Why had I "bought" into the idea that being idle is a waste of time? After all, Sadie, Shanti, and Laksmi sleep for much of the day and night and they don't seem to think that their lives are meaningless or worthless for it. I realize that I have some work to do here, maybe. I am still confused about the business of processing bothersome troublesome "stuff" and am not convinced that processing it is what needs to happen, and I certainly have not found a method that guarantees results and freedom from these burdons that we have innocently cultivated. As for idleness, I am never truly idle. What I should write is that I am enjoying life, but I am not doing what my parents would term, anything constructive or productive. I am certainly not bettering anybody else's life as far as I can see, although my mother would say otherwise.
I admit that I even enjoy my idle time which is quite an accomplishment as I had to learn to allow my Self to derive pleasure from fun activities and even allow my Self to participate in enjoyable activities. When I was married, I was terrified my ex would catch me doing something that he didn't approve of. As it so happened, I kept my Self busy with housework and mothering and rarely had time for me. I worked from 0600h until 2100 or 2200h most days of the week including weekends. Every six weeks or so I burned out and was unpleasant to be around for a couple of days and then I would "get it together" again and continue on. If I had strong urges to do something that I wanted to do, I usually managed to overcome them or ignore them.
When I saw the Johnny Depp dramatization of "Don Juan DeMarco
," I was amazed when Faye Dunaway told Marlon Brando what she was going to enjoy about retirement (I think that was it, although I might be inaccurate here and have interpreted what I wanted to interpret from the film, and not what really was said) and was surprised that she had any idea what she wanted. I was amazed because I had for so long neglected my Self and my interests that I didn't have them any more. I knew that if I were in Dunaway's shoes, I would meet retirement with confusion and "what do I do now, because I certainly don't know how to enjoy life? Truthfully, I think that part of this was that I didn't know how to let my Self enjoy life. To be fair and honest, throughout my marriage I had passions for gardening, knitting, spinning, weaving, writing, and my animal friends. I learned to enjoy my children's activities, even baseball. But everything I did was based on how convenient it was with regards to everybody else's needs and schedules, mine being the least important as far as I was concerned and as indicated by my husband on the two occasions when I got distracted by a fibre art project and the garden, and the fire in the wood cooker went out, and supper was an hour late.Somewhere between 1999 and 2004, probably around 2003, I signed up for an On-line course on stress and burnout and learned that I needed to put variety into my life to prevent it. I did this: I began to play Spider Solitaire on the computer. Then I learned about Bejeweled. It was like exposing a dry sponge to water. I couldn't get enough. And lo and behold, although I was now playing games for five hours a day, I was taking care of all my duties and was happier for it. That was quite a lesson. I think the games energized me and I was more efficient and got through the work faster. My ex was away a lot, visiting astrophysical observatories and associated technology departments in France, Florida, and Victoria and I was able to relax and not fear his sudden arrival. I also took up Tie-Dying, soap-making and candle-making, and had a lovely time with that. The soap I could justify as we used it and my sons' and my skin do not like commercial soap.
So there I was: I had learned to play, but I used it as a reward and something to do between the hectic pace of all my chores. And here I am, with plenty of idle time and so uncomfortable about it -- this is when the mind turns on and suggests that something is wrong with this picture and life shouldn't be this way.
I find this very interesting: when I finish a project, and I particularly noticed this when I created something major like a woven blanket or knitted sweater or a gardening article for the Denman Island news sheet, I am so divorced from it that it is as if I had nothing to do with it. In other words, I might spend three days in an intense intimate relationship with a piece of cloth that I am designing and weaving and the moment it is finished, I feel completely separate and apart from it and it is as if I had nothing to do with its creation. I am noticing that this is also the case with just about everything I do. This means that although I think that I am idle much of the time, it is because I have forgotten about all the busyness that I have been involved with. I spend an afternoon serving my mother, then come home and become emotionally and mentally separated from this work for her so forget to acknowledge that I have done it. I then notice that I am idle, but I forget that I have also been busy and performed selfless tasks for my mother or others.
Recently, I was listening to a news item about a person who was out in the world doing great and wonderful things and I began to chastise my Self for having not been of service in the world. This went on for quite a while after the news item before I remembered that I had spent six weeks in Kathmandu teaching young Nepali men how to paint and frame windows, and cleaning and decorating a filthy little day care centre which turned out so beautifully that it is now used as a local community centre for adults as well as a day care. I then have to remind my Self of the many children who didn't have stay-at-home parents so came to my home and who I fed and kept overnight and drove to soccer, tennis, basketball, baseball, or paddling. I forget that I learned to keep score for Little League because I was available for games and other mothers were out working. It completely slipped my mind that I volunteered with girl guides, went into my childrens' schools to assist secretaries with leaflets and newsletters, and taught many people to knit and spin. Why do I forget these things and think that I have no right to be idle?
Namaste
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