This morning, my son and his paramour boarded a bus bound for Vancouver where they will change to Greyhound and continue on to Kamloops. The Universe really wants them to be in Chetwynd at the moment and I am happy for them and know that if I were in their position, I would be relieved to at last be getting on with creating a future for my Self. On Wednesday, my son landed a job at the Chetwynd A&W and earlier, his paramour's father found a very used Dodge Caravan that they can afford thanks to a loan from my son's paternal grandmother, and which needs some fixing up, but as my son's paramour's father is a mechanic and works at an auto supply store, he can help them with that. On the last day of March, as despair coated their moods at the lack of suitable rental accommodation, they received a telephone call and notice that a two-bedroom unit was just coming available so they grabbed it. Now I am feeling a little sorry for my Self as I adjust to living alone again.
This process that my son and his paramour are going through, has been a great lesson for me. I had for a while, the feeling that my son and his paramour expected me to do whatever was necessary -- in other words come up with enough money -- to make the move to Chetwynd possible. As I realized that this couldn't happen, I fretted and felt guilty and confused. I kept telling my Self that if Universe wanted them to move to Chetwynd, it would find a way to get them there and it wasn't necessary for me to feel that I had the exclusive job of helping them. And Universe muscled together a team of support for these two people, and didn't ask me to give any more resources than I knew I could manage. I don't know if my son and his paramour see it like this; they may still be thinking that I could have and should have done more. I still have to house all their boxes and it is in my car, using gas that I paid for, that they travelled to the bus depot.
When I returned home early this morning after dropping them off in Victoria, I wandered up to the studio where they have been living for the last five-and-a-half months and checked it out. Although she is a fastidious housekeeper, there is still a bit of clearing up I need to do. I don't have much heart for it today, but I think I will rally soon and be able to face it. It helps that I love my home. I say this because if I didn't love my home, the energy might be all wrong and straightening out my studio would become a horrendous chore. It is challenging to deal with something that one loaths.
In all this is a wriggling worm of envy of my son and how easily the Universe directed and helped my son and his paramour at this stage of their lives. And here am I waiting for direction and it is not forthcoming. I continue to job hunt every day and apply for anything that is remotely appropriate for somebody with my qualifications. Forget whether or not I actually want to do the job. I am beyond that. And besides and as I have mentioned, when I apply for a job, I can talk my Self into thinking that it will be the perfect job for me and how much I am going to enjoy it. But most of the time, I know that I will be doing a job for the money and that I will enjoy aspects of it and my ego will probably feel that at last we are doing something worthwhile and that will bolster my self-esteem and cause me to feel that I have at last become a valuable member of society, as society would see it.
I realized a long time ago that one can either manifest or allow, and I chose to allow. Adyashanti has a related discussion with a curious satsang attendee who is struggling with the same dilemma and he tells her that it really is one choice or the other; manifest or allow. You can't do both. I keep trying, even though I have come to the conclusion that I have no power and if I were to manifest something, it would be because Source wants me to have it and not because of anything I have done. If I could manifest, I would manifest a wonderful interesting can't-wait-to-get-out-of-bed-and-get-going job for my Self. I have several in mind, all of which would require a considerable amount of capital to launch and which I don't have. But this would not be a problem because if manifestation really worked, I would intuit how to get that capital and I would have all the right chance meetings and the job would happen seemlessly. By allowing, a similar process would occur, except that instead of me dictating what sort of job I expect to get, Universe would find a way to turn my figurative gaze upon my next career move, or at least bump me into another human being who will connect me to a job. However it happens, I will see and know the signs. Right now, there are no signs and no intuitive hits for me. Hence, I am feeling the wriggling of the worm of envy. And my heart feels a little heavy and my life a little dead.
Namaste
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