Wednesday, February 29, 2012


Fear continues to be an issue. What is fear? Where does it arise from. It is turmoil in my body. An uncomfortable feeling in my chest and tummy. A roiling of energy. A yucky feeling. No, not yucky. Just very uncomfortable. Why do I interpret it as uncomfortable; this feeling. Why not feel it as normal and okay. Why am I trying to escape it. What is the basis of fear. What thoughts are giving rise to it. Why is it there, even sans thoughts. Or so it seems. I don’t understand it, really. Something to do with lack of trust of what. Self. Is it about trying to have control again. Not having control. Feeling as if I am a victim in all this. A puppet. What is behind the fear. It is like an overlay. How does one unoverlay something. What is this fear trying to tell me. What is it trying to force me to do. Escape it, really. Rather, I need to experience it, which I do. But I want to experience peace in my body. Fear is not a peaceful experience. It is unsettling. Labels, labels, labels. I should be thinking that fear is. Now I am showing signs of resistance to fear which in turn will cause the fear to persist. I am looking for strategies to overcome fear. That is not accepting it. I must sit with it. Accept it. Or should I be trying to deal with it. If I could expose what is causing the fear, I might be able to do something about it. I can’t seem to heal it. I must turn the problem over to universe. Only You know what this is about and how to remedy it. Maybe it doesn’t need remedying. Maybe it is normal and perfect. That is what I am supposed to see in it. However, I don’t actually groc the idea. Why should I put up with something that is so uncomfortable and so persistent. Why shouldn’t I want to be done with it. Why shouldn’t I continue to try to exorcise it. Fear of what. What is this energy called fear. Lack of love. Lack of love of what. Self. I don’t know that that is it. Separation. About separation, I suppose. what am I separate from. Is it this false self. Is it part of the whole. no, it is said that it is created by others. But others and i are one. So technically, I created this sense of separation. I gave it to myself from what I perceive as outside of my self. If this ego evolved through contact with my selves in other guises, it still means that I created it, although it doesn’t seem like that. Now, if this is a dream and these are dream characters, and this ego is part of that dream, what is real. I have experienced the realness. If everything is perfect then surely the dream is perfect. Is it really a game that the universe or whatever is playing with itself. I can understand that some of this or all of it is about theuniversal energy knowing itself better. What better way then to interact with one’s self than to split into numerous parts and have them interact with each other. What does this energy universe get out of all this. I suppose that it is not for me to know as I reside in human form, unless universe decides to reveal it to me. I can’t stop thinking about satori and what that feels like. It is a feeling. And experience. A MO. What is that first thing. The awareness. How does it figure into all of this. I am not coming up with any revelations here. Only more questions. Am I not supposed to find answers during this process. I suppose I am doing the wrong thing. Using the wrong approach. Messing with the wrong idea. I am supposed to be looking at specific ideas, maybe. But this is my awakening. I can play with whatever is pressing, can’t I. fear is my greatest obstacle. Why am I regarding it as an obstacle. Maybe it is a blessing. It is definitely something that I want to escape and it is driving part of this show. I must learn to be grateful to it. Thank you fear, for being what motivates me. Nothing motivates me more than you, except when you cripple me. But I have learned that it takes action to overcome fear. Dealing with something. That often alleviates fear. What is the purpose of fear. It usually serves to save one’s buns. Fear is about failure and harm happening to one’s self. Fear is about separation. It is because I cannot see the full purpose. Only a small part of it. I cannot see the whole picture. A small child is not afraid. It doesn’t know about fear. It feels uncomfortable when it is hungry, thirsty, cold, soiled. It doesn’t know the sorts of fears that assail older people. It has nothing to lose because it hasn’t yet been given an ego. At least, it hasn’t accepted this ego. The ego is still in the formative process for the child. So what is it like. Why does this child feel so safe and secure. Because it trusts in something that I don’t trust in. in the child’s mind, there is no question of its security. It is. It functions. Everything is okay. It is acceptable. Looked after. Nothing. What does no self mean. Fear. What is it. What causes it. It is a feeling. An uncomfortable feeling. It is no good parroting I am one with god or universe. I am just saying it. Somehow, hoping to programme a belief. What is it about beliefs. They are flimsy at best. We don’t need beliefs. We need knowing. Knowing that I am one. Knowing it with dead certainty. Knowing that this is one big game or play. Knowing this with absolute certainty. Trusting. The universe is dealing with my financial needs. My survival. It has never let me down, except to dissolve a marriage that I thought I dearly cherished. What was that about. But it was for both of us. He needed to be adventurous and I needed stability and a home. Why did I need this. Because I love my family and children and wanted to remain close to them. Because I wanted to fashion a life for my self. Because ultimately, I really had no control or say in the situation and it was a choice made for me by some greater power or maybe it was made by that awareness that I am to benefit me. It might have something to do with the balance of the world or universe. It is probably not for me to know the answer at present, but to accept that it was what had to happen for whatever reason. I seem to want love with human beings but am not willing to make the sacrifice to have it. Some part of me still cherishes the ideas of love and sex and a relationship. I don’t want to become somebody I am not, again, in order to have this. Better I stay single. And I certainly don’t want to be a slave to somebody or beholden to them in any way. What is fear. What is it about. Insecurity. My level of fear. How is it. Where does it come from. What gives rise to it. Is it strictly ato do with the ego. Maybe, it is to do with the ego, and when the ego is put to rest, one experiences love or peace. No ego; peace. Could this be it. Unravel or dismantle this ego. The conditioning. Programming. Peace. I can see that. Intellectually, I think. That would leave fear to do with survival which I think is natural fear and cannot be destroyed as it is in place as a survival mechanism. Or maybe, even that can be overcome for true acceptance of god and universal oneness implies that annihilation of body and self are perfectly in order and acceptable. Thy will be done. Thy will be done. Not my will. Allow flow. Watch what it does. How it flows. Be interested. Be aware. It is no good doing spiritual autolysis on something like my passions because they are pretty much over and done with. I cannot get passionate about anything. I can feel bliss when I stand in my kitchen, looking out at the garden; birds at the feeder; the sky; the scenery. I feel fliss when I am hanging out with my children. I feel bliss when hanging out with small people. I feel bliss when I eat a lovely dinner or sip an excellent cup of tea. Bliss when I stroke my dog or cats. Bliss when I am out walking. Bliss is a desirable state.  Bliss happens. It doesn’t seem to arise from thought. It is something that happens in the moment. When I am focusing on what is happening right now. Bliss can be hands in warm dish water; rolling bread dough driving my dear little car; listening to music; drumming; unraveling a particularly difficult game of Freecell. Bliss is unique. It arises. Yes, it arises in the moment. Bliss can be manipulated, I think, just by using all my energy to focus on the moment. This implies that fear is really when one is not in the moment. I wonder.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011


I don’t know what’s wrong with me these days. I feel tense, no ill with fear. Why afraid. What is causing this. It is lack of control. Not being able to control my environment. Control issues again. I thought we had sorted this one out. I am supposed to be relinquishing control. Not having any. Sitting in the passenger’s seat. Leaving the driving to the universe. Why can’t I sit back and relax; let it all happen? What am I afraid of? It is fear around survival, I think. Will I survive this? Can I give up more? Why do I have to give up more? I gave up so much. Always more, more, more. It is worrying about giving up what I need to survive. Yes, I think survival might be the root of my fear. Ego isn’t in the forefront of this. Why am I afraid? Why? Why? What does it matter if I die? It doesn’t, does it? That’s the worst that will happen: I will abandon this body. And that’s wonderful. Free. Or do I value this experience of living far more than I think? Do I actually care about this life? No, not really. It doesn’t feel like it. I think I value it, though. I value the opportunity to experience life. I know I will eventually die. I accept that. I am afraid of becoming penniless; having family take all my resources leaving me depleted and with no energy or funds. But has this happened? Am I worrying about something that might never happen. Probably. It is now. How is now? It is wonderful, if I let it be and stop worrying about a situation that might never happen. Why can’t I see the adventurous side of life? Mum was great today. Oh, I want her to be happy, but I know that her life is hers to live and what will be with it will be. I can’t teach her or learn her lessons for her. Those are for her experience and her development and evolution. She has to have them and marry them with her being. It’s the same with everybody including me. Why am I struggling with this gnawing feeling in my stomach and chest? I don’t like it. Is it true that the feelings of fear are similar to the feelings of love, physically? Joy always feels so light and fear so heavy. But that’s not true entirely because I know that no physical body and no physical feelings of emotions is so light and free as to be highly desirable. Why am I feeling fear? I must sit with it for a few minutes: simply experience it. EXPERIENCING. What is the truth? What is the truth of this feeling. I know it is fear. Fear of what? Fear of death? More the fear of living a life of suffering. I am suffering right now, or at least, that’s my label for it. I must try and think positive about these feelings of tension in the chest and abdomen that cause me to breathe shallowly. I wish I could figure out what is giving rise to these feelings of fear. What is my mind and thinking doing to create them? How is my mind working? What am I saying to my Self. I am basing my fear on past events. These events are over and done with. What is to say that the future events will run similar courses to past events? Nothing. There is no truth in the idea that because the past was shitty, the future will be the same. Besides, even though the past was shitty, I survived it and wasn’t totally miserable and could have experienced it with less suffering than I allowed my Self. I am not dead in the physical sense. It is time to be fully awake and alive and free of this shit. It’s fucking awful. How did I let my Self be programmed? How is it that I have come to believe that I cannot handle something, a situation, that I don’t have to handle. I just have to sit back and watch the Universe unfold and manage what’s going to happen next. It is no good wishing or trying to change anything. Rather, I must accept that what is is what is and be happy about it. What the universe sends my way to do is what I must do. Stop fighting it. Embrace it. For whatever reason, these are experiences that I am meant to have. I must have some sort of aptitude for it or maybe I am supposed to be developing an aptitude for this stuff, whatever it is. Why can’t I see that the absurdly difficult isn’t difficult at all, I don’t have to do anything as such, but be an instrument towards Its accomplishment. I am an instrument and I have no control. I am a puppet. I wish I could see my place in all this so that I could appreciate my roles and Self better. I am not trusting whatever is to manage my life well for me. I am lacking trust. I am afraid. I haven’t got this passenger seat thing sorted out yet. I am still trying too hard. How do I stop trying? How do I get rid of this fear? I am hitting a brick wall when it comes to troubleshooting the problem. I cannot find a label. Maybe I don’t need to find a label. Can’t I just be afraid without labeling it or needing to find a cause? I am afraid. But really, I am not afraid, but my ego is. That is the part that is having the problem. Why suddenly so sad. I am close to tears. In fact, they are welling up in my eyes as I type and my breathing has changed. I am feeling very sad. Very hurt. What is this about? Why do I feel emotionally hurt? I don’t know. I am grieving for something. A loss of self or the separation more likely. I can’t think of anything more to write. I have dried up for a moment. I don’t know that I feel any better: just very tired. Very used. Why do I let my Self feel used? If we are all one, then only I can use my Self. Nicholas, Mum, Andrew, Victoria, Sadie, Cherie, Laksmi, Shanti, are not using me. We are in a dance with each other. Let’s dance. So we aren’t really in a dance with each other. Rather, it is self dancing with self. It feels like we are dancing with each other; seems like we are dancing with each other; but it’s all one and it’s dancing with itself. Waves of sorrow keep swelling up in my bosom. Why? I don’t know. I wish I could really understand at the level that this has to be understood so that it is grocked. I want to know the truth and be one with it and understand. I guess words can’t help me. Only that inner knowing or knowing wherever it is located in this being. Probably not in the physical body. In the mind maybe. I must be more awake than I give my Self credit for as there seems to be less and less to deal with, ie, experiences and memories. Nowadays, it seems to be impressions that are abstract and unnamable. It is nebulous. I don’t know why I am feeling afraid; just am. Fear around not having enough to survive, really. Not enough energy. Not enough money. I don’t have to have these fears. I need to trust whatever that it will all be okay and that everything is perfect, however it is. I hope that my inner guidance will hear what it needs to hear. I sometimes wonder if it has lost its hearing or is it just that nothing is coming to mind that needs attention. Having said that, I am amazed every time I get an inner nudge to get up and tackle a task. I am so tired half the time. Is that necessary? Why don’t I have huge amounts of energy? I suppose that if I were that energetic, I would be constantly seeking amusement and useful pursuits; I don’t need amusements and useful pursuits in the way I thought I needed them. Maybe it is programming that still needs eradicating. Programming to be useful and busy and all that stupid stuff I no longer have any interest in. I don’t know.

Friday, August 19, 2011


When one listens to sound without judgement or description, just listens to it, one finds that the essence of the sound mingles so completely with the essence of one's being that there is no separation. They are one.


Thursday, July 21, 2011


I have decided to have another go at A Course in Miracles. I have tried it before, been part of a "Course in Miracles" discussion group, and infrequently take the book off the shelf to read a snippet of it. I am using it to attempt to keep my Self focused on my spiritual development. I am being distracted by my garden which, in its own way, is a spiritual experience. I think that I will always take moments during my walks to indulge in some brief episodes of mindfulness and meditation. This is because it has now become a habit and I enjoy it. Lately, I have been drawn to look up and wallow in the beauty of the sky, cloud patterns, and the many hues and shades that predominate therein. So now, while walking Sadie, I look up and have to remind my Self to look down so that I don't trip or slip.

I continue to be extremely happy. I am finding it easier and easier to forgive and even appreciate some of the more troubling difficult characters that have participated in my life and that I have allowed to hurt me deeply. I am also relishing taste, visions, sounds, scents, and sensations in a way that I have never done before. Many times a day, I find my Self thinking how absolutely wonderful and amazing is it for my senses to receive so much pleasure and I give thanks.

It is encouraging to see my mother doing so well. Since we have been placing high protein shakes in her bathroom for her to enjoy shortly after she gets out of bed, she has become a vital being who has regained possession of her mind and strenghtened her spirit. Even better, my mother herself notices her improvement, understands that it has to do with ingesting nutrients early in her day, and has become proactive about managing her nutrition and health. Such a change: in early May, I gave her five months in her condominium before we would have to move her into assisted living. Now I give her years.


Tuesday, July 12, 2011


Today I am noticing a subtle shift. Actually, I think I was noticing this yesterday. It probably isn't anything to do with being spiritually awake, but I am writing about it anyway because it is interesting to me and I think that it is something that I should make an accounting of.

What precipitated this is that I have been spending a lot of time On-line, especially YouTube, trying to clear up some questions I have. One was about the rhesus negative aspect of my blood group. There were few answers there and lots of questions still remain. I did learn that my low body temperature is normal and is related to the rhesus factor. I also learned that Rh - tend to experience more fatigue than everybody else and that it has something to do with oxygen. If this is the case, I can stop spending huge amounts of money on this and that vitamin and this and that mineral in the hope that I will have more energy. Instead, I will simply have to come to terms with the fact that I am able to sprint but not run a marathon, which I have known since I was a young woman, but hoped to be able to change. This also goes with my B blood group. I also learned that the eyes are more sensitive and I must say that I never go out in bright daylight, be it overcast or clear, without a hat with a good brim that is blue on the underside. Yes, blue is the trick for me and seems to do a better job of shading my eyes than any other colour. Apart from that, I surmised that rhesus negative was designed for a cooler climate and that is probably why I don't like baking on a beach and why I sleep best in a cold room.

As I was looking at all this information, the business of ETs came up. I certainly think that ETs explain the sudden advancement of mankind from primitive man to modern Homo sapien. And I have one other mystery in my life that I have never been able to clear up: was it a small UFO or a white truck sitting on the highway in my lane in front of me at about 80 meters distance (it was early morning in October and still dark), facing me with two headlamps that behaved more like spotlights pointed at my car, that suddenly took off sideways across two lanes of highway and vanished into thick forest while travelling at quite a clip? Oh yes, where the highway meets the forest there is a three meter drop off or bank. If I were driving over a bank into a forest, I certainly wouldn't try to get my car to go sideways and in that light, I probably would tackle the problem carefully and slowly.

With this immediate revisiting of the UFO issue, I have found myself appreciating more than ever colour; music; natural sounds; flavour; texture; my animal family members; the landscape before my eyes; and even the human race, despite everything it does. In fact, I would say I have just acquired a newfound sense of kinship and love for the human race. We will see how long this lasts, but it is very unusual. I am presently able to forgive humans for their flaws and errors, as perceived by me. Most unusual for me and a very pleasant state of mind and harmony to find one's Self in.