Tuesday, January 25, 2011

David Hawkins on Worries and Suffering

Me is Dragging; Life is a Drag

I haven't been in this deep a funk since my married days. Last night while listening to Adyashanti (Dying into the River), I heard Adya tell his audience that some people wanted a road map. They wanted to be told when to turn left; when to turn right; what to do. I am completely guilty of that. I want so badly for somebody to hand me a guaranteed formula for success. Imagine if one could come up with this; one would make a fortune. And this morning in my reading of Goldsmith's Practicing the Presence, I was reminded that as one's spirituality evolves, one will receive this information through inner listening. I think that this idea is portrayed extensively in The Alchemist. Maybe I should read that book for the third or fourth time, or listen to it on my Ipod? I am desperately seeking solace which I am not finding very well from going within. Even sitting quietly with these unsettled feelings during my morning meditations is not helping.

I had a wonderful weekend, though. My sister came over from Abbotsford for three days and we hung out with our mum. The distraction was helpful as it gave me a break from my concerns. But now life is back to normal and I am yet again confronting the problem of my dwindling finances and the feeling of separation from source which, I am sure and according to many spiritual teachers, is the reason for feeling so deeply unsettled.

Having thought this, what also crosses my mind is something said to me by Caroline Myss. She told me, during a telephone conversation with her during one of her Hay House Radio shows, that feelings of anxiety and worry are really one's intuition pressing one to take action and put things to right. I have spent the last week, and preceding months, taking action. I have applied for jobs, asked a family member in the computer business to let me know if he comes across any computer data entry jobs that can be done from home, and spent hours on the Internet trying to discern the difference between genuine survey jobs and scams. Now I am battling with feeling of low self-esteem because I believe I have sunk really low to contemplate even doing this sort of work.

I am just about to start an occasional job, reading to a young man who has adult baby syndrome. This is challenging for me as I am not trained in people with this syndrome, but I have a college diploma in human services. If I can pull it off, ie. allow him to be as he is and not pass judgement or try and change him, I will probably have benefited my soul growth.

I have started reading Peter Erbe's God I Am. It is very interesting and reads as if it is channeled. It is quite technical and slow, and I can't imagine listening to it as an audio book and taking any of the information in. As it is, I have to read paragraphs over and over again to understand what he is saying. I am sure I will have more to say about it as I read it. A lot of the information is supported in other books I have read, so I am not finding it unbelievable, but I may find some of the scientific information to be challening. God I Am is proving to be very interesting and I am glad I am reading it.

Namaste

Thursday, January 20, 2011

I CAN'T FIND WHAT'S MISSING

I have spent the last few days struggling to figure out what I'm missing. In other words, if it's so easy to wake up, why am I not doing it? If God is right there, closer than my breath, why can't I find it or figure out what it is? What is meant by the kingdom of God within? Is this a myth? What does it mean to seek first this kingdom? What am I looking for? What is the nature of it? Is it that pins-and-needles feeling I have when I focus on the energy that is flowing within my body? Is it that "thing" that is looking out through my myopic eyes?

I read Joel Goldsmith daily and when I have finished Beyond Words and Thoughts from cover to cover, I will move onto another book of a similar nature and likely by the same author. The subjects that Goldsmith has been harping on have inspired the questions in my opening paragraph. I meditate, contemplate, think, attempt to listen, and come up with nothing. Well, there is supposed to be nothing (but everything according to Adyashanti) when one finds it. I am struggling mightily with this and I understand from many teachers that this, too, is a mistake: to struggle. I try to let it go and allow and either I am too impatient -- likely -- or I am still not doing the right thing so nothing is happening.

In the last few pages, Goldsmith has been discussing the "as you sow, so shall ye reap" philosophy. He talks about sowing to the spirit in order to reap of the spirit. What on earth does this instruction mean? How does one sow to the spirit if one has no idea what one is sowing to? It is all too vague. Somebody should write an instruction manual. If I figure it out, I will write an instruction manual. But I am coming to the conclusion that all spiritual instruction manuals are personal to the people who write them and can't be used by anybody else. If they could, I would be awake by now. I can't count the number of authors and guidelines that I have followed only to become disillusioned and give up. And when I give up, I feel nervous that maybe if I had stuck it out a little longer, I might at last have had success.

Maybe life isn't supposed to have meaning?. Maybe one is supposed to struggle? If one is part of God and if God does the work, maybe it is God who is struggling or living a meaningless life and one has to accept that that is how it is? I am so confused right now. Where oh where can I find a really good instruction manual for all of this?

Namaste
Gillian

Friday, January 14, 2011

Incorporeality

Today in Beyond Words and Thoughts, Joel Goldsmith explains the nature of incorporeality, according to his discernment of its meaning. According to various dictionaries, incorporeality means without a body or substance. The idea is that an existing something can effect matter, energy, or the physical even though it doesn't physically exist in the actual manifestation of the effect. Some would say that the human body is empty of God, but that God motivates it. This might be an example of what is meant by incorporeal.

Goldsmith mentions a fruitless banana plant in his garden. Although there are no bananas on it yet, there should eventually be bananas. Goldsmith suggests that although we don't see any fruit, it must exist: I think he is referring to the belief that there is a thought before something becomes manifest and that the though must exist. Therefore, in order for there to be bananas on the tree, there has to be a thought (thought is my human word for something I don't yet quite understand) for bananas on that tree. He goes on to say that the bananas will appear out of consciousness. He then writes and I quote:
     "From this, you can know that all supply is incorporeal. When it appears visibly, we attach a corporeal sense to it, but it is as present now as it ever will be. Consciousness is the fabric and the substance of all form, and consciousness is incorporeal. As it manifests, we attach a corporeal sense to it, but it does not necessarily have to be that way."

As I try and not be concerned about my finances and attempt to figuratively sit back and allow the universe to feed and shelter me or guide me to a source of supply, it is helpful for me to come across more "grist for this mind-mill" as I did in this morning's reading. Goldsmith is requesting that the reader not yield to the temptation of using the sort of common sense that is available to the human mind. Here is a quote about money:
     "For example, when you are using money -- whether spending it, giving it, or doing anything else with it -- do not accept the belief that you are passing it on to somebody else, because you are not. There is only one Self, and you are only transferring that money from your right-hand pocket to your left-hand pocket. You have just as much after you have given it away as you had before, because you did not give it away: you transferred it from one pocket to another, or you transferred it from one bank account to another, but it always remains in your name. What name? The name I, I."

Reading this reminded me of a mind technique I used to use, but has mostly fallen by the wayside, and also has caused me to adopt a new mind technique. Over a decade ago, I was sitting on a beach in Buckley Bay when I heard a jet. I looked up and when I saw the little bit of silver and its accompanying jet stream, I imagined all those lucky people who were heading off for a wonderful vacation. I then had to be truthful and realized that some of those passengers might be going home for a funeral, or fleeing a broken marriage, or on their way to some work-related event with powerful people that one feels the need to try and fit in with and with whom, one is always protecting one's true nature for fear that it might be off-putting to some professionals thus attracting negativity. I made the jump from feeling a little jealous of the people who were actually up there and enjoying a chosen happy exciting adventure to realizing that if we are all one "thing," even though I am physically down here on a cold Pacific Northwest beach, I am also up there in that jet. This thinking was quite an illumination for me. I have applied it to many situations, especially anything that might cause me to feel jealous or envious. I should also apply it to people in natural disasters, unnatural disasters, and victims of every sort, but mostly I choose not to.

And likewise, a few years ago I finally "got" that money is something that should be passed on; kept in circulation. I realized that whether money seemed to be with me or somebody else, it was actually with the whole. I also learned to feel gratitude for everything I purchased and all the people who made it possible for me to have whatever it is that I buy. I realized that, considering that we are one, even though money didn't appear to be in my little place in the universe, it was still benefitting my oneness or me as a collective being. However, these are words, and I think it must be true, and when I suddenly understood the left pocket/right pocket idea, I felt in my gut that it was true. It's just that from my human standpoint, the physical evidence still seems to affect how I think about my financial situation.

I even realized that money is energy and a symbol and one can't eat it. In other words, money is a means to allow me to feed and shelter myself. If I should come by food and shelter by other means than through money, I have been blessed. I have a lovely little home and I have food, so in its way, Universe is doing its part to keep me supplied and I have to learn to focus on that, and not on my bank account. This is very difficult for me to do, and I don't know why. I have done quite a bit of autolysis on this subject and sometimes I think I have made progress and sometimes it feels as if I have lost my way and even digressing. I know that my trust in God/Universe is still shaky, and I have to develop this.

My new mind-technique is this: as I went about my day, today, I carried with me a sense of I. Whenever I remembered, if I used the word I, meaning when my mental chatter said I in context with an action, I thought of I as being the true self and not my fictitious self. As I walked, type this blog, drove the car, and cooked dinner, I thought that God/Father is doing this work; not me. In other words, I am attempting to think of I as my true self or God/Goddess and not as me, or little me as some people like to think of it. It was quite an interesting exercise and I had the quaint sense of beginning to feel something new in my being every time I thought of I as God. Goldsmith likes to remind us that "my father doeth the work," and this is how I am attempting to interpret the word I.

Namaste

Thursday, January 13, 2011

I Want to Kill the Buddah ...

metaphorically, of course, and all my spiritual teachers: for the moment, anyway. Over the last two days, I have been experiencing a time of disillusionment and spiritual confusion. This is normal for me as I have episodes like this every few months or so. It is difficult to describe how I feel, but it is like some sort of spiritual breakdown or exhaustion. It comes on after intense work with my spiritual development: reading; meditating; practicing the presence; trying to keep together and implement all the bits and pieces that the various spiritual teachers who I study, recommend one do to enhance one's spiritual life and evolution. For months and most of my adult life, I have been doing the proverbial live, breathe, eat spirituality. I am tired of it and don't feel any further ahead than I was years ago. I also feel a lot discouraged.

When I am in one of these funks, I am filled with questions: who is right? do I allow the universe to control my life? should I be watching my thoughts so that I don't manifest something unpleasant? does it matter what I think, except that negative thoughts make for a less than cheerful life? how do I know or have that feeling of oneness with all that is that the pros talk about, or is it to remain an intellectual exercise? what is real? is anything real? what is truth? how should I proceed? should I give up on spiritual development (as if I can)? am I wasting my time? what am I missing? what us the Kingdom of God and how will I recognize it if and when I find it? and so on...

I am almost a little depressed by it all. So much effort and then this crash, almost of hopelessness. I have been here before. I know that, in a day or two, I will pick myself up and continue. Or maybe I won't this time around. No, the spiritual path  is stuck to my feet and I can't shake it off. I know I should relax into how I am feeling and experience it. I have spent months doing that, and I am not convinced that I am better for it. Yes, relaxing into a feeling is a useful technique and usually ends in removal of the discomfort. I think I am bored. Bored with life. Bored with waiting for the Universe to show up or show me what to do next. Almost in tears. I feel so much pressure from external human forces to come up with something. Nothing is coming to mind. How does one fix boredom when one hasn't a clue what would fix it? I guess I am supposed to accept it and bless it. See, I am still being spiritual, despite my spiritual temper tantrum.

In desperation and as a complete break from the monotone of my life, and while I wait for something to show up that needs doing, I watched Phantom Menace. Every second year or so, I revisit the Star Wars collection just because I enjoy it. I don't know why I chose to do this today, but it seemed a little naughty and I hoped it would be therapeutic; watching a movie in the middle of the day: me, a person who weilds heavy self-discipline upon herself and wouldn't normally allow herself to indulge in any sort of viewing except tennis, equestrian events, and Olympics, during the light part of the day.

I had forgotten about the little bits of spiritual wisdom that pop up during various dialogues. It was good. But what was awesome was that I was watching, almost with frustration, Jar Jar Binks on the battlefield. This after watching his antics throughout most of the movie, so by the time of the battlefield scene, he had racked up something of a negative judgement from me. And I suddenly saw something. Here was a character who is somewhat simple and clumsy and goes about his business and while doing this, the Universe is using him/ able to use him to accomplish whatever is necessary. What an amazing demonstration of how to live one's life. Here are all these other characters expending huge amounts of energy to accomplish their tasks, and Jar Jar Binks doing his bit which is very important to the outcome of the battle, and accomplishing just as much as anyone else through no fault or effort of his own. Everything he does is by accident, but it always works out perfectly. He is almost like the Universe's puppet; never seems phased by anything; doesn't realize or notice how he has helped or been used to help a situation; is quite humble.

Namaste.

Sunday, January 09, 2011

Stilling the Waters

This morning's reading from Beyond Thoughts and Words was dealing with the concept of the kingdom of God within one. As a consequence, before my morning meditation, I contemplated what the kingdom of God might be. The word "peace" came to me. I then reviewed my dream about being dead and my initial awakening experience in order to remind myself what inner peace felt like. I came to the conclusion that it is my lack of inner peace that is what I have to rectify. In other words, to find the kingdom of God within, I must eradicate all sense of unease. I think I now understand that it is to achieve this goal of inner peace that Jed McKenna recommends the use of autolysis.

As I hung my laundry to dry, prepared and ate breakfast, and washed my dishes, I considered to think about this and realized that I am constantly being bombarded by feelings of anxiety and fear. I realized that I need to find a method for expelling the cause of these feelings, from my being; a method that works for me, whether it be autolysis or contemplation or by the Grace of God. I am beginning to see what McKenna means about being a spiritual warrior and battling all the people, thoughts, and indoctrination that attach us to ideas that evoke emotions and prevent a state of inner peace.

Byron Katie has a process in her book Loving What Is, but I am not certain if it is the formula that will work for me. However, I do appreciate her instructions to find out what is true -- McKenna and Adyashanti concur with this -- and often use it to work through a problem. What has worked for me is free writing in which I don't follow a formula, but follow my train of thoughts and often at some point during the process, I am given clarity and I often end up with some form of emotional discharge, and I do feel better for it.

Namaste

Friday, January 07, 2011

Joel Goldsmith on Grace

In this morning's reading of Beyond Words and Thoughts, Joel Goldsmith developed the subject of Grace. I quote:

     "Again I must remind you that turning within can only be for Grace because the moment we think of forms of architecture, amounts of money, or plots for plays, we have lost It. The kingdom of God has none of those things. The only thing that the kingdom of God has is Grace, and as we turn within for Grace, that Grace will appear as the form necessary to our experience."

As I am still contemplating Grace and what it is all about, I found this paragraph to be particularly helpful, although it resembles the information that came to me as I was contemplating It, the other day. Particulary poignant is the final clause of the last sentence: "that Grace will appear as the form necessary to our experience." This fits so well with the information that Grace is a blessing or something that pleases the soul. As the soul is designed to evolve and I think that anything that helps it do this is a blessing and pleases it.

Two paragraphs later, Goldsmith writes:

     "We cannot go to God for forms: we cannot ask God to design a house for us, to heal a disease, or to sell our apple pies. We go to God for Grace. This is the substance. If a person is an architect, Grace will appear as the new forms he needs; if he is an artist or a designer, Grace will appear as the skill and the designs; if he is a metaphysician, Grace will appear as healing. Whatever any one of us may need, Grace appears as that form. Bur for us to go to God to learn how to make apple pies would be a failure because it is not God who knows anything about apple pies or how to make them: it is God's Grace that reveals to us how to make apple pies if that happens to be our need.
     When you turn within, turn within for Grace. It makes no differnece whether you need health, wealth, or ideas, you go to God only for Grace, and that Grace appears outwardly as the form necessary to your experience."

This information, what Grace is about, is helpful to me. At least I now know what I am asking God for or what it might look like when it shows up in my life so that I can express gratitude for it. On the other hand, I have read and learned much so don't ask God for anything anymore, but trust that God knows what I need and will provide it. This can be challenging, trusting God to take care of everything, but I try very had to adopt the attitude of allowing God/Universe to know what I need and to take care of it.

Namaste





After writing in a blog about my experience with working with small children, I continued to ponder how I had felt during those many mornings when I was bored, coupled with filled with something that can only be described as joy. Although I was working with memory, and enlightened people tell us that memory is over and done with and not real, I found this pondering very useful as it seemed to help me differentiate what might be of the soul from that which was of the ego or false self. If I am to destroy this false self, it is going to help me to know what it is I am destroying so that I don't waist time trying to squash the wrong thing.

Tony Parsons

Thanks to some information on a blog, I am going to read Tony Parsons's book, The Open Secret. While I wait to receive my copy, I spent much of last night on Youtube listening to interviews with and talks given by Tony Parsons. Very interesting. The more I listen to awakened ones talk about what it is like to awaken, the more I am convinced that I have experienced this state. I find myself agreeing with various descriptions of it and realizing that others have as much difficulty describing it as I have describing the strange event that I experienced. I will continue to search for information about what it is like to awaken until I am convinced that I either did or did not have this experience.

I sometimes find seeking in isolation to be challenging. It would be helpful to dialogue one-on-one with somebody who has experienced awakening as a means to confirm whether or not one has experienced it. So if anybody is reading this blog and wants to talk about this in an open forum or privately by email, I would appreciate some assistance. Everybody who has succeeded says that it just happens and those twenty minutes that I experienced six years ago were exactly like that: one moment I was ego-based and the next, it was as if I had stepped back from something and was operating out of an entirely different state or dimension. Some awakened people imply that that was it and I awakened and Adyashanti says that some people get a taste of it before the real thing happens.

I know I am profoundly different now to how I was a few years ago, but I know I have not returned to the way I was during that earlier experience. I have become less flappable, almost emotionless, devoid almost of passion, disinterested in almost everything, but still very curious and am perfectly capable of feeling anxious. But the false self or ego is still very much around, or maybe it isn't. This is where it would be so nice to talk about this with somebody. Yes, there must be ego happening as I flinch when my mother suggests I cut my hair although I wear it short, and feel a little hurt when I dress up nicely for an occasion and she tells me that it is not enough. At times like these, I recognize that I am reacting in my emotional centre and from the false self and either write or feel my way through the problem.

Last night, ss I lay in bed waiting for sleep, I listened to Adyashanti talking about the experience of awakening. Talk about waking up: I suddenly realized that the annual family gathering to be held this Saturday had been cancelled due to flu that has infected the bodies of my sister, niece, and their families. This meant that I could attend Distaff Day instead. I had wanted to go to this, but because it conflicted with my family engagement, had decided I would have to give it a miss. At 0100h, I could stand it no longer so got out of bed to see if I had a spinning project that I could take so that I could joing in the spinning circle. I found that I needed to free a bobbin so I spent some time plying approximately 145 yards/metres of three-ply. Once I had freed a bobbin, I wound the lot onto a skein winder. I say I am rarely passionate which is true, but I felt a deep sense of joy as I worked at one of my hobbies which, at one time, I would have referred to as a beloved hobby. Now and most days, I can take it or leave it.

Even Laksmi and Shanti got into it and took up supervisory posts in the living room, and Sadie jumped onto the couch and slept beside me as I worked. I went to bed well after 0300h so had a very short night. This is the second time in the last few weeks that I have been inspired to get up after midnight and perform a task. I wonder if this is commonplace for others who are seeking. I know that it is quite normal to wake at 0300h and many people use this as an opportunity to meditate. I don't feel too tired for this short night, but expect I will need a nap towards evening.

As there is a potluck, I have just finished making my contribution of a quiche. While I was preparing it and everything else for Distaff Day, my son and his significant girlfriend went into town to do some banking. On the way home, they were the third car (it's my car) in a chain reaction rear end collision. In other words, a truck ran into the car behind them and knocked it into the back of my car. Fortunately, my little Yaris has barely a scratch on her left rear bumper, but in case there is a problem with a light bulb and I have to replace it, or I decide to touch up the paint, I went through ICBC's claim process. It is interesting that I was very little concerned about the state of my dear little car who I cherish, even before seeing the extent of the damage which is minimal, but I was very anxious about the process of putting in the claim. It was a new adventure for me and I wanted to get it right, so maybe that's why I was concerned by the process. Everybody who I have listened to who has awakened, says that being awake doesn't mean that one is free of fear and anxiety, but it is easier to manage. If how I handled this incident is an indication of things to come, I am grateful.

Namaste

Wednesday, January 05, 2011

Grace

Joel Goldsmith frequently recommends that one ask God for, or invoke, grace. I decided that although I thought I knew what grace was, I had better contemplate it and see what I came up with. Thus, this morning's meditation focused on grace. As I contemplated, it came to me that grace is a blessing and I asked what that meant and I got that it was something that, in this case, pleases the soul. This didn't fit with my idea of what grace is.

I felt confused by this explanation and questioned Universe as it didn't seem right that grace is a blessing and something bestowed upon my soul to please it. Rather, I thought that grace is some sort of God-given shot of positive energy. I received a mental lecture from Universe on keeping soul and humanhood apart and was told that what pleases one's soul might not please one's humanhood. In other words, something that helps the soul evolve is delightful to the soul, even if one humanly despises it. I remembered an example: when I was doing one of my college practicums which centred around helping at a parent and tot drop-in programme, the human part of me was sometimes quite bored, but after about thirty to forty-five minutes into each morning session with these small children, another part of me found itself delighted and beaming or shining with joy. I can only think that this was my soul being touched by all the energy of these bright clean souls that surrounded me. Illness (and pain) is another experience that I don't enjoy, not that I am very often ill, but it is possible that my soul derives great pleasure or growth from the experience.

This experience is also interesting to me because it highlights my humanhood and how I view the world from the false self's perspective while showing me that there is another part of me that is having quite a different experience. In other words, it shows me that the ego or humanhood can be feeling one thing while the soul is being energized by something quite different. It is not very long ago that I probably would have only noticed that I was bored, and paid no attention to the part of me that was delighted by the energy field of these small bodies. Now I can see that the boredom was a figment of my ego or false self and did not touch my soul. The experience also indicates an aspect about me that needs work: I have to learn how to allow boredom to die into the abyss, or discover the steps I need to take to rid myself of it.

Actually, how I felt after being with those toddlers for a few minutes reminds me very much of how my father looked for a brief few minutes, a number of days before he died. During the last month or so before his death, it seemed to me that part of him (soul?) stayed away while his body failed. The term, "nobody home," came to my mind often as I was helping him, even though he remained lucid, able to communicate, and seemed to feel emotions and demands of his body; however, there was something quintessential that was missing from him, for most of his final month. On the occasion a few days before his body died, he took my hand and thanked me for all I had done for him. As he did this, a peace and joy emanated, no, shone, from his face. He was quite transformed, despite being so ill. I am certain that I have radiated similar qualities when my body was feeling that something is boring or tedious or I am not enjoying myself, while at the same time everything seemed right and a part of me was indescribably happy.


I have just finished looking up an On-line definition for grace and here is what I found, minus some unrelated definitions, verbal conjugations of the word, and including theological and non-theological definitions:

–noun
1. elegance or beauty of form, manner, motion, or action.
2. a pleasing or attractive quality or endowment.
3. favour or good will.
4. a manifestation of favour, esp. by a superior: It was only through the dean's grace that I wasn't expelled from school.
5. mercy; clemency; pardon: an act of grace.
6. favour shown in granting a delay or temporary immunity.
8. Theology.
    a. the freely given, unmerited favour and love of God.
    b. the influence or spirit of God operating in humans to regenerate or strenthen them.
    c. a virtue or excellence of divine origin: the Christian graces. 
    d. Also called state of grace, the condition of being in God's favour or one of the elect.


9. moral strength: the grace to perform a duty.

As I read these definitions a number of hours post-contemplation, I realize that I have always defined grace as 8.b.: the influence or spirit of God operating in humans to regenerate or strenthen them. Now I realize that during my contemplation, I was told that it is 8.a.: the freely given, unmerited favour and love of God that is appropriate to me at the moment; however, it is only in retrospect that I am understanding 8.a. What first came to me during my session of contemplation, was definition 2.: that grace is a pleasing or attractive quality or endowment. It fits with the realization that endowment for the soul doesn't mean that my humanhood necessarily likes something.
This experience has been a great trust-builder.

Thank you Universe
Namaste

The Word of God: Ramblings

This morning's reading from Goldsmith's Beyond Words and Thoughts began with a discussion of God's Word. I decided I didn't really have a good and clear definition for what is meant by God's Word so I explored my mind a little and remembered that decades ago, I had been sitting in on an Anglican clergy discussion group about God's Word. I remembered hearing that word had somehow been mistranslated and the original translation should have been work. As I read Goldsmith, I corrected word to work and this gave me a slightly different interpretation of what Goldsmith was writing about. Follows is a quotation with word rewritten as work:
     "Contrary to all human belief, supply is the work of God, and unless we are receiving the work of God, we are not receiving supply. 'Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every work that proceedeth out of the mouth of God.' Bread alone does not suffice. No, we live by every work that proceeds out of the mouth of God. Daily we pray for bread, but not for baker's bread. We pray for the bread that is the work of God, and the way in which we receive it is to open our consciousness to receive that Work which is the bread of life, the meat, the wine, and the water."

What a difference it makes to this passage if each word is rewritten as work. I then had to contemplate what was meant by work. The first thing that comes to mind is the first law of thermodynamics: work is heat and heat is work. What does this mean to the quote, above? In my mind, heat is energy and physics. Therefore, when Goldsmith suggests that "supply is the work (word) of God, he might mean that supply is the energy of God. Is energy Spirit? I want to figure this out so that I know what I am looking for or at least, where to look for it.

Of course, Goldsmith might really have meant to use word in which case, I presume that he is talking here about being in a state of listening so that one can receive guidence. God's guidence doesn't always appear as words or thoughts, though. Some people report receiving hunches and outward signs as being God's guidence to them. Others suggest that emotions or sensations of fatigue and hunger, are also God's guidence. Maybe even fear is a communication from God. If God is communicating to us through these other methods, then surely It is using work (energy) as much as words to guide us? It certainly makes more sense to think of bread as being the work of God, rather than the word of God.

If I have any chance whatsoever of understanding instructions in spiritual books, I first have to define what is being really said. I remember hearing that works such as Essene gospels and a book I read decades ago and which title I have forgotten, but remember that it was about an Englishman's exploration of Sufiism, suggest that there are three levels of interpretation to these books: a story level for everyone, and two other levels that can only be understood by those ready to understand them.

I am still attempting to figure this passage and the rest of this morning's reading out, although I am sure that advanced students of the Infinite Way and similar teachings would say that there is nothing to figure out. I know from this passage that one is supposed to be focusing on receiving God's grace and finding the kingdom of God within. Seek you first, etc. Still, my humanhood thinks it needs to derive meaning from all this so that it can get it right. And I know that those very same advanced students of the Infinite Way, etc. would tell me that there is nothing to get right. Yes, I intellectualize this stuff and that is supposedly not necessary; however, in order for all those advanced students to teach and write, they too must have intellectualized what they had discerned so that they could share it.

Monday, January 03, 2011

Time for More Colour: Another Fractal

I See It at Last

Less than three minutes ago I was reading Jed McKenna's Spiritual Warfare. He was talking about how circumstances in his life unfold. For example, he had put a bid in on and nearly purchased a house only to have the sale fall through. Shortly afterwards, the house of his dreams came up for sale and he bought that instead. I was mulling this over and thinking through the multitude of strange seemingly out-of-control circumstances that have happened to me and how everything has always eventually worked out.

My mother, who is ninety, probably won't need my help for much longer and during the last year whenever I have contemplated this, I wondered what I would do when she died: would I be lonely living here in Duncan? I haven't busied myself creating a circle of friends or any other reason to live here: she is it. True my middle child and his significant girl friend have moved in to my little studio and he has quickly, in only two-and-a-half months, found volunteer work that inspires him, been to a Christmas party, and has finally been offered a paying job and is supposed to begin work on Wednesday. He is beginning to display eagerness about life and is making plans which equates to hope.

When I met, fell in love with, and bought this house, I had a hunch that this son would eventually live in my studio. I hadn't predicted that my married daughter would first need it for a year so that she could be closer to a college where she did an LPN course. When she moved out and back with her husband, I asked the universe what purpose the studio had now as I was certain that my middle child had established himself in Vernon and wouldn't be needing it. Wrong. Vernon became a very difficult place for them to live, denying them solid paying jobs, good health, and affordable rent. When the bathroom of their appartment began flooding every time it rained and the ceiling lights started falling out, they decided that Vernon was giving them the boot, so two months after my daughter no longer needed the studio, they moved in. Often, I know, but I don't know that I know or rather, I don't accept that I know.

It was having my spousal support more-than-halved before I was financially able to look after myself that has sent me into a tail-spin of anxiety. I wondered why the universe would do this to me at a time when everything, after four difficult years, was finally looking rosy. As I read McKenna's words just now and was comparing his notes with my present experience, I suddenly had a flash of insight: the universe is forcing me to find another purpose in this community so that I am emotionally taken care of when it comes time for my mother to leave and/or no longer need my help. Thank you, Universe.

Namaste

What are Fear and Love Really About

This morning, I was comforted to read in Beyond Words and Thoughts, that one should focus on one's spiritual practice and evolution and respond when the universe summons one to help somebody. This is how it happened yesterday when my elderly relative called me to go and help her, and as I read Goldsmith's words I wondered if it was she that called or Universe/God. Technically, she was at the other end of the telephone line, but I don't yet understand if it was spirit that moved her to make the call or her own need. I really am not yet certain about this: how much Universe/God is behind our drive, motivation, action, and how much is just us. Adyashanti has implied that God/The Mystery is behind all our actions. If one takes a quantum view of God, Adya's statement would be true.

A lot of Joel Goldsmith's address today was about how the Christ lifts consciousness and that is the only way that the things of the world -- humanity -- will improve. If one leaves it to consciousness nothing will happen or improve as indicated by human history. I think I have a semantic problem here as I thought that consciousness was awareness or God and now it is being suggested that it is something else and that it needs to be influenced by the Christ in order for humanity to find better kinder ways to treat itself.

After my reading, I went into my daily meditation planning to meditate on what I had read. To do this, instead of attempting to still my mind as I usually do, I tried to work on inner listening, but used questions related to the reading to focus my attention. Somehow, the quote, "Love yourself as I have loved you" popped into my mind and I decided that I would explore that and try to figure out the nature of this type of love. I remembered that modern spiritual teachers harp on the idea that there is either fear or love. I then turned my attention to fear as I know that too well and if I can understand what fear is not, I will know what love is. I know what love is in terms of how I feel about my mother, sister, children, dog, and cats; even my home and car. I really don't know what it is to love myself, truly.

A lot of people suggest that how we treat ourselves is a sign of how much we love ourselves. I have become much better at acting respectfully towards myself, but this is mostly towards my body and its physical needs: I keep it clean; try to feed it with nutritious food, something that I find challenging, not the nutritious food part but the actual feeding of my body as I sometimes find eating to be boring so don't get around to feeding myself as often as I should; attempt to make it sleep during an appropriate timeslot in the day; exercise it regularly; hydrate; and now I am trying to breathe properly. And I even attend to my emotional well-being and make certain I have a good bit of fun and R&R in my life and I cuddle my pets and hug family members, especially my mother who is a widow and lives alone.

As I meditated on fear and love, it occurred to me that this wasn't entirely it. That respecting and taking care of my self and body wasn't really what was meant by loving thyself. I am sure that all of that is part of it, but really it is a byproduct of loving one's self. What came to me is that fear is of the body and physical plain or humanhood and love is of the spirit. So I need to spend some more time contemplating all of this and hopefully and God willing, I will see what is truly meant by love thyself as I love you. I am certain there is something else to this; something that I am missing. I expect that how I love myself is simply an act and as most of it is aimed at keeping the body in good order, it cannot be the love that is being referred to in the injunction to love thyself as I have loved you.

Now that I am convinced that love thyself has something to do with spirit and Christhood, I need to get the feel of it or experience it as it is really meant and know that I am experiencing it. After my dream of death and the twenty minutes I spent experiencing what it was like to awaken, I know that fear was nowhere to be felt and that is one of the main reasons that I felt at peace. In the death experience, it also helped to feel peace because there was no physical body and that caused me to feel extremely light and free. It is amazing how heavy and emotional the physical body can feel at times. I haven't finished reading Michael Newton's trilogy, but so far, nowhere have I read that somebody experienced fear when they were disembodied and between lives. Other states are mentioned such as love and freedom and lightness, but not fear. Apparently, there can be confusion, especially after a life spent harming others or experiencing unexpected sudden death. But I am certain that one can be confused without feeling fear. So maybe it is true and that fear is strictly related to the human body or physical state and a Christ sort of love is related to the spiritual state.

Namaste

Sunday, January 02, 2011

Waking Up Alone

I am curious as to what my spiritual journey would be like if I did it all on my own: no books, audio tapes, contact with instructors of any sort. It is my understanding that the ultimate goal is to become good at listening to Universe/God so that one can figure things out. Sometimes, I get practical suggestions from Universe/God. For example, one day when driving south to Victoria, I was suddenly hit with the question -- for me, the best instruction seems to appear in my mind as a why question -- why don't I turn off at Helmecken Rd.? This question arrived with the excitement of the prospect of adventure. Immediately, my practical nature piped up with the argument that by turning off at Helmecken, I would be adding twenty minutes to my journey. So I continued south towards the exit I usually take. As I came around the last corner, there was an automobile collision at the intersection in the oncoming lane. As a consequence, I had to sit in a left-turn lane for forty minutes while the dented cars were removed to allow flow of traffic. This wouldn't have been so challenging if I had been the only one in the car, but Sadie was with me, too and it was August and despite being lightly overcast, baking hot. Knowing that dogs don't do well in hot cars, I had to open doors and I even leashed her and stood with her on the median. Fortunately, I had water for her. By the time I drove through the intersection, I was joking to myself that if I had listened to the Universe, I would have been home twenty minutes ago.

Occasionally, I get spiritual guidence or suggestions from Universe on what I should be doing to enhance my spiritual practice that will help me progress towards enlightenment, but it doesn't yet flow as it obviously has done for Joel Goldsmith or does for Adyashanti, Tolle, and Jed McKenna. I guess that this is partly due to lack of something or other on my part: not listening tentatively enough or cluttering up the air waves with mental mind chatter or not being ready for more messages than I am getting or maybe the Universe thinks I just don't need more information yet. I am quite certain that many enlightened awake individuals of the past had no outside help to attain this state. Jesus had nobody human to help him.

This morning as I meditated, I tried, as always, to adopt a listening attitude as suggested by Joel Goldsmith in Beyond Words and Thoughts and in some of his other published works. However, all I could hear were birds in the garden, the refrigerator, Sadie licking her paws, and two cats fighting. And this despite having tried to adopt an attitude of inner listening. And of course my mind wandered a little, yet again, so there was some interference from mental chatter. In my experience, it only takes a split second for Universe to insert practical guidence into my mind and it seems quite capable of wedging it in between the incessant mental chatter that fills my mind, so I am not convinced that a still mind is totally necessary for receiving information.

Ten minutes after I broke from meditation, Universe decided to be benevolent: an elderly woman who employs me to assist her telephoned and asked me to go this afternoon and help her fold her laundry. As I am grateful for every opportunity to help another human being, I said yes, and as my bank account is looking emptier than I would like, I am feeling gratitude for the money. I know that I am approaching this situation from humanhood and it certainly doesn't fit with a passage from my morning reading:
-- "The goal of the mystical life is to be a beholder of God in action, a life in which nothing is ascribed to one's self, not even good motives. As for desire, there is none. There are not even needs because every need seems to be met before one becomes aware of it as a need. This is living by Grace, but you can live fully by Grace only as that selfhood, that which has a desire, a hope, or an ambition, disappears." Goldsmith, Beyond Words and Thoughts

How difficult this all is. Maybe this is where one uses autolysis as recommended by Jed McKenna. I am intrigued by the idea of autolysis and have used it for big problems in my life such as trying to get over my ex who I still love while at the same time feeling totally cheated and betrayed by him. But I really haven't used this tool for dealing with mundane things such as anxiety over job hunting. There are some good examples of how to use autolysis in McKenna's second book, Spiritually Incorrect Enlightenment. I gather that one uses autolysis for exploring and disconnecting from and annihilating everything to do with the false self: dismantling the ego.

Sometimes, and this is happening a lot these days, I become totally confused and cannot figure out how to move forward with my spiritual journey. Maybe I expect too much and want to see signs that I am progressing, even though I have been told by many "experts" that it can take a lifetime of effort before one produces a sign that things are working. I am so driven. Am I addicted to this stuff? I don't know. I sometimes wonder. If what I have read is true about having to dismantle the ego, I can't see how anybody but an addict would have the energy or the drive to pull it off or succeed.

Adyashanti recommends not doing anything and it will just happen: one will just wake up one day. How does he know that all those years of effort he made meditating and practicing Buddhism didn't help him to awaken? I expect I am as driven as he was as I can't seem to let it go. Thinking about spirituality and puzzling over how to make it work for me, pervades my life: that and the latest concern about my finances. I hardly ever stop thinking about either.

And there was a strange experience I had in 2005 or thereabouts and I now wonder if this was a taste of what it is like to awaken. It literally did just happen, as Adyashanti says: "It just happens," and lasted for about twenty minutes. And in retrospect, I have had at least four similar experiences. Really, there is no way to describe it. It is easier to say what it was not than what it was; how it was not than how it was. It was evening, around 1900h, and I was sitting at my ex-mother-in-law's dining table with my ex and her: my marriage hadn't yet fallen apart. I think we were drinking weak tea as there is a constant flow of weak tea in that house and it is used to accompany most visits. My ex and his mother were talking when I suddenly experienced a perception shift. It was like I was suddenly in the audience and at the same time I was in a movie and it was only because I suddenly found myself in the audience watching or observing that I realized that up until then, I had been in a movie. If I had not suddenly found myself in the audience, I would never have realized that I had, up until that moment, been a star in a movie. This is so difficult to explain. I was completely at ease with the situation and felt no emotion or fear and everything seemed quite normal. But I knew that if anybody found out about my situation, I ran the risk of being hauled off to a doctor to be checked out. I was determined to protect myself from this as I somehow knew that although everything had suddenly become very strange, it was okay. What was particularly difficult was that I was living in the moment to such a degree, that I couldn't track sentences. I could hear a word and know what it meant, but as soon as the word was spoken, it was gone from my memory. Not being able to string words together meant that I could not understand a thing being said by my ex or his mother. I had the thought that if I were asked a question, I wouldn't be able to answer and at that point, I might get caught out or at least, cause suspicion to be raised about my mental wellbeing. As it was, I was asked something and I had to have it repeated and I worked very hard to try and understand what was being said. I hoped I had got the gist of it and an answer came to me, but I could not formulate it into a spoken sentence as I could not string words together. Eventually, I managed to get out a short three-word reply that I hoped would make sense. This state eventually gently invisibly lifted and I was able to function again: or maybe not. Maybe that other state was functioning and the one I am presently in, is not.

If this is what it means to awaken, I can see why people like Adyashanti say that it can take five to ten years to learn to function in the world of human beings. I imagine that this is what happened to Jesus: he awakened and then had to vanish while he got it together enough that he could appear in public and not be labelled "mad." That's probably were he was for those missing ten years of his life: learning to function in the privacy of somewhere safe from prying human eyes. Adyashanti mentions somewhere that it took Tolle two years to recover from his awakening. He also says that monastaries and the like are useful places for newly awakened beings to hide out in while they figure out how to function. At the time that I had this experience, although I was familiar with the term "enlightenment," I didn't know a thing about awakening and that this is what people meant when they talked about enlightenment. So it is possible to have a spiritual experience without having knowledge or know-how. Therefore, it must be possible to have a successful spiritual journey without the aid of teachers and only one's own inuitive self to guide one.

If this experience that I had, is it, when one is in it, it is an intriguing state to be in. I felt no care or fear and, in fact, I remember it as being devoid of emotion, although I felt curious. It was as if an entire part of me had suddenly vanished. But I was still there. Life as I live it these days, ceased to work for me a long time ago and I would be relieved if I could regain that odd state or if that is not what being awake is like, I look forward to awakening anyway, however that is.

Namaste

Saturday, January 01, 2011

Jed McKenna on Letting Go

For the better part of the last hour, I have been listening to Jed McKenna talk about, among other things, letting go and allowing the universe to flow. Sounds like my Joel Goldsmith readings of the last few days. The cd I am listening to is no. 5 of Spiritually Incorrect Enlightenment. It is helpful that Jed McKenna mentions that being philosophical doesn't help a situation become more enjoyable. Towards the beginning of the cd, mention is made of The Matrix and how in one scene, Morpheus flows easily through the crowd while Neo seems to find impediment after impediment in his path as he moves through the same crowd. I have an idea of what is meant here, having experienced something similar: less mind equals fewer impediments. At the same time as one is functioning mindlessly, one is trusting Universe/God to do the work which is a concept I haven't entirely metabolized.

Later, Jed talks about energy and emotions and fear and that fear is fear of no self. I might be experiencing a glimmer of what this really means. Unfortunately, when I get one of these glimmers, I am unable to find words to express it which means that my mind is not able to make sense of it or put it in some mental slot so that I can retrieve it for further examination, but some part of me is recognizing that there is a truth here: what is meant by no self. Jed, like Tolle, Adyashante, Gangaji, and Goldsmith, talks about fear having to be surrendered to. I have learned to allow myself to experience fear. In other words, and not always do I remember to do this, but sometimes I do, I focus on the feeling that I label as fear and spend time with this feeling, experiencing it without words to describe it or involvement of the mind. I think that this is what is meant by surrendering to it. Adyashante talks about resistence and I interpret this to mean that one tries to use the mind to talk one's self out of fear or whatever is going on, with rational logical philosophical thinking. I have aced this technique and will worry a problem like a tongue worrying a sore tooth.

It is particularly towards the end of this cd that my attention is caught by what Jed is saying: about "the ego wants the goodies," and this is what hampers spiritual seekers from moving forward. According to Jed, this desire and its accompanying behaviours means that one is functioning from the perspective of a finite brain rather than an infinite universe. He also talks about "not mine, but thy will be done," which Joel Goldsmith and Adyashanti have also hammered into me. Coupled with this is "seek ye first, etc." which is becoming a mantra I use to remind myself when I become derailed -- most minutes these days -- by believing that money and the lack thereof is a looming potential disaster for me. Jed recommends that one study this ego-clad state in one's self and others; see it and learn to recognize the full nature of the ego and how it functions; and find the fear and uncover the lie that causes it, then slay it. Also, Jed states that It (God/Universe) works in our lives to the degree that we get out of the way of it.

I also like that Jed McKenna is musing about why he is at a Baghavad Gita discussion group and deciding that the universe put him there -- I interpret that his ego or false sense of self would like to be somewhere else -- because he has something to say that somebody in the discussion group needs to hear. I am struggling with a situation and I have no idea why I am in it except that I know that I have something to learn from it. I am becoming convinced that the next part of my spiritual learning, if I want to awaken, is to let go completely (surrender) and allow the universe to take charge and this is why I keep noticing similar advice in books and audio tapes. I find this very tricky as many spiritual teachers allude to this practice, but nobody actually comes out and describes what it feels like when one has got it right. Therefore, all I can do is to make an attempt at this attitude and watch for signs in the hope that they will indicate whether or not I am getting it right.

It is so difficult for me to trust Universe/God when my lifestyle becomes threatened. I suppose I need to take an honest look at these occasions and see that I came through all past threatening situations unscathed and that I need to trust Universe/God more than I do: or is it my Self that I need to trust? That's a tricky one. I guess that if the Self is Soul or God, trusting Self is the same as trusting Universe/God. It feels a little sad when one has finally got life straightened around and it has become a joy to live for the first time in decades, that one gets hit with another challenge that seems insurmountable, or rather, requires solutions that appear to be somewhat beyond one's control.

Presently, I have had my spousal support halved and I must job hunt in ernest. While I have been quietly looking for work for the last few months, necessity to have money to buy food and maintain a comfortable shelter -- all I really want as I can be quite comfortable living well below what is considered to be the poverty line -- is driving me forward in my job search. At my age, it isn't easy landing suitable work. I am happy to do many tasks and menial tasks, but my older body which is still strong and useful and does what I need it to do such as cart and stack cords of firewood, garden, and knead bread is no longer happy handling heavy weights (lifting) fulltime, or working in inclement weather (it feels the cold). I have an associate degree in human services from Camosun College and I am now hoping that the Universe will find me on-call work with a child: I presently help my 90-year-old mother and it is because she had an undiagnosed health issue that I was stalling on finding work. Once this was cleared up and I knew we weren't dealing with cancer or something equally insidious, I felt free to find part-time work and started looking.

I believe that all humans have a part to play in society and I was playing the part that I thought the universe wanted me to play. Actually, it probably did want me to help my mum as It kindly found me a lovely little home close to her and where I am happier than I have been in decades, and for many months Mum requested my assistance between three and five times a week so it was good to be only ten minutes away from her. And one night, I fell asleep asking the universe to send me an indication of what it wanted me to do and at 5:00 am the next morning, the phone rang and I was called to my mother's condo because she had slipped to the floor and couldn't get up. And I took that to be the universe's answer to my queery: that I am supposed to be living in the Duncan area and available to help my mother. And my mother says that I have been very helpful.

It is also beneficial for me to work with her as I have to learn to accept who she is which is sometimes difficult for me because she tends to play princess or damsel in distress and I don't enjoy the princess/damsel in distress type of personality. Yes, Mum is a great teacher of what it is to be accepting and to overlook the false self and see Unity and God in her. I also get to practice attempting to allow God to help her rather than me helping her and asking God for the grace to help me accept her for how she is. In other words, when I am helping her, I try to think that it is God that is doing the helping and not me and I attempt to get my human self out of the way and allow grace to help me accept and love her. This practice really isn't working for me 100% of the time, yet, but I live in the hope that I will eventually get the hang of it so I keep trying.

Unfortunately, I have no idea what Universe/God wants me to do next and I don't yet have the faith or trust to completely go with the flow -- as they say -- and see what I come up with. This must be the adventure aspect of life that Jed McKenna refers to: sitting back and seeing what happens. Or maybe I do know. A couple of nights before Christmas, it came to me that I should apply to the local school board and see if I can get work assisting a teacher or rather, a young student. I raised three children, have spent many hours in schools helping, learned to scorekeep for Little League which my youngest son enjoyed for a couple of years, did one-on-one reading with elementary school children, babysat a four-year-old (2006) for a few months and was actually thanked by him when I gave him a technique to try at pre-school where he was having issues with other children, and it worked for him. I have to say that I was flabbergasted that a four-year-old would recognize that some advice I had given had worked for him and then gave me feedback on the situation. In fact, it was because of this child that I went back to college to get an associate degree so that I could help all these people, from a standpoint of academic knowledge as well as intuitiion, who keep coming to me for help. It happened that one day in January 2006, I was listening to this four-year-old's eleven-year-old brother and I realized that he was frightened and his parents or some other adult really needed to sit down and listen to him: not just his words, but what was going on behind them. In the next breath, I realized that I should learn to help, and in the third breath, I knew that I would go to Camosun College and take whatever course I needed to take so that I could be effective. And this I did.

The universe was a tremendous help with the college idea and there was a very new programme offered by my college of choice which was exactly what I wanted, but it was so popular that there was a two-term wait to get into the course. Also at this time, Universe dissolved my marriage and highlighted a congenital heart condition that had to be dealt with before anything else would happen. 2006 was a tough year, but I came through it, even making the condition with Universe that if I survived having my bicuspid aortic valve replaced, I should do something good as a thank you. I even learned that I was employable, having been a stay-at-home mum and community volunteer, for decades. Apart from babysitting, I landed work as a head gardener at a private estate, a gardener for an organic vegetable producer, and a cook/waitress at a cafe. The cafe closed, I learned that my marriage of thirty-one years was over against my wishes, and that I needed to have the heart valve replaced or I would die within four years, in the space of two months. I tried to find work, but couldn't as nobody wanted to train me only to have me go out for the three-month recovery period after my surgery. It was a good thing I had to wait until September 2007 to start my classes as I needed September to November 2006 to recover from surgery and then, when the universe still hadn't found employment for me, I realized it must have another plan. Sure enough, my father's cancer returned and I stayed with my parents from January to March 2007 and helped him out of this world. Then, lo and behold, the universe found me paying work which I stuck with for a year-and-a-half until college became too intense to handle studying and working.

Really, I don't feel in control at all: it's all the universe that sets this stuff up and seems to know where to put me. Hence, my trust in it is being tested as my human logical part wants to know exactly what to do now that my income is going to be so drastically cut, and is desperate to find paying work and persuade somebody to employ me while knowing that all this emotional and mental investment is counterproductive and things will happen when and if they are ready to happen and according to some law of the universe. I must trust.

I have no idea how I survived financially in 2006, but I did, or should I say that Universe/God made certain I had enough. I am the sort of person that would like to have the money before I spend it, but the universe seems to think that I should spend it as needed and adequate money will show up to cover my costs. As far as my logic is concerned, this is a frightening way to live, but Universe/God has been benevolent and never let me down. I have to say that in fact it has been generous and I try and see myself as fortunate. I am rarely frivolous, so I really don't need a lot and I don't collect "stuff," although I splurge on good quality vitamins and minerals and I eat organic food whenever I can afford it.

Can one make conditions or agreements with the universe? I don't think so, or not according to Joel Goldsmith and maybe Adyashanti as conditions are of the fictitious self or humanhood and the Universe/God is not involved in that. I am still working this out as I think a bit of quantum physics might come into play here and I really don't know what sort of energy goes out from the mind when one makes conditions or agreements like that, nor what this energy might attract back to one. But I no longer think that the universe let me survive surgery just because I said I would do some good if I came through it. Rather, I think that I might have intuited that the surgery was going to help me live a useful life and I would be able to do some good for others, which I believe I have done.

Namaste

Letting Go and Allowing

I think I will be struggling with the subject (Title) of this post for the rest of my life or until I properly awaken, whichever comes first. The concept reappeared in my daily reading; still working through Joel Goldsmith's Beyond Words and Thoughts. But what really jumped out at me was the suggestion to, and I paraphrase here, shut the mind up and stop getting in the way of allowing Universe/God to do its thing. By doing this and by recognizing that God/Universe is doing all the work, one encourages a state of non-duality to be expressed in one's life instead of a me-God relationship.

Over the years, it has become very clear to me that Universe/God is in charge. I sometimes think that Universe/God will do what it will, despite me, my thoughts, and my mind. In other words, if I worry or do all those things mentioned in books like The Secret and the Abraham Hicks library that are counterproductive to manifestation, what is meant to happen will still happen. It seems that attending/intuiting/listening for guidence and acting upon it when action is called for has done me more good and been more helpful than positive thinking. On the other hand, I can see that some of the strategies taught by Abraham Hicks such as disciplining oneself to be joyful, optomistic, and hopeful benefit a life in that these attitudes make like more pleasant to live.

It has taken me years of struggle to learn to enjoy being joyful and happy. I don't know why this was, except optomism and joy seemed to find little room in a life that was dedicated to duty and struggle aimed at keeping one out of the poor house. The first house we ever bought, a two bedroom medium-priced bungalow on four acres, was paid off in just three years and neither I nor my ex had fancy jobs with huge salaries: I was a secretary and he was an electronics technologist. We both worked forty-hour weeks and every spare penny went to paying down the mortgage and our free time was dedicated to efforts such as cooking from scratch to save money and avoiding luxuries such as going to movies and buying lattes that are commonplace for most people. We hardly had time to look up and admire the flowers. Since that time, I have learned to balance my life and find joy in the most ordinary places. Just this morning, I thought I heard a robin and was delighted to think that they are back. I have yet to see one and confirm this, and I do think that they don't usually return until later in January. Yesterday, it was a heather that was beginning to pink up, despite the frost and freezing temperatures we are presently experiencing here in the Pacific Northwest: brave little thing. Oh, and last night right after December turned into January, we were treated to a chorus of boat horns from the bay below us. Yes, when I finally learned to allow myself to experience delight, I began to notice all kinds of things to be delighted about. Some spiritual instructors suggest that this is actually God/Universe noticing itself. I wonder about that.

I am still struggling with meditation and mind. I can manage maybe thirty or so seconds of no thought and then the mind gets busy again. I eventually notice and using Pema Chodron's technique and Adyashanti's suggestion to not get into a battle with the mind and thinking, I have learned to recognize that "Oh yes, the mind is busy again" and return my self to the thinkingless state of meditation. As I meditate, I cycle between thinking and stillness until I eventually give up and go about my day. Throughout my day, I try to sprinkle brief spells of stillness of mind in which I try to focus on being aware. I always try to meditate during my walks with Sadie. This morning as I meditated, I almost became frustrated with my overactive mind, and it struck me that I was struggling with meditation today so I might just as well give up and leave it to God to do. This was a strange thought and I am still a little perplexed by it. Joel Goldsmith insists that one adopt an attitude that God/Father-Mother is doing everything. I guess that would include meditating.

There have been short periods in my life when I have had a dedicated meditation practice -- I am in one of them right now -- and long periods of my life when I haven't so much as thought about meditating although I often realized that I should get back to the practice. I am sure I have detected a difference in my day-to-day living during periods of meditation and periods without meditation. I think life seems more fluid and I swear I am more intuitive or in touch with an invisible source of information and assistance. But maybe I am imagining this.

Namaste