AN ACT OF AUTOLYSIS

I don’t know what’s wrong with me these days. I feel tense, no ill with fear. Why afraid. What is causing this. It is lack of control. Not being able to control my environment. Control issues again. I thought we had sorted this one out. I am supposed to be relinquishing control. Not having any. Sitting in the passenger’s seat. Leaving the driving to the universe. Why can’t I sit back and relax; let it all happen? What am I afraid of? It is fear around survival, I think. Will I survive this? Can I give up more? Why do I have to give up more? I gave up so much. Always more, more, more. It is worrying about giving up what I need to survive. Yes, I think survival might be the root of my fear. Ego isn’t in the forefront of this. Why am I afraid? Why? Why? What does it matter if I die? It doesn’t, does it? That’s the worst that will happen: I will abandon this body. And that’s wonderful. Free. Or do I value this experience of living far more than I think? Do I actually care about this life? No, not really. It doesn’t feel like it. I think I value it, though. I value the opportunity to experience life. I know I will eventually die. I accept that. I am afraid of becoming penniless; having family take all my resources leaving me depleted and with no energy or funds. But has this happened? Am I worrying about something that might never happen. Probably. It is now. How is now? It is wonderful, if I let it be and stop worrying about a situation that might never happen. Why can’t I see the adventurous side of life? Mum was great today. Oh, I want her to be happy, but I know that her life is hers to live and what will be with it will be. I can’t teach her or learn her lessons for her. Those are for her experience and her development and evolution. She has to have them and marry them with her being. It’s the same with everybody including me. Why am I struggling with this gnawing feeling in my stomach and chest? I don’t like it. Is it true that the feelings of fear are similar to the feelings of love, physically? Joy always feels so light and fear so heavy. But that’s not true entirely because I know that no physical body and no physical feelings of emotions is so light and free as to be highly desirable. Why am I feeling fear? I must sit with it for a few minutes: simply experience it. EXPERIENCING. What is the truth? What is the truth of this feeling. I know it is fear. Fear of what? Fear of death? More the fear of living a life of suffering. I am suffering right now, or at least, that’s my label for it. I must try and think positive about these feelings of tension in the chest and abdomen that cause me to breathe shallowly. I wish I could figure out what is giving rise to these feelings of fear. What is my mind and thinking doing to create them? How is my mind working? What am I saying to my Self. I am basing my fear on past events. These events are over and done with. What is to say that the future events will run similar courses to past events? Nothing. There is no truth in the idea that because the past was shitty, the future will be the same. Besides, even though the past was shitty, I survived it and wasn’t totally miserable and could have experienced it with less suffering than I allowed my Self. I am not dead in the physical sense. It is time to be fully awake and alive and free of this shit. It’s fucking awful. How did I let my Self be programmed? How is it that I have come to believe that I cannot handle something, a situation, that I don’t have to handle. I just have to sit back and watch the Universe unfold and manage what’s going to happen next. It is no good wishing or trying to change anything. Rather, I must accept that what is is what is and be happy about it. What the universe sends my way to do is what I must do. Stop fighting it. Embrace it. For whatever reason, these are experiences that I am meant to have. I must have some sort of aptitude for it or maybe I am supposed to be developing an aptitude for this stuff, whatever it is. Why can’t I see that the absurdly difficult isn’t difficult at all, I don’t have to do anything as such, but be an instrument towards Its accomplishment. I am an instrument and I have no control. I am a puppet. I wish I could see my place in all this so that I could appreciate my roles and Self better. I am not trusting whatever is to manage my life well for me. I am lacking trust. I am afraid. I haven’t got this passenger seat thing sorted out yet. I am still trying too hard. How do I stop trying? How do I get rid of this fear? I am hitting a brick wall when it comes to troubleshooting the problem. I cannot find a label. Maybe I don’t need to find a label. Can’t I just be afraid without labeling it or needing to find a cause? I am afraid. But really, I am not afraid, but my ego is. That is the part that is having the problem. Why suddenly so sad. I am close to tears. In fact, they are welling up in my eyes as I type and my breathing has changed. I am feeling very sad. Very hurt. What is this about? Why do I feel emotionally hurt? I don’t know. I am grieving for something. A loss of self or the separation more likely. I can’t think of anything more to write. I have dried up for a moment. I don’t know that I feel any better: just very tired. Very used. Why do I let my Self feel used? If we are all one, then only I can use my Self. Nicholas, Mum, Andrew, Victoria, Sadie, Cherie, Laksmi, Shanti, are not using me. We are in a dance with each other. Let’s dance. So we aren’t really in a dance with each other. Rather, it is self dancing with self. It feels like we are dancing with each other; seems like we are dancing with each other; but it’s all one and it’s dancing with itself. Waves of sorrow keep swelling up in my bosom. Why? I don’t know. I wish I could really understand at the level that this has to be understood so that it is grocked. I want to know the truth and be one with it and understand. I guess words can’t help me. Only that inner knowing or knowing wherever it is located in this being. Probably not in the physical body. In the mind maybe. I must be more awake than I give my Self credit for as there seems to be less and less to deal with, ie, experiences and memories. Nowadays, it seems to be impressions that are abstract and unnamable. It is nebulous. I don’t know why I am feeling afraid; just am. Fear around not having enough to survive, really. Not enough energy. Not enough money. I don’t have to have these fears. I need to trust whatever that it will all be okay and that everything is perfect, however it is. I hope that my inner guidance will hear what it needs to hear. I sometimes wonder if it has lost its hearing or is it just that nothing is coming to mind that needs attention. Having said that, I am amazed every time I get an inner nudge to get up and tackle a task. I am so tired half the time. Is that necessary? Why don’t I have huge amounts of energy? I suppose that if I were that energetic, I would be constantly seeking amusement and useful pursuits; I don’t need amusements and useful pursuits in the way I thought I needed them. Maybe it is programming that still needs eradicating. Programming to be useful and busy and all that stupid stuff I no longer have any interest in. I don’t know.

ESSENCE

When one listens to sound without judgement or description, just listens to it, one finds that the essence of the sound mingles so completely with the essence of one's being that there is no separation. They are one.

Namaste

A NEW STARTI

I have decided to have another go at A Course in Miracles. I have tried it before, been part of a "Course in Miracles" discussion group, and infrequently take the book off the shelf to read a snippet of it. I am using it to attempt to keep my Self focused on my spiritual development. I am being distracted by my garden which, in its own way, is a spiritual experience. I think that I will always take moments during my walks to indulge in some brief episodes of mindfulness and meditation. This is because it has now become a habit and I enjoy it. Lately, I have been drawn to look up and wallow in the beauty of the sky, cloud patterns, and the many hues and shades that predominate therein. So now, while walking Sadie, I look up and have to remind my Self to look down so that I don't trip or slip.

I continue to be extremely happy. I am finding it easier and easier to forgive and even appreciate some of the more troubling difficult characters that have participated in my life and that I have allowed to hurt me deeply. I am also relishing taste, visions, sounds, scents, and sensations in a way that I have never done before. Many times a day, I find my Self thinking how absolutely wonderful and amazing is it for my senses to receive so much pleasure and I give thanks.

It is encouraging to see my mother doing so well. Since we have been placing high protein shakes in her bathroom for her to enjoy shortly after she gets out of bed, she has become a vital being who has regained possession of her mind and strenghtened her spirit. Even better, my mother herself notices her improvement, understands that it has to do with ingesting nutrients early in her day, and has become proactive about managing her nutrition and health. Such a change: in early May, I gave her five months in her condominium before we would have to move her into assisted living. Now I give her years.

Namaste

TODAY IN THE LIFE

Today I am noticing a subtle shift. Actually, I think I was noticing this yesterday. It probably isn't anything to do with being spiritually awake, but I am writing about it anyway because it is interesting to me and I think that it is something that I should make an accounting of.

What precipitated this is that I have been spending a lot of time On-line, especially YouTube, trying to clear up some questions I have. One was about the rhesus negative aspect of my blood group. There were few answers there and lots of questions still remain. I did learn that my low body temperature is normal and is related to the rhesus factor. I also learned that Rh - tend to experience more fatigue than everybody else and that it has something to do with oxygen. If this is the case, I can stop spending huge amounts of money on this and that vitamin and this and that mineral in the hope that I will have more energy. Instead, I will simply have to come to terms with the fact that I am able to sprint but not run a marathon, which I have known since I was a young woman, but hoped to be able to change. This also goes with my B blood group. I also learned that the eyes are more sensitive and I must say that I never go out in bright daylight, be it overcast or clear, without a hat with a good brim that is blue on the underside. Yes, blue is the trick for me and seems to do a better job of shading my eyes than any other colour. Apart from that, I surmised that rhesus negative was designed for a cooler climate and that is probably why I don't like baking on a beach and why I sleep best in a cold room.

As I was looking at all this information, the business of ETs came up. I certainly think that ETs explain the sudden advancement of mankind from primitive man to modern Homo sapien. And I have one other mystery in my life that I have never been able to clear up: was it a small UFO or a white truck sitting on the highway in my lane in front of me at about 80 meters distance (it was early morning in October and still dark), facing me with two headlamps that behaved more like spotlights pointed at my car, that suddenly took off sideways across two lanes of highway and vanished into thick forest while travelling at quite a clip? Oh yes, where the highway meets the forest there is a three meter drop off or bank. If I were driving over a bank into a forest, I certainly wouldn't try to get my car to go sideways and in that light, I probably would tackle the problem carefully and slowly.

With this immediate revisiting of the UFO issue, I have found myself appreciating more than ever colour; music; natural sounds; flavour; texture; my animal family members; the landscape before my eyes; and even the human race, despite everything it does. In fact, I would say I have just acquired a newfound sense of kinship and love for the human race. We will see how long this lasts, but it is very unusual. I am presently able to forgive humans for their flaws and errors, as perceived by me. Most unusual for me and a very pleasant state of mind and harmony to find one's Self in.

Namaste

QUANTUM COMMUNICATION (2 of 14)

QUANTUM COMMUNICATION (1 of 14)

HOLOGRAPHIC UNIVERSE (5 of 5) Pineal Gland

HOLOGRAPHIC UNIVERSE (1 of 5)

WHAT WITH THE GARDEN AND EVERYTHING ...

I have become very busy with the garden and I continue to help my mother. I don't seem to be doing much in the way of spiritual development and have nothing new to report. Having said this, I am happier than I have ever been. I love my home; love my garden; love my dog and cats; love my children; try to love my mother although it is sometimes difficult; love my life. Although I am not meditating or reading much these days, I continue to ponder the Infinite Mystery almost non-stop and I remember to be present when I am walking Sadie.

I have spent the last couple of days at home gardening and making bread, and listening to music which I seem to need at the moment. I have just discovered a little Tarantella for two pianos and four hands, by Shostokovich, and listen to it several times a day.

We have been enjoying beautiful weather here in Cowichan Bay. The garden is growing well and it is giving me much pleasure. I especially enjoy taking tea and a spiritual book into the garden where I sit in a low beach chair beside the pond and enjoy. This doesn't last very long as Sadie and at least one cat usually join me and behave as if it is a great occasion and can we please not read but rather scratch and tickle us.

I am enjoying a series of YouTube videos about the Holographic Universe and Quantum Communication. I am intrigued by the concept that the pineal gland is the third eye. If I can figure out how to embed the first of these YouTube video series into my blog, I will do it. I did it before, but they have since changed the instructions and method a little, or so I think. Anyway, I will give it a go.

A NEW FRACTAL

DISMANTLING

Although I have listened often to Spiritual Enlightement: the Damnedest Thing, today I heard for the first time the bit about the dismantling. At least, the concept that if one dismantles the ego or whatever it is, all that's left is the awakened state. I guess I need to revisit Byron Katie's work.

Namaste

LITTLE TO REPORT

Although I continue to do the proverbial eat, breathe, and sleep spirituality I have noticed little progress with little to report. I continue to read, meditate when I feel called to and meditate when I walk Sadie. I still find that the mind becomes naturally quiet during the evenings, and I think that for the most part, I am at greater peace with life than I have ever been.

In a previous post, I made reference to cooking crabs and I am wondering if a lot is going on and I am progressing towards awakening, but don't notice because like the crab in the pot, the heat is increasing gradually and I don't feel anything happening. It is very difficult to remember how I was a few months ago. I remember being horribly depressed, twice, especially when I finally got that I have absolutely no control over my life. That was a devestating realization, but I have rallied and come to terms with it: most of the time. At least I realize that it is pointless to resist and try and fix what is, even though I sometimes forget, but soon remember and relax into life's happenings and circumstances.

This morning while reading a number of pages of An Extraordinary Absence, I did a double-take when I read Jeff Foster's comment about movement: "The eyes open, and I am looking out the window of an airplane. London Gatwick Airport is there, and I am that. The eyes blink, and Amsterdam obliterates London. I become Amsterdam, and this plane hasn't gone anywhere. The scenery has changed, that's all." (p. 87). This is similar to my experience as mentioned in a previous post.

Because for the most part I don't trust my realizations and still seek an authority figure to validate them, I am always encouraged when this actually happens: an authority figure confirms something that I have realized. I think that in this sort of work, healthy skepticism is good, but I could be a little extreme in my skepticism about my own insights and should probably point the torch of skepticism at other people's insights. Anyway and the point is that Jeff Foster confirmed that one doesn't move: yes, the scenery may change, but that is the extent of it.

It really is a very odd sensation to be driving 55 kM along the highway and have the scenery whizzing by and sense that one isn't going anywhere. In the quote, I think that Foster is referring to the non-dual experience of being. At least, that's what I think when he states that he becomes Amsterdam, etc. And I suppose that that is what I feel when I perform the exercise of being aware while I am supposedly in motion: that I am somehow embedded in whatever surrounds me and although my senses interpret movement, that part of me that is embedded does not.

Namaste

Holographic Universe

I have been listening to an oldie: discussions with Michael Talbot on his work "Holographic Universe." I really don't know. On the one hand, I want to believe what he said; on the other hand, I am skeptical. His work was something in the order of Lipton's work (The Biology of Belief). I don't think Talbot has any peer-reviewed research papers; nor do I think he conducted scientific experiments. Most of his information seems to be borrowed from other researchers, some of whom worked decades ago at a time when people believed whatever seemed plausible and without proof. As Talbot died of cancer at a very young age, he apparently didn't master the business of mind over matter that he talks so much about.

Having written this, I am able to validate some of his ideas based on experiences in my own life. While I do not understand how one can order the body to do one's will and have it obey, I have done this successfully on a few occasions, and witnessed my father go into remission from cancer when he announced that he had no intention of getting his affairs in order as recommended by his doctor. At present, I am struggling with a cough which is the last stronghold of a cold I recently had. I keep telling this cough that I have had enough of it, that I have got the message about keeping my peace when I need to speak my truth, and that the cough must go. It hasn't. Every day, it is incrimentally better, but it is still with me. One night when I was feeling particularly feverish and exhausted, I managed in the space of a thirty-second tirade against my lack of good health, to turn the cold around. Up to this point, I had been attempting to accept the cold, not resist it, and allow it to be what it was. In that tirade, I seemed to have at least switched off the fever because the aching joints relaxed and became comfortable and normal instantly.

Much of what Michael Talbot said had to do with physics and trying to find a relationship between science and spirituality. I wonder if he was a Theosophist? I liked that he reminded me that things like tables and chairs are energy fields that the eyes and mind are interpreting as solid objects. I will need to re-listen several times and see what more I can glean.

Talbot has me thinking about what Adyashanti and others of his level of spiritual development say: when everything falls away, what is left is all there is. Why I keep thinking this, I don't know, but I am beginning to grasp the significance of this claim.

Namaste

BACK FROM INDRALAYA

I spent the end of last week at Indralaya on Orcas Island taking a "heal yourself" workshop with Robyn Finseth. What was most interesting about this weekend, apart from hanging out with clairvoyance and spiritual people, is that I learned that I am more intuitive than I thought. This then begs the question: how much of what I feel and think is generated by me and how much is coming from external sources? Okay, so if we are all one organizm, obviously I am not picking stuff up from an external source. But what I am referring to is all the stuff that I am picking up from a source that I feel disconnected from.

I also realized that my daughter is clairvoyant based on descriptions I was hearing from people in our forty-strong group, and on what she has described to me. When I picked up Sadie from her I told her this and she was fascinated and now wants to go to Indralaya to talk with people that are experiencing some of what she is experiencing. How wonderful is that?

And it also explains a columnar shimmer of green that I once saw crossing the road above the culvert beside Fillongley Park. This must have been a woodland spirit. I asked many people about this object and nobody had a clue. So one more mystery solved.

I also went to camp with a cold and two ulcers in the back of my throat. The cold is now a cough and the ulcers are nearly gone so I can almost swallow pain-free. I threw away a partially full tube of Sensodyne cool mint gel as I figured I had hit the motherlode of sulphur. There is always more sulphur as one gets to the end of the tube than at the beginning. I chucked it immediately I noticed a third ulcer starting to form and that ulcer didn't get any worse, thank goodness.

Meanwhile and to support my spiritual growth, I am not doing much of anything as I am feeling a little lost with it all and not certain which direction to turn or which spiritual practice to adopt. I continue with meditations, contemplations, readings, audio books, and I seem to have developed an aversion to TV although I did try and watch a movie last night.

Namaste

QUIETER MIND

Although I haven't had much to write about of late, I continue to work on spiritual matters. I have to say that between the garden and helping my mum who has developed some health issues, I don't think that I have been as dedicated to my spiritual practice as I was during the first quarter of this year. In fact, my practices seem to be in a lull. To be fair, though, I do try to notice what my mind is doing and I continue to practice meditating while walking Sadie. As Adyashanti advises seekers to get on with their lives, I guess that this is what I am doing or am being called to do which is a more accurate way of expressing the cause of my actions.

Over the last few days, what I have discerned is that I do better at achieving a quiet mind when I turn my attention to activities that don't use the mind than when I try to simply not think. In other words, I might focus my attention on my senses and what they are perceiving in the surrounding environment and by doing this I am not engaging the mind. I am detecting that the mind on its own is a lot quieter these days. I continue to have the most success with a naturally quiet mind -- a mind that relaxes and doesn't think unless I ask it to -- later in the day. But I am beginning to sense that there are more and more -- and lengthy -- periods when there is no mental activity. I am also aware that often when the mind is busy, I am totally detached from it which is sort of neat in that on these occasions, it is like the mental humdrum is in the background rather than the foreground.

I have been slowly reading my way through Max Freedom Long's "Growing Into Light" and Jeff Foster's "An Extraordinary Absence," both of which I am thoroughly enjoying. I have also been listening to Tolle's "The Journey Into Yourself." I had listened to The Journey Into Yourself two or three times, but that was many months ago. I was initially intrigued by this audio cd, but this time around, I am impressed. Tolle does a very good job of taking the audience through some very useful exercises such as how to approach the business of looking at a tree or dealing with an emotional upset. This is the sort of information I need right now, not that I haven't already figured most of it out on my own, but to hear it from somebody who has woken up is validating.

Namaste

Infants, Meditation, and Contemplation

As I was walking Sadie past a home, I heard a young child experimenting with language. This child spoke a few recognizable words in the midst of gobbledygook. This got me to asking my Self: what might life be like for the child before it begins to acquire language? How would it amuse itself? It must spend most of its existence in awareness, interacting with its environment and satisfying its body's demands. Given this wordless state, I continued to ponder what a vocabulary-challenged infant's existence would be like.

I realized that as an adult, my forms of amusement are almost exclusively aimed at entertaining the mind: that there is some sort of thinking behaviour that is totally dependent upon words, taking place in association with everything I do. I would go so far as to say that if an activity is not going to somehow use words or incorporate the mind in an analytical way, I probably won't do it, or at least, I won't do it for long.

I concluded that, prior to the acquisition of language, infants must spend most of their time in a meditative or contemplative state.

Namaste

Why Label IT Crazy?

I have been busy the last four days, what with helping my Mum; taking her to ER on Friday the thirteenth to find out she needed more medication to regulate her heart rate (in Canada, if you need to see a doctor quickly, it is better to go to the ER than book an appointment which might mean waiting a week or two before you get to see your doctor); visiting with my daughter; and catching up on yardwork and general cooking that had been postponed due to all the other activity.

Last week, in approximately two sittings, I read Michael Mirdad's "You're Not Going Crazy ... You're Just Waking Up!" I am not certain what to think or say about this book, but maybe an almost incoherent brainstorming ramble would be the best way to talk about it, so here goes.

First of all, never during my process of realizing my true nature have I thought that I was going crazy. Even some of the most unusual experiences were received as "somehow normal" by the mind. The main awakening experience was matter-of-fact and during this second episode, I was constantly being advised by a small wee voice -- thoughts or ideas rather than words -- that what was happening was normal and I was being looked after and I had nothing to worry about. I don't think crazy is a good word at all for what I experienced. I find it interesting that, for the most part, I was unaware that anything was shifting.

The closest metaphor I can think of that relates to my life process of waking up is a rather distasteful one: that of cooking a crab. You know, it is in cool water and the water heats up and it doesn't notice until suddenly, POW! its existence is transformed.

As I read Mirdad's little book, I realized that I had been through most of the phases he talks about. Oh, yes, Mirdad breaks down the awakening process into five stages. He writes, "The Soul Transformation Process can be understood best when divided into its five primary stages: 1) Dismantling, 2) Emptiness, 3) Disorientation, 4) Re-building, and 5) A New Life. Mirdad. page 2. Having said that I have been through most of the phases he talks about, I must acknowledge that I continue to deal with Dismantling, Emptiness, Disorientation, and Re-building.

Yesterday while walking Sadie, I realized that I have been dealing with Dismantling for most of my adult life without realizing that that was what was happening. Mirdad claims that Dismantling begins when "there is something about your life that has been stuck or stagnant for too long and now needs to be changed." Much of my adult life regularly spiralled into a stuck place, I would attend to it, leaning heavily on philosophy, spiritual practices, and teachings to aid in the recovery, come unstuck, and life would be more enjoyable for a few months. Actually, I have to thank these stuck stagnant periods of my life because I finally "got" that no matter what I did to improve my life, it still wasn't working. I guess that this is when the straw that broke the camel's back occurred: I had finally become employed, was earning money for the first time since before the children were born, and realized that although I now had personal spending power, I wasn't any the happier for it. Then my marriage of thirty-one years suddenly came to an end. It was also during this time that I entered a major dark night of the soul which lasted, um, I would say, until the second year of college, or from January 2006 until September 2008. It was also at the beginning of this dark night that I experienced my second, but I view it as my first, flirt with self-realization.

I am not convinced that Mr. Mirdad is awake in the sense that Adyashanti is awake. I think that I am an inveterate skeptic, but we will see and I regard it as healthy and appropriate to the spiritual search. When I am spiritually awake and know that I am spiritually awake, I won't care whether Mr. Mirdad is or is not awake. For now, as I am desperately seeking mentors and guidence that is external to me or really, validates the internal guidence I am receiving which I am often also skeptical of, I want to feel that my teachers are genuine and not shams. I think that You're Not Going Crazy ... You're Just Waking Up, could be a very useful book to many students on the spiritual path. I am not certain that it has helped me, and I can't help wondering what Mr. Mirdad thinks it is like to be spiritually awake. Although I try to avoid thinking that I know what it is like to be spiritually awake, I have two experiences that insist on being the examples for what I am trying to achieve.

Adyashanti says that when it (spiritual awakening) happens, you won't miss it. With this pointer in mind, I can only say that what happened to me in those two experiences could not possibly be missed. They were far more than cooking a crab by the method described above. In fact, it would be more accurate to say that they resembled being dropped into water already on the point of boil. It was that dramatic. One couldn't miss it.

Namaste.

PRODUCTIVE CONUNDRUM

As I walked Sadie up the little hill outside my home, I contemplated something that Adyashanti talked about. Unfortunately, I cannot now remember what he said that I wanted to try and understand. I do remember that what I came up with is that if one believes a thought, one's body will react with an emotion. Maybe Adyashanti said something about it being okay to think, just don't believe what you are thinking. I was then trying to differentiate the difference between thoughts that are believed and those that are not.

Later this afternoon, after spending some of Mother's Day whiling away the time, I began to feel disgusted with my Self. I was feeling disgusted because I was not doing anything productive. For most people, productive is usually conjoined with  a wage. Although I earned my wages yesterday because my mother got the days of the week wrong and had stripped her bed and done her laundry, I also view productive as doing something useful which usually means something that human egos consider to be extremely important like dusting the house, scrubbing out the toilet, cooking, mowing the lawn, or painting the house. I was doing none of this and some of it like dusting and sweeping the bathroom floor, if I were behaving like a good human ego, wouldn't have gone amiss.

I eventually became so disgusted with my Self that I was able to stand up, put on my gumboots, grab the recharged battery from the recharger, and go into my garden where I spent twenty minutes -- the length of time the battery holds a charge -- waving the string trimmer over the possessive goutweed and around planters and stone edgings where the grass was becoming long and unruly. I then spread more newspaper on the goutweed which may be futile judging by the number of places that the goutweed has punctured thick wads of newspaper and broken through. After this, I weeded one corner of the island bed. Because of all the rain, the earth is still very wet and great clods of it stuck to the roots of the dandelions and buttercups, and it had to be chipped off with the sharp edge of a trowel. I cleared enough that I was able to plant four charmingly pretty pansies.

Sadie showed up and I knew that she wanted her supper so I cleaned my tools and scrubbed out the plastic pansy pots for recycling and arrived in the kitchen a few minutes before 1800h. I felt so good about my Self and this is causing me a bit of a conundrum. I cannot decide whether going outside and being productive satisfied the Ego/ Little Me, or was inspired by the Infinite Mystery. On the one hand, I may have been inspired; on the other hand, the Little Me may have been reacting to the disgust I felt, which might have arisen from thoughts that the Little Me was thinking, and was pressuring me to escape from the period of inactivity. I suppose that if I had simply risen from the couch to go into the garden rather than fleeing a feeling of disgust, I would have been acting on what Source wanted me to do. Adyashanti might suggest here that I could not have got up and gone into the garden unless Source did want that of me. And what actually generates thoughts?

One positive note: I was able to spend a good bit of the afternoon out in the garden, as well as taking Sadie for a long walk, and my eyes and face aren't itching or swollen with edema and I took only one Aerius this morning, so either the huge quantity of Multi-B vitamins including B-12 are beginning to pump up my red blood cells, or the tree pollen is dwindling. I keep forgetting that the reason why I have been indoors so much of late is to avoid the tree pollen and try and reduce the swelling in my face and around my left eye so that I can use it, especially if I have to drive over to my mother's place.

It is all a little confusing. I suppose I am applying too much mind or overthinking it. Why am I worrying my Self about this? It is silly, really.

Namaste

LITTLE ME

It has occurred to me that it is time to analyze the nature of my idle thinking. What I call idle thinking is that thinking that one seems to do mindlessly and incessantly to entertain one's Self. Really, it is an almost unconscious method one uses to avoid experiencing the nothing or that void that one senses when everything ceases to be; when all thinking and activity stops; when one is (probably) in a state of potential energy; when one is doing nothing and nothing is happening and one is so idle that one seems to suddenly be without identity or familiar feelings or active emotional energy systems. It is the state that one quickly masks with busyness or an addiction. This void or emptiness becomes apparent when familiar favourite feelings have ceased, and is quickly rejected in favour of these ceased familiar favourite feelings of, say, anxiety or fear or annoyance: whatever feeling has become the undercurrent of one's life; whatever feeling that is so present for so much of the time that should it disappear, one panics and quickly tries to get it back.

Lately, I have been observing and taking stock of this idle thinking -- self-talk or self-chatter -- and see that it is all aimed at justifying the existence of the little Me. How fascinating. I wonder what I will do with this information?

Namaste

NAMASTE

I have been busy for a few days and rarely peeked at this blog. Last Friday, my sister came over to stay with our mother and I joined them during the day until she left on Sunday. I took my mother out to vote on Monday, and to have her hair permed today. My mother's condo is close to the Cowichan River where my nemesis, the cottonwoods, are in full bloom. My sister had my mother's French door open about five inches for most of her stay which meant that I was inhaling cottonwood pollen for three days. On top of this, I bravely walked Sadie on her favourite doggy trails in the Cowichan Valley which are in the cottonwood infested Rotary Park. I had been recovering nicely from the last time I walked her under those trees three days in a row, but now there is a flare up. To tell the truth and despite consuming large numbers of Aerius tablets, my face feels like it is covered in bee stings and my body is lethargic and seems to want three to four hours more sleep than normal.

I am attempting to use a spiritual approach to my plight: accepting what is and not resisting it while trying to remain comfortable. I slather my face with Dream Cream from Salt Spring Island and the mintiness of it seems to help once we get over the initial smarting sensation that it seems to stimulate in my facial skin. Last week, I had my six-month teeth cleaning and because I was born with a bicuspid aorta, I have to take penicillin before hygienists enter my mouth. I know to follow the penicillin with probiotics and B vitamins, but have decided that I should increase the B vitamins. I have discovered a rather expensive multi-B vitamin made by a company called Advantix which I take, but because of its cost, I take less than the recommended dose. I just Googled B vitamins and allergies only to learn that B-12 is beneficial in helping fight allergies. As I have in the past been diagnosed with pernicious anaemia, I wonder if that is the present problem. I really am too vegetarian for my own good and know I need to either eat meat or take B-12, and I don't. One of the positive aspects of this Advantix multi-B vitamin is that the B-12, as well as the B-1, are of the correct chemical nature for one who was raised vegetarian. If after being vegetarian for a long time, one uses the wrong form of B-12, the body can't absorb it. Anyway, before reading the bits about B-12 and allergies, I had decided to boost my vitamin B intake. I also purchased some C vitamins as I was running out of those, and now that I have another bottle, I will increase the amount of that which is what I did the first time this allergy worsened.

In about sixty minutes, Adyashanti's cafe Dharma will begin and I am all set to listen, or watch if the video feed works. I haven't managed to tune in to one of these yet, and am looking forward to it. I used to listen to Hay House Radio a lot, especially after my ex- left me and moved to Australia. Hay House Radio was wonderful and just what I needed back then and for about a year or so. I have now moved on and am rarely tempted to tune in on the computer for a listen.

I am finding that my busy mind is of its own accord becoming less and less busy. There are many minutes when it is inactive and no thoughts appear to bother me and I exist in awareness alone. It is rather lovely, although the term dazed comes to mind. As I mentioned in an earlier blog, the mind is particularly still in the evening which is why I sometimes think that evening might be a better time of day to meditate. It is also when I am most likely to drift off into a snooze which is counterproductive. I am also continuing to monitor what I do to prevent my Self from experiencing that void or empty state or whatever it is: you know; the one that one is constantly abandoning in favour of thinking exciting thoughts, watching TV, being busy, using Facebook or Twitter, or masking with an addiction.

Namaste

MONITORING THAT EMPTY SPACE

I am waiting for a cord of green maple to be delivered and while I do that, I am pondering an empty feeling that sometimes appears somewhere in my being. It is a vague feeling. Hard to describe it really. Of late, I have been noticing this feeling more and more. You know. It is the feeling that one seems to need to obliterate with activity or thinking. Or maybe I am the only human that has this feeling. I really can't say, except that I have learned that anything I think or feel is not exclusive to me. I may not know exactly how another person is exeriencing the same sensations, but I know that others are having them too.

Anyway, this empty feeling has always had the potential to show up in my life, but most of the time I am obsessed with covering it up or masking it and so never really notice it, and if it does begin to arise, I so quickly distract my Self from it that I have never before had a chance to become acquainted with it. My behaviour towards the empty feeling reminds me a little of a mother with an infant; at least how I was with my infants. I was so tuned in to them, that I knew when they were about to cry and quickly did whatever it took to avert the tears. My children rarely cried, except my daughter and that was because she was the first born and I took a few weeks to figure her out so that I could arrange things such that she didn't have an excuse to cry. I am the same with that empty feeling; so quick to respond that it doesn't get a chance to arise.

Now that I am aware that this empty feeling seems to be part of my existence, I am noticing it more frequently and allowing it to be while I experience it. I think that this empty feeling is one of the sensations that drives people to become addicted as an addiction could easily mask it and distract one from it. My reaction to it is very interesting. I am a little uncomfortable about it, but as I spend more time experiencing it, I am seeing how I have spent most of my life trying to exist without its presence.

I think the wood is here.

Namaste

BUSY RATHER THAN SPIRITUAL DAY

It is a lovely day; the third in a row and the longest dry spell we have had since August 2010, although there may have been one in October; I can't remember. This morning, I was going to meditate; I really intended to. I meditate for a little while before I get out of bed, but I usually take care of my body's needs like ablutions, fluids, and food, before I launch into my spiritual studies and meditation. Today, after eating my granola with yoghurt and berries, I played a little Spider Solitaire on the computer. Then I took Sadie for a walk, made and ate a cucumber sandwich, drank a glass of water along with the remainder of my vitamins and minerals, washed the dishes, and put on my boots and went into the garden.

I had intended to mow the lawn as it needs doing again and I have no idea when it will next rain, so carpe diem and all that. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I have almost ceased planning and making plans and I know so well and from experience that if I go out to the garden to do one thing, I will likely end up doing something completely different. This was the case today. I found myself pulling out the tarps I use to cover firewood, and spreading them out to dry. I then took the last of the firewood -- one wheelbarrow's load -- from the upper woodstack site to beside one of my back doors (I have a cord of green maple due to arrive on Tuesday). This done, I did manage to pull out the push mower and give the grass a good shaving. Then for some reason as I stood staring at the fish pond which came with this home when I bought it, I found myself hauling at a large clump of bull rush. Needless to say, it was heavier than me and I couldn't simply pull it or roll it or anything else out of the pond. I ended up cutting it down to size with loppers and grass shears and frequently asking Source what I should do next and much of my activity was performed in a state of mindlessness. Finely with a steady mighty tug, I was able to get the thing out of the pond.

I then had quite a bit of cleaning up to do and there are still bits of dead bullrush floating around on the water. I know I should get those out too, but got a lot of it out and by this time I was tired and wanted a cup of rose congouo tea.

I am fastidious about my garden tools. Although many of them now look used, I try to put them away cleaned and dried and oiled (if they have moving parts) and I do this no matter how exhausted I am. I also had to get the pond pump up and running again and drop the two pots of water plants that came up with the huge mat of bullrush roots -- one of them is what's left of the bullrush -- back into the pond. This I did and I have to say that it is very pleasant that the dead bullrush stalks are no longer there. It was an eyesore but only because I knew that all that dead vegetable matter might decay into the pond and create an unhealthy environment for the lovely goldfish that came with the pond when I bought this home.

I always find my approach to tasks, interesting. As I wrote previously, these days I rarely plan and usually find my Self launching mindlesslessly into work. I might get more accomplished if I created a plan and stuck to it, but so often one sets out to do something only to find that it can't be done until something else is done. The simplest task seems to sit upon a foundation of larger tasks. For example and this is only an example as I keep my garden shed in order and my lawnmower is where I can easily grab it and pull it out: some people might want to mow the lawn, but can't because there is clutter blocking the mower. They start to deal with clutter only to find the shears that they lost a week ago. While the shears are in their hand anyway, the person might go and tackle the job they wanted to do a week ago but couldn't because the shears were missing. And so on ... I am sure this happens to most of us, even if we are organized. I can remember way back when I had three young children and I kept a lot of food in bulk in lidded buckets in the basement. It seemed that every time I wanted to bake a cake, I had to go to the basement and bring up the flour bin (truthfully and for a long time I ground my own flour with a stone burr mill), fill up the smaller kitchen bin, then take the flour bin back down to the basement. All so that I could make cake. My point is that simple tasks are rarely simple and straightforward. And plans fail too often. But feeling internal pressure to tackle a job and acting upon it as one is inspired works well for me, almost every time.

Technically and if one is truly spiritually awake, one probably wouldn't care that last year's bullrush stalks might decay into the pond and create an unhealthy environment for the fish. But I don't know that one who is spiritually awake and has been given a goldfish pond to tend would leave it to nature to run the show although nature can probably do a pretty good job of running the show, even in a small pond like I've got. Having said this, sometimes if nature is left to its own devices, it behaves inappropriately. It was inappropriate for the bullrush to spread so wide in such a small space. And I have heard horror stories of decaying matter poisoning fish. I think that being spiritually awake doesn't preclude activity and that a spiritually awake custodian of a fish pond would suddenly get the urge to clean out the pond, just as I did, and would act upon that urge. And I am not certain that I had anything in the way of negative or positive emotions invested in the state of my pond. Okay, well to be honest, every time I saw it I felt twinges that I should take responsibility for it. And I really don't know if those twinges arose from the little me or from Source. I really do wonder. And I think Adyashanti would ask "what or who really cleaned out the fish pond?"

Despite the fact that I laboured in the garden instead of doing my spiritual studies and meditation, I feel very good right now. I don't know whether this is because the activity released chemicals (neurotransmitters?) into my body that cause me to feel this way, or that I am relieved to have done something useful, or that while I was labouring to pull out the bullrush and mow the lawn, I was actually in a somewhat meditative state.

Namaste

RELOCATION PUZZLE

I don't remember whether I have mentioned this yet, but lately, I have been playing around with the concept of movement. By movement, I mean moving from one place to another, whether it be Shanks pony or automobile or another mode of relocating one's Self from one place to a different place. What I am finding puzzling is that although the scenery may change, I don't feel that I am moving at all and I cannot prove it. I can be walking along the road or driving at 90 K up the highway to Duncan, and the scenery is changing, and despite this, I have the sense that I remain in the same spot the entire time. It is most odd.

Namaste

IDLE RAMBLING

As I led Sadie up the big hill, I berated myself for becoming so idle after the last four decades of my life which have been spent looking and behaving like a workaholic. Even after I graduated from college and moved to Cowichan Bay, I spent a very busy summer making my new friendly darling home and property more useful to me. I also tended to my mother several days a week and gave lodging to my daughter while she did nursing school. I feel as if I have been idle since October 2009. I thought of a book entitled "No Idle Hands," and I tried to remember the dictum about idleness being the work of the devil. I felt somewhat ill at ease as I contemplated this, then wondered why that should be.

Why had I "bought" into the idea that being idle is a waste of time? After all, Sadie, Shanti, and Laksmi sleep for much of the day and night and they don't seem to think that their lives are meaningless or worthless for it. I realize that I have some work to do here, maybe. I am still confused about the business of processing bothersome troublesome "stuff" and am not convinced that processing it is what needs to happen, and I certainly have not found a method that guarantees results and freedom from these burdons that we have innocently cultivated. As for idleness, I am never truly idle. What I should write is that I am enjoying life, but I am not doing what my parents would term, anything constructive or productive. I am certainly not bettering anybody else's life as far as I can see, although my mother would say otherwise.

I admit that I even enjoy my idle time which is quite an accomplishment as I had to learn to allow my Self to derive pleasure from fun activities and even allow my Self to participate in enjoyable activities. When I was married, I was terrified my ex would catch me doing something that he didn't approve of. As it so happened, I kept my Self busy with housework and mothering and rarely had time for me. I worked from 0600h until 2100 or 2200h most days of the week including weekends. Every six weeks or so I burned out and was unpleasant to be around for a couple of days and then I would "get it together" again and continue on. If I had strong urges to do something that I wanted to do, I usually managed to overcome them or ignore them.

When I saw the Johnny Depp dramatization of "Don Juan DeMarco," I was amazed when Faye Dunaway told Marlon Brando what she was going to enjoy about retirement (I think that was it, although I might be inaccurate here and have interpreted what I wanted to interpret from the film, and not what really was said) and was surprised that she had any idea what she wanted. I was amazed because I had for so long neglected my Self and my interests that I didn't have them any more. I knew that if I were in Dunaway's shoes, I would meet retirement with confusion and "what do I do now, because I certainly don't know how to enjoy life? Truthfully, I think that part of this was that I didn't know how to let my Self enjoy life. To be fair and honest, throughout my marriage I had passions for gardening, knitting, spinning, weaving, writing, and my animal friends. I learned to enjoy my children's activities, even baseball. But everything I did was based on how convenient it was with regards to everybody else's needs and schedules, mine being the least important as far as I was concerned and as indicated by my husband on the two occasions when I got distracted by a fibre art project and the garden, and the fire in the wood cooker went out, and supper was an hour late.

Somewhere between 1999 and 2004, probably around 2003, I signed up for an On-line course on stress and burnout and learned that I needed to put variety into my life to prevent it. I did this: I began to play Spider Solitaire on the computer. Then I learned about Bejeweled. It was like exposing a dry sponge to water. I couldn't get enough. And lo and behold, although I was now playing games for five hours a day, I was taking care of all my duties and was happier for it. That was quite a lesson. I think the games energized me and I was more efficient and got through the work faster. My ex was away a lot, visiting astrophysical observatories and associated technology departments in France, Florida, and Victoria and I was able to relax and not fear his sudden arrival. I also took up Tie-Dying, soap-making and candle-making, and had a lovely time with that. The soap I could justify as we used it and my sons' and my skin do not like commercial soap.

So there I was: I had learned to play, but I used it as a reward and something to do between the hectic pace of all my chores. And here I am, with plenty of idle time and so uncomfortable about it -- this is when the mind turns on and suggests that something is wrong with this picture and life shouldn't be this way.

I find this very interesting: when I finish a project, and I particularly noticed this when I created something major like a woven blanket or knitted sweater or a gardening article for the Denman Island news sheet, I am so divorced from it that it is as if I had nothing to do with it. In other words, I might spend three days in an intense intimate relationship with a piece of cloth that I am designing and weaving and the moment it is finished, I feel completely separate and apart from it and it is as if I had nothing to do with its creation. I am noticing that this is also the case with just about everything I do. This means that although I think that I am idle much of the time, it is because I have forgotten about all the busyness that I have been involved with. I spend an afternoon serving my mother, then come home and become emotionally and mentally separated from this work for her so forget to acknowledge that I have done it. I then notice that I am idle, but I forget that I have also been busy and performed selfless tasks for my mother or others.

Recently, I was listening to a news item about a person who was out in the world doing great and wonderful things and I began to chastise my Self for having not been of service in the world. This went on for quite a while after the news item before I remembered that I had spent six weeks in Kathmandu teaching young Nepali men how to paint and frame windows, and cleaning and decorating a filthy little day care centre which turned out so beautifully that it is now used as a local community centre for adults as well as a day care. I then have to remind my Self of the many children who didn't have stay-at-home parents so came to my home and who I fed and kept overnight and drove to soccer, tennis, basketball, baseball, or paddling. I forget that I learned to keep score for Little League because I was available for games and other mothers were out working. It completely slipped my mind that I volunteered with girl guides, went into my childrens' schools to assist secretaries with leaflets and newsletters, and taught many people to knit and spin. Why do I forget these things and think that I have no right to be idle?

Namaste

MONITORING AN ALLERGY

On Sunday, I noticed that the skin around my left eye was itchy and that both eyes were tearing more than usual. I spread some Dream Cream on my face (this is an awesome product, made on Salt Spring Island) and this seemed to ease the discomfort after initially causing stinging in the area around my eye. Because I am allergic to cottonwood pollen, I have been taking Aerius since early March in preparation for this time: I have been told that one needs a build up of antihistimine in the system for it to work well. On Monday morning when I woke up, I realized that my left eye was so puffy that I was unable to open it. I decided to accept the situation and have a quiet day at home, staying in the house and away from the cottonwood pollen except to walk Sadie.

Usually when this allergy comes upon me, or any sickness for that matter, I go into battle against it. I research the Internet for ideas that might help and I try much of the advice received from friends and family. Recovering becomes a very hectic time. I am not certain if my efforts speed up the process or not. It is possible that if I allowed the problem to run its course, it would be over just as quickly. This time, as I accepted the situation, I found myself at peace with it. This is quite different from the frantic wars I have waged in the past. I feel uncomfortable if I think about my face, and I must say that I will always use whatever is available to make my body feel comfortable whether it be Tylenol, herbal teas, vitamins, minerals, heat, cold, homeopathic remedies and Schlussa salts, Reiki, or massage.

I am undecided as to whether making the body feel comfortable is a form of waging war on it or not. This time around, I continue to apply Dream Cream to reduce the prickly feeling in my facial skin and I continue with the Aerius which I presently take five times in twenty-four hours, and I have increased my intake of Vitamin C and calcium. At no point do I feel I am waging war. Rather, I seem to have a somewhat matter-of-fact approach to the treatments and there is a sense of love for the body as I minister to it.

This morning, Tuesday, as I stood in the shower -- showering frequently when there are allergens in the air is supposed to help and I will sometimes shower twice a day when my body is reacting this badly -- I tenderly offered the left side of my face to the stream of warm water and bathed the cheek and eye for three minutes. I can now open my left eye and the swelling seems to have reduced enough that my glasses no longer sit at a rakish angle and I can see with my left eye over the shrinking mound of a left cheek. Today, I even have the energy -- energy sometimes becomes diverted to fight for a sick body leaving me feeling tired -- to sweep floors, launder all Sadie's mats and towels, and who knows what else I will take on. As I mentioned in a previous post, I am planning less and less and doing more and more as spirit moves me, a system which remains very efficient and doesn't tax me.

I am finding it interesting to go through something as uncomfortable as this allergy can be, in such a relaxed and accepting state. I have never felt so at peace with a sickened body as I have been throughout this cottonwood episode. It helps that I am not sharing my situation with others as others always want to fix me and that sometimes causes me to feel worry or that I am not doing enough or that I have failed or will fail somehow. I had to mention it to my mother as she wants me to drive her to her hairdresser and I had to let her know that she would be well advised to line up another driver in case I can't open my left eye. She is at an age where she can't remember me ever having suffered from a cottonwood allergy, even though she was very involved with it last year. I was able to tell her that I had accepted the allergic reaction and was allowing it to run its course and my mother more or less left the subject alone after that and there was none of that business where two people worry a problem to death.

Namaste

CURVE BALLS

I find it interesting that my focus has switched from plans and planning to being flexible and grabbing at opportunities and taking direction as it comes my way. Yesterday and today, I was summoned on short notice, by my mother: yesterday it was because she had fallen and wanted me to go and help her get up, and today was because she thought it was Sunday so had stripped the sheets off her bed and wanted me to go and make it up with fresh sheets. Both times she telephoned, I felt no reaction. I didn't feel flustered or inconvenienced or anxious or annoyed. I simply changed the course I was presently on. Yesterday when she called, I was drinking tea and thinking that it would be nice to do some knitting; and today I had just come in from a morning of unusual shopping -- unusual because I had to buy items from specialty stores that aren't on my usual route in Duncan, so I have to go out of my way a little which costs me in minutes and hours so put off those purchases until I cannot put them off any longer -- and was about to make myself some lunch when she summoned me again. Before responding to the call out, I did eat an apple and some cheese as my body, despite having had granola, yogurt, and fruit in the morning was asking for nurishment. And then off we went, back into town, this time to do for my mother what I should be doing tomorrow.

Despite having had a hectic busy active morning, I was also surprised at how fresh and energetic my body was feeling and it didn't drag or slow down, but was quite happy to give Sadie a second walk so that her bladder was good and empty for the visit with my mum, and then do my mother's house work.
Adyashanti talks about an increase in energy as being part of the awakening process. I have certainly had long periods of sleepless restless nights and oftentimes, I can spend ten hours in bed and only get three to five hours of sleep. I usually wake up knowing I have slept well, but rarely excited enough about life that I want to leap out of bed and tackle the day. I often lie there for quite a bit, listening to spiritual tapes, and sometimes even doing a bit of meditating which really involves contemplating what I really am and trying to experience that aspect of my Self. Anyway and my point is that I am wondering if today was a sign of an increase in energy level in my future life. I have always had low energy and sometimes my body has felt exhausted for long periods of time; in other words, day after day after day, into weeks, into months, until I can't remember what it is like to work with a body that feels vital.

I also am noting with interest how seemlessly I seem to shift into what Source is calling me to do. It wasn't very long ago that had I had a call from my mother asking me to come and make her bed, I would have felt quite shirty about having to put off doing something I had planned to do, even was looking forward to doing, and quite inconvenienced.

I really am planning less and less and without a plan, there is nothing to shatter and, therefore, one cannot become disappointed. Come to think of it, many times of late I have started to plan an activity only to tell my Self that we will see what happens when the time comes. Although not planning would appear to give one an excuse to never do anything, I am finding that to not be the case. I have learned to act upon something when I feel prompted. The other day, I came home from walking Sadie and I don't know how or why, but without much thought, I pulled out the lawn mower and cut the grass. It was timely too as it rained shortly after I finished the mowing and continued to rain for the next forty-eight hours. I am finding that a lot of tasks are being dealt with in the same manner. I suddenly find my Self launched at the job and then it is done and out of the way. There is no brooding or worrying about the prospect of a task which is what can happen when there is a plan. And now I am thinking, "The best-laid schemes o' mice an' men Gang aft agley." So in some ways, one can't win well with plans.

I understand that from the human perspective, it is sometimes necessary to make plans. For example, I booked my Yaris in for its six-month maintenance visit so on a particular Thursday, I plan to show up at the dealer with my car. However, making that booking also just sort of happened. I had it in mind to do it and the reminder sat on the kitchen island for a few days and one afternoon, it just happened and suddenly I had an appointment. No fuss or bother. Easy as pie.

So I continue to muse why it is that I have become so relaxed when life throws curve balls at me. If I were suddenly diagnosed with cancer or given a tremendous challenge to tackle, I might feel nonplussed. But the little things really are become little things.

Namaste

LONELINESS

Krishnamurti says, "There's no escape from loneliness: it is a fact and escape from facts breeds confusion and sorrow." I am not yet certain whether he is referring to loneliness he is feeling while staying in Italy, or if he means loneliness in general. I think the two are the same for whether loneliness occurs while staying in Italy or shopping in a busy Canadian mall, it is the same feeling and arises out of a sense of separation from Infinite Mystery. I don't feel lonely very often, but when I do, I tend to resist it which of course makes it worse and is what Krishnamurti implies when he mentions what happens when one tries to escape from facts. As soon as I realize that I am resisting it, I will attempt to make friends with it and observe the feeling of emptiness. An aside: as I typed that previous sentence, I could almost here Adyashanti making some comment about emptiness being a normal part of truth.

Contemplating loneliness raises questions for me. Why can one be going merrily along through life when loneliness suddenly rises up out of one's depths? What brings about a sudden sence of separation from Source? It is probably some mental activity: a wish for something else maybe, that happens so quickly in the mind, the thought not even being completed, and the gut reacts with the separation of loneliness. But from what Krishnamurti is saying in the quote above, and in unquoted passages from before and after this quote, loneliness may be an intrinsic part of human existence and it just is. I will have to ponder this further or wait until I am more advanced spiritually before I can understand loneliness better.

Meanwhile, yesterday I did another search for Adyashanti groups in the hope of finding one that is fairly close to me and I am in luck. There is one in Chemainus that meets one Sunday a month. I fired off an email to the person in charge and hope she will invite me to join. Well, actually and honestly, I have no emotional attachment to whether I am invited to join the group. This may seem a little odd, that one would reach out to a group even though one doesn't care what the response will be. I don't know why this is so.

Krishnamurti also suggested that joining groups and controlling people and all the other games that egos play with each other are attempts to avoid loneliness. Interesting and I see his point even though my desire to join an Adyashanti group is driven by a desire for informed answers to questions I don't yet seem able to answer by my Self:
     "To commit oneself to some organization, to some belief or action is to be possessed by them, negatively; and positively is to possess. The negative and positive possessiveness is doing good, changing the world and the so-called love. To control another, to shape another in the name of love is the urge to possess; the urge to find security, safety in another and the comfort. Self-forgetfulness through another, through some activity makes for attachment. From this attachment, there's sorrow and despair and from this there is the reaction, to be detached. And from this contradiction of attachment and detachment arises conflict and frustration."

I interpret the above quote from Krishnamurti's Notebook as examples of how humans combat loneliness. It reminds me of my mother who deals with this feeling of separation from source by being needy. The more needy she is, the less family and friends want to be around her. Thus, her neediness is counterproductive to what she is attempting to achieve.

I just learned that my college classmate who is of a similar age as me and either has or was about to celebrate his fifty-sixth birthday, and who teamed with me to fix up a filthy little daycare for toddlers in Kathmandu, died of cancer on Monday. I find it curious that I did not know he had cancer and in the last couple of months, I have been thinking about him more than usual and last week as we drove by the hospital where he died, I was wondering if he was close by, maybe in another vehicle. I also wonder when he learned he had cancer and if I intuited that and if my bout of recent twelve-hour depression was some psychic information about him that I unknowingly drew from Universe, but couldn't interpret. This brings me back to the subject of loneliness and whether or not one sometimes is picking up on feelings of loneliness in others and thinking it is one's own loneliness that is afflicting one. I think we pick up on "vibes" of others more than we know.

Namaste

Krishnamurti

While I was doing the weekly chores for my mum, I paused to browse her bookshelves in search of her four-of-five volume set of Mme Blavatsky's Secret Doctorine. Unfortunatley, I was unable to find it, but I did find Krishnamurti's Notebook. Apparently, this publication was created out of Krishnamurti's spiritual journal which he kept for some months. As I read it, I realize that it is a little like me blogging, only Krishnamurti had far more insights and interesting spiritual experiences to report than I seem to have. Well, he is/was very well known and for good reason and I am a nobody which is how I like it: unless I get called to be otherwise, which I think would be satisfying. But that is likely the little me that thinks that: the true Self wouldn't care, and I do know that from the few occasions I have had it come forward and run my life for several hours.

I had stopped my meditation practice for about ten days, and have decided to resume it. While I say I stopped it, I never go a day without finding many moments throughout to contemplate, and most of the time, my mind is focused on spiritual matters. When I say I meditate, what I really do is try and suss out my true Self and attempt to be It while I am doing whatever it is I am doing. I still find it easier to have a still mind during the evening. And for the most part, during the evening the mind seems to still itself without me doing anything to quieten it. I will be relaxing and suddenly realize that I am at peace and my mind hasn't yammered for a while. I then bask in this quiet which has come all over me, effortlessly.

Back to Krishnamurti's Notebook: I began reading a page or two per day in lieu of Goldsmith. As I have only been reading it for two days, I haven't gone very far with it. I decided to read it in small bites so that I only have a small amount of information to digest. As I am struggling with what I am supposed to do next, I really appreciated the following:
     "To do something for its own sake seems quite difficult and almost undesirable. Social values are based on doing something for the sake of something else. This makes for barren existence, a life which is never complete, full. This is one of the reasons of disintegrating discontent.
     To be satisfied is ugly but to be discontented breeds hatred. To be virtuous in order to gain heaven or the approval of the respectable, of society, makes of life a barren field which has been ploughed over and over again but has never been sown. This activity of doing something for the sake of something else is in essence an intricate series of escapes, escapes from oneself, from what is." (Krishnamurti. Krishnamurti's Notebook. 49th).

I am glad I typed this out here as I found my Self delving deeper into it. I was at Canadian Tire about ninety minutes ago and saw that they are looking for a sales person in the garden centre. I am tempted to apply, but at the moment, I would be doing it for the money and not for any other reason. Interestingly, a couple of days ago I received the intuitive word that it is time to bring out the spinning wheels and knitting needles and create a sleeveless sweater for next winter. I cannot describe how surprised I was at this as all passion for anything fibre died years ago. I have hung onto most of my equipment in case, and have used it here and there and have been knitting dish cloths every month or so.

I find it curious that my response to the suggestion that it is time to take up the fibre arts again, is skepticism. I am skeptical because I cannot decide if this idea to create comes from the Infinite Mystery, or the little me. According to Adyashanti, if one is busily rationalizing something, it is because it has arisen out of the little me. I have to admit, though, that the suggestion to create a sleeveless sweater popped into my head from nothingness and was not a byproduct of a brainstorming session or any other mental exercise designed to solve a problem. I felt pleasure at the thought and wonder if that too is a product of the little me, or if it is really the true Self responding favourably to the Infinite Mystery. Either way, making my Self a sleeveless sweater for next winter fits in far better with the philosophy laid out in Krishnamurti's passage than working at the garden centre of Canadian Tire, even though one wouldn't provide income, but the other one would.

Namaste