AM I -- The Only One?

As I came up with the subject title for this post, I realized that the question would be misleading as this is a blog about waking up. Most people who study this stuff know that the answer is supposed to be yes, so why is this author posing such a silly question? Actually, my intent with this title was to refer to life experiences and wonder if my experiences are specific to me -- probably -- or have other people had similar experiences and can relate to what I am going through? In other words, am I the only one who has ever experienced a situation like the one I am having at this time?

I continue to feel totally confused, and am completely incapable of having a plan, much less sticking to a modus operandi. Sometimes I want to give up, sometimes I want to die, sometimes I want to keep trying, sometimes I am exhausted with the effort of pretending to myself that it is God that is doing the work and not me, and sometimes I feel greatly optomistic. Then there are those times when I wish with all my heart that God could respond to my plight and give me a nudge. In the old days, I had passions. Passions were actually very helpful and assisted me in figuring out what to do next. These days, I am void of passion. I don't know what to do with my life. My life has come to the end of a cul-de-sac and there is no left or right or straight ahead, and I can't go backwards. I am totally bamboozled.

Despite this, I had a productive day. I made bread, spread more newspaper on the weedy parts of the garden, took Sadie for a long walk, swept the floors, and did some odd spot cleaning (places that don't normally get cleaned, like around taps). For some reason, being productive was, and is usually, fuel for self-esteem. Or at least, it makes me feel happier about life. Note: must try and be more productive while I wait for the universe to sort out what it's going to do with me next.

This morning, I had the interesting thought that maybe my life is supposed to be over by now. In May 2006, I was told that it was time to replace my bicuspid aorta valve or I would be dead in four years. This morning, it occurred to me that it might be possible that when I came into this world -- reincarnated -- I did so with the understanding that I would be dead by now. Because of the improvement of medicine in my lifetime, it was possible for a condition that should have killed me by now, to be made redundant. So now I live on. What if there is nothing left for me and I am not meant to be alive at this time? More and more frequently I am pondering my death. In memory of my dream about death, and because of various readings expecially Michael Newton's inbetween life accounts, becoming disincarnate is very appealing right now. I am not so stupid as to commit suicide as I don't believe that that is a solution and I am convinced that suicide causes other problems, or rather, setbacks. Fortunately, I am on warfarin and when life becomes unbearable, I can contemplate stopping it to see if life allows this body to die or if it keeps it going.

Many years ago, when I was in a different mindset, I would have attempted to create a better life for myself. Now, I have no idea where to look, where to begin, how to go about something for which I have no bent. I am a fifty-six-year-old woman with little to no work experience. I am not ambitious. I like serving others. I spent most of my adult life being a stay-at-home mum, raising three children, cooking and feeding everybody, supporting (not financially, but picking up all the pieces and taking care of the day-to-day) a husband to whom I gave complete freedom to develop himself into an accomplished electronics engineer in the astronomy community. And then he buggers off to Australia and marries somebody else. I am really not able to compete favourably for the few jobs that are available to people living in my area. Too old, too little experience. Probably too spiritual and I think people sense this in me and find it offputting although I try and hide it. I tend to be fairly unemotional and appear unflappable, devoid of passion, disinterested.

Every morning, after my spiritual readings and meditation, I fire up this computer and job search. I have applied for a number of jobs over the last two weeks. The chocolate wrapping job has finally been advertised in the local paper -- I found it Online -- so I expect it will be a while before the business owner will be finished looking at all appropriate applicants. I am not holding out any hope for that job, although it would give me the flexibility I need and enough income to buy essential food for myself. I think I would enjoy it, too, but how can one know how one will feel about wrapping chocolates: it is impossible to guess the state of one's mind after six hours a day, three days a week, for months on end, of wrapping chocolates. Would one become totally bored and hate it, or would one find a way to enjoy the work? I don't know the answer to that, and I told my interviewer that, and mentioned it in my application to him.

I enjoyed cashiering, and would do that again if it is for somebody who is ethical and treats their employees fairly. Heck, if I become desperate enough, I might apply at WalMart and damn their unethical policies: when one needs to eat, who cares. The poor really don't have the time or energy to worry about ethics.

So how does an enlightened person deal with a plight like this? I suppose that they don't get into predicaments like this because they don't have the ability to care. How absolutely lovely. And in the meantime while waiting to wake up, what does one do? I suppose one continues to try and adopt the attitude that the universe is in control and one must sit back and go along for the ride. And I suppose that healthy detachment from outcome is a great boon. If I don't care whether I die or survive, it should make life more manageable.

Then there is the idea that I might be enjoying feeling miserable. Actually, I think that it's a habit with me. I will have to get on and read more of Peter O. Erbe who might touch on this idea, or even develop it in such a way that it will help me to overcome my undesireable state. There certainly seems to be some resistence to making effort to put my life to right, but this could also be due to all the different techniques and the great effort I have made to fix it only to have nothing work and no improvement made. It is disheartening. I have read that when trying to manifest one frequently gives up too soon. What is too soon? If one has been battling to improve one's lot for years and no improvement has been made and one is warn out with effort, isn't that enough?

Namaste