Ever so slight; imperceptible really. Something was different today. And not in a bad way, but it was interesting and I was curious while it was happening. I took my mum to renew her home insurance. When I arrived at her condo to take her out, she presented an unepected unplanned extended agenda and my tummy recoiled a little in surprise. As I was silently and secretly dealing with the shock of the moment and wondering how we could possibly do all of it in the remaining afternoon, I was informed by an inner voice that I was doing Thy work; not my work. In this address, my refers to me and Thy refers to Source. Upon hearing this, I immediately abandoned any will or control I thought I might have had in the situation, relaxed into the situation, and went along with what my mother wanted. It was brilliant. I don't think I have ever enjoyed serving her as much as I did today. During my time with my mother, there were several other occasions when I received further instruction from the stillness. It was quite amazing. At one point, my mother decided that she would like to go for coffee and while we were sitting there drinking mochas and eating organic ginger cookies, Universe or Source or whatever it is gave me a sense of what my mother was experiencing. This was very moving for me and made me want to do more for her.
Adyashanti talks about objects being aware of objects, and of objects being aware of objects that are being aware. In other words, as one is aware of another being, one is also aware of that other being, from its point-of-view, experiencing awareness of one's Self. I wondered if what I was feeling as I sat across from my mother and visiting with her, was similar to what Adya tried to describe. It was very strange and fascinating and I felt a kinship with my mother that I don't remember feeling before.
Before collecting my mother, I ran several errands for her and this was strange, too. I felt differently about all the people I associated with including people I have never seen before which was most of them. The feelings I had are hard to describe; not really love, not really caring, but something like matter-of-fact acceptance and joy at being able to interact with them. I am a shy person and there wasn't any shyness. In fact, in Duncan's little mall, I stopped to comment on a woman's knitting; she was beginning a pouch for a sweater. She pulled out the rest of the sweater to show me and I praised her beautiful intarsia swan and commended her for daring to work with black which is difficult to see in anything but the most perfect light and therefore challenging to work with. This is not like me.
Despite being shy and something of an introvert, I have recently realized that I really like being in places where I can enjoy the energy of happy people without actually having to interact one-on-one with anybody. For a while, I have been avoiding joining anything because I do not want to have to make meaningless conversation. And that was another little tip that was silently given to me today, and in the secret place where messages from the Universe sometimes appear. I was told that meaningless small talk is important in anchoring human energies in one spot so that they can interact with each other and that this interacting is important to Source. I will have to contemplate this, but if I conclude that it is true, I will certainly be extremely tolerant of small talk from now on. As I think about this, I am remembering an audio tape of Gangaji telling a Satsang attendee that little people (Gangaji was referring to the woman's four-year-old grandchild) ask why-questions because that's what little people do. Gangaji then implied that the questions were not so much about asking questions or curiosity as about the interaction between the child and its grandmother. I think that this might be the same as the nature of small talk: that it is far more about interaction than the exchange of information.
Namaste
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
LIFE Correction
In my last post, I mentioned a story from Joan Borysenko. I wanted to correct the source -- not a ha-ha joke. When I mention source, I don't mean Source. The story I was trying to remember is from an audio tape of a discussion between Joan and her husband, and I think her husband tells the story about the building of the canoe by some First Nations people on Vancouver Island. Anyway and because I am too lazy to go and paw through all my cds of Hay House Radio archives to find it, I cannot say what the title of the audio cd is, but Joan Borysenko hosted a Hay House Radio show and she was answering the question of a listener. This listener lived in Eastern U.S.A., possibly Boston or New Jersey, and was trying to open a day care centre in her home's basement. The inspectors that looked at the home found a string of problems that needed to be fixed before the day care centre could be licensed. The listener called Joan Borysenko to ask her if she thought that Universe was indicating that opening a day care centre was a wrong choice for her and not on her path. Then Joan, or her husband, told the story about the building of the canoe. In either case, doors were never closed; but details to accomplishing each project were numerous and often surprising or unplanned.
My son and his paramour are now home from his Nana's, with Nana's car. He stopped in here quickly before going up to the studio where they live. Apparently, his paramour doesn't feel like talking to anybody right now and needs his support. So I infer from that that they didn't get the money she wants from Nana.
I have known people that are so keen to do what they desire, and I have myself been willing to go to great lengths, that they would have bought a car and tent for which son and paramour have enough money, and gone up there and camped until something appropriate could be found. Yes, it is still cold with the likelihood of snow, but there are people that I know that are capable of being so keen and driven that they are willing to deal with discomfort to achieve their heart's desire. I have slept on blow-up beds on the floor for two years so while my family lived in Hawai'i, and I was so thrilled to be moving into this little home near Duncan that I gladly slept on a blow-up bed, again, for over a month and used lawn chairs for sitting on. Paramour likes her comfort and is not amenable to living like this and being a little uncomfortable for the sake of economizing. I am fifty-six years old and she has just turned twenty-six. What a difference there is in our attitudes and the way our generations think.
My son and his paramour are now home from his Nana's, with Nana's car. He stopped in here quickly before going up to the studio where they live. Apparently, his paramour doesn't feel like talking to anybody right now and needs his support. So I infer from that that they didn't get the money she wants from Nana.
I have known people that are so keen to do what they desire, and I have myself been willing to go to great lengths, that they would have bought a car and tent for which son and paramour have enough money, and gone up there and camped until something appropriate could be found. Yes, it is still cold with the likelihood of snow, but there are people that I know that are capable of being so keen and driven that they are willing to deal with discomfort to achieve their heart's desire. I have slept on blow-up beds on the floor for two years so while my family lived in Hawai'i, and I was so thrilled to be moving into this little home near Duncan that I gladly slept on a blow-up bed, again, for over a month and used lawn chairs for sitting on. Paramour likes her comfort and is not amenable to living like this and being a little uncomfortable for the sake of economizing. I am fifty-six years old and she has just turned twenty-six. What a difference there is in our attitudes and the way our generations think.
LIFE continues
I just finished sitting with son, his paramour, and his paternal grandmother at the bank, in front of a loans person. To sum up this long chatty visit, the bank cannot process a loan until my son and his paramour have their lives in better order. In other words, they both need to have proof of employment, and they have to clear a little no-fault problem off of their credit record.
It is so interesting to see how Universe is holding the door closed to them. Or maybe it is only to my son. It had flung doors wide open for him when he moved here. Unfortunately, because the paramour was so certain of this move, they have virtually burned their bridges here in Duncan. And yours truly, meaning I, was beginning to look forward to their departure. I have other children living close by and one of them is particularly keen to come up to Duncan for an extended visit. Despite having resolved the negative feelings that I thought were associated with the prospect of son and paramour's departure, I admit that I remained resistent to becoming completely free of my sense of confusion and concern about this move.
I sometimes think that ruffled feelings have as much to do with being out of alignment with Source as to do with believing in duality. I suppose that upon deep contemplation of the previous sentence, one might arrive at the insight that alignment with Source is the same as experiencing non-duality. Anyway, what I am attempting to convey is the notion that ruffled feelings are an indication that one has made the wrong choice, or there is something needing to be done. Adyashanti talks about choices and describes how when he came to a fork in his spiritual road, he could have elected to become a monk and the invitation was there for him to do so, but some part of his being would not allow him to commit. Actually, this is another example of how one really doesn't have power.
And speaking of power, son and paramour don't seem to have any power, either. Paramour can say yes to a job offer just as Adyashanti could have said yes to the invitation to become a monk, but Universe is intervening and making it very difficult for them. It is possible, and my son suggested that this would happen, that she will go on to the new job and he will stay here. If this were to become their next move, it will be interesting to see how the Universe helps her. Son and paramour went back with his paternal grandmother to try and work things out; Nana showed them her bank book and I think she has enough money to fund the move and may be relenting and is planning to do that. We will see if that is the way the Universe wants things to happen. They do not need any more debt, nor the stress it will cause them.
I remember reading in a book, it might have been Joan Borysenko's Your Soul's Compass: What is Spiritual Guidance?
about a fairly local to Duncan First Nation's team of canoe builders. These people had decided to build a canoe using the "old ways" which had been somewhat forgotten and there were not too many elders, if any, to teach them. Apparently, it was a huge struggle to get it right and some people might believe that Source caused the building of this canoe to be difficult because it was not meant to be. But in the view of the First Nations, a huge struggle is a sign that something is meant to be born. The difference as I see it at the moment is dependent on the way the proverbial doors close and/or open for one and has little to do with the difficulty of the process. I know people who have overcome tremendous odds: they kept pushing and pushing and something finally gave, or they inched slowly forward, and eventually they accomplished what they needed to accomplish. I must be mindful of this as being a perfectly valid means of travelling one's path.
Namaste
It is so interesting to see how Universe is holding the door closed to them. Or maybe it is only to my son. It had flung doors wide open for him when he moved here. Unfortunately, because the paramour was so certain of this move, they have virtually burned their bridges here in Duncan. And yours truly, meaning I, was beginning to look forward to their departure. I have other children living close by and one of them is particularly keen to come up to Duncan for an extended visit. Despite having resolved the negative feelings that I thought were associated with the prospect of son and paramour's departure, I admit that I remained resistent to becoming completely free of my sense of confusion and concern about this move.
I sometimes think that ruffled feelings have as much to do with being out of alignment with Source as to do with believing in duality. I suppose that upon deep contemplation of the previous sentence, one might arrive at the insight that alignment with Source is the same as experiencing non-duality. Anyway, what I am attempting to convey is the notion that ruffled feelings are an indication that one has made the wrong choice, or there is something needing to be done. Adyashanti talks about choices and describes how when he came to a fork in his spiritual road, he could have elected to become a monk and the invitation was there for him to do so, but some part of his being would not allow him to commit. Actually, this is another example of how one really doesn't have power.
And speaking of power, son and paramour don't seem to have any power, either. Paramour can say yes to a job offer just as Adyashanti could have said yes to the invitation to become a monk, but Universe is intervening and making it very difficult for them. It is possible, and my son suggested that this would happen, that she will go on to the new job and he will stay here. If this were to become their next move, it will be interesting to see how the Universe helps her. Son and paramour went back with his paternal grandmother to try and work things out; Nana showed them her bank book and I think she has enough money to fund the move and may be relenting and is planning to do that. We will see if that is the way the Universe wants things to happen. They do not need any more debt, nor the stress it will cause them.
I remember reading in a book, it might have been Joan Borysenko's Your Soul's Compass: What is Spiritual Guidance?
about a fairly local to Duncan First Nation's team of canoe builders. These people had decided to build a canoe using the "old ways" which had been somewhat forgotten and there were not too many elders, if any, to teach them. Apparently, it was a huge struggle to get it right and some people might believe that Source caused the building of this canoe to be difficult because it was not meant to be. But in the view of the First Nations, a huge struggle is a sign that something is meant to be born. The difference as I see it at the moment is dependent on the way the proverbial doors close and/or open for one and has little to do with the difficulty of the process. I know people who have overcome tremendous odds: they kept pushing and pushing and something finally gave, or they inched slowly forward, and eventually they accomplished what they needed to accomplish. I must be mindful of this as being a perfectly valid means of travelling one's path.Namaste
LIFE
I haven't posted for a few days, but that doesn't mean that I have turned my back on my spirituality. Rather, I continue to attempt to relax into what is. I am presently listening to (it has been paused) Adyashanti instruct a satsang participant to pay attention to what is going on in one's life as it is probably a reflection of or related to a spiritual insight that one has had. Adya claims that every time a spiritual seeker -- this probably means everybody whether they know it or not -- has a realization, life sends in lessons to support it. It is up to the seeker to identify the lesson and learn it: these are not Adya's words, but my interpretation of this teaching. I am still of the opinion that I am powerless and have to relax and give my life over to the control of Source, and I think that that is what Source is presently trying to teach me to do. My emotional discomfort or depression is being caused by my inability to accept what is and allow it to be, as well as a misguided belief that life isn't doing what I think it should be doing.
I also feel a little unsettled -- and this is a lesson that I am having trouble learning -- by the presence of my son and his paramour who are in a difficult and unhappy place in their lives. They cannot come up with the money they need to move and nobody, her family or mine, is able to help them very much. I still struggle, at times, to remain disconnected and distant when loved ones are hurting. I really ought to speak up and offer them some guidence: I can see from experience and wisdom gained in my life, how the Universe was trying to work in their lives and they could have chosen the rosy up-and-up path. But as for my insights, these are adults and she has a Masters degree and I really don't think they can "hear" anything I have to say and unless they solicit my opinion, I am tending not to give it. I did suggest that they could buy a cheaper car as there were some good used models for sale, and when they have worked for a while and saved up a bit, they can then buy a suitable vehicle for the north of Canada, and they should probably consider that they will need a vehicle apiece. But they are set on a Mazda truck that's for sale in Duncan which they cannot afford, and she cannot, more likely will not, envision anything else. For me, it would create huge relief to go for something really affordable, think inexpensive, and keep any debt incurred by the move, as low as possible. In the early 2000's, we drove a 1980 Toyota. During the four years we owned it, we put lots of miles on it and it was faithful to the core. During that time, it only needed a new radiator and tire change. So buying an older cheaper car doesn't necessarily mean that one will make up for the savings with repair costs.
I gather she has student loands and other loans co-signed by her parents, and they are about to apply for a loan that will allow them to move. I guess I am of the wrong generation: except for purchasing a home, I don't believe in loans and I believe that one should earn what one wants and if one can't earn it, it probably isn't meant to happen. In my opinion, loans are very difficult to pay off and my son and his paramour are totally naive to think that even a small loan will be easily dealt with, and I personally hate paying interest and don't want to saddle my son with it. If the paramour is happy to deal with interest on loans, she can have it.
These two adults have never shown any ability whatsoever to pay off anything and if I hadn't helped them out, they would be in bankruptcy by now. I am nervous to co-sign a loan, but have said I will co-sign a very small one, have given them an amount that I think I can handle should they default, and we have yet to go to the bank and see if they can make it happen. My son's father is against anybody but her parents co-signing the loan. It is interesting that nobody else trusts these young people, either, which doesn't give me any confidence. But really, the feelings in my gut are causing me to be incredibly cautious.
I wish I could figure out a way to isolate my Self from negative energy. Sometimes I am good at it; but with these two young people, I am losing to their anxiety or should I say, picking up on it so strongly that it feels as if it is my own anxiety.
Namaste
I also feel a little unsettled -- and this is a lesson that I am having trouble learning -- by the presence of my son and his paramour who are in a difficult and unhappy place in their lives. They cannot come up with the money they need to move and nobody, her family or mine, is able to help them very much. I still struggle, at times, to remain disconnected and distant when loved ones are hurting. I really ought to speak up and offer them some guidence: I can see from experience and wisdom gained in my life, how the Universe was trying to work in their lives and they could have chosen the rosy up-and-up path. But as for my insights, these are adults and she has a Masters degree and I really don't think they can "hear" anything I have to say and unless they solicit my opinion, I am tending not to give it. I did suggest that they could buy a cheaper car as there were some good used models for sale, and when they have worked for a while and saved up a bit, they can then buy a suitable vehicle for the north of Canada, and they should probably consider that they will need a vehicle apiece. But they are set on a Mazda truck that's for sale in Duncan which they cannot afford, and she cannot, more likely will not, envision anything else. For me, it would create huge relief to go for something really affordable, think inexpensive, and keep any debt incurred by the move, as low as possible. In the early 2000's, we drove a 1980 Toyota. During the four years we owned it, we put lots of miles on it and it was faithful to the core. During that time, it only needed a new radiator and tire change. So buying an older cheaper car doesn't necessarily mean that one will make up for the savings with repair costs.
I gather she has student loands and other loans co-signed by her parents, and they are about to apply for a loan that will allow them to move. I guess I am of the wrong generation: except for purchasing a home, I don't believe in loans and I believe that one should earn what one wants and if one can't earn it, it probably isn't meant to happen. In my opinion, loans are very difficult to pay off and my son and his paramour are totally naive to think that even a small loan will be easily dealt with, and I personally hate paying interest and don't want to saddle my son with it. If the paramour is happy to deal with interest on loans, she can have it.
These two adults have never shown any ability whatsoever to pay off anything and if I hadn't helped them out, they would be in bankruptcy by now. I am nervous to co-sign a loan, but have said I will co-sign a very small one, have given them an amount that I think I can handle should they default, and we have yet to go to the bank and see if they can make it happen. My son's father is against anybody but her parents co-signing the loan. It is interesting that nobody else trusts these young people, either, which doesn't give me any confidence. But really, the feelings in my gut are causing me to be incredibly cautious.
I wish I could figure out a way to isolate my Self from negative energy. Sometimes I am good at it; but with these two young people, I am losing to their anxiety or should I say, picking up on it so strongly that it feels as if it is my own anxiety.
Namaste
Thursday, March 24, 2011
MUSINGS and RAMBLINGS
I seem to be forever battling feelings of anxiety, dis-ease, worry, concern, and heartache. The heartache isn't caused by the disintegration of my marriage of over thirty years, or by the death of anybody close to me; nor is it a subtle yearning for a new and wonderful relationship, although I am interested to know what it would be like to have a living relationship with somebody from one's soul group, and would even accept one if it should happen to me. Having said that, I often wonder if my ex is part of my soul group as he has provided me with a seemingly insurmountable challenge -- forgiveness of a most painful betrayal -- I have ever had to tackle. Heartache, as I understand it, is caused by one's feeling of separation from Source. I really ought to read Mario Baisio's book about "I am the One I've been looking for." Mario Baisio lives in Victoria and I purchased his book from him when I took an interesting workshop with him about Spirit Guides. Anyway, his book might have some useful information for me.
Thinking about the title of Mario's book, throughout this morning I was realizing that I am subtly and/or blatantly resisting what is happening in my life. As I walked Sadie, I pondered my inability to accept this, my life that is presently devoid of effort, profit, service, and occupation. I realized that I am disgusted with my Self. I was thinking how at some level, I believe the notion that for one's life to be valid, one must be a productive useful member of society which I have ceased to be, although my mother repeatedly implies that she could not go on without my assistance (We spent a long day together yesterday when I took her to her dentist, then to an art shop so that she could select a gift for her dear friend, then to the cobbler to have her shoe resouled, and then to Whitespot for a meal). As I explored my feelings around this I realized that disregarding my concerns about money, the idea that I am not living life the way one is supposed to live it in North American society is niggling at my gut and causing me a subtle sense that I am wasting my time because I am not doing enough and I am not doing that which is appropriate and correct in our society meaning I am not gainfully employed and helping the economy.
It is so ironic. There have been times in my adult life, well truthfully most of my very busy adult life what with three children, one husband, usually livestock and pets and garden to tend, and a homemaking pioneering life-style, for years without hydro and running water or plumbing, when I craved time to myself to work at my crafts and follow my interests. Now I have all the time in the world to do what I like with, and I hardly touch my crafts. It seems to be one of my life's pursuits to cultivate and expand my academic interests which I do regularly. For some reason, these days I am simply not being drawn to crafts. I occasionally knit a dish cloth and I have a lovely skein of two-ply yarn and more spun yarn nearly ready to be plied, and despite lack of interest, I still enjoy these processes. This afternoon, I pulled some weeds from my garden, although the soil is really still too wet and sticky for much in the way of weed removal, and that was pleasurable.
Last night, I heard Adyashanti claim that if most people had his life, they would be thoroughly bored. So maybe this still quiet life has something to do with Source and what it wants or is trying to teach me. I am beginning to wonder if I could exorcise my feelings of guilt, some of which are caused by my belief that I am not being useful, will the feelings of anxiety, dis-ease, worry, and concern dissipate? Maybe this is one of those instances that would be helped by Jed McKenna's advice to write for catharsis? As I have mentioned before, I sense that I do not have the power to alter my life and this intellectual attempt to understand what is going on and fix it is probably for naught.
Namaste
Thinking about the title of Mario's book, throughout this morning I was realizing that I am subtly and/or blatantly resisting what is happening in my life. As I walked Sadie, I pondered my inability to accept this, my life that is presently devoid of effort, profit, service, and occupation. I realized that I am disgusted with my Self. I was thinking how at some level, I believe the notion that for one's life to be valid, one must be a productive useful member of society which I have ceased to be, although my mother repeatedly implies that she could not go on without my assistance (We spent a long day together yesterday when I took her to her dentist, then to an art shop so that she could select a gift for her dear friend, then to the cobbler to have her shoe resouled, and then to Whitespot for a meal). As I explored my feelings around this I realized that disregarding my concerns about money, the idea that I am not living life the way one is supposed to live it in North American society is niggling at my gut and causing me a subtle sense that I am wasting my time because I am not doing enough and I am not doing that which is appropriate and correct in our society meaning I am not gainfully employed and helping the economy.
It is so ironic. There have been times in my adult life, well truthfully most of my very busy adult life what with three children, one husband, usually livestock and pets and garden to tend, and a homemaking pioneering life-style, for years without hydro and running water or plumbing, when I craved time to myself to work at my crafts and follow my interests. Now I have all the time in the world to do what I like with, and I hardly touch my crafts. It seems to be one of my life's pursuits to cultivate and expand my academic interests which I do regularly. For some reason, these days I am simply not being drawn to crafts. I occasionally knit a dish cloth and I have a lovely skein of two-ply yarn and more spun yarn nearly ready to be plied, and despite lack of interest, I still enjoy these processes. This afternoon, I pulled some weeds from my garden, although the soil is really still too wet and sticky for much in the way of weed removal, and that was pleasurable.
Last night, I heard Adyashanti claim that if most people had his life, they would be thoroughly bored. So maybe this still quiet life has something to do with Source and what it wants or is trying to teach me. I am beginning to wonder if I could exorcise my feelings of guilt, some of which are caused by my belief that I am not being useful, will the feelings of anxiety, dis-ease, worry, and concern dissipate? Maybe this is one of those instances that would be helped by Jed McKenna's advice to write for catharsis? As I have mentioned before, I sense that I do not have the power to alter my life and this intellectual attempt to understand what is going on and fix it is probably for naught.
Namaste
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
LABOUR
I have been attempting to figure out what is going on with me so that I can fix it. I know that it has something to do with believing in duality. This morning, I took one look at my loyal Sadie and realized that I owe it to her to stick around, so I took my warfarin. I am fickle, but I am also loyal to those that are loyal and I know that Sadie might adjust to a new home, but I made a committment to her when I adopted her and she has earned my devotion by her own example of devotion and I just plain love her. What a wonderful girl. And I just had an email from a friend announcing that one of her dogs had died yesterday, Sunday. Sadie will be nine in July and I hope I have many more years with her; she was already four when she came to live with me.
I have huge abandonment issues which I have not yet been able to resolve, but that doesn't mean that I owe another being the same treatment that I have had in my life. I admit that when I graduated from high school, I abandoned my parents and sister to go to college, and never really returned home, and this is as it probably should be. I sometimes think that extended families, if individual family members get along well together, should live together if they want to. Well, anybody should live with anybody if they want to. But the point is that I don't think it is odd for several generations to live in the same home or on the same property. In fact, given the right company of respectful people who accept one as one is, I think it would be fun. Other than leaving home to get on with my life, it has been me who has been abandoned over and over again by people I love. I also think that it is healthy for people and loved ones to come and go as life dictates and I make it a point to say nothing to departing people that will cause them guilty or divided feelings.
Being abandoned happened mostly when I was very young as I had a bicuspid aorta valve which apparently required monitoring and resulted in several extended stays in several hospitals. Particularly hard was the stay in St. Joseph's, a Catholic run hospital in Victoria, with Catholic values and Catholic sisters, and had the atmosphere of an institution. There I was on one occasion, a two-year-old vegetarian, being screamed at by a terrifying nurse because I wouldn't eat my beef. I had no concept of what it was, tried to chew it, and when it came time to swallow it, thought I might choke and repeatedly spat it out. Oh, that sister was livid and the threats and insults that she fired at me didn't help as they caused me to feel more frightened and homesick than I was already feeling and this in turn constricted my throat even more, making it virtually impossible to swallow that tought bit of stew.
Apart from many stays in hospitals, my parents also abandoned me with English grandparents (I was born in Canada), and of course each of my children eventually left which is what one's children should do, and then my husband of thirty-odd years left. So one would think that I am well practiced at dealing with abandonment. So it could be that I am feeling the grief at the thought of my young visitors leaving in a few weeks to go to Chetwynd to make a life for themselves. I am happy for them and listen to their plans, and am very glad that I don't have to move. Maybe it is because it has been a long winter and even though I have faithfully used the S.A.D. light and taken 2000 iu of Vitamin D daily, I am beginning to need some sunshine.
Today, I listened to Adyashanti and a portion of the Mount Madonna Retreat 2009 audio while I made pet food -- this takes about an hour -- and a caramel pecan pie. It helped that I had selected a portion of the audio, more by accident than by design, that dealt with some aspects of how I have been feeling of late. At one point, Adyashanti tells us to own where we are: "I am where I am; I feel what I feel; whatever state I am in emotionally, psychologically, I am in this state and it has nothing to do with the people around me, life around me. I notice that I drag this state around with me everywhere I go. Any situation I am in, it may be good for a while, but I'll eventually drag this right in with me. It is really important to really see clearly that it's not out there. It seems to be out there. The kids seem to be the cause of my blowing my top now and then and my wife doesn't act the way I would like her to act and she doesn't do what I would like her to do and that seems to be the cause ... When you really start to own it, you start to see that's not really true. I am actually doing every bit of it to my Self. Nobody's doing a damn thing to me. Nobody is. Nobody has the power to make you happy or sad."
I know all this in theory, appreciate Eleanor Roosevelt's quote about "nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission," but it is so hard for me to make it real, or rather, prevent myself from feeling abandoned -- or whatever it is that I think somebody is doing to me. I also spent the better part of yesterday feeling extraordinarily lonely and realizing that that too was because I had allowed my Self to believe in separation from Source.
As mentioned in a previous post, tasking for my Self, meaning not performing a task for somebody else, and doing a task for the benefit of loved ones, my cats and dog in this case, really helps malais. I don't know what it is about work that is so therapeutic. I can see that if one had to perform the same task all day and every day, one would become tired of it. Or should I say that the likelihood of becoming weary of doing the same thing over and over ad infinitum is high. But tackling a task, although tedious and mindless, seems to improve my outlook on life. Why? I have no answer except that the work sometimes "sucks me in" and might distract me enough to give me a "time out" from the unsettling negative energy that is bothering me so much.
Namaste
I have huge abandonment issues which I have not yet been able to resolve, but that doesn't mean that I owe another being the same treatment that I have had in my life. I admit that when I graduated from high school, I abandoned my parents and sister to go to college, and never really returned home, and this is as it probably should be. I sometimes think that extended families, if individual family members get along well together, should live together if they want to. Well, anybody should live with anybody if they want to. But the point is that I don't think it is odd for several generations to live in the same home or on the same property. In fact, given the right company of respectful people who accept one as one is, I think it would be fun. Other than leaving home to get on with my life, it has been me who has been abandoned over and over again by people I love. I also think that it is healthy for people and loved ones to come and go as life dictates and I make it a point to say nothing to departing people that will cause them guilty or divided feelings.
Being abandoned happened mostly when I was very young as I had a bicuspid aorta valve which apparently required monitoring and resulted in several extended stays in several hospitals. Particularly hard was the stay in St. Joseph's, a Catholic run hospital in Victoria, with Catholic values and Catholic sisters, and had the atmosphere of an institution. There I was on one occasion, a two-year-old vegetarian, being screamed at by a terrifying nurse because I wouldn't eat my beef. I had no concept of what it was, tried to chew it, and when it came time to swallow it, thought I might choke and repeatedly spat it out. Oh, that sister was livid and the threats and insults that she fired at me didn't help as they caused me to feel more frightened and homesick than I was already feeling and this in turn constricted my throat even more, making it virtually impossible to swallow that tought bit of stew.
Apart from many stays in hospitals, my parents also abandoned me with English grandparents (I was born in Canada), and of course each of my children eventually left which is what one's children should do, and then my husband of thirty-odd years left. So one would think that I am well practiced at dealing with abandonment. So it could be that I am feeling the grief at the thought of my young visitors leaving in a few weeks to go to Chetwynd to make a life for themselves. I am happy for them and listen to their plans, and am very glad that I don't have to move. Maybe it is because it has been a long winter and even though I have faithfully used the S.A.D. light and taken 2000 iu of Vitamin D daily, I am beginning to need some sunshine.
Today, I listened to Adyashanti and a portion of the Mount Madonna Retreat 2009 audio while I made pet food -- this takes about an hour -- and a caramel pecan pie. It helped that I had selected a portion of the audio, more by accident than by design, that dealt with some aspects of how I have been feeling of late. At one point, Adyashanti tells us to own where we are: "I am where I am; I feel what I feel; whatever state I am in emotionally, psychologically, I am in this state and it has nothing to do with the people around me, life around me. I notice that I drag this state around with me everywhere I go. Any situation I am in, it may be good for a while, but I'll eventually drag this right in with me. It is really important to really see clearly that it's not out there. It seems to be out there. The kids seem to be the cause of my blowing my top now and then and my wife doesn't act the way I would like her to act and she doesn't do what I would like her to do and that seems to be the cause ... When you really start to own it, you start to see that's not really true. I am actually doing every bit of it to my Self. Nobody's doing a damn thing to me. Nobody is. Nobody has the power to make you happy or sad."
I know all this in theory, appreciate Eleanor Roosevelt's quote about "nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission," but it is so hard for me to make it real, or rather, prevent myself from feeling abandoned -- or whatever it is that I think somebody is doing to me. I also spent the better part of yesterday feeling extraordinarily lonely and realizing that that too was because I had allowed my Self to believe in separation from Source.
As mentioned in a previous post, tasking for my Self, meaning not performing a task for somebody else, and doing a task for the benefit of loved ones, my cats and dog in this case, really helps malais. I don't know what it is about work that is so therapeutic. I can see that if one had to perform the same task all day and every day, one would become tired of it. Or should I say that the likelihood of becoming weary of doing the same thing over and over ad infinitum is high. But tackling a task, although tedious and mindless, seems to improve my outlook on life. Why? I have no answer except that the work sometimes "sucks me in" and might distract me enough to give me a "time out" from the unsettling negative energy that is bothering me so much.
Namaste
Monday, March 21, 2011
This Monetary Society
As I struggle through today, continuing to allow inspiration to come to me but none does, I am plagued with how money-based and dependent our society has become. There is very little one can do that doesn't cost one anything. Very little. It is so sad: I feel so sad and tired with it all. It feels hopeless. Why did we let it get this way? Why? Why does nobody else see it? I am too sad with grief to write any more.
Namaste
Namaste
A Difficult Time; Too Many Conundrums
I am having a very difficult day, today and have stopped the warfarin. I simply cannot get my life to work in any way that is satisfying for me. I can't even think what satisfying would be. I have tried. I have not tried. I have studied spiritual material; meditated; prayed; read blogs; attempted to find forums only to find that appropriate forums are so user unfriendly that I haven't a clue how to use them. I have contemplated joining groups in my town. I know that this won't really help as I sense that I am difficult to be with in a social setting. I don't want to small-talk; I don't have much of anything to contribute in the way of conversation; I am not interested in one-upmanship; and I certainly don't want to have to fit in to get along with people.
Usually when I attend groups, there is an activity like knitting that allows me to be in the presence of others while not actually having to engage with them. When I attend these sorts of functions, I constantly have the impression that others might see me as some sort of dark cloud or unpleasant company as I am usually so silent and appear to be keeping to my Self. What is actually happening is that I am enjoying the energy of other beings and don't feel the urge to interact with them. If people need help with their knitting, because I am fairly accomplished, I am quick to step forward and give guidence and explain technicalities. I then sink back into my silence and continue to enjoy the surrounding energy.
I have been applying for more jobs. Nothing is happening. No interviews. No job offers. My life is stuck. Stagnant. It sucks. I keep chastizing myself for the way I feel which is lonely, impoverished financially and energetically, and without hope. And apparently powerless to change anything. This is the worst: no power to make anything happen. If I had power of the appropriate nature, things would have changed by now. I have put so much effort into changing my life and it is no different to the way it was months ago. I have grabbed at every carrot dangled in front of my face only to have Universe snatch it away.
The only thing I might have power over is this body and I am ready to give it up and move on. I keep remembering and thinking about those first few moments after physical death and look forward to them. What freedom. I can't wait.
Namaste
Usually when I attend groups, there is an activity like knitting that allows me to be in the presence of others while not actually having to engage with them. When I attend these sorts of functions, I constantly have the impression that others might see me as some sort of dark cloud or unpleasant company as I am usually so silent and appear to be keeping to my Self. What is actually happening is that I am enjoying the energy of other beings and don't feel the urge to interact with them. If people need help with their knitting, because I am fairly accomplished, I am quick to step forward and give guidence and explain technicalities. I then sink back into my silence and continue to enjoy the surrounding energy.
I have been applying for more jobs. Nothing is happening. No interviews. No job offers. My life is stuck. Stagnant. It sucks. I keep chastizing myself for the way I feel which is lonely, impoverished financially and energetically, and without hope. And apparently powerless to change anything. This is the worst: no power to make anything happen. If I had power of the appropriate nature, things would have changed by now. I have put so much effort into changing my life and it is no different to the way it was months ago. I have grabbed at every carrot dangled in front of my face only to have Universe snatch it away.
The only thing I might have power over is this body and I am ready to give it up and move on. I keep remembering and thinking about those first few moments after physical death and look forward to them. What freedom. I can't wait.
Namaste
Saturday, March 19, 2011
That Energy-Thing
After posting to this blog, last night, I continued to mull over the thoughts and feelings I was experiencing that were associated with the prospect of my middle child and his paramour moving to Chetwynd. As I mentioned, I was experiencing some very unsettling energy in the gut area and really wanted to be rid of it so that I could feel as happy and relieved as they are. Interestingly, somewhere around 2200h, the energy that was roiling in my body's mid-centre calmed down and I felt ninety percent better. And it has continued like this ever since. I have been left in a state of curiosity as to why or how this energy suddenly settled down. Usually, I have to go to sleep for the night before I can calm down. If I could figure out how to turn off those uncomfortable feelings whenever I choose, I would cherish the ability.
I still don't know how these two adults are logistically going to pull off this move. I figure they will need about $5000 immediately that will cover the rent deposit and rent for a one bedroom which will cost them $650 per month and that is the cheapest digs they are going to find that is suitable as they won't want to live in a dive, and a used vehicle: they don't have one at present. Their credit with the banks is poor, as mentioned there is a huge student loan, and her parents don't have much in the way of money to help them out, and I have done all I can do in the financial department. And they don't have any furniture. Anyway, it will be interesting to see how the universe comes through for them with the financial details.
On the other hand, they have both landed jobs here in Duncan, the paramour has found a doctor who is helping her with her depression, my son has joined a local volunteer branch of Search and Rescue, and they can live in a free-standing small furnished dwelling for next to nothing. I can see that the promise of a salary of $53,000 Can would tempt anybody. I also know that it comes with a higher tax rate and they will lose quite a bit to that. So although the Duncan jobs won't pay them any where near that amount, they may find that this higher taxable income will leave them with only slightly more spending money than they will be getting working at lower paid jobs in Duncan. It will be an interesting lesson for all of us, and I will be monitoring how the Universe helps them.
If I were them, I would sit tight, save a bit, buy a vehicle, then look to move. But I am a very down-to-earth practical sort of person which is why I had such a difficult time when money was dwindling as I sometimes find it challenging to be optimistic and hopeful when nothing seems to be working. It has become beneficial to me, psychologically, to let go of my attachment to this body and to feel happy knowing that if life becomes more than I can handle and is hopeless, I can simply stop the warfarin and check out. People who are less practical and down-to-earth than I am tend to be more cheerful and hopeful than me, most of the time. I wish I had the trust in the Universe and Self that would allow me to move through life with ease and joy.
What I know is that when nothing is working, one must change something which is very difficult to do if one doesn't have a clue what has to be changed and one is of the belief that one is right where the Universe wants one to be. Life is beginning to work for these two adults and they must learn through their own experiences and who knows: maybe the move to Chetwynd is the right choice for them.
Namaste
I still don't know how these two adults are logistically going to pull off this move. I figure they will need about $5000 immediately that will cover the rent deposit and rent for a one bedroom which will cost them $650 per month and that is the cheapest digs they are going to find that is suitable as they won't want to live in a dive, and a used vehicle: they don't have one at present. Their credit with the banks is poor, as mentioned there is a huge student loan, and her parents don't have much in the way of money to help them out, and I have done all I can do in the financial department. And they don't have any furniture. Anyway, it will be interesting to see how the universe comes through for them with the financial details.
On the other hand, they have both landed jobs here in Duncan, the paramour has found a doctor who is helping her with her depression, my son has joined a local volunteer branch of Search and Rescue, and they can live in a free-standing small furnished dwelling for next to nothing. I can see that the promise of a salary of $53,000 Can would tempt anybody. I also know that it comes with a higher tax rate and they will lose quite a bit to that. So although the Duncan jobs won't pay them any where near that amount, they may find that this higher taxable income will leave them with only slightly more spending money than they will be getting working at lower paid jobs in Duncan. It will be an interesting lesson for all of us, and I will be monitoring how the Universe helps them.
If I were them, I would sit tight, save a bit, buy a vehicle, then look to move. But I am a very down-to-earth practical sort of person which is why I had such a difficult time when money was dwindling as I sometimes find it challenging to be optimistic and hopeful when nothing seems to be working. It has become beneficial to me, psychologically, to let go of my attachment to this body and to feel happy knowing that if life becomes more than I can handle and is hopeless, I can simply stop the warfarin and check out. People who are less practical and down-to-earth than I am tend to be more cheerful and hopeful than me, most of the time. I wish I had the trust in the Universe and Self that would allow me to move through life with ease and joy.
What I know is that when nothing is working, one must change something which is very difficult to do if one doesn't have a clue what has to be changed and one is of the belief that one is right where the Universe wants one to be. Life is beginning to work for these two adults and they must learn through their own experiences and who knows: maybe the move to Chetwynd is the right choice for them.
Namaste
Friday, March 18, 2011
A HOLIDAY followed by A CHALLENGE
Yesterday, I drove to Victoria to hang out with my daughter and son-in-law, attend an Arrogant Worm's concert, watch a BBC season of a very good detection mystery called "Waking the Dead," overnight in one of her spare bedrooms, and this morning help her with the pruning of her fruit trees and bushes. I thoroughly enjoyed myself. What a wonderful daughter she is: I am so lucky to have her.
Early this evening, my son's paramour received a job offer that would relocate the two of them to near Chetwynd, B.C. which she accepted. We are so excited for her: a real salary and in her chosen field of anthropology/archaeology. Now I begin the process of dealing with their departure. I cannot afford to help them financially and had been thinking that living and working in Duncan for a few months would allow them the opportunity to grow a bit of savings so that they can purchase a vehicle and have a bit of money for settling in, etc. As this didn't happen, I am sure Universe has a plan and will help them out. Maybe her parents can countersign a loan for her or something like that. Anyway, I am sure they are proud of their daughter and will find some way to help her with a financial "leg up." I have loaned them plenty over the last few years and they haven't been able to pay anything back and I daren't dig into my retirement nest egg for fear that I won't get it back by the time I need it. You see, although I want to trust Universe, I am not convinced that it benefits anyone to be foolish. And loaning to somebody who has large student loans and is only loosely attached to me, and has shown no sign of being able to save money let alone pay anything back seems foolish.
Anyway, I am already feeling a little sad about their pending departure. I always feel sad to the point of grief when people I love withdraw their energy from me. It will be short-lived, but intense. I have learned to allow myself to sink into the feelings of loss and go with them, although the old habits of being philosophical and chastising myself for being silly about my grief are difficult to overcome and I will have unsuccessful bouts of self-talk aimed at encouraging me to feel better. When I feel wretched, I ought to stop avoiding the experience. On the positive side, their leaving will help my financial dilemma and I can have my car all for my Self. And they haven't gone yet. Anything can happen, but I fear that if this job were to fall through, my son's paramour would sink into a deep clinical depression, something she is close to doing, even now.
For years, I have been looking after my son's cat while he moves around the world with his paramour. This cat is very fond of him and has happily moved in with him now that he is living on my property, and spends hours sleeping on his lap. I will feel very sorry for her, too, for I am certain that she will, in some cat-like way, also miss him. She is nearing the end of her life and he may never see her alive, again. At least they have had this winter together.
I am really enjoying Seth Speaks
, even though I am finding it to be a slow read. By this I mean that I am attempting to understand what Seth is saying and many sentences have to be re-read three or four times, very slowly, in order for me to begin to grasp the ideas.
Namaste
Early this evening, my son's paramour received a job offer that would relocate the two of them to near Chetwynd, B.C. which she accepted. We are so excited for her: a real salary and in her chosen field of anthropology/archaeology. Now I begin the process of dealing with their departure. I cannot afford to help them financially and had been thinking that living and working in Duncan for a few months would allow them the opportunity to grow a bit of savings so that they can purchase a vehicle and have a bit of money for settling in, etc. As this didn't happen, I am sure Universe has a plan and will help them out. Maybe her parents can countersign a loan for her or something like that. Anyway, I am sure they are proud of their daughter and will find some way to help her with a financial "leg up." I have loaned them plenty over the last few years and they haven't been able to pay anything back and I daren't dig into my retirement nest egg for fear that I won't get it back by the time I need it. You see, although I want to trust Universe, I am not convinced that it benefits anyone to be foolish. And loaning to somebody who has large student loans and is only loosely attached to me, and has shown no sign of being able to save money let alone pay anything back seems foolish.
Anyway, I am already feeling a little sad about their pending departure. I always feel sad to the point of grief when people I love withdraw their energy from me. It will be short-lived, but intense. I have learned to allow myself to sink into the feelings of loss and go with them, although the old habits of being philosophical and chastising myself for being silly about my grief are difficult to overcome and I will have unsuccessful bouts of self-talk aimed at encouraging me to feel better. When I feel wretched, I ought to stop avoiding the experience. On the positive side, their leaving will help my financial dilemma and I can have my car all for my Self. And they haven't gone yet. Anything can happen, but I fear that if this job were to fall through, my son's paramour would sink into a deep clinical depression, something she is close to doing, even now.
For years, I have been looking after my son's cat while he moves around the world with his paramour. This cat is very fond of him and has happily moved in with him now that he is living on my property, and spends hours sleeping on his lap. I will feel very sorry for her, too, for I am certain that she will, in some cat-like way, also miss him. She is nearing the end of her life and he may never see her alive, again. At least they have had this winter together.
I am really enjoying Seth Speaks
, even though I am finding it to be a slow read. By this I mean that I am attempting to understand what Seth is saying and many sentences have to be re-read three or four times, very slowly, in order for me to begin to grasp the ideas.Namaste
Monday, March 14, 2011
David Suzuki
Last night, I tuned the TV to David Suzuki's film, Force of Nature: The David Suzuki Movie. I think that this film is well-worth a viewing and recommend it. My son and his paramour thought that the beginning was a little too melodramatic, but I have read Joy Kogawa's Obasan
and similar books that deal with the challenges of being Asian and living in Canada during the first half of the twentieth century, and was comfortable with the material that described the evacuation of Japanese families from West Coast Canada: this doesn't mean that I think it was right or wrong or that I hold a particular judgement. With my spiritual studies, practices, and development, I am doing better at how I handle what is perceived as human tragedy, violation of rights, and suffering.
In the film, Suzuki reminds us that the economy is a man made situation and that society invests a lot of energy into believing in, supporting, and pandering to it. He also mentions that at one time, people held similar notions about and attitudes towards mythical creatures such as dragons. I appreciated Suzuki's explanation of the Haidi and how they believe that if they allow deforestation, they will become like everybody else. Suzuki interprets this to mean that the Haida believe that they are one with nature and those humans that can deforest a mountain (log it) do not believe or know that they are one with nature. Suzuki says that if the Haidi allow deforestation, they become like everybody else: they sever their tie and are disconnected from nature. I really enjoyed the video footage of Suzuki holding his infant Haida grandson: beautiful and how can one not feel Soul in the relationship between grandfather and grandson, or the baby itself?
Namaste
and similar books that deal with the challenges of being Asian and living in Canada during the first half of the twentieth century, and was comfortable with the material that described the evacuation of Japanese families from West Coast Canada: this doesn't mean that I think it was right or wrong or that I hold a particular judgement. With my spiritual studies, practices, and development, I am doing better at how I handle what is perceived as human tragedy, violation of rights, and suffering.In the film, Suzuki reminds us that the economy is a man made situation and that society invests a lot of energy into believing in, supporting, and pandering to it. He also mentions that at one time, people held similar notions about and attitudes towards mythical creatures such as dragons. I appreciated Suzuki's explanation of the Haidi and how they believe that if they allow deforestation, they will become like everybody else. Suzuki interprets this to mean that the Haida believe that they are one with nature and those humans that can deforest a mountain (log it) do not believe or know that they are one with nature. Suzuki says that if the Haidi allow deforestation, they become like everybody else: they sever their tie and are disconnected from nature. I really enjoyed the video footage of Suzuki holding his infant Haida grandson: beautiful and how can one not feel Soul in the relationship between grandfather and grandson, or the baby itself?
Namaste
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Source and Power
I am enjoying an evening diversion and am reading a few paragraphs of Seth Speaks
while I wait for my beautiful P.E.I russet potato to finish baking. Yum! With Waldorf salad. I can hardly wait. Anyway, I find I need to read Seth slowly as he can become quite technical and it sometimes takes me a while to figure out what he is describing. I think when I initially read this book approximately thirty years ago, I probably skipped the difficult bits. This time around, I am making an effort to understand the information and this is being helped by all the other studying I have done which has given me a better foundation than I had during the first reading. Seth is discussing the nature of soul and is giving exercises and clues to help one discern one's own piece of soul. Here is a quote from page 87 of the Bantam pocket edition:
"For now, here is one quite effective but simple exercise. Close your eyes after having read this chapter to this point, and try to sense within yourself the source of power from which your own breathing and life forces come. Some of you will do this successfuly at your first try. Others may take longer. When you feel within yourself this source, then try to sense this power flow outward through your entire physical being, through the fingertips and toes, through the pores of your body, all directions with yourself as centre."
I wonder if Seth is referring to that tingly buzzy sensation I feel when I am holding my body still and trying to experience it?
Namaste
while I wait for my beautiful P.E.I russet potato to finish baking. Yum! With Waldorf salad. I can hardly wait. Anyway, I find I need to read Seth slowly as he can become quite technical and it sometimes takes me a while to figure out what he is describing. I think when I initially read this book approximately thirty years ago, I probably skipped the difficult bits. This time around, I am making an effort to understand the information and this is being helped by all the other studying I have done which has given me a better foundation than I had during the first reading. Seth is discussing the nature of soul and is giving exercises and clues to help one discern one's own piece of soul. Here is a quote from page 87 of the Bantam pocket edition:"For now, here is one quite effective but simple exercise. Close your eyes after having read this chapter to this point, and try to sense within yourself the source of power from which your own breathing and life forces come. Some of you will do this successfuly at your first try. Others may take longer. When you feel within yourself this source, then try to sense this power flow outward through your entire physical being, through the fingertips and toes, through the pores of your body, all directions with yourself as centre."
I wonder if Seth is referring to that tingly buzzy sensation I feel when I am holding my body still and trying to experience it?
Namaste
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Another Comment about Awakening: For the Record
I suddenly came up with a description for the verbal problem I encountered when I awakened. It is this: when one verbalizes an idea, the idea is spread out over time. When one awakens, one is totally in the moment: a second happens, and the next second happens, and so on, and these seconds or moments cannot be strung together. They stand entirely on their own as complete and entire with nothing outside of themselves. That is why verbalizing ideas is so problematic for a freshly awakened individual. A spoken sentence is an idea that is spread over time in a linear format and the awakened individual doesn't function linearly.
Namaste
Namaste
The Awakened State
I am sitting here knitting a cotton dish cloth and listening to Adyashanti and a woman at a satsang that was recorded as a cd collection called Big Sword Swinging
. The woman is talking about her experience, ten years ago, of awakening. When people talk about this, I really pay attention as I am still trying to verify my own experience(s). As I was contemplating and comparing my own experience of awakening, a pat phrase came to mind: "it was like a dissolution of self." Then I thought that it was as if the part of me that interacts with the world I live in, suddenly vanished. Then I thought, no, it was more like a stepping back from that part of me that interacts with everybody and my environment, and stepping into another aspect of me. Then I realized, no, it was is if that part of me that interacts with everybody and my environment is a shield -- I tend to think of this shield as me -- and this shield suddenly dropped away. I will need to spend some time thinking about this, but the shield analagy is the closest I have come, thus far, to what I experienced at that second awakening. Now I get to look at that aspect of my Self that is shield-like: is it protective? That's what shields do, isn't it? Why would it need to protect the part of my Self that is Source?
Namaste
. The woman is talking about her experience, ten years ago, of awakening. When people talk about this, I really pay attention as I am still trying to verify my own experience(s). As I was contemplating and comparing my own experience of awakening, a pat phrase came to mind: "it was like a dissolution of self." Then I thought that it was as if the part of me that interacts with the world I live in, suddenly vanished. Then I thought, no, it was more like a stepping back from that part of me that interacts with everybody and my environment, and stepping into another aspect of me. Then I realized, no, it was is if that part of me that interacts with everybody and my environment is a shield -- I tend to think of this shield as me -- and this shield suddenly dropped away. I will need to spend some time thinking about this, but the shield analagy is the closest I have come, thus far, to what I experienced at that second awakening. Now I get to look at that aspect of my Self that is shield-like: is it protective? That's what shields do, isn't it? Why would it need to protect the part of my Self that is Source?Namaste
POWER ADDENDUM
As I think about power and how little I actually seem to have, I am becoming more reconciled to the idea that there is nothing I can do about anything. For example, I can apply for a number of jobs and talk myself into looking forward to working at any one of them and shower each job opening with gobs of positive energy, and if I land an interview, I can make a supreme effort to "sell" my Self. But I still don't have the power to force the interviewer to give me the job. Something else has to happen for this to take place. I think it might be some sort of divine intervention or energy of spirit that actually gets one the job offer.
As I investigate power in my life, I find myself delving deeper and deeper below the "surface" into that which causes the functions of my life. For example, and harping back to "Who has seen the Wind," what creates the entire mechanism of walking my body? In other words, I have the intent to walk. Where does this intent come from? What is making it happen? Is it my willpower? But it must be so much more than that. When I really truly deeply contemplate the arising of the intent to walk, I realize that I haven't a clue where it comes from.
Last night, I was listening to Big Sword Swinging in which Adyashanti tackles the subject of power. How opportune!!! In Big Sword Swinging, Adya has a discussion with a woman about getting out of bed. She explains that when she wakes up, she might be feeling too lazy to get up and Adya replies that if she is going to lay there being lazy, it is because there "is a lack of intention to do otherwise." Adya then claims that when the intention to get up arises, it does so spontaneously and the mind takes credit for it. Hmmm!!! He goes on to tell her that thousands of meditators all over the world think that they have the power to stop the mind and they refuse to see that they don't. The mystery deepens and with it, my realization that I probably have no power whatsoever and I might as well give up trying to make things happen as I will never succeed.
During this morning's reading from Joel Goldsmith's "Our Spiritual Resources," I was intrigued by the following paragraphs:
"All limitation of whatever nature must be recognized as the carnal mind, which is made up of the belief in two powers, but which actually is not a mind since there is only one mind. This carnal mind has no law to maintain it and is not God-ordained or God-sustained. Therefore, in dealing with any problem of limitation, first recognize it as the carnal mind which is not a power, but a nothingness, the "arm of flesh"; and then, as you contact the Father within, realize your oneness with the Spirit, and feel that answering "click," you are at-one with your opportunity -- with your position, with any capital necessary with which to carry on your business, or for that matter with help of any kind, human or mechanical.
If you needed a piece of machinery and if that piece of machinery were three thousand miles away, as soon as you recognized limitation as impersonal carnal mind, always without power and presence, and after you made your contact with God, it would be on its way to you. If you needed a book, and if it were at the other end of the world, as soon as you recognized lack in any form as impersonal error and after you made your God-contact, that book would find its way to you. It is a recognition that whatever is needed is to be found within your own consciousness, not somewhere external to it, and it appears when the need is felt because it has been embodied in your consciousness since the beginning of time." (p.41).
I do not entirely understand these instructions, or rather, have no idea how to perform them, but I think that these instructions are pointing to the fact that a source that I am hardly aware of is the only power and I have to somehow connect with it in order to cause functionality in my life. These paragraphs resemble some of the teaching of Abraham-Hicks. But listening to Adya talking about God or Source being the one that draws one to Itself and not the other way around, I continue to think that my carnal mind has absolutely no power: can it even make choices or are those also a domain of Source?
Namaste
As I investigate power in my life, I find myself delving deeper and deeper below the "surface" into that which causes the functions of my life. For example, and harping back to "Who has seen the Wind," what creates the entire mechanism of walking my body? In other words, I have the intent to walk. Where does this intent come from? What is making it happen? Is it my willpower? But it must be so much more than that. When I really truly deeply contemplate the arising of the intent to walk, I realize that I haven't a clue where it comes from.
Last night, I was listening to Big Sword Swinging
in which Adyashanti tackles the subject of power. How opportune!!! In Big Sword Swinging, Adya has a discussion with a woman about getting out of bed. She explains that when she wakes up, she might be feeling too lazy to get up and Adya replies that if she is going to lay there being lazy, it is because there "is a lack of intention to do otherwise." Adya then claims that when the intention to get up arises, it does so spontaneously and the mind takes credit for it. Hmmm!!! He goes on to tell her that thousands of meditators all over the world think that they have the power to stop the mind and they refuse to see that they don't. The mystery deepens and with it, my realization that I probably have no power whatsoever and I might as well give up trying to make things happen as I will never succeed.During this morning's reading from Joel Goldsmith's "Our Spiritual Resources," I was intrigued by the following paragraphs:
"All limitation of whatever nature must be recognized as the carnal mind, which is made up of the belief in two powers, but which actually is not a mind since there is only one mind. This carnal mind has no law to maintain it and is not God-ordained or God-sustained. Therefore, in dealing with any problem of limitation, first recognize it as the carnal mind which is not a power, but a nothingness, the "arm of flesh"; and then, as you contact the Father within, realize your oneness with the Spirit, and feel that answering "click," you are at-one with your opportunity -- with your position, with any capital necessary with which to carry on your business, or for that matter with help of any kind, human or mechanical.
If you needed a piece of machinery and if that piece of machinery were three thousand miles away, as soon as you recognized limitation as impersonal carnal mind, always without power and presence, and after you made your contact with God, it would be on its way to you. If you needed a book, and if it were at the other end of the world, as soon as you recognized lack in any form as impersonal error and after you made your God-contact, that book would find its way to you. It is a recognition that whatever is needed is to be found within your own consciousness, not somewhere external to it, and it appears when the need is felt because it has been embodied in your consciousness since the beginning of time." (p.41).
I do not entirely understand these instructions, or rather, have no idea how to perform them, but I think that these instructions are pointing to the fact that a source that I am hardly aware of is the only power and I have to somehow connect with it in order to cause functionality in my life. These paragraphs resemble some of the teaching of Abraham-Hicks. But listening to Adya talking about God or Source being the one that draws one to Itself and not the other way around, I continue to think that my carnal mind has absolutely no power: can it even make choices or are those also a domain of Source?
Namaste
Wednesday, March 09, 2011
POWER: WHO HAS IT
Frequently of late, I have caught myself realizing that I don't have the power to fix whatever it is that needs fixing which, over the last few weeks, has been much of the outward appearance of my existence. For example, I cannot make anybody want to employ me; I cannot wave a wand and have Sadie's yeast infection clear up; I cannot force more money to flow into my bank account. As Joel Goldsmith indicates in many of his writings, I cannot make the plum tree produce plums or the sun shine or the rain fall. And according to Goldsmith, I cannot even pray for these things as prayer cannot be received by God. I think that human prayer is considered to be part of a realm of energy where God isn't which doesn't make sense to me as I thought that God is an energy system. I suppose that this has something to do with vibration and that God vibrates at one speed and prayer vibrates at another. Maybe it's a little like a tuning fork: unless the vibration is of the same dB as God's vibration, they cannot vibrate together. Or like singers that, when they hit the right musical note, can shatter crystal.
I wonder if thermodynamics comes into this too: you know, heat cannot of itself pass from one body to a hotter body. I guess that God's energy is hotter than prayer; therefore, the sentiments of prayer are vibrating slower than God and won't merge with God's vibration.
Anyway, I seem to be reminding myself over and over by the phrase I keep using, "I don't have the power to fix this," of another aspect of God. Many spiritual teachers talk about God being the only true power in the universe, and I suppose that I am subconsciously -- for I am not actively trying to figure this out but these days I am being reminded of it several times a day -- being taught this lesson. Yes, I am beginning to understand just how little power I really have. And I am uncertain if there are tools that can help me change this situation.
Namaste
I wonder if thermodynamics comes into this too: you know, heat cannot of itself pass from one body to a hotter body. I guess that God's energy is hotter than prayer; therefore, the sentiments of prayer are vibrating slower than God and won't merge with God's vibration.
Anyway, I seem to be reminding myself over and over by the phrase I keep using, "I don't have the power to fix this," of another aspect of God. Many spiritual teachers talk about God being the only true power in the universe, and I suppose that I am subconsciously -- for I am not actively trying to figure this out but these days I am being reminded of it several times a day -- being taught this lesson. Yes, I am beginning to understand just how little power I really have. And I am uncertain if there are tools that can help me change this situation.
Namaste
Monday, March 07, 2011
YO-YO
A yo-yo is such a good simile for the moods of life. I seem to crawl up to the top of the string and shortly after hitting the loop at the top, roll back down. I haven't made it all the way to the bottom of the string for a few weeks now, but I seem to bounce up and down around the middle of the string, rising to the top near the loop most evenings. I don't know why evenings are so much more positive for me than mornings, but they are.
I continue to listen to Abraham-Hicks and sometimes think the message is good and that there must be a collective consciousness called Abraham giving it, and sometimes wonder if Ester has managed to embed this law of attraction information in her subconscious to such a degree that she can spout it at high speed and come up with a solution to every problem. I suppose it doesn't hurt to be skeptical, and I am aware that one must focus on the message and not the messenger. I am a little "hung up" on my belief that good honest messengers should want everybody to hear the message and aren't in it for the money. In other words, I have no problem with messengers making money for their message(s): I have a problem with messengers who only make their message available to those who can afford to buy it. Because the Abraham-Hicks material is copyright protected, I consider it to be as much about business and making money as about sharing a brand of spirituality with people who are interested in learning it. If one can afford to pay for a message, one should pay: if one can't, the message should still be available. Not all libraries carry the Hicks material, and the audios of seminars which are so helpful because there are dialogues between Abraham and real people with real concerns and challenges have to be purchased.
Today, I am finding it challenging to maintain a sense of security and joy while at the same time attempting to hold in my emotional field the feelings of ease and freedom that I have been experiencing over the last two days. I think that the problems I am having are connected to my train of thought as I am detecting thought patterns that might be throwing discontent or dissonance at my mood and changing it.
Also today, I seem to be in conflict with my Self: I am tired of waiting for direction and want to rebel, and at the same time I think that when the time is right, Source or Universe will direct me. I find myself telling my Self that I am a failure because my ability to remain focused on a spiritual practice is short-lived and seems to lack discipline. Actually, the work and effort doesn't seem to be yielding results so I give it up. I would like to live an interesting life, but have no idea what I would find interesting. Actually, I think it would be fun to come across millions of dollars, buy a piece of land, and create a spiritual centre for retreats, conferences, and workshops. I even know of a piece of ground that is for sale for about $850,000.00 Canadian, that might be suitable for such a project. Unfortunately, I cannot begin to think how I would manifest enough money to pull this off. I have visions of the layout of the place with its theatre, large lounge, dining room and kitchen, classrooms, and possibly a small gym for activities such as Tai Chi and Yoga. The facility would have accommodation for people coming from out of town. I would be willing to rent the centre for local functions as long as the energy of these functions promises to be positive: no political activity or activism planning would be allowed here. I even envision a nice sitting area outside, possibly with a water feature. Or maybe there should be an indoor water feature and quiet rooms for meditation. There would be a shop where presenters books and videos could be purchased along with other appropriate reading and viewing material. It is a daydream that delights me.
As I type this blog post, I detect internal discontent and understand I must be out of alignment with Source and this is my fault and I must take control of my state and fix it. Abraham-Hicks just reminded me that one must "let go and let God." And he is also explaining that I am using my mind to allow my Self to feel scattered. Truthfully though, typing the paragraph about my vision for a spiritual centre lifted my spirits about ten degrees.
Abraham-Hicks just told me that I am supposed to chill out and relax. I am tired of chilling out and relaxing (chillaxing). I want action.
Namaste
I continue to listen to Abraham-Hicks and sometimes think the message is good and that there must be a collective consciousness called Abraham giving it, and sometimes wonder if Ester has managed to embed this law of attraction information in her subconscious to such a degree that she can spout it at high speed and come up with a solution to every problem. I suppose it doesn't hurt to be skeptical, and I am aware that one must focus on the message and not the messenger. I am a little "hung up" on my belief that good honest messengers should want everybody to hear the message and aren't in it for the money. In other words, I have no problem with messengers making money for their message(s): I have a problem with messengers who only make their message available to those who can afford to buy it. Because the Abraham-Hicks material is copyright protected, I consider it to be as much about business and making money as about sharing a brand of spirituality with people who are interested in learning it. If one can afford to pay for a message, one should pay: if one can't, the message should still be available. Not all libraries carry the Hicks material, and the audios of seminars which are so helpful because there are dialogues between Abraham and real people with real concerns and challenges have to be purchased.
Today, I am finding it challenging to maintain a sense of security and joy while at the same time attempting to hold in my emotional field the feelings of ease and freedom that I have been experiencing over the last two days. I think that the problems I am having are connected to my train of thought as I am detecting thought patterns that might be throwing discontent or dissonance at my mood and changing it.
Also today, I seem to be in conflict with my Self: I am tired of waiting for direction and want to rebel, and at the same time I think that when the time is right, Source or Universe will direct me. I find myself telling my Self that I am a failure because my ability to remain focused on a spiritual practice is short-lived and seems to lack discipline. Actually, the work and effort doesn't seem to be yielding results so I give it up. I would like to live an interesting life, but have no idea what I would find interesting. Actually, I think it would be fun to come across millions of dollars, buy a piece of land, and create a spiritual centre for retreats, conferences, and workshops. I even know of a piece of ground that is for sale for about $850,000.00 Canadian, that might be suitable for such a project. Unfortunately, I cannot begin to think how I would manifest enough money to pull this off. I have visions of the layout of the place with its theatre, large lounge, dining room and kitchen, classrooms, and possibly a small gym for activities such as Tai Chi and Yoga. The facility would have accommodation for people coming from out of town. I would be willing to rent the centre for local functions as long as the energy of these functions promises to be positive: no political activity or activism planning would be allowed here. I even envision a nice sitting area outside, possibly with a water feature. Or maybe there should be an indoor water feature and quiet rooms for meditation. There would be a shop where presenters books and videos could be purchased along with other appropriate reading and viewing material. It is a daydream that delights me.
As I type this blog post, I detect internal discontent and understand I must be out of alignment with Source and this is my fault and I must take control of my state and fix it. Abraham-Hicks just reminded me that one must "let go and let God." And he is also explaining that I am using my mind to allow my Self to feel scattered. Truthfully though, typing the paragraph about my vision for a spiritual centre lifted my spirits about ten degrees.
Abraham-Hicks just told me that I am supposed to chill out and relax. I am tired of chilling out and relaxing (chillaxing). I want action.
Namaste
Sunday, March 06, 2011
It Is a Funny Thing
As I typed the title of this post, I realized that it could be interpreted in a number of ways. I could have added a colon which would give it another meaning, but decided to leave it "neat" and allow it to be read however one wants to read it.
The point is that only a couple of weeks ago, I was in deep despair and ready to quit taking my warfarin. Since then, money has been slowly dribbling in and at the end of February, I had even managed to save a little which gave me a feeling of hope and optimism, and even courage: I think that courage is the right word as before the end of February, I was frightened about my financial situation and unsure if I was going to be able to manage. Last week, my son who along with his paramour is living with me rent/board-free, and one (two) of the reasons that my financial resources have been so drastically depleted, landed a job. We had no idea how many hours he will be offered, but in this job climate and with so many people competing for the little employment there is, we consider him to be exceptionally lucky to have this job. I have been thanking the Universe (Source) repeatedly ever since that day. And just this morning, my daughter called and made a mortgage payment; although only two-thirds of what she is legally and according to our contract supposed to pay me, was double what she had paid me in January and February. As she had been unable to make a mortgage payment for over a year due to having returned to college to study nursing, even the January payments were a treat. Psychologically, today's payment was wonderful because I was able to squirrel some into savings and that made me feel liberated from impending disaster.
I took my son to work this morning as I needed my car to do my Sunday stint of housework for my mother. At 1400h, my mother's phone rang and it was my son who had walked over from work at the end of his shift, for a ride home. As I had finished my work for my mother and was just ready to leave, his timing couldn't have been better. On the ride home, he told me that he was to work for the next four days and that one of the drivers -- my son has been employed by a local produce market -- was leaving to return to college and my son thinks that he will be taking over this delivery job. I again secretly thanked the universe for its benevolence. On the way home, we stopped at Country Grocer for a few essentials so that I wouldn't need groceries for a few days whil my son had my car at work, and I was so thrilled at the kindness of the Universe (Source) that when I was at the till, I donated to the food bank. At no time did I feel "cheap" or "thrifty," but indulgent but not in an extravagant way.
It has been a wonderful day and I feel a lightness that I haven't felt in some time. Thank you, thank you, Source.
Namaste
The point is that only a couple of weeks ago, I was in deep despair and ready to quit taking my warfarin. Since then, money has been slowly dribbling in and at the end of February, I had even managed to save a little which gave me a feeling of hope and optimism, and even courage: I think that courage is the right word as before the end of February, I was frightened about my financial situation and unsure if I was going to be able to manage. Last week, my son who along with his paramour is living with me rent/board-free, and one (two) of the reasons that my financial resources have been so drastically depleted, landed a job. We had no idea how many hours he will be offered, but in this job climate and with so many people competing for the little employment there is, we consider him to be exceptionally lucky to have this job. I have been thanking the Universe (Source) repeatedly ever since that day. And just this morning, my daughter called and made a mortgage payment; although only two-thirds of what she is legally and according to our contract supposed to pay me, was double what she had paid me in January and February. As she had been unable to make a mortgage payment for over a year due to having returned to college to study nursing, even the January payments were a treat. Psychologically, today's payment was wonderful because I was able to squirrel some into savings and that made me feel liberated from impending disaster.
I took my son to work this morning as I needed my car to do my Sunday stint of housework for my mother. At 1400h, my mother's phone rang and it was my son who had walked over from work at the end of his shift, for a ride home. As I had finished my work for my mother and was just ready to leave, his timing couldn't have been better. On the ride home, he told me that he was to work for the next four days and that one of the drivers -- my son has been employed by a local produce market -- was leaving to return to college and my son thinks that he will be taking over this delivery job. I again secretly thanked the universe for its benevolence. On the way home, we stopped at Country Grocer for a few essentials so that I wouldn't need groceries for a few days whil my son had my car at work, and I was so thrilled at the kindness of the Universe (Source) that when I was at the till, I donated to the food bank. At no time did I feel "cheap" or "thrifty," but indulgent but not in an extravagant way.
It has been a wonderful day and I feel a lightness that I haven't felt in some time. Thank you, thank you, Source.
Namaste
Saturday, March 05, 2011
The Inconsistency of Living
I have no idea what I did, thought, or changed. Well, I did one thing. On Thursday, I did my income tax return and yesterday and because I didn't pay an accountant to do my taxes for me, after weighing, stamping, and mailing the filled out forms, I took myself out for lunch at The Whitespot. I planned this well and took along Seth Speaks to read while I waited for service. Also, because I have become very "cheap" with myself and only buy basics so that I can come somewhat close to my budget of $500 per month which has to take care of utilities and the feeding of three adults, one small dog, and three cats, I had to control thoughts of overindulgence and "I can't afford to do this" -- I would have had to pay an accountant approximately $130 Canadian to do my taxes and lunch cost me less than $25 -- and make my Self relax into the event, treating it as an occasion. I thoroughly enjoyed the experience and I don't know why, but my server was particularly kind, attentive, and supportive despite being busy with many clients. I tipped her handsomely.
Over the years and in times when I could afford to take myself out for the occasional meal or coffee, I learned that I much prefer to do these things alone and without company, except for a good book. I don't have to make conversation with my dining companion(s) or worry that my silence might be construed as rude or be considerate or worry that I should pay the tab which I rarely can afford to do.
Also, I didn't meditate yesterday morning and I ran around town performing several errands for my ninety-year-old mother then delivered these items to and visited with her for a few minutes and until I could see she needed a nap.
The part of Seth Speaks that I am reading is chapter 4 (I think) and I am just embarking on chapter 5. In chapter 4, Seth gives a very basic overview of an aspect of physics and how it functions with relationship to attracting or really converting energy into matter. Yes, reading this, enjoying the unhealthiest food I have eaten in months, and experience the happy ambience created by lunchtime diners gave me a positive boost of joy.
As I write about this I am trying to analyze if the energy produced by Friday's luncheon caused me to sleep well last night, wake up way earlier than I have been doing for the past few weeks, and want to get out of bed and start on my day. I was showered, dressed, and in the kitchen feeding the cats and dog two minutes before my alarm clock usually beeps. After my initial chores, I was even relaxed enough to be able to meditate effectively and without too much mind chatter. It would be wonderful to know what changed, literally over night, so that I can repeat it.
Namaste
to read while I waited for service. Also, because I have become very "cheap" with myself and only buy basics so that I can come somewhat close to my budget of $500 per month which has to take care of utilities and the feeding of three adults, one small dog, and three cats, I had to control thoughts of overindulgence and "I can't afford to do this" -- I would have had to pay an accountant approximately $130 Canadian to do my taxes and lunch cost me less than $25 -- and make my Self relax into the event, treating it as an occasion. I thoroughly enjoyed the experience and I don't know why, but my server was particularly kind, attentive, and supportive despite being busy with many clients. I tipped her handsomely.Over the years and in times when I could afford to take myself out for the occasional meal or coffee, I learned that I much prefer to do these things alone and without company, except for a good book. I don't have to make conversation with my dining companion(s) or worry that my silence might be construed as rude or be considerate or worry that I should pay the tab which I rarely can afford to do.
Also, I didn't meditate yesterday morning and I ran around town performing several errands for my ninety-year-old mother then delivered these items to and visited with her for a few minutes and until I could see she needed a nap.
The part of Seth Speaks that I am reading is chapter 4 (I think) and I am just embarking on chapter 5. In chapter 4, Seth gives a very basic overview of an aspect of physics and how it functions with relationship to attracting or really converting energy into matter. Yes, reading this, enjoying the unhealthiest food I have eaten in months, and experience the happy ambience created by lunchtime diners gave me a positive boost of joy.
As I write about this I am trying to analyze if the energy produced by Friday's luncheon caused me to sleep well last night, wake up way earlier than I have been doing for the past few weeks, and want to get out of bed and start on my day. I was showered, dressed, and in the kitchen feeding the cats and dog two minutes before my alarm clock usually beeps. After my initial chores, I was even relaxed enough to be able to meditate effectively and without too much mind chatter. It would be wonderful to know what changed, literally over night, so that I can repeat it.
Namaste
Friday, March 04, 2011
Meditation
In my opinion, it would be easier to delve into one's daily extended meditation in the evening or at night. I can see that by meditating first thing in the morning, one is supposedly setting one's Self up for an improved quality of daily life. Unfortunately for me, I get out of bed -- usually after spending some time in various forms of contemplation, transitioning from dreams to physical reality, and pondering gratitude -- invigorated and ready to launch into the tasks of the morning. It is challenging to put this forward motion on hold after spending a number of hours in the motionless and quiet state of sleep, to become motionless and quiet again in order to meditate. By evening, when the daily chores and the immediacy of tasks is behind me, it is much easier to lapse into a meditative state. In fact, I often find myself for extended periods of time falling into a state of no thought and simply being, and it happens naturally, as if an aspect of Self is taking its own break from thinking.
Many mornings, more than I like to admit, I find myself struggling to quiet my mind and drop into the thinkingless state of meditation. Sometimes, I might get a few seconds of calm, but it really doesn't last and I find my mind visiting the tasks ahead and my emotional system vibrating with desire to tackle them. Oftentimes, I give up with the meditation, and then I feel as if I have failed my Self, somehow. I even give myself a mental lashing for being so undisciplined at allowing my Self to give up on this important activity. In fact, I have been known to wonder what I am lacking that makes meditation so difficult for me. And then evening comes, the hectic pace of doing that which has to be done is behind me, and I find I am able to meditate easily and it is so natural. I wonder if those people who get up at 0300h and 0400h to meditate, do so because they too find that once they get up in the morning and confront daily life, it is difficult to still the mind.
Namaste
Many mornings, more than I like to admit, I find myself struggling to quiet my mind and drop into the thinkingless state of meditation. Sometimes, I might get a few seconds of calm, but it really doesn't last and I find my mind visiting the tasks ahead and my emotional system vibrating with desire to tackle them. Oftentimes, I give up with the meditation, and then I feel as if I have failed my Self, somehow. I even give myself a mental lashing for being so undisciplined at allowing my Self to give up on this important activity. In fact, I have been known to wonder what I am lacking that makes meditation so difficult for me. And then evening comes, the hectic pace of doing that which has to be done is behind me, and I find I am able to meditate easily and it is so natural. I wonder if those people who get up at 0300h and 0400h to meditate, do so because they too find that once they get up in the morning and confront daily life, it is difficult to still the mind.
Namaste
Wednesday, March 02, 2011
Something is in Motion
I don't know if it is listening to the Abraham-Hicks seminars, or the fact the days are getting longer, or if there is some astrological forces at play (I am not yet certain about astrology, but a dear friend, now deceased, tried to disprove astrology and the harder he tried the more he came to believe that there was something to it and he became very good at using it to explain personality traits in people, and he even wrote a book which was published, then he promptly died at a fairly young age as if this book were the culmination of his life's work), but I am feeling quite optimistic. I have this sense that I am turgid with energy and it is preparing to burst forth. I suppose it is Spring and has been so for a month and this could simply be Spring fever. Note: I adopted the pagan seasons when I was in my early twenties as I prefer to have my longest day of the year in the middle of summer and not at the beginning of it as is the case for most North Americans. As it is Spring, it is quite reasonable that I might be in sync with nature and preparing to break into bud or something equally energetic.
I continue to contemplate the idea that one's emotions indicate how in alignment with source one is. I don't think that being in alignment as Abraham-Hicks describes it is the complete picture with regards to being spiritually awake. I still think that the experience I had a few years ago, when something that I identify most with, my personality maybe, fell away and left me in a strange state of awareness, is self-realization or the awakened state. That person that I became during that brief experience could not have used any form of thinking to change her state of being. She could not have thought herself into a state of joy or depression. She was at peace. She was what she was and that was that.
Something that Jerry Hicks said has caused me to want to dust off my old paperback copy of Seth Speaks and peruse it so I am turning in shortly and will read in bed. The Universe has been benevolent and I feel deep gratitude and the fun of reading in bed feels appropriate: my middle child who is my oldest son received a job offer this afternoon. It is very part-time, but I see it as a sign of hope for him. Actually, when he and his paramour came over from my little cottage where they live, to spend the afternoon in my home, I had been listening to Hicks while I cooked dinner and had very daringly left it playing after they arrived, offering to turn it off if they found it offensive. I don't know what my son thinks to it, but his paramour liked it so much that she wants to borrow it, and even said that a couple of ideas had helped her see some things in her life differently and in a positive light. Anyway, it was during the listening to Abraham that the offer came in. I remember when my sister bought her copy of Ask and it is Given
, she carried it everywhere. She explained that doing this was said to bring one extraordinary good luck. I wonder!
I never push my beliefs and thinking on my children, mother, sister, and other family members, but am always willing to answer questions and share when asked. In fact, except for this blog, my spiritual life is something of a secret except when I encounter something unusual and want some feedback on what I have experienced. Even then, I keep most everything to myself unless outer circumstances seem to warrant a confession. For example, if people are discussing death, I will mostly listen, but there have been a few occasions when I felt inspired to put the record straight and explain that disembodiment (post physical death) is a state of serene peace and highly desirable. As a consequence of not being pushy about my studies, I have directed my son's paramour to the location of the Hicks material, books and audios, and invited her to help herself.
Namaste
I continue to contemplate the idea that one's emotions indicate how in alignment with source one is. I don't think that being in alignment as Abraham-Hicks describes it is the complete picture with regards to being spiritually awake. I still think that the experience I had a few years ago, when something that I identify most with, my personality maybe, fell away and left me in a strange state of awareness, is self-realization or the awakened state. That person that I became during that brief experience could not have used any form of thinking to change her state of being. She could not have thought herself into a state of joy or depression. She was at peace. She was what she was and that was that.
Something that Jerry Hicks said has caused me to want to dust off my old paperback copy of Seth Speaks and peruse it so I am turning in shortly and will read in bed. The Universe has been benevolent and I feel deep gratitude and the fun of reading in bed feels appropriate: my middle child who is my oldest son received a job offer this afternoon. It is very part-time, but I see it as a sign of hope for him. Actually, when he and his paramour came over from my little cottage where they live, to spend the afternoon in my home, I had been listening to Hicks while I cooked dinner and had very daringly left it playing after they arrived, offering to turn it off if they found it offensive. I don't know what my son thinks to it, but his paramour liked it so much that she wants to borrow it, and even said that a couple of ideas had helped her see some things in her life differently and in a positive light. Anyway, it was during the listening to Abraham that the offer came in. I remember when my sister bought her copy of Ask and it is Given
, she carried it everywhere. She explained that doing this was said to bring one extraordinary good luck. I wonder!I never push my beliefs and thinking on my children, mother, sister, and other family members, but am always willing to answer questions and share when asked. In fact, except for this blog, my spiritual life is something of a secret except when I encounter something unusual and want some feedback on what I have experienced. Even then, I keep most everything to myself unless outer circumstances seem to warrant a confession. For example, if people are discussing death, I will mostly listen, but there have been a few occasions when I felt inspired to put the record straight and explain that disembodiment (post physical death) is a state of serene peace and highly desirable. As a consequence of not being pushy about my studies, I have directed my son's paramour to the location of the Hicks material, books and audios, and invited her to help herself.
Namaste
Continuing with Hicks
Although I began reading Goldsmith's Our Spiritual Resources
, I seem to have been so gripped by Hicks'-fever that I find I have little to say about yesterday's reading, and a lot to say about Hicks. This morning, I didn't even try to read Goldsmith, but tuned in the iPod to the Washington DC seminar which I had been listening to last night. I have become fascinated by Abraham's explanation of alignment. This is my interpretation: that whenever one has some negative emotional stuff going on, one is out of alignment. I also take this to mean that one is living from a dualistic perspective and is for the duration of the presence of the negative emotion, separated from Source. Once one realizes that this is happening, it is one's responsibility to return to Source -- Source is Abraham's term for God/Mystery -- using steps or increments of thought that take one into joyful emotions.
Due to high winds, gusts really, in the Pacific Northwest, the power failed abruptly, shortly after I began typing this blog. Just now, I was preparing to save it to a Word Document when the power came back on, so I am going to post it almost immediately. I think I have said what I wanted to say on this subject of alignment, for now, and until I have explored it further. One footnote, though: when the power failed I remained calm, did not become frustrated, and a solution presented itself that would prevent me from losing this post. I wonder if this calm unflappable reaction is because I am more in my vortex than usual?
Also, I think I am doing a better job of "getting" the Abraham message because I have recently been studying teachings of Adyashanti, Joel Goldsmith, Neale Donald Walsch, and Jed McKenna, so I am now able to hear what Abraham is really saying. In other words, the teachings of these other people have given me a good foundation to understand what Abraham is saying, and maybe they have contributed to my understanding of each other. I also want to note that Abraham makes reference to the makeup of the soul and what he claims is reminiscent of what Michael Newton wrote about in Journey of Souls: Case Studies of Life Between Lives
.
Namaste
, I seem to have been so gripped by Hicks'-fever that I find I have little to say about yesterday's reading, and a lot to say about Hicks. This morning, I didn't even try to read Goldsmith, but tuned in the iPod to the Washington DC seminar which I had been listening to last night. I have become fascinated by Abraham's explanation of alignment. This is my interpretation: that whenever one has some negative emotional stuff going on, one is out of alignment. I also take this to mean that one is living from a dualistic perspective and is for the duration of the presence of the negative emotion, separated from Source. Once one realizes that this is happening, it is one's responsibility to return to Source -- Source is Abraham's term for God/Mystery -- using steps or increments of thought that take one into joyful emotions.Due to high winds, gusts really, in the Pacific Northwest, the power failed abruptly, shortly after I began typing this blog. Just now, I was preparing to save it to a Word Document when the power came back on, so I am going to post it almost immediately. I think I have said what I wanted to say on this subject of alignment, for now, and until I have explored it further. One footnote, though: when the power failed I remained calm, did not become frustrated, and a solution presented itself that would prevent me from losing this post. I wonder if this calm unflappable reaction is because I am more in my vortex than usual?
Also, I think I am doing a better job of "getting" the Abraham message because I have recently been studying teachings of Adyashanti, Joel Goldsmith, Neale Donald Walsch, and Jed McKenna, so I am now able to hear what Abraham is really saying. In other words, the teachings of these other people have given me a good foundation to understand what Abraham is saying, and maybe they have contributed to my understanding of each other. I also want to note that Abraham makes reference to the makeup of the soul and what he claims is reminiscent of what Michael Newton wrote about in Journey of Souls: Case Studies of Life Between Lives
. Namaste
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