I am waiting for a cord of green maple to be delivered and while I do that, I am pondering an empty feeling that sometimes appears somewhere in my being. It is a vague feeling. Hard to describe it really. Of late, I have been noticing this feeling more and more. You know. It is the feeling that one seems to need to obliterate with activity or thinking. Or maybe I am the only human that has this feeling. I really can't say, except that I have learned that anything I think or feel is not exclusive to me. I may not know exactly how another person is exeriencing the same sensations, but I know that others are having them too.
Anyway, this empty feeling has always had the potential to show up in my life, but most of the time I am obsessed with covering it up or masking it and so never really notice it, and if it does begin to arise, I so quickly distract my Self from it that I have never before had a chance to become acquainted with it. My behaviour towards the empty feeling reminds me a little of a mother with an infant; at least how I was with my infants. I was so tuned in to them, that I knew when they were about to cry and quickly did whatever it took to avert the tears. My children rarely cried, except my daughter and that was because she was the first born and I took a few weeks to figure her out so that I could arrange things such that she didn't have an excuse to cry. I am the same with that empty feeling; so quick to respond that it doesn't get a chance to arise.
Now that I am aware that this empty feeling seems to be part of my existence, I am noticing it more frequently and allowing it to be while I experience it. I think that this empty feeling is one of the sensations that drives people to become addicted as an addiction could easily mask it and distract one from it. My reaction to it is very interesting. I am a little uncomfortable about it, but as I spend more time experiencing it, I am seeing how I have spent most of my life trying to exist without its presence.
I think the wood is here.
Namaste
Monday, April 25, 2011
Saturday, April 23, 2011
BUSY RATHER THAN SPIRITUAL DAY
It is a lovely day; the third in a row and the longest dry spell we have had since August 2010, although there may have been one in October; I can't remember. This morning, I was going to meditate; I really intended to. I meditate for a little while before I get out of bed, but I usually take care of my body's needs like ablutions, fluids, and food, before I launch into my spiritual studies and meditation. Today, after eating my granola with yoghurt and berries, I played a little Spider Solitaire on the computer. Then I took Sadie for a walk, made and ate a cucumber sandwich, drank a glass of water along with the remainder of my vitamins and minerals, washed the dishes, and put on my boots and went into the garden.
I had intended to mow the lawn as it needs doing again and I have no idea when it will next rain, so carpe diem and all that. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I have almost ceased planning and making plans and I know so well and from experience that if I go out to the garden to do one thing, I will likely end up doing something completely different. This was the case today. I found myself pulling out the tarps I use to cover firewood, and spreading them out to dry. I then took the last of the firewood -- one wheelbarrow's load -- from the upper woodstack site to beside one of my back doors (I have a cord of green maple due to arrive on Tuesday). This done, I did manage to pull out the push mower and give the grass a good shaving. Then for some reason as I stood staring at the fish pond which came with this home when I bought it, I found myself hauling at a large clump of bull rush. Needless to say, it was heavier than me and I couldn't simply pull it or roll it or anything else out of the pond. I ended up cutting it down to size with loppers and grass shears and frequently asking Source what I should do next and much of my activity was performed in a state of mindlessness. Finely with a steady mighty tug, I was able to get the thing out of the pond.
I then had quite a bit of cleaning up to do and there are still bits of dead bullrush floating around on the water. I know I should get those out too, but got a lot of it out and by this time I was tired and wanted a cup of rose congouo tea.
I am fastidious about my garden tools. Although many of them now look used, I try to put them away cleaned and dried and oiled (if they have moving parts) and I do this no matter how exhausted I am. I also had to get the pond pump up and running again and drop the two pots of water plants that came up with the huge mat of bullrush roots -- one of them is what's left of the bullrush -- back into the pond. This I did and I have to say that it is very pleasant that the dead bullrush stalks are no longer there. It was an eyesore but only because I knew that all that dead vegetable matter might decay into the pond and create an unhealthy environment for the lovely goldfish that came with the pond when I bought this home.
I always find my approach to tasks, interesting. As I wrote previously, these days I rarely plan and usually find my Self launching mindlesslessly into work. I might get more accomplished if I created a plan and stuck to it, but so often one sets out to do something only to find that it can't be done until something else is done. The simplest task seems to sit upon a foundation of larger tasks. For example and this is only an example as I keep my garden shed in order and my lawnmower is where I can easily grab it and pull it out: some people might want to mow the lawn, but can't because there is clutter blocking the mower. They start to deal with clutter only to find the shears that they lost a week ago. While the shears are in their hand anyway, the person might go and tackle the job they wanted to do a week ago but couldn't because the shears were missing. And so on ... I am sure this happens to most of us, even if we are organized. I can remember way back when I had three young children and I kept a lot of food in bulk in lidded buckets in the basement. It seemed that every time I wanted to bake a cake, I had to go to the basement and bring up the flour bin (truthfully and for a long time I ground my own flour with a stone burr mill), fill up the smaller kitchen bin, then take the flour bin back down to the basement. All so that I could make cake. My point is that simple tasks are rarely simple and straightforward. And plans fail too often. But feeling internal pressure to tackle a job and acting upon it as one is inspired works well for me, almost every time.
Technically and if one is truly spiritually awake, one probably wouldn't care that last year's bullrush stalks might decay into the pond and create an unhealthy environment for the fish. But I don't know that one who is spiritually awake and has been given a goldfish pond to tend would leave it to nature to run the show although nature can probably do a pretty good job of running the show, even in a small pond like I've got. Having said this, sometimes if nature is left to its own devices, it behaves inappropriately. It was inappropriate for the bullrush to spread so wide in such a small space. And I have heard horror stories of decaying matter poisoning fish. I think that being spiritually awake doesn't preclude activity and that a spiritually awake custodian of a fish pond would suddenly get the urge to clean out the pond, just as I did, and would act upon that urge. And I am not certain that I had anything in the way of negative or positive emotions invested in the state of my pond. Okay, well to be honest, every time I saw it I felt twinges that I should take responsibility for it. And I really don't know if those twinges arose from the little me or from Source. I really do wonder. And I think Adyashanti would ask "what or who really cleaned out the fish pond?"
Despite the fact that I laboured in the garden instead of doing my spiritual studies and meditation, I feel very good right now. I don't know whether this is because the activity released chemicals (neurotransmitters?) into my body that cause me to feel this way, or that I am relieved to have done something useful, or that while I was labouring to pull out the bullrush and mow the lawn, I was actually in a somewhat meditative state.
Namaste
I had intended to mow the lawn as it needs doing again and I have no idea when it will next rain, so carpe diem and all that. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I have almost ceased planning and making plans and I know so well and from experience that if I go out to the garden to do one thing, I will likely end up doing something completely different. This was the case today. I found myself pulling out the tarps I use to cover firewood, and spreading them out to dry. I then took the last of the firewood -- one wheelbarrow's load -- from the upper woodstack site to beside one of my back doors (I have a cord of green maple due to arrive on Tuesday). This done, I did manage to pull out the push mower and give the grass a good shaving. Then for some reason as I stood staring at the fish pond which came with this home when I bought it, I found myself hauling at a large clump of bull rush. Needless to say, it was heavier than me and I couldn't simply pull it or roll it or anything else out of the pond. I ended up cutting it down to size with loppers and grass shears and frequently asking Source what I should do next and much of my activity was performed in a state of mindlessness. Finely with a steady mighty tug, I was able to get the thing out of the pond.
I then had quite a bit of cleaning up to do and there are still bits of dead bullrush floating around on the water. I know I should get those out too, but got a lot of it out and by this time I was tired and wanted a cup of rose congouo tea.
I am fastidious about my garden tools. Although many of them now look used, I try to put them away cleaned and dried and oiled (if they have moving parts) and I do this no matter how exhausted I am. I also had to get the pond pump up and running again and drop the two pots of water plants that came up with the huge mat of bullrush roots -- one of them is what's left of the bullrush -- back into the pond. This I did and I have to say that it is very pleasant that the dead bullrush stalks are no longer there. It was an eyesore but only because I knew that all that dead vegetable matter might decay into the pond and create an unhealthy environment for the lovely goldfish that came with the pond when I bought this home.
I always find my approach to tasks, interesting. As I wrote previously, these days I rarely plan and usually find my Self launching mindlesslessly into work. I might get more accomplished if I created a plan and stuck to it, but so often one sets out to do something only to find that it can't be done until something else is done. The simplest task seems to sit upon a foundation of larger tasks. For example and this is only an example as I keep my garden shed in order and my lawnmower is where I can easily grab it and pull it out: some people might want to mow the lawn, but can't because there is clutter blocking the mower. They start to deal with clutter only to find the shears that they lost a week ago. While the shears are in their hand anyway, the person might go and tackle the job they wanted to do a week ago but couldn't because the shears were missing. And so on ... I am sure this happens to most of us, even if we are organized. I can remember way back when I had three young children and I kept a lot of food in bulk in lidded buckets in the basement. It seemed that every time I wanted to bake a cake, I had to go to the basement and bring up the flour bin (truthfully and for a long time I ground my own flour with a stone burr mill), fill up the smaller kitchen bin, then take the flour bin back down to the basement. All so that I could make cake. My point is that simple tasks are rarely simple and straightforward. And plans fail too often. But feeling internal pressure to tackle a job and acting upon it as one is inspired works well for me, almost every time.
Technically and if one is truly spiritually awake, one probably wouldn't care that last year's bullrush stalks might decay into the pond and create an unhealthy environment for the fish. But I don't know that one who is spiritually awake and has been given a goldfish pond to tend would leave it to nature to run the show although nature can probably do a pretty good job of running the show, even in a small pond like I've got. Having said this, sometimes if nature is left to its own devices, it behaves inappropriately. It was inappropriate for the bullrush to spread so wide in such a small space. And I have heard horror stories of decaying matter poisoning fish. I think that being spiritually awake doesn't preclude activity and that a spiritually awake custodian of a fish pond would suddenly get the urge to clean out the pond, just as I did, and would act upon that urge. And I am not certain that I had anything in the way of negative or positive emotions invested in the state of my pond. Okay, well to be honest, every time I saw it I felt twinges that I should take responsibility for it. And I really don't know if those twinges arose from the little me or from Source. I really do wonder. And I think Adyashanti would ask "what or who really cleaned out the fish pond?"
Despite the fact that I laboured in the garden instead of doing my spiritual studies and meditation, I feel very good right now. I don't know whether this is because the activity released chemicals (neurotransmitters?) into my body that cause me to feel this way, or that I am relieved to have done something useful, or that while I was labouring to pull out the bullrush and mow the lawn, I was actually in a somewhat meditative state.
Namaste
Thursday, April 21, 2011
RELOCATION PUZZLE
I don't remember whether I have mentioned this yet, but lately, I have been playing around with the concept of movement. By movement, I mean moving from one place to another, whether it be Shanks pony or automobile or another mode of relocating one's Self from one place to a different place. What I am finding puzzling is that although the scenery may change, I don't feel that I am moving at all and I cannot prove it. I can be walking along the road or driving at 90 K up the highway to Duncan, and the scenery is changing, and despite this, I have the sense that I remain in the same spot the entire time. It is most odd.
Namaste
Namaste
IDLE RAMBLING
As I led Sadie up the big hill, I berated myself for becoming so idle after the last four decades of my life which have been spent looking and behaving like a workaholic. Even after I graduated from college and moved to Cowichan Bay, I spent a very busy summer making my new friendly darling home and property more useful to me. I also tended to my mother several days a week and gave lodging to my daughter while she did nursing school. I feel as if I have been idle since October 2009. I thought of a book entitled "No Idle Hands," and I tried to remember the dictum about idleness being the work of the devil. I felt somewhat ill at ease as I contemplated this, then wondered why that should be.
Why had I "bought" into the idea that being idle is a waste of time? After all, Sadie, Shanti, and Laksmi sleep for much of the day and night and they don't seem to think that their lives are meaningless or worthless for it. I realize that I have some work to do here, maybe. I am still confused about the business of processing bothersome troublesome "stuff" and am not convinced that processing it is what needs to happen, and I certainly have not found a method that guarantees results and freedom from these burdons that we have innocently cultivated. As for idleness, I am never truly idle. What I should write is that I am enjoying life, but I am not doing what my parents would term, anything constructive or productive. I am certainly not bettering anybody else's life as far as I can see, although my mother would say otherwise.
I admit that I even enjoy my idle time which is quite an accomplishment as I had to learn to allow my Self to derive pleasure from fun activities and even allow my Self to participate in enjoyable activities. When I was married, I was terrified my ex would catch me doing something that he didn't approve of. As it so happened, I kept my Self busy with housework and mothering and rarely had time for me. I worked from 0600h until 2100 or 2200h most days of the week including weekends. Every six weeks or so I burned out and was unpleasant to be around for a couple of days and then I would "get it together" again and continue on. If I had strong urges to do something that I wanted to do, I usually managed to overcome them or ignore them.
When I saw the Johnny Depp dramatization of "Don Juan DeMarco
," I was amazed when Faye Dunaway told Marlon Brando what she was going to enjoy about retirement (I think that was it, although I might be inaccurate here and have interpreted what I wanted to interpret from the film, and not what really was said) and was surprised that she had any idea what she wanted. I was amazed because I had for so long neglected my Self and my interests that I didn't have them any more. I knew that if I were in Dunaway's shoes, I would meet retirement with confusion and "what do I do now, because I certainly don't know how to enjoy life? Truthfully, I think that part of this was that I didn't know how to let my Self enjoy life. To be fair and honest, throughout my marriage I had passions for gardening, knitting, spinning, weaving, writing, and my animal friends. I learned to enjoy my children's activities, even baseball. But everything I did was based on how convenient it was with regards to everybody else's needs and schedules, mine being the least important as far as I was concerned and as indicated by my husband on the two occasions when I got distracted by a fibre art project and the garden, and the fire in the wood cooker went out, and supper was an hour late.
Somewhere between 1999 and 2004, probably around 2003, I signed up for an On-line course on stress and burnout and learned that I needed to put variety into my life to prevent it. I did this: I began to play Spider Solitaire on the computer. Then I learned about Bejeweled. It was like exposing a dry sponge to water. I couldn't get enough. And lo and behold, although I was now playing games for five hours a day, I was taking care of all my duties and was happier for it. That was quite a lesson. I think the games energized me and I was more efficient and got through the work faster. My ex was away a lot, visiting astrophysical observatories and associated technology departments in France, Florida, and Victoria and I was able to relax and not fear his sudden arrival. I also took up Tie-Dying, soap-making and candle-making, and had a lovely time with that. The soap I could justify as we used it and my sons' and my skin do not like commercial soap.
So there I was: I had learned to play, but I used it as a reward and something to do between the hectic pace of all my chores. And here I am, with plenty of idle time and so uncomfortable about it -- this is when the mind turns on and suggests that something is wrong with this picture and life shouldn't be this way.
I find this very interesting: when I finish a project, and I particularly noticed this when I created something major like a woven blanket or knitted sweater or a gardening article for the Denman Island news sheet, I am so divorced from it that it is as if I had nothing to do with it. In other words, I might spend three days in an intense intimate relationship with a piece of cloth that I am designing and weaving and the moment it is finished, I feel completely separate and apart from it and it is as if I had nothing to do with its creation. I am noticing that this is also the case with just about everything I do. This means that although I think that I am idle much of the time, it is because I have forgotten about all the busyness that I have been involved with. I spend an afternoon serving my mother, then come home and become emotionally and mentally separated from this work for her so forget to acknowledge that I have done it. I then notice that I am idle, but I forget that I have also been busy and performed selfless tasks for my mother or others.
Recently, I was listening to a news item about a person who was out in the world doing great and wonderful things and I began to chastise my Self for having not been of service in the world. This went on for quite a while after the news item before I remembered that I had spent six weeks in Kathmandu teaching young Nepali men how to paint and frame windows, and cleaning and decorating a filthy little day care centre which turned out so beautifully that it is now used as a local community centre for adults as well as a day care. I then have to remind my Self of the many children who didn't have stay-at-home parents so came to my home and who I fed and kept overnight and drove to soccer, tennis, basketball, baseball, or paddling. I forget that I learned to keep score for Little League because I was available for games and other mothers were out working. It completely slipped my mind that I volunteered with girl guides, went into my childrens' schools to assist secretaries with leaflets and newsletters, and taught many people to knit and spin. Why do I forget these things and think that I have no right to be idle?
Namaste
Why had I "bought" into the idea that being idle is a waste of time? After all, Sadie, Shanti, and Laksmi sleep for much of the day and night and they don't seem to think that their lives are meaningless or worthless for it. I realize that I have some work to do here, maybe. I am still confused about the business of processing bothersome troublesome "stuff" and am not convinced that processing it is what needs to happen, and I certainly have not found a method that guarantees results and freedom from these burdons that we have innocently cultivated. As for idleness, I am never truly idle. What I should write is that I am enjoying life, but I am not doing what my parents would term, anything constructive or productive. I am certainly not bettering anybody else's life as far as I can see, although my mother would say otherwise.
I admit that I even enjoy my idle time which is quite an accomplishment as I had to learn to allow my Self to derive pleasure from fun activities and even allow my Self to participate in enjoyable activities. When I was married, I was terrified my ex would catch me doing something that he didn't approve of. As it so happened, I kept my Self busy with housework and mothering and rarely had time for me. I worked from 0600h until 2100 or 2200h most days of the week including weekends. Every six weeks or so I burned out and was unpleasant to be around for a couple of days and then I would "get it together" again and continue on. If I had strong urges to do something that I wanted to do, I usually managed to overcome them or ignore them.
When I saw the Johnny Depp dramatization of "Don Juan DeMarco
," I was amazed when Faye Dunaway told Marlon Brando what she was going to enjoy about retirement (I think that was it, although I might be inaccurate here and have interpreted what I wanted to interpret from the film, and not what really was said) and was surprised that she had any idea what she wanted. I was amazed because I had for so long neglected my Self and my interests that I didn't have them any more. I knew that if I were in Dunaway's shoes, I would meet retirement with confusion and "what do I do now, because I certainly don't know how to enjoy life? Truthfully, I think that part of this was that I didn't know how to let my Self enjoy life. To be fair and honest, throughout my marriage I had passions for gardening, knitting, spinning, weaving, writing, and my animal friends. I learned to enjoy my children's activities, even baseball. But everything I did was based on how convenient it was with regards to everybody else's needs and schedules, mine being the least important as far as I was concerned and as indicated by my husband on the two occasions when I got distracted by a fibre art project and the garden, and the fire in the wood cooker went out, and supper was an hour late.Somewhere between 1999 and 2004, probably around 2003, I signed up for an On-line course on stress and burnout and learned that I needed to put variety into my life to prevent it. I did this: I began to play Spider Solitaire on the computer. Then I learned about Bejeweled. It was like exposing a dry sponge to water. I couldn't get enough. And lo and behold, although I was now playing games for five hours a day, I was taking care of all my duties and was happier for it. That was quite a lesson. I think the games energized me and I was more efficient and got through the work faster. My ex was away a lot, visiting astrophysical observatories and associated technology departments in France, Florida, and Victoria and I was able to relax and not fear his sudden arrival. I also took up Tie-Dying, soap-making and candle-making, and had a lovely time with that. The soap I could justify as we used it and my sons' and my skin do not like commercial soap.
So there I was: I had learned to play, but I used it as a reward and something to do between the hectic pace of all my chores. And here I am, with plenty of idle time and so uncomfortable about it -- this is when the mind turns on and suggests that something is wrong with this picture and life shouldn't be this way.
I find this very interesting: when I finish a project, and I particularly noticed this when I created something major like a woven blanket or knitted sweater or a gardening article for the Denman Island news sheet, I am so divorced from it that it is as if I had nothing to do with it. In other words, I might spend three days in an intense intimate relationship with a piece of cloth that I am designing and weaving and the moment it is finished, I feel completely separate and apart from it and it is as if I had nothing to do with its creation. I am noticing that this is also the case with just about everything I do. This means that although I think that I am idle much of the time, it is because I have forgotten about all the busyness that I have been involved with. I spend an afternoon serving my mother, then come home and become emotionally and mentally separated from this work for her so forget to acknowledge that I have done it. I then notice that I am idle, but I forget that I have also been busy and performed selfless tasks for my mother or others.
Recently, I was listening to a news item about a person who was out in the world doing great and wonderful things and I began to chastise my Self for having not been of service in the world. This went on for quite a while after the news item before I remembered that I had spent six weeks in Kathmandu teaching young Nepali men how to paint and frame windows, and cleaning and decorating a filthy little day care centre which turned out so beautifully that it is now used as a local community centre for adults as well as a day care. I then have to remind my Self of the many children who didn't have stay-at-home parents so came to my home and who I fed and kept overnight and drove to soccer, tennis, basketball, baseball, or paddling. I forget that I learned to keep score for Little League because I was available for games and other mothers were out working. It completely slipped my mind that I volunteered with girl guides, went into my childrens' schools to assist secretaries with leaflets and newsletters, and taught many people to knit and spin. Why do I forget these things and think that I have no right to be idle?
Namaste
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
MONITORING AN ALLERGY
On Sunday, I noticed that the skin around my left eye was itchy and that both eyes were tearing more than usual. I spread some Dream Cream on my face (this is an awesome product, made on Salt Spring Island) and this seemed to ease the discomfort after initially causing stinging in the area around my eye. Because I am allergic to cottonwood pollen, I have been taking Aerius since early March in preparation for this time: I have been told that one needs a build up of antihistimine in the system for it to work well. On Monday morning when I woke up, I realized that my left eye was so puffy that I was unable to open it. I decided to accept the situation and have a quiet day at home, staying in the house and away from the cottonwood pollen except to walk Sadie.
Usually when this allergy comes upon me, or any sickness for that matter, I go into battle against it. I research the Internet for ideas that might help and I try much of the advice received from friends and family. Recovering becomes a very hectic time. I am not certain if my efforts speed up the process or not. It is possible that if I allowed the problem to run its course, it would be over just as quickly. This time, as I accepted the situation, I found myself at peace with it. This is quite different from the frantic wars I have waged in the past. I feel uncomfortable if I think about my face, and I must say that I will always use whatever is available to make my body feel comfortable whether it be Tylenol, herbal teas, vitamins, minerals, heat, cold, homeopathic remedies and Schlussa salts, Reiki, or massage.
I am undecided as to whether making the body feel comfortable is a form of waging war on it or not. This time around, I continue to apply Dream Cream to reduce the prickly feeling in my facial skin and I continue with the Aerius which I presently take five times in twenty-four hours, and I have increased my intake of Vitamin C and calcium. At no point do I feel I am waging war. Rather, I seem to have a somewhat matter-of-fact approach to the treatments and there is a sense of love for the body as I minister to it.
This morning, Tuesday, as I stood in the shower -- showering frequently when there are allergens in the air is supposed to help and I will sometimes shower twice a day when my body is reacting this badly -- I tenderly offered the left side of my face to the stream of warm water and bathed the cheek and eye for three minutes. I can now open my left eye and the swelling seems to have reduced enough that my glasses no longer sit at a rakish angle and I can see with my left eye over the shrinking mound of a left cheek. Today, I even have the energy -- energy sometimes becomes diverted to fight for a sick body leaving me feeling tired -- to sweep floors, launder all Sadie's mats and towels, and who knows what else I will take on. As I mentioned in a previous post, I am planning less and less and doing more and more as spirit moves me, a system which remains very efficient and doesn't tax me.
I am finding it interesting to go through something as uncomfortable as this allergy can be, in such a relaxed and accepting state. I have never felt so at peace with a sickened body as I have been throughout this cottonwood episode. It helps that I am not sharing my situation with others as others always want to fix me and that sometimes causes me to feel worry or that I am not doing enough or that I have failed or will fail somehow. I had to mention it to my mother as she wants me to drive her to her hairdresser and I had to let her know that she would be well advised to line up another driver in case I can't open my left eye. She is at an age where she can't remember me ever having suffered from a cottonwood allergy, even though she was very involved with it last year. I was able to tell her that I had accepted the allergic reaction and was allowing it to run its course and my mother more or less left the subject alone after that and there was none of that business where two people worry a problem to death.
Namaste
Usually when this allergy comes upon me, or any sickness for that matter, I go into battle against it. I research the Internet for ideas that might help and I try much of the advice received from friends and family. Recovering becomes a very hectic time. I am not certain if my efforts speed up the process or not. It is possible that if I allowed the problem to run its course, it would be over just as quickly. This time, as I accepted the situation, I found myself at peace with it. This is quite different from the frantic wars I have waged in the past. I feel uncomfortable if I think about my face, and I must say that I will always use whatever is available to make my body feel comfortable whether it be Tylenol, herbal teas, vitamins, minerals, heat, cold, homeopathic remedies and Schlussa salts, Reiki, or massage.
I am undecided as to whether making the body feel comfortable is a form of waging war on it or not. This time around, I continue to apply Dream Cream to reduce the prickly feeling in my facial skin and I continue with the Aerius which I presently take five times in twenty-four hours, and I have increased my intake of Vitamin C and calcium. At no point do I feel I am waging war. Rather, I seem to have a somewhat matter-of-fact approach to the treatments and there is a sense of love for the body as I minister to it.
This morning, Tuesday, as I stood in the shower -- showering frequently when there are allergens in the air is supposed to help and I will sometimes shower twice a day when my body is reacting this badly -- I tenderly offered the left side of my face to the stream of warm water and bathed the cheek and eye for three minutes. I can now open my left eye and the swelling seems to have reduced enough that my glasses no longer sit at a rakish angle and I can see with my left eye over the shrinking mound of a left cheek. Today, I even have the energy -- energy sometimes becomes diverted to fight for a sick body leaving me feeling tired -- to sweep floors, launder all Sadie's mats and towels, and who knows what else I will take on. As I mentioned in a previous post, I am planning less and less and doing more and more as spirit moves me, a system which remains very efficient and doesn't tax me.
I am finding it interesting to go through something as uncomfortable as this allergy can be, in such a relaxed and accepting state. I have never felt so at peace with a sickened body as I have been throughout this cottonwood episode. It helps that I am not sharing my situation with others as others always want to fix me and that sometimes causes me to feel worry or that I am not doing enough or that I have failed or will fail somehow. I had to mention it to my mother as she wants me to drive her to her hairdresser and I had to let her know that she would be well advised to line up another driver in case I can't open my left eye. She is at an age where she can't remember me ever having suffered from a cottonwood allergy, even though she was very involved with it last year. I was able to tell her that I had accepted the allergic reaction and was allowing it to run its course and my mother more or less left the subject alone after that and there was none of that business where two people worry a problem to death.
Namaste
Saturday, April 16, 2011
CURVE BALLS
I find it interesting that my focus has switched from plans and planning to being flexible and grabbing at opportunities and taking direction as it comes my way. Yesterday and today, I was summoned on short notice, by my mother: yesterday it was because she had fallen and wanted me to go and help her get up, and today was because she thought it was Sunday so had stripped the sheets off her bed and wanted me to go and make it up with fresh sheets. Both times she telephoned, I felt no reaction. I didn't feel flustered or inconvenienced or anxious or annoyed. I simply changed the course I was presently on. Yesterday when she called, I was drinking tea and thinking that it would be nice to do some knitting; and today I had just come in from a morning of unusual shopping -- unusual because I had to buy items from specialty stores that aren't on my usual route in Duncan, so I have to go out of my way a little which costs me in minutes and hours so put off those purchases until I cannot put them off any longer -- and was about to make myself some lunch when she summoned me again. Before responding to the call out, I did eat an apple and some cheese as my body, despite having had granola, yogurt, and fruit in the morning was asking for nurishment. And then off we went, back into town, this time to do for my mother what I should be doing tomorrow.
Despite having had a hectic busy active morning, I was also surprised at how fresh and energetic my body was feeling and it didn't drag or slow down, but was quite happy to give Sadie a second walk so that her bladder was good and empty for the visit with my mum, and then do my mother's house work.
Adyashanti talks about an increase in energy as being part of the awakening process. I have certainly had long periods of sleepless restless nights and oftentimes, I can spend ten hours in bed and only get three to five hours of sleep. I usually wake up knowing I have slept well, but rarely excited enough about life that I want to leap out of bed and tackle the day. I often lie there for quite a bit, listening to spiritual tapes, and sometimes even doing a bit of meditating which really involves contemplating what I really am and trying to experience that aspect of my Self. Anyway and my point is that I am wondering if today was a sign of an increase in energy level in my future life. I have always had low energy and sometimes my body has felt exhausted for long periods of time; in other words, day after day after day, into weeks, into months, until I can't remember what it is like to work with a body that feels vital.
I also am noting with interest how seemlessly I seem to shift into what Source is calling me to do. It wasn't very long ago that had I had a call from my mother asking me to come and make her bed, I would have felt quite shirty about having to put off doing something I had planned to do, even was looking forward to doing, and quite inconvenienced.
I really am planning less and less and without a plan, there is nothing to shatter and, therefore, one cannot become disappointed. Come to think of it, many times of late I have started to plan an activity only to tell my Self that we will see what happens when the time comes. Although not planning would appear to give one an excuse to never do anything, I am finding that to not be the case. I have learned to act upon something when I feel prompted. The other day, I came home from walking Sadie and I don't know how or why, but without much thought, I pulled out the lawn mower and cut the grass. It was timely too as it rained shortly after I finished the mowing and continued to rain for the next forty-eight hours. I am finding that a lot of tasks are being dealt with in the same manner. I suddenly find my Self launched at the job and then it is done and out of the way. There is no brooding or worrying about the prospect of a task which is what can happen when there is a plan. And now I am thinking, "The best-laid schemes o' mice an' men Gang aft agley." So in some ways, one can't win well with plans.
I understand that from the human perspective, it is sometimes necessary to make plans. For example, I booked my Yaris in for its six-month maintenance visit so on a particular Thursday, I plan to show up at the dealer with my car. However, making that booking also just sort of happened. I had it in mind to do it and the reminder sat on the kitchen island for a few days and one afternoon, it just happened and suddenly I had an appointment. No fuss or bother. Easy as pie.
So I continue to muse why it is that I have become so relaxed when life throws curve balls at me. If I were suddenly diagnosed with cancer or given a tremendous challenge to tackle, I might feel nonplussed. But the little things really are become little things.
Namaste
Despite having had a hectic busy active morning, I was also surprised at how fresh and energetic my body was feeling and it didn't drag or slow down, but was quite happy to give Sadie a second walk so that her bladder was good and empty for the visit with my mum, and then do my mother's house work.
Adyashanti talks about an increase in energy as being part of the awakening process. I have certainly had long periods of sleepless restless nights and oftentimes, I can spend ten hours in bed and only get three to five hours of sleep. I usually wake up knowing I have slept well, but rarely excited enough about life that I want to leap out of bed and tackle the day. I often lie there for quite a bit, listening to spiritual tapes, and sometimes even doing a bit of meditating which really involves contemplating what I really am and trying to experience that aspect of my Self. Anyway and my point is that I am wondering if today was a sign of an increase in energy level in my future life. I have always had low energy and sometimes my body has felt exhausted for long periods of time; in other words, day after day after day, into weeks, into months, until I can't remember what it is like to work with a body that feels vital.
I also am noting with interest how seemlessly I seem to shift into what Source is calling me to do. It wasn't very long ago that had I had a call from my mother asking me to come and make her bed, I would have felt quite shirty about having to put off doing something I had planned to do, even was looking forward to doing, and quite inconvenienced.
I really am planning less and less and without a plan, there is nothing to shatter and, therefore, one cannot become disappointed. Come to think of it, many times of late I have started to plan an activity only to tell my Self that we will see what happens when the time comes. Although not planning would appear to give one an excuse to never do anything, I am finding that to not be the case. I have learned to act upon something when I feel prompted. The other day, I came home from walking Sadie and I don't know how or why, but without much thought, I pulled out the lawn mower and cut the grass. It was timely too as it rained shortly after I finished the mowing and continued to rain for the next forty-eight hours. I am finding that a lot of tasks are being dealt with in the same manner. I suddenly find my Self launched at the job and then it is done and out of the way. There is no brooding or worrying about the prospect of a task which is what can happen when there is a plan. And now I am thinking, "The best-laid schemes o' mice an' men Gang aft agley." So in some ways, one can't win well with plans.
I understand that from the human perspective, it is sometimes necessary to make plans. For example, I booked my Yaris in for its six-month maintenance visit so on a particular Thursday, I plan to show up at the dealer with my car. However, making that booking also just sort of happened. I had it in mind to do it and the reminder sat on the kitchen island for a few days and one afternoon, it just happened and suddenly I had an appointment. No fuss or bother. Easy as pie.
So I continue to muse why it is that I have become so relaxed when life throws curve balls at me. If I were suddenly diagnosed with cancer or given a tremendous challenge to tackle, I might feel nonplussed. But the little things really are become little things.
Namaste
Thursday, April 14, 2011
LONELINESS
Krishnamurti says, "There's no escape from loneliness: it is a fact and escape from facts breeds confusion and sorrow." I am not yet certain whether he is referring to loneliness he is feeling while staying in Italy, or if he means loneliness in general. I think the two are the same for whether loneliness occurs while staying in Italy or shopping in a busy Canadian mall, it is the same feeling and arises out of a sense of separation from Infinite Mystery. I don't feel lonely very often, but when I do, I tend to resist it which of course makes it worse and is what Krishnamurti implies when he mentions what happens when one tries to escape from facts. As soon as I realize that I am resisting it, I will attempt to make friends with it and observe the feeling of emptiness. An aside: as I typed that previous sentence, I could almost here Adyashanti making some comment about emptiness being a normal part of truth.
Contemplating loneliness raises questions for me. Why can one be going merrily along through life when loneliness suddenly rises up out of one's depths? What brings about a sudden sence of separation from Source? It is probably some mental activity: a wish for something else maybe, that happens so quickly in the mind, the thought not even being completed, and the gut reacts with the separation of loneliness. But from what Krishnamurti is saying in the quote above, and in unquoted passages from before and after this quote, loneliness may be an intrinsic part of human existence and it just is. I will have to ponder this further or wait until I am more advanced spiritually before I can understand loneliness better.
Meanwhile, yesterday I did another search for Adyashanti groups in the hope of finding one that is fairly close to me and I am in luck. There is one in Chemainus that meets one Sunday a month. I fired off an email to the person in charge and hope she will invite me to join. Well, actually and honestly, I have no emotional attachment to whether I am invited to join the group. This may seem a little odd, that one would reach out to a group even though one doesn't care what the response will be. I don't know why this is so.
Krishnamurti also suggested that joining groups and controlling people and all the other games that egos play with each other are attempts to avoid loneliness. Interesting and I see his point even though my desire to join an Adyashanti group is driven by a desire for informed answers to questions I don't yet seem able to answer by my Self:
"To commit oneself to some organization, to some belief or action is to be possessed by them, negatively; and positively is to possess. The negative and positive possessiveness is doing good, changing the world and the so-called love. To control another, to shape another in the name of love is the urge to possess; the urge to find security, safety in another and the comfort. Self-forgetfulness through another, through some activity makes for attachment. From this attachment, there's sorrow and despair and from this there is the reaction, to be detached. And from this contradiction of attachment and detachment arises conflict and frustration."
I interpret the above quote from Krishnamurti's Notebook
as examples of how humans combat loneliness. It reminds me of my mother who deals with this feeling of separation from source by being needy. The more needy she is, the less family and friends want to be around her. Thus, her neediness is counterproductive to what she is attempting to achieve.
I just learned that my college classmate who is of a similar age as me and either has or was about to celebrate his fifty-sixth birthday, and who teamed with me to fix up a filthy little daycare for toddlers in Kathmandu, died of cancer on Monday. I find it curious that I did not know he had cancer and in the last couple of months, I have been thinking about him more than usual and last week as we drove by the hospital where he died, I was wondering if he was close by, maybe in another vehicle. I also wonder when he learned he had cancer and if I intuited that and if my bout of recent twelve-hour depression was some psychic information about him that I unknowingly drew from Universe, but couldn't interpret. This brings me back to the subject of loneliness and whether or not one sometimes is picking up on feelings of loneliness in others and thinking it is one's own loneliness that is afflicting one. I think we pick up on "vibes" of others more than we know.
Namaste
Contemplating loneliness raises questions for me. Why can one be going merrily along through life when loneliness suddenly rises up out of one's depths? What brings about a sudden sence of separation from Source? It is probably some mental activity: a wish for something else maybe, that happens so quickly in the mind, the thought not even being completed, and the gut reacts with the separation of loneliness. But from what Krishnamurti is saying in the quote above, and in unquoted passages from before and after this quote, loneliness may be an intrinsic part of human existence and it just is. I will have to ponder this further or wait until I am more advanced spiritually before I can understand loneliness better.
Meanwhile, yesterday I did another search for Adyashanti groups in the hope of finding one that is fairly close to me and I am in luck. There is one in Chemainus that meets one Sunday a month. I fired off an email to the person in charge and hope she will invite me to join. Well, actually and honestly, I have no emotional attachment to whether I am invited to join the group. This may seem a little odd, that one would reach out to a group even though one doesn't care what the response will be. I don't know why this is so.
Krishnamurti also suggested that joining groups and controlling people and all the other games that egos play with each other are attempts to avoid loneliness. Interesting and I see his point even though my desire to join an Adyashanti group is driven by a desire for informed answers to questions I don't yet seem able to answer by my Self:
"To commit oneself to some organization, to some belief or action is to be possessed by them, negatively; and positively is to possess. The negative and positive possessiveness is doing good, changing the world and the so-called love. To control another, to shape another in the name of love is the urge to possess; the urge to find security, safety in another and the comfort. Self-forgetfulness through another, through some activity makes for attachment. From this attachment, there's sorrow and despair and from this there is the reaction, to be detached. And from this contradiction of attachment and detachment arises conflict and frustration."
I interpret the above quote from Krishnamurti's Notebook
as examples of how humans combat loneliness. It reminds me of my mother who deals with this feeling of separation from source by being needy. The more needy she is, the less family and friends want to be around her. Thus, her neediness is counterproductive to what she is attempting to achieve.I just learned that my college classmate who is of a similar age as me and either has or was about to celebrate his fifty-sixth birthday, and who teamed with me to fix up a filthy little daycare for toddlers in Kathmandu, died of cancer on Monday. I find it curious that I did not know he had cancer and in the last couple of months, I have been thinking about him more than usual and last week as we drove by the hospital where he died, I was wondering if he was close by, maybe in another vehicle. I also wonder when he learned he had cancer and if I intuited that and if my bout of recent twelve-hour depression was some psychic information about him that I unknowingly drew from Universe, but couldn't interpret. This brings me back to the subject of loneliness and whether or not one sometimes is picking up on feelings of loneliness in others and thinking it is one's own loneliness that is afflicting one. I think we pick up on "vibes" of others more than we know.
Namaste
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Krishnamurti
While I was doing the weekly chores for my mum, I paused to browse her bookshelves in search of her four-of-five volume set of Mme Blavatsky's Secret Doctorine
. Unfortunatley, I was unable to find it, but I did find Krishnamurti's Notebook. Apparently, this publication was created out of Krishnamurti's spiritual journal which he kept for some months. As I read it, I realize that it is a little like me blogging, only Krishnamurti had far more insights and interesting spiritual experiences to report than I seem to have. Well, he is/was very well known and for good reason and I am a nobody which is how I like it: unless I get called to be otherwise, which I think would be satisfying. But that is likely the little me that thinks that: the true Self wouldn't care, and I do know that from the few occasions I have had it come forward and run my life for several hours.
I had stopped my meditation practice for about ten days, and have decided to resume it. While I say I stopped it, I never go a day without finding many moments throughout to contemplate, and most of the time, my mind is focused on spiritual matters. When I say I meditate, what I really do is try and suss out my true Self and attempt to be It while I am doing whatever it is I am doing. I still find it easier to have a still mind during the evening. And for the most part, during the evening the mind seems to still itself without me doing anything to quieten it. I will be relaxing and suddenly realize that I am at peace and my mind hasn't yammered for a while. I then bask in this quiet which has come all over me, effortlessly.
Back to Krishnamurti's Notebook: I began reading a page or two per day in lieu of Goldsmith. As I have only been reading it for two days, I haven't gone very far with it. I decided to read it in small bites so that I only have a small amount of information to digest. As I am struggling with what I am supposed to do next, I really appreciated the following:
"To do something for its own sake seems quite difficult and almost undesirable. Social values are based on doing something for the sake of something else. This makes for barren existence, a life which is never complete, full. This is one of the reasons of disintegrating discontent.
To be satisfied is ugly but to be discontented breeds hatred. To be virtuous in order to gain heaven or the approval of the respectable, of society, makes of life a barren field which has been ploughed over and over again but has never been sown. This activity of doing something for the sake of something else is in essence an intricate series of escapes, escapes from oneself, from what is." (Krishnamurti. Krishnamurti's Notebook. 49th).
I am glad I typed this out here as I found my Self delving deeper into it. I was at Canadian Tire about ninety minutes ago and saw that they are looking for a sales person in the garden centre. I am tempted to apply, but at the moment, I would be doing it for the money and not for any other reason. Interestingly, a couple of days ago I received the intuitive word that it is time to bring out the spinning wheels and knitting needles and create a sleeveless sweater for next winter. I cannot describe how surprised I was at this as all passion for anything fibre died years ago. I have hung onto most of my equipment in case, and have used it here and there and have been knitting dish cloths every month or so.
I find it curious that my response to the suggestion that it is time to take up the fibre arts again, is skepticism. I am skeptical because I cannot decide if this idea to create comes from the Infinite Mystery, or the little me. According to Adyashanti, if one is busily rationalizing something, it is because it has arisen out of the little me. I have to admit, though, that the suggestion to create a sleeveless sweater popped into my head from nothingness and was not a byproduct of a brainstorming session or any other mental exercise designed to solve a problem. I felt pleasure at the thought and wonder if that too is a product of the little me, or if it is really the true Self responding favourably to the Infinite Mystery. Either way, making my Self a sleeveless sweater for next winter fits in far better with the philosophy laid out in Krishnamurti's passage than working at the garden centre of Canadian Tire, even though one wouldn't provide income, but the other one would.
Namaste
. Unfortunatley, I was unable to find it, but I did find Krishnamurti's Notebook. Apparently, this publication was created out of Krishnamurti's spiritual journal which he kept for some months. As I read it, I realize that it is a little like me blogging, only Krishnamurti had far more insights and interesting spiritual experiences to report than I seem to have. Well, he is/was very well known and for good reason and I am a nobody which is how I like it: unless I get called to be otherwise, which I think would be satisfying. But that is likely the little me that thinks that: the true Self wouldn't care, and I do know that from the few occasions I have had it come forward and run my life for several hours.I had stopped my meditation practice for about ten days, and have decided to resume it. While I say I stopped it, I never go a day without finding many moments throughout to contemplate, and most of the time, my mind is focused on spiritual matters. When I say I meditate, what I really do is try and suss out my true Self and attempt to be It while I am doing whatever it is I am doing. I still find it easier to have a still mind during the evening. And for the most part, during the evening the mind seems to still itself without me doing anything to quieten it. I will be relaxing and suddenly realize that I am at peace and my mind hasn't yammered for a while. I then bask in this quiet which has come all over me, effortlessly.
Back to Krishnamurti's Notebook: I began reading a page or two per day in lieu of Goldsmith. As I have only been reading it for two days, I haven't gone very far with it. I decided to read it in small bites so that I only have a small amount of information to digest. As I am struggling with what I am supposed to do next, I really appreciated the following:
"To do something for its own sake seems quite difficult and almost undesirable. Social values are based on doing something for the sake of something else. This makes for barren existence, a life which is never complete, full. This is one of the reasons of disintegrating discontent.
To be satisfied is ugly but to be discontented breeds hatred. To be virtuous in order to gain heaven or the approval of the respectable, of society, makes of life a barren field which has been ploughed over and over again but has never been sown. This activity of doing something for the sake of something else is in essence an intricate series of escapes, escapes from oneself, from what is." (Krishnamurti. Krishnamurti's Notebook. 49th).
I am glad I typed this out here as I found my Self delving deeper into it. I was at Canadian Tire about ninety minutes ago and saw that they are looking for a sales person in the garden centre. I am tempted to apply, but at the moment, I would be doing it for the money and not for any other reason. Interestingly, a couple of days ago I received the intuitive word that it is time to bring out the spinning wheels and knitting needles and create a sleeveless sweater for next winter. I cannot describe how surprised I was at this as all passion for anything fibre died years ago. I have hung onto most of my equipment in case, and have used it here and there and have been knitting dish cloths every month or so.
I find it curious that my response to the suggestion that it is time to take up the fibre arts again, is skepticism. I am skeptical because I cannot decide if this idea to create comes from the Infinite Mystery, or the little me. According to Adyashanti, if one is busily rationalizing something, it is because it has arisen out of the little me. I have to admit, though, that the suggestion to create a sleeveless sweater popped into my head from nothingness and was not a byproduct of a brainstorming session or any other mental exercise designed to solve a problem. I felt pleasure at the thought and wonder if that too is a product of the little me, or if it is really the true Self responding favourably to the Infinite Mystery. Either way, making my Self a sleeveless sweater for next winter fits in far better with the philosophy laid out in Krishnamurti's passage than working at the garden centre of Canadian Tire, even though one wouldn't provide income, but the other one would.
Namaste
Friday, April 08, 2011
UNIVERSE'S BENEVOLENCE
This morning, my son and his paramour boarded a bus bound for Vancouver where they will change to Greyhound and continue on to Kamloops. The Universe really wants them to be in Chetwynd at the moment and I am happy for them and know that if I were in their position, I would be relieved to at last be getting on with creating a future for my Self. On Wednesday, my son landed a job at the Chetwynd A&W and earlier, his paramour's father found a very used Dodge Caravan that they can afford thanks to a loan from my son's paternal grandmother, and which needs some fixing up, but as my son's paramour's father is a mechanic and works at an auto supply store, he can help them with that. On the last day of March, as despair coated their moods at the lack of suitable rental accommodation, they received a telephone call and notice that a two-bedroom unit was just coming available so they grabbed it. Now I am feeling a little sorry for my Self as I adjust to living alone again.
This process that my son and his paramour are going through, has been a great lesson for me. I had for a while, the feeling that my son and his paramour expected me to do whatever was necessary -- in other words come up with enough money -- to make the move to Chetwynd possible. As I realized that this couldn't happen, I fretted and felt guilty and confused. I kept telling my Self that if Universe wanted them to move to Chetwynd, it would find a way to get them there and it wasn't necessary for me to feel that I had the exclusive job of helping them. And Universe muscled together a team of support for these two people, and didn't ask me to give any more resources than I knew I could manage. I don't know if my son and his paramour see it like this; they may still be thinking that I could have and should have done more. I still have to house all their boxes and it is in my car, using gas that I paid for, that they travelled to the bus depot.
When I returned home early this morning after dropping them off in Victoria, I wandered up to the studio where they have been living for the last five-and-a-half months and checked it out. Although she is a fastidious housekeeper, there is still a bit of clearing up I need to do. I don't have much heart for it today, but I think I will rally soon and be able to face it. It helps that I love my home. I say this because if I didn't love my home, the energy might be all wrong and straightening out my studio would become a horrendous chore. It is challenging to deal with something that one loaths.
In all this is a wriggling worm of envy of my son and how easily the Universe directed and helped my son and his paramour at this stage of their lives. And here am I waiting for direction and it is not forthcoming. I continue to job hunt every day and apply for anything that is remotely appropriate for somebody with my qualifications. Forget whether or not I actually want to do the job. I am beyond that. And besides and as I have mentioned, when I apply for a job, I can talk my Self into thinking that it will be the perfect job for me and how much I am going to enjoy it. But most of the time, I know that I will be doing a job for the money and that I will enjoy aspects of it and my ego will probably feel that at last we are doing something worthwhile and that will bolster my self-esteem and cause me to feel that I have at last become a valuable member of society, as society would see it.
I realized a long time ago that one can either manifest or allow, and I chose to allow. Adyashanti has a related discussion with a curious satsang attendee who is struggling with the same dilemma and he tells her that it really is one choice or the other; manifest or allow. You can't do both. I keep trying, even though I have come to the conclusion that I have no power and if I were to manifest something, it would be because Source wants me to have it and not because of anything I have done. If I could manifest, I would manifest a wonderful interesting can't-wait-to-get-out-of-bed-and-get-going job for my Self. I have several in mind, all of which would require a considerable amount of capital to launch and which I don't have. But this would not be a problem because if manifestation really worked, I would intuit how to get that capital and I would have all the right chance meetings and the job would happen seemlessly. By allowing, a similar process would occur, except that instead of me dictating what sort of job I expect to get, Universe would find a way to turn my figurative gaze upon my next career move, or at least bump me into another human being who will connect me to a job. However it happens, I will see and know the signs. Right now, there are no signs and no intuitive hits for me. Hence, I am feeling the wriggling of the worm of envy. And my heart feels a little heavy and my life a little dead.
Namaste
This process that my son and his paramour are going through, has been a great lesson for me. I had for a while, the feeling that my son and his paramour expected me to do whatever was necessary -- in other words come up with enough money -- to make the move to Chetwynd possible. As I realized that this couldn't happen, I fretted and felt guilty and confused. I kept telling my Self that if Universe wanted them to move to Chetwynd, it would find a way to get them there and it wasn't necessary for me to feel that I had the exclusive job of helping them. And Universe muscled together a team of support for these two people, and didn't ask me to give any more resources than I knew I could manage. I don't know if my son and his paramour see it like this; they may still be thinking that I could have and should have done more. I still have to house all their boxes and it is in my car, using gas that I paid for, that they travelled to the bus depot.
When I returned home early this morning after dropping them off in Victoria, I wandered up to the studio where they have been living for the last five-and-a-half months and checked it out. Although she is a fastidious housekeeper, there is still a bit of clearing up I need to do. I don't have much heart for it today, but I think I will rally soon and be able to face it. It helps that I love my home. I say this because if I didn't love my home, the energy might be all wrong and straightening out my studio would become a horrendous chore. It is challenging to deal with something that one loaths.
In all this is a wriggling worm of envy of my son and how easily the Universe directed and helped my son and his paramour at this stage of their lives. And here am I waiting for direction and it is not forthcoming. I continue to job hunt every day and apply for anything that is remotely appropriate for somebody with my qualifications. Forget whether or not I actually want to do the job. I am beyond that. And besides and as I have mentioned, when I apply for a job, I can talk my Self into thinking that it will be the perfect job for me and how much I am going to enjoy it. But most of the time, I know that I will be doing a job for the money and that I will enjoy aspects of it and my ego will probably feel that at last we are doing something worthwhile and that will bolster my self-esteem and cause me to feel that I have at last become a valuable member of society, as society would see it.
I realized a long time ago that one can either manifest or allow, and I chose to allow. Adyashanti has a related discussion with a curious satsang attendee who is struggling with the same dilemma and he tells her that it really is one choice or the other; manifest or allow. You can't do both. I keep trying, even though I have come to the conclusion that I have no power and if I were to manifest something, it would be because Source wants me to have it and not because of anything I have done. If I could manifest, I would manifest a wonderful interesting can't-wait-to-get-out-of-bed-and-get-going job for my Self. I have several in mind, all of which would require a considerable amount of capital to launch and which I don't have. But this would not be a problem because if manifestation really worked, I would intuit how to get that capital and I would have all the right chance meetings and the job would happen seemlessly. By allowing, a similar process would occur, except that instead of me dictating what sort of job I expect to get, Universe would find a way to turn my figurative gaze upon my next career move, or at least bump me into another human being who will connect me to a job. However it happens, I will see and know the signs. Right now, there are no signs and no intuitive hits for me. Hence, I am feeling the wriggling of the worm of envy. And my heart feels a little heavy and my life a little dead.
Namaste
Monday, April 04, 2011
Empathy
After writing the last post, I continued to contemplate empathy and I want to record what I was coming up with for future reference. As I see it, empathy as most people practice it is a subject to object sort of thing. In other words, one imposes one's point-of-view upon an object which in most cases, would be another person. During my experience on Wednesday, I experienced my mother's feelings, subjectively. In other words, briefly I became her, feeling what it was like to have her daughter assist and be with her and at the same time, I was feeling what it was like to be me assisting and being with my mother. I also had a sense of the dynamic of the energy or probably Source and Its part in this interaction. So, I was both subjects experiencing their own part in our interaction and at the same time I was something greater than the two parts that was assimilating the energy. Or something like that. It is so difficult to describe. But subject versus object is how most humans handle empathy: if somebody did that to me, this is how I would feel, therefore I know you must feel the same way when it is done to you. So one can see how in most empathetic situations, one imposes one's viewpoint on the other person. This is adequate until one experiences the other way in which one suddenly finds one's Self experiencing life as the other person at the same time that one is experiencing life as one's Self: really, one becomes two Selves interacting with each other.
Namaste
Namaste
Krishnamurti and the Observer
My mother and father, who met at a Theosophical meeting in Vancouver, introduced me to some of the rudimentary teachings of Krishnamurti when I was very small. I was born into a vegetarian household of parents who believed in reincarnation and karma. When I was very young, I was taken to Orcas Island to attend Camp Indralaya. My family returned to this American Theosophical camp twice, when I was older. My father and mother kept a large garden, including vegetable and fruit, and it was always difficult to leave this in the summer as much of it had to be bottled or frozen for the winter, so it was a rarity to go away during the holidays, even to Indralaya. A couple of years ago, I attended an Indralaya summer camp and it was so like it was when I was thirteen that it was as if time had stood still for both of us. I will be returning again at the beginning of June for a healing workshop.
Anyway, I have been listening to Adyashanti throughout today. While I was cooking dinner for my Self, I tuned into a conversation between Adya and a Satsang attendee about the observer and the observed. As I tried to get an idea of what it must be like to be the oberver and the observed at the same time, I realized with a start that this might be exactly what I was experiencing last Wednesday when I had a sudden feeling of what it was like to be my mother receiving what I was giving her, and on an earlier occasion that weird little dialogue with the depth of my being about small talk. Could it be that I am becoming the observed as well as the observer? Here is a quote from Krishnamurti:
"Q: Is there a difference between the observer and the observed?
We are so conditioned, so heavily burdened with the past, with all our knowledge, information how can the mind be spontaneous? Can the mind observe its activity without prejudice, which means without images?
When there is a division between the observer and the observed there is conflict but when the observer is the
observed there is no control, no suppression. The self comes to an end. Duality comes to an end. Conflict comes to an end.
This is the greatest meditation to come upon this extraordinary thing for the mind to discover for itself the observer is the observed."
When Adya was saying that the observer is the observed, I immediately thought of the double-slit experiment. I have often contemplated the observer and how it affects what it sees. I have tried to personalize this in order to understand it. In other words, I tried to figure out how by observing, I am affecting what I see. I haven't come up with any answers yet. All I know is that by looking, I am supposedly collapsing what I am looking at into one. To me, the word observe implies looking, and I was coming at this problem from that perspective. What I experienced in the mall when I was thinking about small talk, and with my mother in the restaurant, was a perception of energy responding to my energy. I think that for the first time, I experienced true empathy. I consider my Self to be an empathetic person, but usually when I am empathetic it is because I have actively imagined what I would feel like if I were "in the other person's shoes." In this new way of being empathetic, the shift to the other person's perspective happened without me doing anything, and I experienced their energy and what they were actually getting out of the interaction, rather than a projection of my own thoughts and feelings onto the other person.
An interesting footnote and something that I will have to attempt to monitor: when I worked as a cashier at Zellers, I found out that I am somewhat psychic and could intuit unknown details about many of my customers which sometimes spooked both them and me. (My son and his paramour have lately been witness to my ability, so I think it must be for real.) What is interesting about the intuitive hits I was scoring in Zellers is that I tended to intuit children and the elderly, and rarely people of the age to be involved in the workforce. Anyway and my point is that if I am beginning to experience being the observer and the observed at the same time, I am curious to know if it is more likely that I will experience this with the elderly and young, or will it work with everybody, equally.
Namaste
Anyway, I have been listening to Adyashanti throughout today. While I was cooking dinner for my Self, I tuned into a conversation between Adya and a Satsang attendee about the observer and the observed. As I tried to get an idea of what it must be like to be the oberver and the observed at the same time, I realized with a start that this might be exactly what I was experiencing last Wednesday when I had a sudden feeling of what it was like to be my mother receiving what I was giving her, and on an earlier occasion that weird little dialogue with the depth of my being about small talk. Could it be that I am becoming the observed as well as the observer? Here is a quote from Krishnamurti:
"Q: Is there a difference between the observer and the observed?
We are so conditioned, so heavily burdened with the past, with all our knowledge, information how can the mind be spontaneous? Can the mind observe its activity without prejudice, which means without images?
When there is a division between the observer and the observed there is conflict but when the observer is the
observed there is no control, no suppression. The self comes to an end. Duality comes to an end. Conflict comes to an end.
This is the greatest meditation to come upon this extraordinary thing for the mind to discover for itself the observer is the observed."
When Adya was saying that the observer is the observed, I immediately thought of the double-slit experiment. I have often contemplated the observer and how it affects what it sees. I have tried to personalize this in order to understand it. In other words, I tried to figure out how by observing, I am affecting what I see. I haven't come up with any answers yet. All I know is that by looking, I am supposedly collapsing what I am looking at into one. To me, the word observe implies looking, and I was coming at this problem from that perspective. What I experienced in the mall when I was thinking about small talk, and with my mother in the restaurant, was a perception of energy responding to my energy. I think that for the first time, I experienced true empathy. I consider my Self to be an empathetic person, but usually when I am empathetic it is because I have actively imagined what I would feel like if I were "in the other person's shoes." In this new way of being empathetic, the shift to the other person's perspective happened without me doing anything, and I experienced their energy and what they were actually getting out of the interaction, rather than a projection of my own thoughts and feelings onto the other person.
An interesting footnote and something that I will have to attempt to monitor: when I worked as a cashier at Zellers, I found out that I am somewhat psychic and could intuit unknown details about many of my customers which sometimes spooked both them and me. (My son and his paramour have lately been witness to my ability, so I think it must be for real.) What is interesting about the intuitive hits I was scoring in Zellers is that I tended to intuit children and the elderly, and rarely people of the age to be involved in the workforce. Anyway and my point is that if I am beginning to experience being the observer and the observed at the same time, I am curious to know if it is more likely that I will experience this with the elderly and young, or will it work with everybody, equally.
Namaste
Sunday, April 03, 2011
POSSIBLE SMALL GAINS
Since last posting, life has been quietly busy. There haven't been any life-shattering insights or breakthroughs for me that I can see. My body still feels gripped by fear more often than I like. I don't enjoy feeling fear and don't know why it is so present in my life. I try to make it my friend and I often remember to let it be and feel it or experience it. It will fade into the nothing or wherever it vanishes to, and then shortly thereafter, pop back up in my body.
In a recent post, I mentioned that I had taken my mother into town and that I found my Self less shy with people I met. Today, I noticed this trend continuing, especially when I walked Sadie in the woods. Several times, I was the one who initiated contact with others; usually, it is others who initiate contact with me. I find my Self really enjoying these interactions when before, I would have avoided them.
I have been troubled by a dilemma related to my son and his paramour's move to Chetwynd. I have wanted to help them more with the financial consequences of such a move, but can no longer afford to give them thousands of dollars as they have used up all my reserves. Every time issues such as how are we going to be able to afford a car or acquire twleve thousand dollars for settling in expenses, I have felt that I should do something and when no inspiration came to act and I did nothing, I felt a little guilty. I kept telling my Self that if Source wants these two to move, it can find other benefactors for them, or cause them to shift their expectations such that they could figure out a more economical means to move. And it seems that Universe did its Infinitely Mysterious thing and called on others to help them. They will bus up to the paramour's family's home where her father has a vehicle lined up for them. Somebody else has loaned them two thousand dollars for this auto that they will pay back, interest-free, at a nominal rate. An appartment became available all of a sudden just three days ago and on Friday, they met with my son's paternal grandmother who arranged a money order through her bank, for them to cover the first month's rent and damage deposit. So it is all coming together for them, I didn't have to do any more than I knew I could, I didn't have to feel guilty, and they leave on Friday.
And yesterday, I was motivated to go to a local garden centre to buy a Calla for one of my planters. This was truly inspired, I think, as I not only found my Calla, but a newly put out tray of salad burnet. Salad burnet is a herb that I have come to enjoy on salads. I mix its chopped leaves into oil and vinegar dressing so that they can impart a cucumber flavour to my salad. Salad burnet is one of those things that is very difficult to find and I have been searching for it for the last few years. Not even local exclusive herb farms carry it. In the past, I have grown it from seed, but salad burnet seeds have to be mail-ordered from back east as there are no local seed companies that supply it. Anyway, I didn't have the energy this year to order them, and was pretty certain I wouldn't have the energy to start them either. So I was absolutely thrilled to find a well-grown young plant at my nursery. It is perennial and will seed itself, so once I have it, I will eventually get more of it.
So it is in these little subtle ways that I think that I can see Source being active in my, and others' lives.
Namaste
In a recent post, I mentioned that I had taken my mother into town and that I found my Self less shy with people I met. Today, I noticed this trend continuing, especially when I walked Sadie in the woods. Several times, I was the one who initiated contact with others; usually, it is others who initiate contact with me. I find my Self really enjoying these interactions when before, I would have avoided them.
I have been troubled by a dilemma related to my son and his paramour's move to Chetwynd. I have wanted to help them more with the financial consequences of such a move, but can no longer afford to give them thousands of dollars as they have used up all my reserves. Every time issues such as how are we going to be able to afford a car or acquire twleve thousand dollars for settling in expenses, I have felt that I should do something and when no inspiration came to act and I did nothing, I felt a little guilty. I kept telling my Self that if Source wants these two to move, it can find other benefactors for them, or cause them to shift their expectations such that they could figure out a more economical means to move. And it seems that Universe did its Infinitely Mysterious thing and called on others to help them. They will bus up to the paramour's family's home where her father has a vehicle lined up for them. Somebody else has loaned them two thousand dollars for this auto that they will pay back, interest-free, at a nominal rate. An appartment became available all of a sudden just three days ago and on Friday, they met with my son's paternal grandmother who arranged a money order through her bank, for them to cover the first month's rent and damage deposit. So it is all coming together for them, I didn't have to do any more than I knew I could, I didn't have to feel guilty, and they leave on Friday.
And yesterday, I was motivated to go to a local garden centre to buy a Calla for one of my planters. This was truly inspired, I think, as I not only found my Calla, but a newly put out tray of salad burnet. Salad burnet is a herb that I have come to enjoy on salads. I mix its chopped leaves into oil and vinegar dressing so that they can impart a cucumber flavour to my salad. Salad burnet is one of those things that is very difficult to find and I have been searching for it for the last few years. Not even local exclusive herb farms carry it. In the past, I have grown it from seed, but salad burnet seeds have to be mail-ordered from back east as there are no local seed companies that supply it. Anyway, I didn't have the energy this year to order them, and was pretty certain I wouldn't have the energy to start them either. So I was absolutely thrilled to find a well-grown young plant at my nursery. It is perennial and will seed itself, so once I have it, I will eventually get more of it.
So it is in these little subtle ways that I think that I can see Source being active in my, and others' lives.
Namaste
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