Wednesday, February 29, 2012
AUTOLYSIS PIECE FEBRUARY 2012
Fear continues to be an issue. What is fear? Where does it arise from. It is turmoil in my body. An uncomfortable feeling in my chest and tummy. A roiling of energy. A yucky feeling. No, not yucky. Just very uncomfortable. Why do I interpret it as uncomfortable; this feeling. Why not feel it as normal and okay. Why am I trying to escape it. What is the basis of fear. What thoughts are giving rise to it. Why is it there, even sans thoughts. Or so it seems. I don’t understand it, really. Something to do with lack of trust of what. Self. Is it about trying to have control again. Not having control. Feeling as if I am a victim in all this. A puppet. What is behind the fear. It is like an overlay. How does one unoverlay something. What is this fear trying to tell me. What is it trying to force me to do. Escape it, really. Rather, I need to experience it, which I do. But I want to experience peace in my body. Fear is not a peaceful experience. It is unsettling. Labels, labels, labels. I should be thinking that fear is. Now I am showing signs of resistance to fear which in turn will cause the fear to persist. I am looking for strategies to overcome fear. That is not accepting it. I must sit with it. Accept it. Or should I be trying to deal with it. If I could expose what is causing the fear, I might be able to do something about it. I can’t seem to heal it. I must turn the problem over to universe. Only You know what this is about and how to remedy it. Maybe it doesn’t need remedying. Maybe it is normal and perfect. That is what I am supposed to see in it. However, I don’t actually groc the idea. Why should I put up with something that is so uncomfortable and so persistent. Why shouldn’t I want to be done with it. Why shouldn’t I continue to try to exorcise it. Fear of what. What is this energy called fear. Lack of love. Lack of love of what. Self. I don’t know that that is it. Separation. About separation, I suppose. what am I separate from. Is it this false self. Is it part of the whole. no, it is said that it is created by others. But others and i are one. So technically, I created this sense of separation. I gave it to myself from what I perceive as outside of my self. If this ego evolved through contact with my selves in other guises, it still means that I created it, although it doesn’t seem like that. Now, if this is a dream and these are dream characters, and this ego is part of that dream, what is real. I have experienced the realness. If everything is perfect then surely the dream is perfect. Is it really a game that the universe or whatever is playing with itself. I can understand that some of this or all of it is about theuniversal energy knowing itself better. What better way then to interact with one’s self than to split into numerous parts and have them interact with each other. What does this energy universe get out of all this. I suppose that it is not for me to know as I reside in human form, unless universe decides to reveal it to me. I can’t stop thinking about satori and what that feels like. It is a feeling. And experience. A MO. What is that first thing. The awareness. How does it figure into all of this. I am not coming up with any revelations here. Only more questions. Am I not supposed to find answers during this process. I suppose I am doing the wrong thing. Using the wrong approach. Messing with the wrong idea. I am supposed to be looking at specific ideas, maybe. But this is my awakening. I can play with whatever is pressing, can’t I. fear is my greatest obstacle. Why am I regarding it as an obstacle. Maybe it is a blessing. It is definitely something that I want to escape and it is driving part of this show. I must learn to be grateful to it. Thank you fear, for being what motivates me. Nothing motivates me more than you, except when you cripple me. But I have learned that it takes action to overcome fear. Dealing with something. That often alleviates fear. What is the purpose of fear. It usually serves to save one’s buns. Fear is about failure and harm happening to one’s self. Fear is about separation. It is because I cannot see the full purpose. Only a small part of it. I cannot see the whole picture. A small child is not afraid. It doesn’t know about fear. It feels uncomfortable when it is hungry, thirsty, cold, soiled. It doesn’t know the sorts of fears that assail older people. It has nothing to lose because it hasn’t yet been given an ego. At least, it hasn’t accepted this ego. The ego is still in the formative process for the child. So what is it like. Why does this child feel so safe and secure. Because it trusts in something that I don’t trust in. in the child’s mind, there is no question of its security. It is. It functions. Everything is okay. It is acceptable. Looked after. Nothing. What does no self mean. Fear. What is it. What causes it. It is a feeling. An uncomfortable feeling. It is no good parroting I am one with god or universe. I am just saying it. Somehow, hoping to programme a belief. What is it about beliefs. They are flimsy at best. We don’t need beliefs. We need knowing. Knowing that I am one. Knowing it with dead certainty. Knowing that this is one big game or play. Knowing this with absolute certainty. Trusting. The universe is dealing with my financial needs. My survival. It has never let me down, except to dissolve a marriage that I thought I dearly cherished. What was that about. But it was for both of us. He needed to be adventurous and I needed stability and a home. Why did I need this. Because I love my family and children and wanted to remain close to them. Because I wanted to fashion a life for my self. Because ultimately, I really had no control or say in the situation and it was a choice made for me by some greater power or maybe it was made by that awareness that I am to benefit me. It might have something to do with the balance of the world or universe. It is probably not for me to know the answer at present, but to accept that it was what had to happen for whatever reason. I seem to want love with human beings but am not willing to make the sacrifice to have it. Some part of me still cherishes the ideas of love and sex and a relationship. I don’t want to become somebody I am not, again, in order to have this. Better I stay single. And I certainly don’t want to be a slave to somebody or beholden to them in any way. What is fear. What is it about. Insecurity. My level of fear. How is it. Where does it come from. What gives rise to it. Is it strictly ato do with the ego. Maybe, it is to do with the ego, and when the ego is put to rest, one experiences love or peace. No ego; peace. Could this be it. Unravel or dismantle this ego. The conditioning. Programming. Peace. I can see that. Intellectually, I think. That would leave fear to do with survival which I think is natural fear and cannot be destroyed as it is in place as a survival mechanism. Or maybe, even that can be overcome for true acceptance of god and universal oneness implies that annihilation of body and self are perfectly in order and acceptable. Thy will be done. Thy will be done. Not my will. Allow flow. Watch what it does. How it flows. Be interested. Be aware. It is no good doing spiritual autolysis on something like my passions because they are pretty much over and done with. I cannot get passionate about anything. I can feel bliss when I stand in my kitchen, looking out at the garden; birds at the feeder; the sky; the scenery. I feel fliss when I am hanging out with my children. I feel bliss when hanging out with small people. I feel bliss when I eat a lovely dinner or sip an excellent cup of tea. Bliss when I stroke my dog or cats. Bliss when I am out walking. Bliss is a desirable state. Bliss happens. It doesn’t seem to arise from thought. It is something that happens in the moment. When I am focusing on what is happening right now. Bliss can be hands in warm dish water; rolling bread dough driving my dear little car; listening to music; drumming; unraveling a particularly difficult game of Freecell. Bliss is unique. It arises. Yes, it arises in the moment. Bliss can be manipulated, I think, just by using all my energy to focus on the moment. This implies that fear is really when one is not in the moment. I wonder.