I feel so helpless and hopeless. I have hit bottom. The last time I was this low was before we left our lovely home on Denman Island for the first time and moved to Hawai'i where my then-husband designed fancy electronic technology for a large Canadian observatory. When ex left me for his Australian girl friend, I was very angry and often sad, but I was not in this deep depression that I am in today. Why is it that he who was a very troubled angry man who beat his son and wife and often screamed and yelled at us in rage, could go to the end of the driveway and have one of his tantrums against the universe, and within two weeks have an entirely different and beautiful life unfolding for him? And here am I, loyal to a T, labouring, supporting, caring, deeply spiritual, rarely hurts anybody or thing, and quite powerless and unable to inspire the universe to show me signs and direction so that I can take appropriate action and improve my lot.
This evening, I feel truly unhappy with myself. Weekly, I do a little work for my mother folding her laundry, changing the sheets on her bed, taking out her garbage, helping her with bills and cheque writing, and sometimes cooking for her and serving her tea. In exchange, she pays me $20 because she likes to keep this side of our relationship on a business footing. As I am now receiving only $500 per month spousal support, I am desperate for those twenties. I feel guilty, because I go and help her as much for those needed twenties as to be of service to somebody who I love and feel I owe a huge debt to. I would feel far better if I didn't need the money, and could help her for the love of doing it which is what I initially did. Anyway, today she forgot to pay me and as I drove away from her place, I was in tears. I felt devestated that the universe couldn't even bother to jog her memory and help me out this little bit. And no, I would never remind my mother that she owes me $20 and I won't go to her purse and take it either.
I have pretty much decided to stop the warfarin and see what happens. Yes, this will be a type of roulette: if I am meant to live I will, but if I am not supposed to be around any longer -- my belief -- I will go. Yeah! Death from this horrible human existence. It is beyond me to find work in a small city like Duncan and I need help from the Universe and it isn't coming through with the goods. I am a woman who is beyond playing most of the games that humans like to play in order to fit in and get ahead. I cannot imagine showing passion about a job as I am not a passionate type of person and rarely feel passion. I honestly don't think I can fake it, either, as that is a form of self-deception not to mention who else I am deceiving. Actually, at job interviews, I tend to come across as calm or unflappable and unemotional. Who would want to employ somebody like that? Give a prosepective employer passion and enthusiasm. That's what they want.
Most of the companies that I am interested in working for demand electronic application and resume submissions. Their job ads imply that if one doesn't apply using their prescribed format, one will not be considered for the job. In the old days, one could put in a personal appearance and hand in cover letters that expressed far more than resumes do. These days and with this On-line system, there are very few opportunities for putting forward a persuasive argument for why one is the best candidate for the job. Nevertheless, I keep trying by sending in resumes.
I meditate, think of God/Universe/Mystery/Christhood most of the time, read and study, listen to audio tapes of satsangs and the like, and attempt various techniques for dealing with my issues as suggested by countless books I have read and authors I have listened to, and still nothing is working. Adyashanti would probably tell me that I am right where I need to be: in the doldrums. Actually, it feels more like limbo. Gangaji might say the same. Caroline Myss would suggest that I have been put in this position in order to force me to turn to God. I have repeatedly turned to God and faithfully used Abraham Hicks suggestions for long periods of time, and at the moment all this seems to be to no avail. I have become convinced that I am simply where I am because I should have died from an unrepaired aortic valve, and because I am supposed to be disincarnate, there is no future for me with this body, and the matrix or whatever doesn't have use for me in human form in its energy field.
I have been incredibly patient, waiting for life to improve and I have to say that I had one beautiful year after moving into this house: probably the best, the finest, the happiest year of my life. Surely that is good enough and it is time for me to bow out.
Namaste
No comments:
Post a Comment