As I continue to try and let go and allow the universe to do the driving for me, I am bewildered by my mind and how it is convinced that the end of my own little world is nigh. Logic denies this. Why, just the other day, I received my mutual funds statements and happily noted that my RRSPs are looking strong. My daughter owes me more than 75% of her mortgage on the townhouse she bought from me, and others collectively owe me thousands. I also have other mutual funds and a TIAA-CREF retirement fund, and I own my darling little bungalow. Looking at this, I should not be worrying about finances. But it's the day-to-day cash flow and the dwindling of it that concerns me. As I type this, I can feel the knot of anxiety tightening in my stomach. When I am anxious, I find it so difficult to rest in the arms of the universe and allow it to do its work. And I have experienced time and again how I have come through these periods of worry only to find that everything has quietly and beautifully sorted itself out for me. I then chastize myself for spending days/weeks/months in worry when I could have been enjoying my time in physical form knowing that the outcome, whatever it might be, is assured.
On Sunday while I was walking the dog, I suddenly had a memory of Denman Island Chocolates: I was wondering how they added the outside paper wrapper. I figured it must be a pre-glued affair which is wetted and then wrapped around the foil-wrapped chocolate bar. Then I thought to myself, no, maybe the paper wrapper is put on, then a touch of glue is added to hold it on the chocolate bar. Some years ago I had applied for a job as a chocolate bar wrapper which I didn't get and that turned out to be a good thing -- although at the time I needed that job -- because I moved off of the island, had major surgery to fix a congenital heart defect, helped my mother and father while my father died from cancer, took a job at Zellers as a cashier, then went to Camosun College for my two-year diploma in Community, Family, and Child Studies which culminated in field school in Kathmandu where I actually made a difference to a small community, despite believing that I was there because I thought that the Nepalese would change me for the better.
On Monday I noticed a help wanted ad and when I looked at the details, discovered that it was for a chocolate wrapper at an organic chocolate business not far from my home. So I applied, and tomorrow I am going in for an interview. I am quite nervous, but I remember Carolyne Myss saying that everybody is nervous when they go for a job interview: nobody is excempt, and I am trying to use that knowledge to bolster my courage. Now I wonder if there was some syncronicity going on here, and if I will get the job. It sounds as if it is somewhat flexible regarding hours which would be perfect as I never know when my mother will need my help. Anyway, I will know better in a few days whether I will be offered the job or not.
I also applied to Home Depot who is looking for somebody to work in the gardening part of the store. I thought that I might really enjoy this because I love gardening and know a lot about the subject, and because I enjoy interacting with people, but the competition ended on Monday and I haven't yet heard from them. At this stage of a job application, it is very difficult to remain emotionally detached from the outcome, especially when one is satisfying an urgent need for income rather than looking for a means to serve mankind. It is all so difficult. I must say, though, I am curious as to what Universe has in store for me.
I continue to read Goldsmith, daily, and am presently working my way through Practicing the Presence. Goldsmith seems to repeat variations on one idea; the idea that one should focus on seeking for God's kingdom within and overcoming duality: this is my interpretation and summation of Goldsmith's writings and teachings. Goldsmith says that "our true identity is consciousness, Spirit, Soul, and we are not subject to the laws of matter." He recommends that we make this effective by a specific act of consciousness and I quote:
"Spirit is my true identity. I have now come out and become separate; I am no longer of the world, even though in it, and therefore, I am not subject to the world's laws. None of these human beliefs is binding upon the child of God, the offspring of Spirit, which I am. God is the source of my being; God is the activity and the law of my being, and I consciously accept that. I am not subject to man-made laws; I am subject only to grace. Thy grace is sufficient for me."
With this in mind, as I walk the dog I remind myself that God is walking; as I drink tea, I remind myself that God is drinking tea; as I shower, I remind myself that god is showering. As I do this, I hope and fervently pray that this is the correct attitude and that I will eventually realize it to be true.
Meanwhile and for pleasure, I am also reading Peter O. Erbe's God I Am.The text has a flavour or channelled matterial. This has something to do with the tone of the work and the way ideas are expressed. I admit to being totally intrigued, thus far, by the information as it seems to support many teachers I have followed and explains some of the more abstract concepts, in a useful manner. I am still very near the beginning of the book as I find it a slow read, often having to reread passages several times in order to get the gist. Sometimes, I give up and move on and hope to "get" the missed information sometime down the line when I have the correct background to interpret what is being said.
In yesterday's reading, Erbe began to touch on fear and how it becomes a pattern within our being. I am hoping that more information will be given further in the book that will help me untangle the incessant pain that this all-too-present emotion causes me. I am also enjoying Erbe's likening of the human soul to a drop of ocean water, doing its thing by evaporating into the sky and going through the experience of becoming rain and landing on earth and travelling back to the ocean where it once again unites and shares its experiences with the whole.
It would be wonderful to live life without fear, or at least have such a positive attitude towards fear that one can actually enjoy it. The only thing that helps me accept fear is the knowledge that if I don't have a physical body, I probably won't have to experience it any more. And this causes me to wonder if I will miss fear. But I expect that if I take the experience into the great "ocean" I won't miss it because I will know it for what it is.
Namaste
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