metaphorically, of course, and all my spiritual teachers: for the moment, anyway. Over the last two days, I have been experiencing a time of disillusionment and spiritual confusion. This is normal for me as I have episodes like this every few months or so. It is difficult to describe how I feel, but it is like some sort of spiritual breakdown or exhaustion. It comes on after intense work with my spiritual development: reading; meditating; practicing the presence; trying to keep together and implement all the bits and pieces that the various spiritual teachers who I study, recommend one do to enhance one's spiritual life and evolution. For months and most of my adult life, I have been doing the proverbial live, breathe, eat spirituality. I am tired of it and don't feel any further ahead than I was years ago. I also feel a lot discouraged.
When I am in one of these funks, I am filled with questions: who is right? do I allow the universe to control my life? should I be watching my thoughts so that I don't manifest something unpleasant? does it matter what I think, except that negative thoughts make for a less than cheerful life? how do I know or have that feeling of oneness with all that is that the pros talk about, or is it to remain an intellectual exercise? what is real? is anything real? what is truth? how should I proceed? should I give up on spiritual development (as if I can)? am I wasting my time? what am I missing? what us the Kingdom of God and how will I recognize it if and when I find it? and so on...
I am almost a little depressed by it all. So much effort and then this crash, almost of hopelessness. I have been here before. I know that, in a day or two, I will pick myself up and continue. Or maybe I won't this time around. No, the spiritual path is stuck to my feet and I can't shake it off. I know I should relax into how I am feeling and experience it. I have spent months doing that, and I am not convinced that I am better for it. Yes, relaxing into a feeling is a useful technique and usually ends in removal of the discomfort. I think I am bored. Bored with life. Bored with waiting for the Universe to show up or show me what to do next. Almost in tears. I feel so much pressure from external human forces to come up with something. Nothing is coming to mind. How does one fix boredom when one hasn't a clue what would fix it? I guess I am supposed to accept it and bless it. See, I am still being spiritual, despite my spiritual temper tantrum.
In desperation and as a complete break from the monotone of my life, and while I wait for something to show up that needs doing, I watched Phantom Menace. Every second year or so, I revisit the Star Wars collection just because I enjoy it. I don't know why I chose to do this today, but it seemed a little naughty and I hoped it would be therapeutic; watching a movie in the middle of the day: me, a person who weilds heavy self-discipline upon herself and wouldn't normally allow herself to indulge in any sort of viewing except tennis, equestrian events, and Olympics, during the light part of the day.
I had forgotten about the little bits of spiritual wisdom that pop up during various dialogues. It was good. But what was awesome was that I was watching, almost with frustration, Jar Jar Binks on the battlefield. This after watching his antics throughout most of the movie, so by the time of the battlefield scene, he had racked up something of a negative judgement from me. And I suddenly saw something. Here was a character who is somewhat simple and clumsy and goes about his business and while doing this, the Universe is using him/ able to use him to accomplish whatever is necessary. What an amazing demonstration of how to live one's life. Here are all these other characters expending huge amounts of energy to accomplish their tasks, and Jar Jar Binks doing his bit which is very important to the outcome of the battle, and accomplishing just as much as anyone else through no fault or effort of his own. Everything he does is by accident, but it always works out perfectly. He is almost like the Universe's puppet; never seems phased by anything; doesn't realize or notice how he has helped or been used to help a situation; is quite humble.
Namaste.
No comments:
Post a Comment