I have spent the last few days struggling to figure out what I'm missing. In other words, if it's so easy to wake up, why am I not doing it? If God is right there, closer than my breath, why can't I find it or figure out what it is? What is meant by the kingdom of God within? Is this a myth? What does it mean to seek first this kingdom? What am I looking for? What is the nature of it? Is it that pins-and-needles feeling I have when I focus on the energy that is flowing within my body? Is it that "thing" that is looking out through my myopic eyes?
I read Joel Goldsmith daily and when I have finished Beyond Words and Thoughts from cover to cover, I will move onto another book of a similar nature and likely by the same author. The subjects that Goldsmith has been harping on have inspired the questions in my opening paragraph. I meditate, contemplate, think, attempt to listen, and come up with nothing. Well, there is supposed to be nothing (but everything according to Adyashanti) when one finds it. I am struggling mightily with this and I understand from many teachers that this, too, is a mistake: to struggle. I try to let it go and allow and either I am too impatient -- likely -- or I am still not doing the right thing so nothing is happening.
In the last few pages, Goldsmith has been discussing the "as you sow, so shall ye reap" philosophy. He talks about sowing to the spirit in order to reap of the spirit. What on earth does this instruction mean? How does one sow to the spirit if one has no idea what one is sowing to? It is all too vague. Somebody should write an instruction manual. If I figure it out, I will write an instruction manual. But I am coming to the conclusion that all spiritual instruction manuals are personal to the people who write them and can't be used by anybody else. If they could, I would be awake by now. I can't count the number of authors and guidelines that I have followed only to become disillusioned and give up. And when I give up, I feel nervous that maybe if I had stuck it out a little longer, I might at last have had success.
Maybe life isn't supposed to have meaning?. Maybe one is supposed to struggle? If one is part of God and if God does the work, maybe it is God who is struggling or living a meaningless life and one has to accept that that is how it is? I am so confused right now. Where oh where can I find a really good instruction manual for all of this?
Namaste
Gillian
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