I See It at Last

Less than three minutes ago I was reading Jed McKenna's Spiritual Warfare. He was talking about how circumstances in his life unfold. For example, he had put a bid in on and nearly purchased a house only to have the sale fall through. Shortly afterwards, the house of his dreams came up for sale and he bought that instead. I was mulling this over and thinking through the multitude of strange seemingly out-of-control circumstances that have happened to me and how everything has always eventually worked out.

My mother, who is ninety, probably won't need my help for much longer and during the last year whenever I have contemplated this, I wondered what I would do when she died: would I be lonely living here in Duncan? I haven't busied myself creating a circle of friends or any other reason to live here: she is it. True my middle child and his significant girl friend have moved in to my little studio and he has quickly, in only two-and-a-half months, found volunteer work that inspires him, been to a Christmas party, and has finally been offered a paying job and is supposed to begin work on Wednesday. He is beginning to display eagerness about life and is making plans which equates to hope.

When I met, fell in love with, and bought this house, I had a hunch that this son would eventually live in my studio. I hadn't predicted that my married daughter would first need it for a year so that she could be closer to a college where she did an LPN course. When she moved out and back with her husband, I asked the universe what purpose the studio had now as I was certain that my middle child had established himself in Vernon and wouldn't be needing it. Wrong. Vernon became a very difficult place for them to live, denying them solid paying jobs, good health, and affordable rent. When the bathroom of their appartment began flooding every time it rained and the ceiling lights started falling out, they decided that Vernon was giving them the boot, so two months after my daughter no longer needed the studio, they moved in. Often, I know, but I don't know that I know or rather, I don't accept that I know.

It was having my spousal support more-than-halved before I was financially able to look after myself that has sent me into a tail-spin of anxiety. I wondered why the universe would do this to me at a time when everything, after four difficult years, was finally looking rosy. As I read McKenna's words just now and was comparing his notes with my present experience, I suddenly had a flash of insight: the universe is forcing me to find another purpose in this community so that I am emotionally taken care of when it comes time for my mother to leave and/or no longer need my help. Thank you, Universe.

Namaste