, I tend to come across as calm or unflappable and unemotional. Who would want to employ somebody like that? Give a prosepective employer passion and enthusiasm. That's what they want.

Most of the companies that I am interested in working for demand electronic application and resume submissions. Their job ads imply that if one doesn't apply using their prescribed format, one will not be considered for the job. In the old days, one could put in a personal appearance and hand in cover letters that expressed far more than resumes do. These days and with this On-line system, there are very few opportunities for putting forward a persuasive argument for why one is the best candidate for the job. Nevertheless, I keep trying by sending in resumes.

I meditate, think of God/Universe/Mystery/Christhood most of the time, read and study, listen to audio tapes of satsangs and the like, and attempt various techniques for dealing with my issues as suggested by countless books I have read and authors I have listened to, and still nothing is working. Adyashanti would probably tell me that I am right where I need to be: in the doldrums. Actually, it feels more like limbo. Gangaji might say the same. Caroline Myss would suggest that I have been put in this position in order to force me to turn to God. I have repeatedly turned to God and faithfully used Abraham Hicks suggestions for long periods of time, and at the moment all this seems to be to no avail. I have become convinced that I am simply where I am because I should have died from an unrepaired aortic valve, and because I am supposed to be disincarnate, there is no future for me with this body, and the matrix or whatever doesn't have use for me in human form in its energy field.

I have been incredibly patient, waiting for life to improve and I have to say that I had one beautiful year after moving into this house: probably the best, the finest, the happiest year of my life. Surely that is good enough and it is time for me to bow out.

Namaste

AM I -- The Only One?

As I came up with the subject title for this post, I realized that the question would be misleading as this is a blog about waking up. Most people who study this stuff know that the answer is supposed to be yes, so why is this author posing such a silly question? Actually, my intent with this title was to refer to life experiences and wonder if my experiences are specific to me -- probably -- or have other people had similar experiences and can relate to what I am going through? In other words, am I the only one who has ever experienced a situation like the one I am having at this time?

I continue to feel totally confused, and am completely incapable of having a plan, much less sticking to a modus operandi. Sometimes I want to give up, sometimes I want to die, sometimes I want to keep trying, sometimes I am exhausted with the effort of pretending to myself that it is God that is doing the work and not me, and sometimes I feel greatly optomistic. Then there are those times when I wish with all my heart that God could respond to my plight and give me a nudge. In the old days, I had passions. Passions were actually very helpful and assisted me in figuring out what to do next. These days, I am void of passion. I don't know what to do with my life. My life has come to the end of a cul-de-sac and there is no left or right or straight ahead, and I can't go backwards. I am totally bamboozled.

Despite this, I had a productive day. I made bread, spread more newspaper on the weedy parts of the garden, took Sadie for a long walk, swept the floors, and did some odd spot cleaning (places that don't normally get cleaned, like around taps). For some reason, being productive was, and is usually, fuel for self-esteem. Or at least, it makes me feel happier about life. Note: must try and be more productive while I wait for the universe to sort out what it's going to do with me next.

This morning, I had the interesting thought that maybe my life is supposed to be over by now. In May 2006, I was told that it was time to replace my bicuspid aorta valve or I would be dead in four years. This morning, it occurred to me that it might be possible that when I came into this world -- reincarnated -- I did so with the understanding that I would be dead by now. Because of the improvement of medicine in my lifetime, it was possible for a condition that should have killed me by now, to be made redundant. So now I live on. What if there is nothing left for me and I am not meant to be alive at this time? More and more frequently I am pondering my death. In memory of my dream about death, and because of various readings expecially Michael Newton's inbetween life accounts, becoming disincarnate is very appealing right now. I am not so stupid as to commit suicide as I don't believe that that is a solution and I am convinced that suicide causes other problems, or rather, setbacks. Fortunately, I am on warfarin and when life becomes unbearable, I can contemplate stopping it to see if life allows this body to die or if it keeps it going.

Many years ago, when I was in a different mindset, I would have attempted to create a better life for myself. Now, I have no idea where to look, where to begin, how to go about something for which I have no bent. I am a fifty-six-year-old woman with little to no work experience. I am not ambitious. I like serving others. I spent most of my adult life being a stay-at-home mum, raising three children, cooking and feeding everybody, supporting (not financially, but picking up all the pieces and taking care of the day-to-day) a husband to whom I gave complete freedom to develop himself into an accomplished electronics engineer in the astronomy community. And then he buggers off to Australia and marries somebody else. I am really not able to compete favourably for the few jobs that are available to people living in my area. Too old, too little experience. Probably too spiritual and I think people sense this in me and find it offputting although I try and hide it. I tend to be fairly unemotional and appear unflappable, devoid of passion, disinterested.

Every morning, after my spiritual readings and meditation, I fire up this computer and job search. I have applied for a number of jobs over the last two weeks. The chocolate wrapping job has finally been advertised in the local paper -- I found it Online -- so I expect it will be a while before the business owner will be finished looking at all appropriate applicants. I am not holding out any hope for that job, although it would give me the flexibility I need and enough income to buy essential food for myself. I think I would enjoy it, too, but how can one know how one will feel about wrapping chocolates: it is impossible to guess the state of one's mind after six hours a day, three days a week, for months on end, of wrapping chocolates. Would one become totally bored and hate it, or would one find a way to enjoy the work? I don't know the answer to that, and I told my interviewer that, and mentioned it in my application to him.

I enjoyed cashiering, and would do that again if it is for somebody who is ethical and treats their employees fairly. Heck, if I become desperate enough, I might apply at WalMart and damn their unethical policies: when one needs to eat, who cares. The poor really don't have the time or energy to worry about ethics.

So how does an enlightened person deal with a plight like this? I suppose that they don't get into predicaments like this because they don't have the ability to care. How absolutely lovely. And in the meantime while waiting to wake up, what does one do? I suppose one continues to try and adopt the attitude that the universe is in control and one must sit back and go along for the ride. And I suppose that healthy detachment from outcome is a great boon. If I don't care whether I die or survive, it should make life more manageable.

Then there is the idea that I might be enjoying feeling miserable. Actually, I think that it's a habit with me. I will have to get on and read more of Peter O. Erbe who might touch on this idea, or even develop it in such a way that it will help me to overcome my undesireable state. There certainly seems to be some resistence to making effort to put my life to right, but this could also be due to all the different techniques and the great effort I have made to fix it only to have nothing work and no improvement made. It is disheartening. I have read that when trying to manifest one frequently gives up too soon. What is too soon? If one has been battling to improve one's lot for years and no improvement has been made and one is warn out with effort, isn't that enough?

Namaste

The Job Interview

As Wednesday was passing by and bringing me closer and closer towards today's interview, I continuously reminded myself that I was a passenger in this job hunting and what would be would be. The interview was going to be the Universe's show and it must be allowed to do with it as it liked. Eventually, the anxiety faded, helped along by the distraction of a computer game. Once faded, it never really got a grip again and I actively kept reminding myself that this interview was for the Universe and not for me: I was simply to be Its instrument. After going to bed at a reasonable hour, I managed to fall asleep, but only after approximately an hour of waiting for sleep to overtake me. This was an improvement on the previous few nights when it was taking me between three and four hours to fall asleep and indicates that my level of anxiety was non-invasive. I woke before the alarm clock, arose, was relaxed enough to eat a healthy breakfast, walked Sadie, and went to my interview.

I remained calm through most of the interview, and tried to be mindful of the presence of the mystery and respond to its bidding. I really don't know how the interview went, ie, whether I will be offered a job, and I know that there has been quite a lot of interest in the position. I am attempting to continue to remind myself that the outcome will be exactly as it should be and as the mystery so desires. This attitude is requiring quite a bit of faith as it depends on which scenario is correct: whether the universe is in control of this situation or I am in control of it. As I still am not decided on this point, I am giving the benefit of my doubt to the universe as previous experience indicates that the universe will come up with the right thing for me and despite and often contradictory to what I think is right.

I am still mostly relaxed as I wait to see what the mystery has in store for me, and am trying to not allow any feelings of insecurity to bring me to a depressed state. Sometimes, my mind thrusts out an idea: I should have said this, mentioned that, or made a certain point to my interviewer. This sends my heart scuttling into my stomach where fear grips it. I then have to begin the process, again, of persuading myself to trust the mystery and know that the right thing for me will happen. This process is at times extremely challenging.

Namaste

Erbe: My Present Reading

As I continue to try and let go and allow the universe to do the driving for me, I am bewildered by my mind and how it is convinced that the end of my own little world is nigh. Logic denies this. Why, just the other day, I received my mutual funds statements and happily noted that my RRSPs are looking strong. My daughter owes me more than 75% of her mortgage on the townhouse she bought from me, and others collectively owe me thousands. I also have other mutual funds and a TIAA-CREF retirement fund, and I own my darling little bungalow. Looking at this, I should not be worrying about finances. But it's the day-to-day cash flow and the dwindling of it that concerns me. As I type this, I can feel the knot of anxiety tightening in my stomach. When I am anxious, I find it so difficult to rest in the arms of the universe and allow it to do its work. And I have experienced time and again how I have come through these periods of worry only to find that everything has quietly and beautifully sorted itself out for me. I then chastize myself for spending days/weeks/months in worry when I could have been enjoying my time in physical form knowing that the outcome, whatever it might be, is assured.

On Sunday while I was walking the dog, I suddenly had a memory of Denman Island Chocolates: I was wondering how they added the outside paper wrapper. I figured it must be a pre-glued affair which is wetted and then wrapped around the foil-wrapped chocolate bar. Then I thought to myself, no, maybe the paper wrapper is put on, then a touch of glue is added to hold it on the chocolate bar. Some years ago I had applied for a job as a chocolate bar wrapper which I didn't get and that turned out to be a good thing -- although at the time I needed that job -- because I moved off of the island, had major surgery to fix a congenital heart defect, helped my mother and father while my father died from cancer, took a job at Zellers as a cashier, then went to Camosun College for my two-year diploma in Community, Family, and Child Studies which culminated in field school in Kathmandu where I actually made a difference to a small community, despite believing that I was there because I thought that the Nepalese would change me for the better.

On Monday I noticed a help wanted ad and when I looked at the details, discovered that it was for a chocolate wrapper at an organic chocolate business not far from my home. So I applied, and tomorrow I am going in for an interview. I am quite nervous, but I remember Carolyne Myss saying that everybody is nervous when they go for a job interview: nobody is excempt, and I am trying to use that knowledge to bolster my courage. Now I wonder if there was some syncronicity going on here, and if I will get the job. It sounds as if it is somewhat flexible regarding hours which would be perfect as I never know when my mother will need my help. Anyway, I will know better in a few days whether I will be offered the job or not.

I also applied to Home Depot who is looking for somebody to work in the gardening part of the store. I thought that I might really enjoy this because I love gardening and know a lot about the subject, and because I enjoy interacting with people, but the competition ended on Monday and I haven't yet heard from them. At this stage of a job application, it is very difficult to remain emotionally detached from the outcome, especially when one is satisfying an urgent need for income rather than looking for a means to serve mankind. It is all so difficult. I must say, though, I am curious as to what Universe has in store for me.

I continue to read Goldsmith, daily, and am presently working my way through Practicing the Presence. Goldsmith seems to repeat variations on one idea; the idea that one should focus on seeking for God's kingdom within and overcoming duality: this is my interpretation and summation of Goldsmith's writings and teachings. Goldsmith says that "our true identity is consciousness, Spirit, Soul, and we are not subject to the laws of matter." He recommends that we make this effective by a specific act of consciousness and I quote:
     "Spirit is my true identity. I have now come out and become separate; I am no longer of the world, even though in it, and therefore, I am not subject to the world's laws. None of these human beliefs is binding upon the child of God, the offspring of Spirit, which I am. God is the source of my being; God is the activity and the law of my being, and I consciously accept that. I am not subject to man-made laws; I am subject only to grace. Thy grace is sufficient for me."

With this in mind, as I walk the dog I remind myself that God is walking; as I drink tea, I remind myself that God is drinking tea; as I shower, I remind myself that god is showering. As I do this, I hope and fervently pray that this is the correct attitude and that I will eventually realize it to be true.

Meanwhile and for pleasure, I am also reading Peter O. Erbe's God I Am.The text has a flavour or channelled matterial. This has something to do with the tone of the work and the way ideas are expressed. I admit to being totally intrigued, thus far, by the information as it seems to support many teachers I have followed and explains some of the more abstract concepts, in a useful manner. I am still very near the beginning of the book as I find it a slow read, often having to reread passages several times in order to get the gist. Sometimes, I give up and move on and hope to "get" the missed information sometime down the line when I have the correct background to interpret what is being said.

In yesterday's reading, Erbe began to touch on fear and how it becomes a pattern within our being. I am hoping that more information will be given further in the book that will help me untangle the incessant pain that this all-too-present emotion causes me. I am also enjoying Erbe's likening of the human soul to a drop of ocean water, doing its thing by evaporating into the sky and going through the experience of becoming rain and landing on earth and travelling back to the ocean where it once again unites and shares its experiences with the whole.

It would be wonderful to live life without fear, or at least have such a positive attitude towards fear that one can actually enjoy it. The only thing that helps me accept fear is the knowledge that if I don't have a physical body, I probably won't have to experience it any more. And this causes me to wonder if I will miss fear. But I expect that if I take the experience into the great "ocean" I won't miss it because I will know it for what it is.

Namaste