A Difficult Time; Too Many Conundrums

I am having a very difficult day, today and have stopped the warfarin. I simply cannot get my life to work in any way that is satisfying for me. I can't even think what satisfying would be. I have tried. I have not tried. I have studied spiritual material; meditated; prayed; read blogs; attempted to find forums only to find that appropriate forums are so user unfriendly that I haven't a clue how to use them. I have contemplated joining groups in my town. I know that this won't really help as I sense that I am difficult to be with in a social setting. I don't want to small-talk; I don't have much of anything to contribute in the way of conversation; I am not interested in one-upmanship; and I certainly don't want to have to fit in to get along with people.

Usually when I attend groups, there is an activity like knitting that allows me to be in the presence of others while not actually having to engage with them. When I attend these sorts of functions, I constantly have the impression that others might see me as some sort of dark cloud or unpleasant company as I am usually so silent and appear to be keeping to my Self. What is actually happening is that I am enjoying the energy of other beings and don't feel the urge to interact with them. If people need help with their knitting, because I am fairly accomplished, I am quick to step forward and give guidence and explain technicalities. I then sink back into my silence and continue to enjoy the surrounding energy.

I have been applying for more jobs. Nothing is happening. No interviews. No job offers. My life is stuck. Stagnant. It sucks. I keep chastizing myself for the way I feel which is lonely, impoverished financially and energetically, and without hope. And apparently powerless to change anything. This is the worst: no power to make anything happen. If I had power of the appropriate nature, things would have changed by now. I have put so much effort into changing my life and it is no different to the way it was months ago. I have grabbed at every carrot dangled in front of my face only to have Universe snatch it away.

The only thing I might have power over is this body and I am ready to give it up and move on. I keep remembering and thinking about those first few moments after physical death and look forward to them. What freedom. I can't wait.

Namaste