As I walked Sadie up the little hill outside my home, I contemplated something that Adyashanti talked about. Unfortunately, I cannot now remember what he said that I wanted to try and understand. I do remember that what I came up with is that if one believes a thought, one's body will react with an emotion. Maybe Adyashanti said something about it being okay to think, just don't believe what you are thinking. I was then trying to differentiate the difference between thoughts that are believed and those that are not.
Later this afternoon, after spending some of Mother's Day whiling away the time, I began to feel disgusted with my Self. I was feeling disgusted because I was not doing anything productive. For most people, productive is usually conjoined with a wage. Although I earned my wages yesterday because my mother got the days of the week wrong and had stripped her bed and done her laundry, I also view productive as doing something useful which usually means something that human egos consider to be extremely important like dusting the house, scrubbing out the toilet, cooking, mowing the lawn, or painting the house. I was doing none of this and some of it like dusting and sweeping the bathroom floor, if I were behaving like a good human ego, wouldn't have gone amiss.
I eventually became so disgusted with my Self that I was able to stand up, put on my gumboots, grab the recharged battery from the recharger, and go into my garden where I spent twenty minutes -- the length of time the battery holds a charge -- waving the string trimmer over the possessive goutweed and around planters and stone edgings where the grass was becoming long and unruly. I then spread more newspaper on the goutweed which may be futile judging by the number of places that the goutweed has punctured thick wads of newspaper and broken through. After this, I weeded one corner of the island bed. Because of all the rain, the earth is still very wet and great clods of it stuck to the roots of the dandelions and buttercups, and it had to be chipped off with the sharp edge of a trowel. I cleared enough that I was able to plant four charmingly pretty pansies.
Sadie showed up and I knew that she wanted her supper so I cleaned my tools and scrubbed out the plastic pansy pots for recycling and arrived in the kitchen a few minutes before 1800h. I felt so good about my Self and this is causing me a bit of a conundrum. I cannot decide whether going outside and being productive satisfied the Ego/ Little Me, or was inspired by the Infinite Mystery. On the one hand, I may have been inspired; on the other hand, the Little Me may have been reacting to the disgust I felt, which might have arisen from thoughts that the Little Me was thinking, and was pressuring me to escape from the period of inactivity. I suppose that if I had simply risen from the couch to go into the garden rather than fleeing a feeling of disgust, I would have been acting on what Source wanted me to do. Adyashanti might suggest here that I could not have got up and gone into the garden unless Source did want that of me. And what actually generates thoughts?
One positive note: I was able to spend a good bit of the afternoon out in the garden, as well as taking Sadie for a long walk, and my eyes and face aren't itching or swollen with edema and I took only one Aerius this morning, so either the huge quantity of Multi-B vitamins including B-12 are beginning to pump up my red blood cells, or the tree pollen is dwindling. I keep forgetting that the reason why I have been indoors so much of late is to avoid the tree pollen and try and reduce the swelling in my face and around my left eye so that I can use it, especially if I have to drive over to my mother's place.
It is all a little confusing. I suppose I am applying too much mind or overthinking it. Why am I worrying my Self about this? It is silly, really.
Namaste
No comments:
Post a Comment