BEFRIENDING GOD

It came to me last night, that I should make an effort to befriend God which I suppose is like saying that I should befriend my Self. As I still don't know God -- meaning I realize that I am the oneness with It -- I am struggling to understand what is meant by this advice. Maybe the real reason for my dilemma is that I still don't know what quality of my Self is God and therefore, I have no idea what aspect of my Self I am supposed to be befriending. When this thought came to me, I had a sense that it would be fun and extraordinarily fulfilling to achieve such a friendship.

This morning, I skipped the spiritual reading, and went straight to my computer. I have decided to unsubscribe from a number of sites that I was hoping to earn a little income from, only to realize that they are pimps. As I get rid of these Internet "connections," I feel a growing sense of freedom. Next, I tried to meditate and was not too successful at the sitting meditation, but had some wonderful deep moments while meditating on my walk with Sadie. My attention seemed to be drawn to the gulls, a lazy Cessna engine, the wind in the evergreens, and the solidity of the pavement beneath my feet. It was a lovely experience and seemed to work better for me than on past occasions.

Yesterday, I watched a documentary on PBS about adult ADD. It was a huge revelation as I suddenly realized that my ex-husband has severe undiagnosed ADD. Afterwards, I spent some time on various websites that sponsor ADD self-tests for determining if one has this condition. I scored 15 and I was generous with some of my answers, but my ex- scored 80 and as with my test, I gave him the benefit of the doubt as I was writing the test for him based on what I know from having lived with him for thirty years. If he had taken the test, he might have scored higher. Figuring this out has lightened my heart considerably and given me the strength to stand up to him in the future if and when he becomes difficult. I now know why I haven't been able to trust him for a very long time, and why I am so afraid of him.

On many occasions, I have petitioned God for help in overcoming my fear and distrust of this man as I still have to interact with him. These occasions are rare, and I dread each one with a terror that is debilitating. I kept hoping for an event or insight that would miraculously heal me. I never turn on the TV mid-day, but for some reason -- probably because I have developed a weird swelling in my throat that is leaving me voiceless and inspiring me to take extra good care of my body -- maybe I was bored, and I mindlessly aimed the remote at the thing and hit the power button. The TV was tuned into PBS when it powered up, and I was immediately captivated by the subject of ADD. This is partly due to the fact that one of my sons thinks he has ADHD, so I thought I would learn more about it. As the show progressed and I gathered more information, I found myself thinking that this condition seemed very familiar: the inability to put down roots or stay with an employer for more than a few years; workaholism; violence; impatience; mood swings; addiction to sex; interruptions during conversation; restlessness; twitching in the sleep; unusual bravado; disloyalty.

Knowing that this is what I am dealing with when communicating with the ex- sheds a whole new light on the experience. I am actually finding it in my heart to forgive him and I can certainly see that ignorance of his condition hasn't helped me in my interactions with him. I also now know that he is going to be unpredictable, and I cannot trust anything he says, and why. I even "get" that it is not really him that is relating to me, rather it is this adult ADD thing.

This new understanding is having a tremendously positive and profound effect on me, but I am struggling to decide whether it is spiritual or human or what it is? I mean, did God guide me to this information so that I could heal and understand? Is it an answer to a prayer? If it is an answer to prayer, does that mean that the God-aspect or God is actually paying attention to prayers regarding problems of a human nature? Is ADD a role that the ex- elected to play in this life? Is God playing the role? Is God getting something out of this experience? And what is my role relative to interacting with a person who has ADD?

Namaste