For the better part of the last hour, I have been listening to Jed McKenna talk about, among other things, letting go and allowing the universe to flow. Sounds like my Joel Goldsmith readings of the last few days. The cd I am listening to is no. 5 of Spiritually Incorrect Enlightenment. It is helpful that Jed McKenna mentions that being philosophical doesn't help a situation become more enjoyable. Towards the beginning of the cd, mention is made of The Matrix and how in one scene, Morpheus flows easily through the crowd while Neo seems to find impediment after impediment in his path as he moves through the same crowd. I have an idea of what is meant here, having experienced something similar: less mind equals fewer impediments. At the same time as one is functioning mindlessly, one is trusting Universe/God to do the work which is a concept I haven't entirely metabolized.
Later, Jed talks about energy and emotions and fear and that fear is fear of no self. I might be experiencing a glimmer of what this really means. Unfortunately, when I get one of these glimmers, I am unable to find words to express it which means that my mind is not able to make sense of it or put it in some mental slot so that I can retrieve it for further examination, but some part of me is recognizing that there is a truth here: what is meant by no self. Jed, like Tolle, Adyashante, Gangaji, and Goldsmith, talks about fear having to be surrendered to. I have learned to allow myself to experience fear. In other words, and not always do I remember to do this, but sometimes I do, I focus on the feeling that I label as fear and spend time with this feeling, experiencing it without words to describe it or involvement of the mind. I think that this is what is meant by surrendering to it. Adyashante talks about resistence and I interpret this to mean that one tries to use the mind to talk one's self out of fear or whatever is going on, with rational logical philosophical thinking. I have aced this technique and will worry a problem like a tongue worrying a sore tooth.
It is particularly towards the end of this cd that my attention is caught by what Jed is saying: about "the ego wants the goodies," and this is what hampers spiritual seekers from moving forward. According to Jed, this desire and its accompanying behaviours means that one is functioning from the perspective of a finite brain rather than an infinite universe. He also talks about "not mine, but thy will be done," which Joel Goldsmith and Adyashanti have also hammered into me. Coupled with this is "seek ye first, etc." which is becoming a mantra I use to remind myself when I become derailed -- most minutes these days -- by believing that money and the lack thereof is a looming potential disaster for me. Jed recommends that one study this ego-clad state in one's self and others; see it and learn to recognize the full nature of the ego and how it functions; and find the fear and uncover the lie that causes it, then slay it. Also, Jed states that It (God/Universe) works in our lives to the degree that we get out of the way of it.
I also like that Jed McKenna is musing about why he is at a Baghavad Gita discussion group and deciding that the universe put him there -- I interpret that his ego or false sense of self would like to be somewhere else -- because he has something to say that somebody in the discussion group needs to hear. I am struggling with a situation and I have no idea why I am in it except that I know that I have something to learn from it. I am becoming convinced that the next part of my spiritual learning, if I want to awaken, is to let go completely (surrender) and allow the universe to take charge and this is why I keep noticing similar advice in books and audio tapes. I find this very tricky as many spiritual teachers allude to this practice, but nobody actually comes out and describes what it feels like when one has got it right. Therefore, all I can do is to make an attempt at this attitude and watch for signs in the hope that they will indicate whether or not I am getting it right.
It is so difficult for me to trust Universe/God when my lifestyle becomes threatened. I suppose I need to take an honest look at these occasions and see that I came through all past threatening situations unscathed and that I need to trust Universe/God more than I do: or is it my Self that I need to trust? That's a tricky one. I guess that if the Self is Soul or God, trusting Self is the same as trusting Universe/God. It feels a little sad when one has finally got life straightened around and it has become a joy to live for the first time in decades, that one gets hit with another challenge that seems insurmountable, or rather, requires solutions that appear to be somewhat beyond one's control.
Presently, I have had my spousal support halved and I must job hunt in ernest. While I have been quietly looking for work for the last few months, necessity to have money to buy food and maintain a comfortable shelter -- all I really want as I can be quite comfortable living well below what is considered to be the poverty line -- is driving me forward in my job search. At my age, it isn't easy landing suitable work. I am happy to do many tasks and menial tasks, but my older body which is still strong and useful and does what I need it to do such as cart and stack cords of firewood, garden, and knead bread is no longer happy handling heavy weights (lifting) fulltime, or working in inclement weather (it feels the cold). I have an associate degree in human services from Camosun College and I am now hoping that the Universe will find me on-call work with a child: I presently help my 90-year-old mother and it is because she had an undiagnosed health issue that I was stalling on finding work. Once this was cleared up and I knew we weren't dealing with cancer or something equally insidious, I felt free to find part-time work and started looking.
I believe that all humans have a part to play in society and I was playing the part that I thought the universe wanted me to play. Actually, it probably did want me to help my mum as It kindly found me a lovely little home close to her and where I am happier than I have been in decades, and for many months Mum requested my assistance between three and five times a week so it was good to be only ten minutes away from her. And one night, I fell asleep asking the universe to send me an indication of what it wanted me to do and at 5:00 am the next morning, the phone rang and I was called to my mother's condo because she had slipped to the floor and couldn't get up. And I took that to be the universe's answer to my queery: that I am supposed to be living in the Duncan area and available to help my mother. And my mother says that I have been very helpful.
It is also beneficial for me to work with her as I have to learn to accept who she is which is sometimes difficult for me because she tends to play princess or damsel in distress and I don't enjoy the princess/damsel in distress type of personality. Yes, Mum is a great teacher of what it is to be accepting and to overlook the false self and see Unity and God in her. I also get to practice attempting to allow God to help her rather than me helping her and asking God for the grace to help me accept her for how she is. In other words, when I am helping her, I try to think that it is God that is doing the helping and not me and I attempt to get my human self out of the way and allow grace to help me accept and love her. This practice really isn't working for me 100% of the time, yet, but I live in the hope that I will eventually get the hang of it so I keep trying.
Unfortunately, I have no idea what Universe/God wants me to do next and I don't yet have the faith or trust to completely go with the flow -- as they say -- and see what I come up with. This must be the adventure aspect of life that Jed McKenna refers to: sitting back and seeing what happens. Or maybe I do know. A couple of nights before Christmas, it came to me that I should apply to the local school board and see if I can get work assisting a teacher or rather, a young student. I raised three children, have spent many hours in schools helping, learned to scorekeep for Little League which my youngest son enjoyed for a couple of years, did one-on-one reading with elementary school children, babysat a four-year-old (2006) for a few months and was actually thanked by him when I gave him a technique to try at pre-school where he was having issues with other children, and it worked for him. I have to say that I was flabbergasted that a four-year-old would recognize that some advice I had given had worked for him and then gave me feedback on the situation. In fact, it was because of this child that I went back to college to get an associate degree so that I could help all these people, from a standpoint of academic knowledge as well as intuitiion, who keep coming to me for help. It happened that one day in January 2006, I was listening to this four-year-old's eleven-year-old brother and I realized that he was frightened and his parents or some other adult really needed to sit down and listen to him: not just his words, but what was going on behind them. In the next breath, I realized that I should learn to help, and in the third breath, I knew that I would go to Camosun College and take whatever course I needed to take so that I could be effective. And this I did.
The universe was a tremendous help with the college idea and there was a very new programme offered by my college of choice which was exactly what I wanted, but it was so popular that there was a two-term wait to get into the course. Also at this time, Universe dissolved my marriage and highlighted a congenital heart condition that had to be dealt with before anything else would happen. 2006 was a tough year, but I came through it, even making the condition with Universe that if I survived having my bicuspid aortic valve replaced, I should do something good as a thank you. I even learned that I was employable, having been a stay-at-home mum and community volunteer, for decades. Apart from babysitting, I landed work as a head gardener at a private estate, a gardener for an organic vegetable producer, and a cook/waitress at a cafe. The cafe closed, I learned that my marriage of thirty-one years was over against my wishes, and that I needed to have the heart valve replaced or I would die within four years, in the space of two months. I tried to find work, but couldn't as nobody wanted to train me only to have me go out for the three-month recovery period after my surgery. It was a good thing I had to wait until September 2007 to start my classes as I needed September to November 2006 to recover from surgery and then, when the universe still hadn't found employment for me, I realized it must have another plan. Sure enough, my father's cancer returned and I stayed with my parents from January to March 2007 and helped him out of this world. Then, lo and behold, the universe found me paying work which I stuck with for a year-and-a-half until college became too intense to handle studying and working.
Really, I don't feel in control at all: it's all the universe that sets this stuff up and seems to know where to put me. Hence, my trust in it is being tested as my human logical part wants to know exactly what to do now that my income is going to be so drastically cut, and is desperate to find paying work and persuade somebody to employ me while knowing that all this emotional and mental investment is counterproductive and things will happen when and if they are ready to happen and according to some law of the universe. I must trust.
I have no idea how I survived financially in 2006, but I did, or should I say that Universe/God made certain I had enough. I am the sort of person that would like to have the money before I spend it, but the universe seems to think that I should spend it as needed and adequate money will show up to cover my costs. As far as my logic is concerned, this is a frightening way to live, but Universe/God has been benevolent and never let me down. I have to say that in fact it has been generous and I try and see myself as fortunate. I am rarely frivolous, so I really don't need a lot and I don't collect "stuff," although I splurge on good quality vitamins and minerals and I eat organic food whenever I can afford it.
Can one make conditions or agreements with the universe? I don't think so, or not according to Joel Goldsmith and maybe Adyashanti as conditions are of the fictitious self or humanhood and the Universe/God is not involved in that. I am still working this out as I think a bit of quantum physics might come into play here and I really don't know what sort of energy goes out from the mind when one makes conditions or agreements like that, nor what this energy might attract back to one. But I no longer think that the universe let me survive surgery just because I said I would do some good if I came through it. Rather, I think that I might have intuited that the surgery was going to help me live a useful life and I would be able to do some good for others, which I believe I have done.
Namaste
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