LIFE

I haven't posted for a few days, but that doesn't mean that I have turned my back on my spirituality. Rather, I continue to attempt to relax into what is. I am presently listening to (it has been paused) Adyashanti instruct a satsang participant to pay attention to what is going on in one's life as it is probably a reflection of or related to a spiritual insight that one has had. Adya claims that every time a spiritual seeker -- this probably means everybody whether they know it or not -- has a realization, life sends in lessons to support it. It is up to the seeker to identify the lesson and learn it: these are not Adya's words, but my interpretation of this teaching. I am still of the opinion that I am powerless and have to relax and give my life over to the control of Source, and I think that that is what Source is presently trying to teach me to do. My emotional discomfort or depression is being caused by my inability to accept what is and allow it to be, as well as a misguided belief that life isn't doing what I think it should be doing.

I also feel a little unsettled -- and this is a lesson that I am having trouble learning -- by the presence of my son and his paramour who are in a difficult and unhappy place in their lives. They cannot come up with the money they need to move and nobody, her family or mine, is able to help them very much. I still struggle, at times, to remain disconnected and distant when loved ones are hurting. I really ought to speak up and offer them some guidence: I can see from experience and wisdom gained in my life, how the Universe was trying to work in their lives and they could have chosen the rosy up-and-up path. But as for my insights, these are adults and she has a Masters degree and I really don't think they can "hear" anything I have to say and unless they solicit my opinion, I am tending not to give it. I did suggest that they could buy a cheaper car as there were some good used models for sale, and when they have worked for a while and saved up a bit, they can then buy a suitable vehicle for the north of Canada, and they should probably consider that they will need a vehicle apiece. But they are set on a Mazda truck that's for sale in Duncan which they cannot afford, and she cannot, more likely will not, envision anything else. For me, it would create huge relief to go for something really affordable, think inexpensive, and keep any debt incurred by the move, as low as possible. In the early 2000's, we drove a 1980 Toyota. During the four years we owned it, we put lots of miles on it and it was faithful to the core. During that time, it only needed a new radiator and tire change. So buying an older cheaper car doesn't necessarily mean that one will make up for the savings with repair costs.

I gather she has student loands and other loans co-signed by her parents, and they are about to apply for a loan that will allow them to move. I guess I am of the wrong generation: except for purchasing a home, I don't believe in loans and I believe that one should earn what one wants and if one can't earn it, it probably isn't meant to happen. In my opinion, loans are very difficult to pay off and my son and his paramour are totally naive to think that even a small loan will be easily dealt with, and I personally hate paying interest and don't want to saddle my son with it. If the paramour is happy to deal with interest on loans, she can have it.

These two adults have never shown any ability whatsoever to pay off anything and if I hadn't helped them out, they would be in bankruptcy by now. I am nervous to co-sign a loan, but have said I will co-sign a very small one, have given them an amount that I think I can handle should they default, and we have yet to go to the bank and see if they can make it happen. My son's father is against anybody but her parents co-signing the loan. It is interesting that nobody else trusts these young people, either, which doesn't give me any confidence. But really, the feelings in my gut are causing me to be incredibly cautious.

I wish I could figure out a way to isolate my Self from negative energy. Sometimes I am good at it; but with these two young people, I am losing to their anxiety or should I say, picking up on it so strongly that it feels as if it is my own anxiety.

Namaste