I haven't been in this deep a funk since my married days. Last night while listening to Adyashanti (Dying into the River), I heard Adya tell his audience that some people wanted a road map. They wanted to be told when to turn left; when to turn right; what to do. I am completely guilty of that. I want so badly for somebody to hand me a guaranteed formula for success. Imagine if one could come up with this; one would make a fortune. And this morning in my reading of Goldsmith's Practicing the Presence, I was reminded that as one's spirituality evolves, one will receive this information through inner listening. I think that this idea is portrayed extensively in The Alchemist. Maybe I should read that book for the third or fourth time, or listen to it on my Ipod? I am desperately seeking solace which I am not finding very well from going within. Even sitting quietly with these unsettled feelings during my morning meditations is not helping.
I had a wonderful weekend, though. My sister came over from Abbotsford for three days and we hung out with our mum. The distraction was helpful as it gave me a break from my concerns. But now life is back to normal and I am yet again confronting the problem of my dwindling finances and the feeling of separation from source which, I am sure and according to many spiritual teachers, is the reason for feeling so deeply unsettled.
Having thought this, what also crosses my mind is something said to me by Caroline Myss. She told me, during a telephone conversation with her during one of her Hay House Radio shows, that feelings of anxiety and worry are really one's intuition pressing one to take action and put things to right. I have spent the last week, and preceding months, taking action. I have applied for jobs, asked a family member in the computer business to let me know if he comes across any computer data entry jobs that can be done from home, and spent hours on the Internet trying to discern the difference between genuine survey jobs and scams. Now I am battling with feeling of low self-esteem because I believe I have sunk really low to contemplate even doing this sort of work.
I am just about to start an occasional job, reading to a young man who has adult baby syndrome. This is challenging for me as I am not trained in people with this syndrome, but I have a college diploma in human services. If I can pull it off, ie. allow him to be as he is and not pass judgement or try and change him, I will probably have benefited my soul growth.
I have started reading Peter Erbe's God I Am. It is very interesting and reads as if it is channeled. It is quite technical and slow, and I can't imagine listening to it as an audio book and taking any of the information in. As it is, I have to read paragraphs over and over again to understand what he is saying. I am sure I will have more to say about it as I read it. A lot of the information is supported in other books I have read, so I am not finding it unbelievable, but I may find some of the scientific information to be challening. God I Am is proving to be very interesting and I am glad I am reading it.
Namaste
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