AUTOLYSIS PIECE FEBRUARY 2012

Fear continues to be an issue. What is fear? Where does it arise from. It is turmoil in my body. An uncomfortable feeling in my chest and tummy. A roiling of energy. A yucky feeling. No, not yucky. Just very uncomfortable. Why do I interpret it as uncomfortable; this feeling. Why not feel it as normal and okay. Why am I trying to escape it. What is the basis of fear. What thoughts are giving rise to it. Why is it there, even sans thoughts. Or so it seems. I don’t understand it, really. Something to do with lack of trust of what. Self. Is it about trying to have control again. Not having control. Feeling as if I am a victim in all this. A puppet. What is behind the fear. It is like an overlay. How does one unoverlay something. What is this fear trying to tell me. What is it trying to force me to do. Escape it, really. Rather, I need to experience it, which I do. But I want to experience peace in my body. Fear is not a peaceful experience. It is unsettling. Labels, labels, labels. I should be thinking that fear is. Now I am showing signs of resistance to fear which in turn will cause the fear to persist. I am looking for strategies to overcome fear. That is not accepting it. I must sit with it. Accept it. Or should I be trying to deal with it. If I could expose what is causing the fear, I might be able to do something about it. I can’t seem to heal it. I must turn the problem over to universe. Only You know what this is about and how to remedy it. Maybe it doesn’t need remedying. Maybe it is normal and perfect. That is what I am supposed to see in it. However, I don’t actually groc the idea. Why should I put up with something that is so uncomfortable and so persistent. Why shouldn’t I want to be done with it. Why shouldn’t I continue to try to exorcise it. Fear of what. What is this energy called fear. Lack of love. Lack of love of what. Self. I don’t know that that is it. Separation. About separation, I suppose. what am I separate from. Is it this false self. Is it part of the whole. no, it is said that it is created by others. But others and i are one. So technically, I created this sense of separation. I gave it to myself from what I perceive as outside of my self. If this ego evolved through contact with my selves in other guises, it still means that I created it, although it doesn’t seem like that. Now, if this is a dream and these are dream characters, and this ego is part of that dream, what is real. I have experienced the realness. If everything is perfect then surely the dream is perfect. Is it really a game that the universe or whatever is playing with itself. I can understand that some of this or all of it is about theuniversal energy knowing itself better. What better way then to interact with one’s self than to split into numerous parts and have them interact with each other. What does this energy universe get out of all this. I suppose that it is not for me to know as I reside in human form, unless universe decides to reveal it to me. I can’t stop thinking about satori and what that feels like. It is a feeling. And experience. A MO. What is that first thing. The awareness. How does it figure into all of this. I am not coming up with any revelations here. Only more questions. Am I not supposed to find answers during this process. I suppose I am doing the wrong thing. Using the wrong approach. Messing with the wrong idea. I am supposed to be looking at specific ideas, maybe. But this is my awakening. I can play with whatever is pressing, can’t I. fear is my greatest obstacle. Why am I regarding it as an obstacle. Maybe it is a blessing. It is definitely something that I want to escape and it is driving part of this show. I must learn to be grateful to it. Thank you fear, for being what motivates me. Nothing motivates me more than you, except when you cripple me. But I have learned that it takes action to overcome fear. Dealing with something. That often alleviates fear. What is the purpose of fear. It usually serves to save one’s buns. Fear is about failure and harm happening to one’s self. Fear is about separation. It is because I cannot see the full purpose. Only a small part of it. I cannot see the whole picture. A small child is not afraid. It doesn’t know about fear. It feels uncomfortable when it is hungry, thirsty, cold, soiled. It doesn’t know the sorts of fears that assail older people. It has nothing to lose because it hasn’t yet been given an ego. At least, it hasn’t accepted this ego. The ego is still in the formative process for the child. So what is it like. Why does this child feel so safe and secure. Because it trusts in something that I don’t trust in. in the child’s mind, there is no question of its security. It is. It functions. Everything is okay. It is acceptable. Looked after. Nothing. What does no self mean. Fear. What is it. What causes it. It is a feeling. An uncomfortable feeling. It is no good parroting I am one with god or universe. I am just saying it. Somehow, hoping to programme a belief. What is it about beliefs. They are flimsy at best. We don’t need beliefs. We need knowing. Knowing that I am one. Knowing it with dead certainty. Knowing that this is one big game or play. Knowing this with absolute certainty. Trusting. The universe is dealing with my financial needs. My survival. It has never let me down, except to dissolve a marriage that I thought I dearly cherished. What was that about. But it was for both of us. He needed to be adventurous and I needed stability and a home. Why did I need this. Because I love my family and children and wanted to remain close to them. Because I wanted to fashion a life for my self. Because ultimately, I really had no control or say in the situation and it was a choice made for me by some greater power or maybe it was made by that awareness that I am to benefit me. It might have something to do with the balance of the world or universe. It is probably not for me to know the answer at present, but to accept that it was what had to happen for whatever reason. I seem to want love with human beings but am not willing to make the sacrifice to have it. Some part of me still cherishes the ideas of love and sex and a relationship. I don’t want to become somebody I am not, again, in order to have this. Better I stay single. And I certainly don’t want to be a slave to somebody or beholden to them in any way. What is fear. What is it about. Insecurity. My level of fear. How is it. Where does it come from. What gives rise to it. Is it strictly ato do with the ego. Maybe, it is to do with the ego, and when the ego is put to rest, one experiences love or peace. No ego; peace. Could this be it. Unravel or dismantle this ego. The conditioning. Programming. Peace. I can see that. Intellectually, I think. That would leave fear to do with survival which I think is natural fear and cannot be destroyed as it is in place as a survival mechanism. Or maybe, even that can be overcome for true acceptance of god and universal oneness implies that annihilation of body and self are perfectly in order and acceptable. Thy will be done. Thy will be done. Not my will. Allow flow. Watch what it does. How it flows. Be interested. Be aware. It is no good doing spiritual autolysis on something like my passions because they are pretty much over and done with. I cannot get passionate about anything. I can feel bliss when I stand in my kitchen, looking out at the garden; birds at the feeder; the sky; the scenery. I feel fliss when I am hanging out with my children. I feel bliss when hanging out with small people. I feel bliss when I eat a lovely dinner or sip an excellent cup of tea. Bliss when I stroke my dog or cats. Bliss when I am out walking. Bliss is a desirable state.  Bliss happens. It doesn’t seem to arise from thought. It is something that happens in the moment. When I am focusing on what is happening right now. Bliss can be hands in warm dish water; rolling bread dough driving my dear little car; listening to music; drumming; unraveling a particularly difficult game of Freecell. Bliss is unique. It arises. Yes, it arises in the moment. Bliss can be manipulated, I think, just by using all my energy to focus on the moment. This implies that fear is really when one is not in the moment. I wonder.

AN ACT OF AUTOLYSIS

I don’t know what’s wrong with me these days. I feel tense, no ill with fear. Why afraid. What is causing this. It is lack of control. Not being able to control my environment. Control issues again. I thought we had sorted this one out. I am supposed to be relinquishing control. Not having any. Sitting in the passenger’s seat. Leaving the driving to the universe. Why can’t I sit back and relax; let it all happen? What am I afraid of? It is fear around survival, I think. Will I survive this? Can I give up more? Why do I have to give up more? I gave up so much. Always more, more, more. It is worrying about giving up what I need to survive. Yes, I think survival might be the root of my fear. Ego isn’t in the forefront of this. Why am I afraid? Why? Why? What does it matter if I die? It doesn’t, does it? That’s the worst that will happen: I will abandon this body. And that’s wonderful. Free. Or do I value this experience of living far more than I think? Do I actually care about this life? No, not really. It doesn’t feel like it. I think I value it, though. I value the opportunity to experience life. I know I will eventually die. I accept that. I am afraid of becoming penniless; having family take all my resources leaving me depleted and with no energy or funds. But has this happened? Am I worrying about something that might never happen. Probably. It is now. How is now? It is wonderful, if I let it be and stop worrying about a situation that might never happen. Why can’t I see the adventurous side of life? Mum was great today. Oh, I want her to be happy, but I know that her life is hers to live and what will be with it will be. I can’t teach her or learn her lessons for her. Those are for her experience and her development and evolution. She has to have them and marry them with her being. It’s the same with everybody including me. Why am I struggling with this gnawing feeling in my stomach and chest? I don’t like it. Is it true that the feelings of fear are similar to the feelings of love, physically? Joy always feels so light and fear so heavy. But that’s not true entirely because I know that no physical body and no physical feelings of emotions is so light and free as to be highly desirable. Why am I feeling fear? I must sit with it for a few minutes: simply experience it. EXPERIENCING. What is the truth? What is the truth of this feeling. I know it is fear. Fear of what? Fear of death? More the fear of living a life of suffering. I am suffering right now, or at least, that’s my label for it. I must try and think positive about these feelings of tension in the chest and abdomen that cause me to breathe shallowly. I wish I could figure out what is giving rise to these feelings of fear. What is my mind and thinking doing to create them? How is my mind working? What am I saying to my Self. I am basing my fear on past events. These events are over and done with. What is to say that the future events will run similar courses to past events? Nothing. There is no truth in the idea that because the past was shitty, the future will be the same. Besides, even though the past was shitty, I survived it and wasn’t totally miserable and could have experienced it with less suffering than I allowed my Self. I am not dead in the physical sense. It is time to be fully awake and alive and free of this shit. It’s fucking awful. How did I let my Self be programmed? How is it that I have come to believe that I cannot handle something, a situation, that I don’t have to handle. I just have to sit back and watch the Universe unfold and manage what’s going to happen next. It is no good wishing or trying to change anything. Rather, I must accept that what is is what is and be happy about it. What the universe sends my way to do is what I must do. Stop fighting it. Embrace it. For whatever reason, these are experiences that I am meant to have. I must have some sort of aptitude for it or maybe I am supposed to be developing an aptitude for this stuff, whatever it is. Why can’t I see that the absurdly difficult isn’t difficult at all, I don’t have to do anything as such, but be an instrument towards Its accomplishment. I am an instrument and I have no control. I am a puppet. I wish I could see my place in all this so that I could appreciate my roles and Self better. I am not trusting whatever is to manage my life well for me. I am lacking trust. I am afraid. I haven’t got this passenger seat thing sorted out yet. I am still trying too hard. How do I stop trying? How do I get rid of this fear? I am hitting a brick wall when it comes to troubleshooting the problem. I cannot find a label. Maybe I don’t need to find a label. Can’t I just be afraid without labeling it or needing to find a cause? I am afraid. But really, I am not afraid, but my ego is. That is the part that is having the problem. Why suddenly so sad. I am close to tears. In fact, they are welling up in my eyes as I type and my breathing has changed. I am feeling very sad. Very hurt. What is this about? Why do I feel emotionally hurt? I don’t know. I am grieving for something. A loss of self or the separation more likely. I can’t think of anything more to write. I have dried up for a moment. I don’t know that I feel any better: just very tired. Very used. Why do I let my Self feel used? If we are all one, then only I can use my Self. Nicholas, Mum, Andrew, Victoria, Sadie, Cherie, Laksmi, Shanti, are not using me. We are in a dance with each other. Let’s dance. So we aren’t really in a dance with each other. Rather, it is self dancing with self. It feels like we are dancing with each other; seems like we are dancing with each other; but it’s all one and it’s dancing with itself. Waves of sorrow keep swelling up in my bosom. Why? I don’t know. I wish I could really understand at the level that this has to be understood so that it is grocked. I want to know the truth and be one with it and understand. I guess words can’t help me. Only that inner knowing or knowing wherever it is located in this being. Probably not in the physical body. In the mind maybe. I must be more awake than I give my Self credit for as there seems to be less and less to deal with, ie, experiences and memories. Nowadays, it seems to be impressions that are abstract and unnamable. It is nebulous. I don’t know why I am feeling afraid; just am. Fear around not having enough to survive, really. Not enough energy. Not enough money. I don’t have to have these fears. I need to trust whatever that it will all be okay and that everything is perfect, however it is. I hope that my inner guidance will hear what it needs to hear. I sometimes wonder if it has lost its hearing or is it just that nothing is coming to mind that needs attention. Having said that, I am amazed every time I get an inner nudge to get up and tackle a task. I am so tired half the time. Is that necessary? Why don’t I have huge amounts of energy? I suppose that if I were that energetic, I would be constantly seeking amusement and useful pursuits; I don’t need amusements and useful pursuits in the way I thought I needed them. Maybe it is programming that still needs eradicating. Programming to be useful and busy and all that stupid stuff I no longer have any interest in. I don’t know.

ESSENCE

When one listens to sound without judgement or description, just listens to it, one finds that the essence of the sound mingles so completely with the essence of one's being that there is no separation. They are one.

Namaste

A NEW STARTI

I have decided to have another go at A Course in Miracles. I have tried it before, been part of a "Course in Miracles" discussion group, and infrequently take the book off the shelf to read a snippet of it. I am using it to attempt to keep my Self focused on my spiritual development. I am being distracted by my garden which, in its own way, is a spiritual experience. I think that I will always take moments during my walks to indulge in some brief episodes of mindfulness and meditation. This is because it has now become a habit and I enjoy it. Lately, I have been drawn to look up and wallow in the beauty of the sky, cloud patterns, and the many hues and shades that predominate therein. So now, while walking Sadie, I look up and have to remind my Self to look down so that I don't trip or slip.

I continue to be extremely happy. I am finding it easier and easier to forgive and even appreciate some of the more troubling difficult characters that have participated in my life and that I have allowed to hurt me deeply. I am also relishing taste, visions, sounds, scents, and sensations in a way that I have never done before. Many times a day, I find my Self thinking how absolutely wonderful and amazing is it for my senses to receive so much pleasure and I give thanks.

It is encouraging to see my mother doing so well. Since we have been placing high protein shakes in her bathroom for her to enjoy shortly after she gets out of bed, she has become a vital being who has regained possession of her mind and strenghtened her spirit. Even better, my mother herself notices her improvement, understands that it has to do with ingesting nutrients early in her day, and has become proactive about managing her nutrition and health. Such a change: in early May, I gave her five months in her condominium before we would have to move her into assisted living. Now I give her years.

Namaste

TODAY IN THE LIFE

Today I am noticing a subtle shift. Actually, I think I was noticing this yesterday. It probably isn't anything to do with being spiritually awake, but I am writing about it anyway because it is interesting to me and I think that it is something that I should make an accounting of.

What precipitated this is that I have been spending a lot of time On-line, especially YouTube, trying to clear up some questions I have. One was about the rhesus negative aspect of my blood group. There were few answers there and lots of questions still remain. I did learn that my low body temperature is normal and is related to the rhesus factor. I also learned that Rh - tend to experience more fatigue than everybody else and that it has something to do with oxygen. If this is the case, I can stop spending huge amounts of money on this and that vitamin and this and that mineral in the hope that I will have more energy. Instead, I will simply have to come to terms with the fact that I am able to sprint but not run a marathon, which I have known since I was a young woman, but hoped to be able to change. This also goes with my B blood group. I also learned that the eyes are more sensitive and I must say that I never go out in bright daylight, be it overcast or clear, without a hat with a good brim that is blue on the underside. Yes, blue is the trick for me and seems to do a better job of shading my eyes than any other colour. Apart from that, I surmised that rhesus negative was designed for a cooler climate and that is probably why I don't like baking on a beach and why I sleep best in a cold room.

As I was looking at all this information, the business of ETs came up. I certainly think that ETs explain the sudden advancement of mankind from primitive man to modern Homo sapien. And I have one other mystery in my life that I have never been able to clear up: was it a small UFO or a white truck sitting on the highway in my lane in front of me at about 80 meters distance (it was early morning in October and still dark), facing me with two headlamps that behaved more like spotlights pointed at my car, that suddenly took off sideways across two lanes of highway and vanished into thick forest while travelling at quite a clip? Oh yes, where the highway meets the forest there is a three meter drop off or bank. If I were driving over a bank into a forest, I certainly wouldn't try to get my car to go sideways and in that light, I probably would tackle the problem carefully and slowly.

With this immediate revisiting of the UFO issue, I have found myself appreciating more than ever colour; music; natural sounds; flavour; texture; my animal family members; the landscape before my eyes; and even the human race, despite everything it does. In fact, I would say I have just acquired a newfound sense of kinship and love for the human race. We will see how long this lasts, but it is very unusual. I am presently able to forgive humans for their flaws and errors, as perceived by me. Most unusual for me and a very pleasant state of mind and harmony to find one's Self in.

Namaste

QUANTUM COMMUNICATION (2 of 14)

QUANTUM COMMUNICATION (1 of 14)

HOLOGRAPHIC UNIVERSE (5 of 5) Pineal Gland

HOLOGRAPHIC UNIVERSE (1 of 5)

WHAT WITH THE GARDEN AND EVERYTHING ...

I have become very busy with the garden and I continue to help my mother. I don't seem to be doing much in the way of spiritual development and have nothing new to report. Having said this, I am happier than I have ever been. I love my home; love my garden; love my dog and cats; love my children; try to love my mother although it is sometimes difficult; love my life. Although I am not meditating or reading much these days, I continue to ponder the Infinite Mystery almost non-stop and I remember to be present when I am walking Sadie.

I have spent the last couple of days at home gardening and making bread, and listening to music which I seem to need at the moment. I have just discovered a little Tarantella for two pianos and four hands, by Shostokovich, and listen to it several times a day.

We have been enjoying beautiful weather here in Cowichan Bay. The garden is growing well and it is giving me much pleasure. I especially enjoy taking tea and a spiritual book into the garden where I sit in a low beach chair beside the pond and enjoy. This doesn't last very long as Sadie and at least one cat usually join me and behave as if it is a great occasion and can we please not read but rather scratch and tickle us.

I am enjoying a series of YouTube videos about the Holographic Universe and Quantum Communication. I am intrigued by the concept that the pineal gland is the third eye. If I can figure out how to embed the first of these YouTube video series into my blog, I will do it. I did it before, but they have since changed the instructions and method a little, or so I think. Anyway, I will give it a go.

A NEW FRACTAL

DISMANTLING

Although I have listened often to Spiritual Enlightement: the Damnedest Thing, today I heard for the first time the bit about the dismantling. At least, the concept that if one dismantles the ego or whatever it is, all that's left is the awakened state. I guess I need to revisit Byron Katie's work.

Namaste

LITTLE TO REPORT

Although I continue to do the proverbial eat, breathe, and sleep spirituality I have noticed little progress with little to report. I continue to read, meditate when I feel called to and meditate when I walk Sadie. I still find that the mind becomes naturally quiet during the evenings, and I think that for the most part, I am at greater peace with life than I have ever been.

In a previous post, I made reference to cooking crabs and I am wondering if a lot is going on and I am progressing towards awakening, but don't notice because like the crab in the pot, the heat is increasing gradually and I don't feel anything happening. It is very difficult to remember how I was a few months ago. I remember being horribly depressed, twice, especially when I finally got that I have absolutely no control over my life. That was a devestating realization, but I have rallied and come to terms with it: most of the time. At least I realize that it is pointless to resist and try and fix what is, even though I sometimes forget, but soon remember and relax into life's happenings and circumstances.

This morning while reading a number of pages of An Extraordinary Absence, I did a double-take when I read Jeff Foster's comment about movement: "The eyes open, and I am looking out the window of an airplane. London Gatwick Airport is there, and I am that. The eyes blink, and Amsterdam obliterates London. I become Amsterdam, and this plane hasn't gone anywhere. The scenery has changed, that's all." (p. 87). This is similar to my experience as mentioned in a previous post.

Because for the most part I don't trust my realizations and still seek an authority figure to validate them, I am always encouraged when this actually happens: an authority figure confirms something that I have realized. I think that in this sort of work, healthy skepticism is good, but I could be a little extreme in my skepticism about my own insights and should probably point the torch of skepticism at other people's insights. Anyway and the point is that Jeff Foster confirmed that one doesn't move: yes, the scenery may change, but that is the extent of it.

It really is a very odd sensation to be driving 55 kM along the highway and have the scenery whizzing by and sense that one isn't going anywhere. In the quote, I think that Foster is referring to the non-dual experience of being. At least, that's what I think when he states that he becomes Amsterdam, etc. And I suppose that that is what I feel when I perform the exercise of being aware while I am supposedly in motion: that I am somehow embedded in whatever surrounds me and although my senses interpret movement, that part of me that is embedded does not.

Namaste

Holographic Universe

I have been listening to an oldie: discussions with Michael Talbot on his work "Holographic Universe." I really don't know. On the one hand, I want to believe what he said; on the other hand, I am skeptical. His work was something in the order of Lipton's work (The Biology of Belief). I don't think Talbot has any peer-reviewed research papers; nor do I think he conducted scientific experiments. Most of his information seems to be borrowed from other researchers, some of whom worked decades ago at a time when people believed whatever seemed plausible and without proof. As Talbot died of cancer at a very young age, he apparently didn't master the business of mind over matter that he talks so much about.

Having written this, I am able to validate some of his ideas based on experiences in my own life. While I do not understand how one can order the body to do one's will and have it obey, I have done this successfully on a few occasions, and witnessed my father go into remission from cancer when he announced that he had no intention of getting his affairs in order as recommended by his doctor. At present, I am struggling with a cough which is the last stronghold of a cold I recently had. I keep telling this cough that I have had enough of it, that I have got the message about keeping my peace when I need to speak my truth, and that the cough must go. It hasn't. Every day, it is incrimentally better, but it is still with me. One night when I was feeling particularly feverish and exhausted, I managed in the space of a thirty-second tirade against my lack of good health, to turn the cold around. Up to this point, I had been attempting to accept the cold, not resist it, and allow it to be what it was. In that tirade, I seemed to have at least switched off the fever because the aching joints relaxed and became comfortable and normal instantly.

Much of what Michael Talbot said had to do with physics and trying to find a relationship between science and spirituality. I wonder if he was a Theosophist? I liked that he reminded me that things like tables and chairs are energy fields that the eyes and mind are interpreting as solid objects. I will need to re-listen several times and see what more I can glean.

Talbot has me thinking about what Adyashanti and others of his level of spiritual development say: when everything falls away, what is left is all there is. Why I keep thinking this, I don't know, but I am beginning to grasp the significance of this claim.

Namaste

BACK FROM INDRALAYA

I spent the end of last week at Indralaya on Orcas Island taking a "heal yourself" workshop with Robyn Finseth. What was most interesting about this weekend, apart from hanging out with clairvoyance and spiritual people, is that I learned that I am more intuitive than I thought. This then begs the question: how much of what I feel and think is generated by me and how much is coming from external sources? Okay, so if we are all one organizm, obviously I am not picking stuff up from an external source. But what I am referring to is all the stuff that I am picking up from a source that I feel disconnected from.

I also realized that my daughter is clairvoyant based on descriptions I was hearing from people in our forty-strong group, and on what she has described to me. When I picked up Sadie from her I told her this and she was fascinated and now wants to go to Indralaya to talk with people that are experiencing some of what she is experiencing. How wonderful is that?

And it also explains a columnar shimmer of green that I once saw crossing the road above the culvert beside Fillongley Park. This must have been a woodland spirit. I asked many people about this object and nobody had a clue. So one more mystery solved.

I also went to camp with a cold and two ulcers in the back of my throat. The cold is now a cough and the ulcers are nearly gone so I can almost swallow pain-free. I threw away a partially full tube of Sensodyne cool mint gel as I figured I had hit the motherlode of sulphur. There is always more sulphur as one gets to the end of the tube than at the beginning. I chucked it immediately I noticed a third ulcer starting to form and that ulcer didn't get any worse, thank goodness.

Meanwhile and to support my spiritual growth, I am not doing much of anything as I am feeling a little lost with it all and not certain which direction to turn or which spiritual practice to adopt. I continue with meditations, contemplations, readings, audio books, and I seem to have developed an aversion to TV although I did try and watch a movie last night.

Namaste

QUIETER MIND

Although I haven't had much to write about of late, I continue to work on spiritual matters. I have to say that between the garden and helping my mum who has developed some health issues, I don't think that I have been as dedicated to my spiritual practice as I was during the first quarter of this year. In fact, my practices seem to be in a lull. To be fair, though, I do try to notice what my mind is doing and I continue to practice meditating while walking Sadie. As Adyashanti advises seekers to get on with their lives, I guess that this is what I am doing or am being called to do which is a more accurate way of expressing the cause of my actions.

Over the last few days, what I have discerned is that I do better at achieving a quiet mind when I turn my attention to activities that don't use the mind than when I try to simply not think. In other words, I might focus my attention on my senses and what they are perceiving in the surrounding environment and by doing this I am not engaging the mind. I am detecting that the mind on its own is a lot quieter these days. I continue to have the most success with a naturally quiet mind -- a mind that relaxes and doesn't think unless I ask it to -- later in the day. But I am beginning to sense that there are more and more -- and lengthy -- periods when there is no mental activity. I am also aware that often when the mind is busy, I am totally detached from it which is sort of neat in that on these occasions, it is like the mental humdrum is in the background rather than the foreground.

I have been slowly reading my way through Max Freedom Long's "Growing Into Light" and Jeff Foster's "An Extraordinary Absence," both of which I am thoroughly enjoying. I have also been listening to Tolle's "The Journey Into Yourself." I had listened to The Journey Into Yourself two or three times, but that was many months ago. I was initially intrigued by this audio cd, but this time around, I am impressed. Tolle does a very good job of taking the audience through some very useful exercises such as how to approach the business of looking at a tree or dealing with an emotional upset. This is the sort of information I need right now, not that I haven't already figured most of it out on my own, but to hear it from somebody who has woken up is validating.

Namaste

Infants, Meditation, and Contemplation

As I was walking Sadie past a home, I heard a young child experimenting with language. This child spoke a few recognizable words in the midst of gobbledygook. This got me to asking my Self: what might life be like for the child before it begins to acquire language? How would it amuse itself? It must spend most of its existence in awareness, interacting with its environment and satisfying its body's demands. Given this wordless state, I continued to ponder what a vocabulary-challenged infant's existence would be like.

I realized that as an adult, my forms of amusement are almost exclusively aimed at entertaining the mind: that there is some sort of thinking behaviour that is totally dependent upon words, taking place in association with everything I do. I would go so far as to say that if an activity is not going to somehow use words or incorporate the mind in an analytical way, I probably won't do it, or at least, I won't do it for long.

I concluded that, prior to the acquisition of language, infants must spend most of their time in a meditative or contemplative state.

Namaste

Why Label IT Crazy?

I have been busy the last four days, what with helping my Mum; taking her to ER on Friday the thirteenth to find out she needed more medication to regulate her heart rate (in Canada, if you need to see a doctor quickly, it is better to go to the ER than book an appointment which might mean waiting a week or two before you get to see your doctor); visiting with my daughter; and catching up on yardwork and general cooking that had been postponed due to all the other activity.

Last week, in approximately two sittings, I read Michael Mirdad's "You're Not Going Crazy ... You're Just Waking Up!" I am not certain what to think or say about this book, but maybe an almost incoherent brainstorming ramble would be the best way to talk about it, so here goes.

First of all, never during my process of realizing my true nature have I thought that I was going crazy. Even some of the most unusual experiences were received as "somehow normal" by the mind. The main awakening experience was matter-of-fact and during this second episode, I was constantly being advised by a small wee voice -- thoughts or ideas rather than words -- that what was happening was normal and I was being looked after and I had nothing to worry about. I don't think crazy is a good word at all for what I experienced. I find it interesting that, for the most part, I was unaware that anything was shifting.

The closest metaphor I can think of that relates to my life process of waking up is a rather distasteful one: that of cooking a crab. You know, it is in cool water and the water heats up and it doesn't notice until suddenly, POW! its existence is transformed.

As I read Mirdad's little book, I realized that I had been through most of the phases he talks about. Oh, yes, Mirdad breaks down the awakening process into five stages. He writes, "The Soul Transformation Process can be understood best when divided into its five primary stages: 1) Dismantling, 2) Emptiness, 3) Disorientation, 4) Re-building, and 5) A New Life. Mirdad. page 2. Having said that I have been through most of the phases he talks about, I must acknowledge that I continue to deal with Dismantling, Emptiness, Disorientation, and Re-building.

Yesterday while walking Sadie, I realized that I have been dealing with Dismantling for most of my adult life without realizing that that was what was happening. Mirdad claims that Dismantling begins when "there is something about your life that has been stuck or stagnant for too long and now needs to be changed." Much of my adult life regularly spiralled into a stuck place, I would attend to it, leaning heavily on philosophy, spiritual practices, and teachings to aid in the recovery, come unstuck, and life would be more enjoyable for a few months. Actually, I have to thank these stuck stagnant periods of my life because I finally "got" that no matter what I did to improve my life, it still wasn't working. I guess that this is when the straw that broke the camel's back occurred: I had finally become employed, was earning money for the first time since before the children were born, and realized that although I now had personal spending power, I wasn't any the happier for it. Then my marriage of thirty-one years suddenly came to an end. It was also during this time that I entered a major dark night of the soul which lasted, um, I would say, until the second year of college, or from January 2006 until September 2008. It was also at the beginning of this dark night that I experienced my second, but I view it as my first, flirt with self-realization.

I am not convinced that Mr. Mirdad is awake in the sense that Adyashanti is awake. I think that I am an inveterate skeptic, but we will see and I regard it as healthy and appropriate to the spiritual search. When I am spiritually awake and know that I am spiritually awake, I won't care whether Mr. Mirdad is or is not awake. For now, as I am desperately seeking mentors and guidence that is external to me or really, validates the internal guidence I am receiving which I am often also skeptical of, I want to feel that my teachers are genuine and not shams. I think that You're Not Going Crazy ... You're Just Waking Up, could be a very useful book to many students on the spiritual path. I am not certain that it has helped me, and I can't help wondering what Mr. Mirdad thinks it is like to be spiritually awake. Although I try to avoid thinking that I know what it is like to be spiritually awake, I have two experiences that insist on being the examples for what I am trying to achieve.

Adyashanti says that when it (spiritual awakening) happens, you won't miss it. With this pointer in mind, I can only say that what happened to me in those two experiences could not possibly be missed. They were far more than cooking a crab by the method described above. In fact, it would be more accurate to say that they resembled being dropped into water already on the point of boil. It was that dramatic. One couldn't miss it.

Namaste.

PRODUCTIVE CONUNDRUM

As I walked Sadie up the little hill outside my home, I contemplated something that Adyashanti talked about. Unfortunately, I cannot now remember what he said that I wanted to try and understand. I do remember that what I came up with is that if one believes a thought, one's body will react with an emotion. Maybe Adyashanti said something about it being okay to think, just don't believe what you are thinking. I was then trying to differentiate the difference between thoughts that are believed and those that are not.

Later this afternoon, after spending some of Mother's Day whiling away the time, I began to feel disgusted with my Self. I was feeling disgusted because I was not doing anything productive. For most people, productive is usually conjoined with  a wage. Although I earned my wages yesterday because my mother got the days of the week wrong and had stripped her bed and done her laundry, I also view productive as doing something useful which usually means something that human egos consider to be extremely important like dusting the house, scrubbing out the toilet, cooking, mowing the lawn, or painting the house. I was doing none of this and some of it like dusting and sweeping the bathroom floor, if I were behaving like a good human ego, wouldn't have gone amiss.

I eventually became so disgusted with my Self that I was able to stand up, put on my gumboots, grab the recharged battery from the recharger, and go into my garden where I spent twenty minutes -- the length of time the battery holds a charge -- waving the string trimmer over the possessive goutweed and around planters and stone edgings where the grass was becoming long and unruly. I then spread more newspaper on the goutweed which may be futile judging by the number of places that the goutweed has punctured thick wads of newspaper and broken through. After this, I weeded one corner of the island bed. Because of all the rain, the earth is still very wet and great clods of it stuck to the roots of the dandelions and buttercups, and it had to be chipped off with the sharp edge of a trowel. I cleared enough that I was able to plant four charmingly pretty pansies.

Sadie showed up and I knew that she wanted her supper so I cleaned my tools and scrubbed out the plastic pansy pots for recycling and arrived in the kitchen a few minutes before 1800h. I felt so good about my Self and this is causing me a bit of a conundrum. I cannot decide whether going outside and being productive satisfied the Ego/ Little Me, or was inspired by the Infinite Mystery. On the one hand, I may have been inspired; on the other hand, the Little Me may have been reacting to the disgust I felt, which might have arisen from thoughts that the Little Me was thinking, and was pressuring me to escape from the period of inactivity. I suppose that if I had simply risen from the couch to go into the garden rather than fleeing a feeling of disgust, I would have been acting on what Source wanted me to do. Adyashanti might suggest here that I could not have got up and gone into the garden unless Source did want that of me. And what actually generates thoughts?

One positive note: I was able to spend a good bit of the afternoon out in the garden, as well as taking Sadie for a long walk, and my eyes and face aren't itching or swollen with edema and I took only one Aerius this morning, so either the huge quantity of Multi-B vitamins including B-12 are beginning to pump up my red blood cells, or the tree pollen is dwindling. I keep forgetting that the reason why I have been indoors so much of late is to avoid the tree pollen and try and reduce the swelling in my face and around my left eye so that I can use it, especially if I have to drive over to my mother's place.

It is all a little confusing. I suppose I am applying too much mind or overthinking it. Why am I worrying my Self about this? It is silly, really.

Namaste

LITTLE ME

It has occurred to me that it is time to analyze the nature of my idle thinking. What I call idle thinking is that thinking that one seems to do mindlessly and incessantly to entertain one's Self. Really, it is an almost unconscious method one uses to avoid experiencing the nothing or that void that one senses when everything ceases to be; when all thinking and activity stops; when one is (probably) in a state of potential energy; when one is doing nothing and nothing is happening and one is so idle that one seems to suddenly be without identity or familiar feelings or active emotional energy systems. It is the state that one quickly masks with busyness or an addiction. This void or emptiness becomes apparent when familiar favourite feelings have ceased, and is quickly rejected in favour of these ceased familiar favourite feelings of, say, anxiety or fear or annoyance: whatever feeling has become the undercurrent of one's life; whatever feeling that is so present for so much of the time that should it disappear, one panics and quickly tries to get it back.

Lately, I have been observing and taking stock of this idle thinking -- self-talk or self-chatter -- and see that it is all aimed at justifying the existence of the little Me. How fascinating. I wonder what I will do with this information?

Namaste